Zara Dresses

ZARA DRESSES

Over the years I have been something of an admirer of Zara, and all the gorgeousness packed into every store. All those t-shirts, shirts, dresses, skirts, trousers, jeans, shoe, handbags, coats which each have this alluring European aesthetic about them. Every time I walk into Zara, I'm reminded of Spain in particular, and I get an intense longing to be in a Spanish city, walking down a cobbled street in thirty degree sunshine dressed head to toe in Zara. Or likewise, I imagine I'm sitting in a bar on a street in Lisbon, Portugal, in a beautiful Zara dress watching the streaking reds, oranges, yellows of the evening sunset. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that for me, the beauty and allure of Zara, is the way its clothing evokes memories and possibilities, the way it seems to tell a story, the way it promises to become an integral part of the narrative of your life. When I walk into Zara, I don't just see clothes. I see possibility. I see a story waiting to happen. I see my future. And it looks so much more magical and wonderful and happier if it has Zara in it.

I always used to consider Topshop or H&M as my favourite stores, yet as I near my twenties, I find it's Zara that I'm most drawn too. It's Zara whose aesthetic I find best reflects the way I feel inside and the person I want to be. I walk into a store nowadays, and am overcome with an overwhelming love for all the clothes I see. I often wish my wardrobe was a Zara store, so that I would never have a fashion faux pas again, and instead I could look like an effortlessly cool, chic, stunning Spaniard every single day of my life. To me, Zara represents everything I love and is most important to me. I remember happy memories, sun drenched holidays, the beautiful Spain, my Spanish heritage, the places I want to go, the things I want to do. I see clothes that are designed to celebrate and empower women, I see clothes that make me proud to be a woman, I see clothes that make me excited about fashion, and that inspire me to broaden my stylistic pursuits, be bolder, be braver, be creative.

Reading this back now, I understand how it must look. After all it's just a clothing store. Yet clothes are such an important component and channel of self-expression, and when you finally find a brand that seems to perfectly align with your creative and expressive vision, it feels a little bit like winning the jackpot. One of my best friends has been Zara's number one fan since I don't remember when, and has sung its praises and championed its glory long before anyone else ever did. Even now, she'll wear something, and it's so stunning that you feel you simply have to let her know, and almost every single time without fail, it's something from Zara. And now, after a few years of soul searching and an embarrassingly large number of fashion mishaps, I think I've finally caught onto that best kept secret too. So with that, here are some of my faaavvouuriiiteee dresses in Zara stores nationwide at the moment, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I excitedly oooooohed and aaaaaaaaaaahed at every single one of them, much to my sister's dismay, before running over excitedly and fantasising about the day when it will finally be mine.

http://www.zara.com/uk/
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A ZARA DRESS A DAY MELTS THE BLUES AWAY

Spring Playlist

SPRING PLAYLIST

It feels like a super duper crazy long time since I last did a playlist post. I can always tell when the time has come again, because the Spotify add-to-favourites mount up and I spend hours listening to my iPod, or dedicating my spare time to trawling through my Dad's record collection or searching my trusty go-to music sources for inspiration. As always, there's too. much. good. music. in the world at the moment, and as always seems to be the case for me personally, I'm still caught in my little limbo of searching and discovering the old classics, and keeping right on top of all the fresh new goodness. And I want to share it all, every single song, with you lovely people. 

This time round, I'm really loving Chris Rea, The Eagles, Norah Jones, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Paul Simon and The Last Shadow Puppets, the latter of which I am seeing this Sunday and the feels are getting too big to handle, dear readers. The possibility of me finally getting to meet Alex Turner, if the stars and fate align my way, literally makes me want to combust into a million tiny pieces. But till that time does or doesn't come, and if it does come, I will definitely end up making a complete tit out of myself, I'm just trying to keep it cool. Now that spring is officially here, I'm finding myself drawn to the vibrant, energetic, electrifying music that practically oozes summer, and the promise of how wonderful it will be, and likewise I'm also being drawn to the chill, blissful, beautiful music that calms the soul and soothes the mind. It's nice to have a balance, and what a perfect contradiction it is. There's so many different genres that I find myself enticed and captivated by, and so many new artists that I'm only just beginning to discover, and I love seeing how my musical tastes keep evolving as I grow up, reflecting different periods of transition and almost acting like a rite of passage. It makes me wonder where these roads will lead me, as does it induce such strong unwavering excitement to find out.

So with that, I'd love to share with you my Spring Playlist, and as always, I hope you find some right gems and bangers on there. Happy Spring!

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THE SOUND OF SPRING

THE SOUND

THE 1975

AVIATION

THE LAST SHADOW PUPPETS

AUBERGE

CHRIS REA

ANNIE'S SONG

JOHN DENVER

CASTLE

HALSLEY

SCAR TISSUE

RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS

SHOOT THE MOON

NORAH JONES

TEQUILA SUNRISE

THE EAGLES

NEW YORK MINUTE

DON HENLEY

WATERFALL

THE STONE ROSES

BAD GIRL

LEE MOSES

HIGHER LOVE

STEVE WINWOOD

I KNEW YOU WERE WAITING 

GEORGE MICHAEL & ARETHA FRANKLIN

99 RED BALLOONS

NENA

CONQUERER
AURORA

GIMME THE LOVE
JAKE BUGG

THE LESS I KNOW THE BETTER

TAME IMPALA

WILD HORSES

BIRDY

EASIER SAID

SUNFLOWER BEAN

Hello Emilie

HELLO EMILIE

I don't know about where you are, but here in Derby, Derbyshire the weather is in a rather indecisive tizz, where it can't decide if it wants gale force winds, lashings of rain, a resolute ash grey sky or a mere hint of pale yellow sunshine. It feels like everything is stuck in this weird state of paralysis because no-one knows what to do or where to go, because the uncertainty and unpredictability is too high. So at the moment, we're currently taking comfort in the warmth of our house, drinking cups of tea, eating home-made lemon drizzle cake, laughing and listening to The Eagles. It's lovely, even if the weather is not quite so lovely. But to make it even more lovelier, I thought I'd share with you some photographs taken by one of my favourite Instagram photographers: Hello Emilie.

Emilie is an Australian photographer who takes the most tranquil, stunning, aesthetically pleasing, serene photographs of natural beauty. She somehow manages to discover these pockets of wonder found embedded in the world (or namely, the breath taking landscapes of Australian and New Zealand), and artfully depicts them through her camera lens. In the process, Emilie manages to capture these beautiful moments and natural architecture in all their perfection. or if it were even possible, adds another spark of magic and serenity to make these moments even more precious and heavenly. On her website, Emilie describes herself as a photo-creator, story-teller and wanderer, and I personally think that she is all those things and so much more. She emphasises using natural light and nostalgia, which she delightfully threads into her work, and aims to collate a narrative with her imagery, so that as a mere admirer you fully feel the awe, the beauty, the momentousness of the scene depicted, almost as if you were right there experiencing it all too.

As I previously mentioned, Emilie is one of my favourite photographers on IG, if not my favourite. I'm almost always on Instagram, and whilst I adore it as a social media platform, I feel the negative side-effects from it all the same. Everything is idealised and you can never quite tell what's real and what's fantasy. Yet with Emilie, her account always feels genuine, and like a celebration of the world and all things good. It's a source of inspiration and positivity, and a reminder of how much we have to be happy about in life, as should we try to share those beautiful moments with one another. Come together and help remind each other of all the goodness that still perseveres and triumphs. Emilie's photographs are a joy to see every day, and they always make me smile, and feel so appreciative to not only be alive, but be alive in a world filled with so much wonder and magic. Her photography is a gift, which is why I wanted to pass it onto you dear readers too, in the hopes that it brightens your day just like it always does mine.

All photography belongs to Emilie Ristevski. To find out more, head to...

http://www.helloemilie.com/

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"It's a beautiful world"

Deep Thoughts

DEEP THOUGHTS

I don't know why, but this last week I've been feeling very insightful, and I know I'm quite an insightful and analytical person as it is, but this week it's more so than normal, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because it's my time of the month. Maybe it's because I accidentally cut 4 inches off my hair and new hairstyles always seem to symbolise turning points in my life. Maybe it's because my friend and I were weighing up who we'd marry out of James Bay and Matty Healy, and why. Maybe it's because I went for a run the other night, and that always gets me thinking deep. Maybe it's because I've been watching too much Pretty Little Liars. Maybe it's because I've just been writing an essay, where I've been trying to work out a solution to a problem. I don't know. All I do know, is that I feel like I'm seeing the world through fresh eyes. I feel like I'm amazed at the simplest of things. I feel like my perspective on life is changing again. I feel like I'm understanding on a deeper level than I did before. Maybe I'm maturing again, just like my tastebuds have been doing as of late. Maybe it's because I'm 20 in eight weeks time. I can't put my finger on the answer, but I like it all the same. It makes me happy and appreciative to be alive.

Last night I was lying in bed, and all these thoughts about people and life kept coming into my head. Not necessarily personal thoughts, or personal perspectives. Instead it was more abstract concepts, more neutral, more general. And all these thoughts were simply rehashing the ideas and concepts I've been playing around with in my mind all week. Some might consider it boring, but I adore the simple act of thinking. It makes me really happy. I love those moments where there's nothing else I can do, except sit or lie down and think. I love learning new things and educating myself. I love processing information and doing things with it. I love exploring concepts in my mind and trying to relate them to other things, or compare and contrast them against something else. I love trying to make sense of things. I love to understand why. Last night was the first time in a long time, where I found myself reaching out for my phone so I could write all these thoughts and ideas down. I didn't want to forget them. They needed to be put down somewhere, because ultimately I wanted to refine them further, explore them further, and share them with other people. I want to see if they think the same things too. Or if maybe my own thought could fly like the seed of a flower, and plant itself in the mind of another, where it would then bloom. So that's why I decided to write this post. I've been itching to write all day yesterday and all day today. Sometimes it's like I can feel the words are in my fingers, waiting to be released, something needs expressing. I just need to figure out what it is. And today it's those deep thoughts occupying my mind, and with that, I'd love to share them with you. So dear readers, get your snorkels on. It's about to get deep.

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CONCEPT 001: WE ARE THE PRODUCT OF OUR ENVIRONMENT

Humans are essentially built around the concepts of input and output. We're meant to be a product of our environment, whether that be the environments chosen for us, or the ones we chose for ourselves. When we're born, we're a blank slate, and as soon as you enter the world, your environment immediately begins to shape you and construct who you are and who you will be as a person. All this input is fed into your brain through your eyes, your ears, you nose, your mouth, your fingers, your toes, and it all interlinks together to create a bigger picture, which then goes on to create some type out put. Then you do something with that picture. It leads to a change. It's always leading to change. And that change helps to build up who you are. Maybe the information is simply stored, and something new is learnt. Maybe it corresponds and excites something inside of you, and you form a personal connection which goes on to form part of who you are, and your personality. Maybe it makes you feel another type of emotion, and you express it with the world, and you learn to associate two things together. Maybe the information helps you to determine who loves you and cares for you. Maybe the information makes you move, makes you speak, makes you reach out to someone else. Maybe it prompts a basic survival instinct, and you act accordingly. 

I find it so interesting how no-one is, and could ever be the same. How who we are is a product of so many different things. Even the smallest, most minute things are capable of creating an impact, whether that be purely in the moment or something permanent. When you're a human, living your life, you feel some kind of static, some kind of definite, some kind of permanency,  ike you're constantly plateauing forwards. You feel relatively simple, relatively plain, like not a lot is really going on. Yet the reality is you're constantly changing, always. You're always electrified by life. You're always in a constant state of processing, deciding, acting. You're always making little changes to the world, and the world is always making little changes to you. You aren't a piece of 2D art stuck upon a wall. You're like an animation. Always moving, always changing, always doing. You're always being added to, built upon, and it's like there's two streams running through you. One is the here and now. It's temporary, high impulse, always changing, the fight or flight kind of thing. The other is caught somewhere in infinity. It's permanent, it's deep rooted, it represents and is who you are as a person, and you carry it with you from birth to death, and it changes gradually over time. And all the information coming into your brain, all the time, enters these two streams and leads to a whole rainbow of different actions and changes. It's just crazy how you're the same person when you die, as you were at birth, yet within that time in between, everything has changed. The world and the people in it have shaped you, built you, broken you, changed you, bettered you, and it's amazing to think that if I'm this person today, who will I be tomorrow, who will I be in future?

CONCEPT 002: WE ARE THE PRODUCT OF THE PEOPLE WE'VE MET

I was binge-watching Girls, and two of the characters were in the transition of ending their relationship and starting new ones. And it made me think about how people impact us, and change us for better or for worse. And how you don't often step back and see the progression you're making, and how you're changing a little bit at a time, as people come and go, and life takes you by the hand and guides you onwards. Again, it just feels like everything is rooted to one constant, never ending moment in time. Life feels like the same day lived over and over again, just with different names, numbers, meanings, tasks, people, locations. All these different variables. You look to these important markers to assure you that time is even passing by in the first place. The seasons. Christmas. Easter. Your birthday. A loved ones birthday. Deadlines. Ends. Beginnings. The lines on your face. The way your body changes. You don't realise how everything is always changing, and how much you've been changed. It's crazy how people can come into your life, doing their own changing, their own processing of the world, living off their own conclusions and ideas, and the two of you collide and impact one another. And sometimes it's temporary, sometimes it's permanent. Sometimes it scratches the surface, sometimes it goes much further. And sometimes they stay, or sometimes they go, but whatever happens, their impact remains, like a crater from a meteorite collision against the planet of who you are. And even if they aren't there any more, they stay with you, like a stamp on a passport, that gradually builds up and fills over time. And again, you're the product of who you've met, because as humans we're so vulnerable and susceptible to the influence of those around us. 

I think back to all the thousands of people I've met in my 19 years, and I know that I wouldn't be who I am today, had they not come into my life in some way. And I think to those certain few who have defined certain parts of my life, and guided my moments of transition. And I think to those very select few who changed everything, and how incredible it is that I even met them, and how amazing it is that we reacted, we do react, in that very special way. It also makes me wonder about who I'll meet in future, and who I'm yet to be changed and influenced by.

CONCEPT 003: ONE OR THE OTHER

In life, we often have the choice over how we process input, and what we decide will be our output. And this typically goes on to shape your personality, and how others perceive you, as well as what they think of you. It's normally a one of the other kind of scenario, in that you can be happy or sad, fast or slow, selfish or selfless, truthful or deceitful, caring or cruel, mature or immature. Everyone is faced with one or the other, and we have to decide which way we'll go. It's like inside of us is a whole  factory full of switches, and we each choose which way to flick each switch. And that creates a unique pattern that to an extent identifies and represents who we are. It's like creating a billion different recipes from the same ingredients. 

I find it so interesting how everyone is essentially made up of the same concepts, same components, yet they're all in varying degrees and quantities. Even the finest of distinctions can completely distinguish one person from another, and it means that no-one is ever truly the same. I love comparing people's personalities, or comparing them against my own, and seeing what's the same, what's different, how a mixture of their qualities makes them who they are, and the qualities I have make me who I am. It makes you realise how unique each individual is, and how none is better than the other. People aren't a varying degree of classification. They're a continuum. 

CONCEPT 004: COMPARE AND CONTRAST

As I just mentioned, I'm particularly intrigued by comparisons and contrasts. Lately I've been thinking about my immediate family and my close friends, and the impact of being similar or different. My mum and my dad are complete opposites personality wise, and they perfectly balance and complement each other. I can't picture one without the other. They each bring what the other is lacking, or has less of, and they're like ying and yang, together creating a perfect whole. And then I think about how my sister and I have been fortunate to inherit the results of that perfect union. How we're both a half and half split of our parents, and how being around mum or dad brings our the respective parts of our personality. With mum we're more opinionated and confident, with dad we're more calmer and peaceful. Even with my sister and I, we're the same in so many ways, yet we're also very different, and again that helps us to understand each other, as well as balance one another. She's a realist, I'm a dreamer. She has a healthy dose of pessimism, I have bucketfuls of optimism. She's shyer, I'm more confident. And I think it's so beautiful how other people can help complete you, and round you off as a person. How we can give each other that gift, this special, incredible gift, just by being ourselves.

I think that contrasts are great, because they show you what you're lacking, what you may need to work on. They help you to understand and know who you are better, by helping you to know and realise what you definitely are not. Some of my best relationships with other people, are those with people who are very different to me. The contrast helps grow me as a person, and become a better version of myself, as do they help me to better understand other people who may be different to me. But likewise, some of my best relationships are with people who are very similar to me. Those kinds of people who implicitly understand you, and seem to be on the same wavelength. Who re-assure and re-affirm and reflect parts of who you are. The ones with who you don't need to explain yourself, because they already know it for themselves. Contrasts and comparisons are wonderful concepts, and I think it's so important to have both types of people in your life.

Corrinne James

CORRINNE JAMES

I'm just going to say this. I am hugely, madly and utterly in love. With Corrinne James' artwork. I want to write a little intro paragraph about it, as I always do on these kinds of posts, but I feel like the words are either a) going to come out in this mushy gushy ungrammatical stream of uncontrollable adoration or b) won't quite do Corrinne's work the justice it truly deserves. It's a fine line to tread, dear readers, but I'll give it a go. I discovered Corrinne by chance the other day, whilst simultaneously scrolling through the Rookie Instagram  and watching Pretty Little Liars. Corrinne has done numerous designs for Tavi Gevinson's brilliant online empire and community, Rookie, as well as other clients, and is currently a student at the University of Virginia, studying Media and Studio Art. Being the good student that she is, Corrinne balances her studies alongside her creative and artistic pursuits, which include making stunning 2D work, film, animation and music. She also hopes to progress into story writing and illustration in future, aka essentially using her a.m.a.z.i.n.g talents to make the world a much better and happier place.

Hailing from a family of creatives, it's evident when looking at Corrinne's work to see how a rich amalgamation of different creative sources have fed into her designs and inspired her, as has her experimentation with different creative mediums allowed her to further explore her artistic talents and find her unique style and voice. Corrinne proudly declares herself a colour obsessive and loves to incorporate it into her artwork in a somewhat groovy psychedelic, funk-like, rainbow-explosion kind of manner. The colours in her artwork are bold, bright, vibrant, joyous, perfectly balanced, and interestingly, their selection is often emotion-led, with Corrinne choosing certain colours to reflect and channel certain emotions into her art. There's a hidden intent, a secret personal meaning, which is something I find to be kind of intriguing. You almost feel like there's an unspoken connection and communication between artist and observer. I also love how Corrinne's work in general is informed by a deeper wealth of inspiration, emotion, meaning, intent. Her work is multi-layered, with the colours, words, shapes, layout all interlocking together to represent an overarching idea and theme.

For me personally, I adore Corrinne's work because it's so full of life and soul. It's so original, so spirited, so alive. Like a moth drawn to a light, or a bee to a hive, much like Corrinne I am also a colour obsessive, and the sensory stimulation from her work makes the visual parts of my brain go into a blissful heavenly overdrive. Not a lot of artists use colour so confidently, strongly and unapologetically in their work, with many applying it in doses here and there, or following particular palettes or predetermined rules regarding which colours should go with which. Corrinne, on the other hand, is evidently a colour master, with her application surely determined by a secret sixth sense because in every single piece, she expertly chooses all these individual tones and shades, and somehow balances them together in perfect colour harmony. Similarly, she uses her literary skills within her work to transmit uplifting, positive and encouraging messages. It's like her work is a little pocket full of sunshine, sent to earth from heaven to, brighten everyone's day, just a little bit.

I think Corrinne is quite possibly the most talented up and coming artist/ illustrator that I've seen in a long time, and you only have to read one of her interviews to realise that she has a very unique connection and understanding with art. This is a girl who is meant to create. This is a girl who has art and creativity literally pouring through her veins, dear readers, and I have not the slightest doubt whatsoever, that Corrinne is going to set the world alight in a blaze of colourful artistic magic.

http://www.corrinnejamesdesign.com/

I Don't Know Why

I DON'T KNOW WHY

I wanted to write this post because lately I've come to realise that I am hopelessly inept when it comes to matters of the heart. And I'm starting to realise that I really need to do something about it. I know I always over-share in these kinds of posts, but as I always say, writing out my thoughts and feelings is often the only way I can untangle them and get to the root of the problem. It helps me put things into perspective and figure out what I'm going to do. I also always hope that one of you lovely readers will identify with whatever it is that I've written, and take some comfort in it, or maybe it will help inspire you or make you feel less alone. And sometimes, I hope that maybe, just maybe, the words I write will somehow reach the people they're intended for, and that they will find a hidden truth in my words that I am often unable to express aloud.

I titled this post ' I Don't Know Why' because I was thinking back to recent events and the way I acted, and all I could keep thinking, when I asked myself why I did what I did, was that very thing every time: I don't know why. And it reminded me of the classic Norah Jones song of the same name, a song whose lyrics to me embed a lot of meaning and truth. There is no logical explanation for why I act the way I do. The reasons behind my autopilot mode were established and formed so long ago, that they've simply been lost in the winds of change and time. I couldn't give you any kind of justification, because the honest truth is there isn't any thing to justify. I'm not proud of the way I act, nor do I particularly like it, yet I carry on doing it all the same. 

When it comes to love and feelings, I have always been very shy and guarded. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, maybe it's because I'm afraid of rejection, maybe it's because I don't know how to deal with the vastness and complexity of the emotion. Over most of my teenage years, my experiences with love weren't as positive as they could've been, and they often came hand in hand with a multitude of negative experiences and emotions too. After countless occasions of pulling the short straw, I quickly came to consider love and any feelings of the heart, as being things that weakened me. Made me an easy target. Left a chink in my armour. Caused me to turn on myself and lose sight of who I was at the snap of a finger. I always finished last in the race, good things seemingly never came my way, and I guess I just couldn't handle the overwhelming complexity love, all the good and all the bad and everything that nestles in between. I wasn't ready to take it all on. Even now I sometimes question if I am.

Similarly, I think part of the problem lies with the people that I fell for. I always fell for people who never seemed to be truly sure about their own hearts, or who were never brave enough to follow their hearts. Kind of like me. The people who give out dozens of mixed signals that send your mind and heart into a whirlwind of confusion. The people who on one day make you feel like something, and on others make you feel like absolutely nothing. The people who give, give, give, and then they take so much of you in return that in the end, very little remains. I think my previous experiences with love have taught me to be guarded. Taught me to barricade my heart. Taught me to be wary. Taught me not to give everything away at once. Taught me to be cautious and hesitant. Taught me to look out for myself first and foremost, and to not let myself become an easy target, or put my vulnerabilities and weaknesses right on show. I often find love to be such a bombardment of feeling and emotion, that it seems to reverberate and shake me right through to my very core and I struggle with how to make sense of everything and make sense of it right, how it was intended. I don't know how to act, what to say, what to do. It blinds and stuns and paralyses.

The hesitancy and cautiousness has held me back from actively doing things, actively following my heart and seeing where it takes me. Stopped me running with the wind and flying on the breeze and not worrying about where I may land. I have to be sure, I have to be brave, I have to want it like nothing else on earth. In my mind, it's like there's two voices. One wants me to be free, go wild, take chances, be reckless, fearless, irrational, live and love, love, love like there's absolutely no tomorrow. The other is overly cautious, tentative, realistic, cynical, afraid, fearful, suspicious, lonely, confused. And the two are constantly at odds with one another, and neither has the upper hand. There's so many things I want to do, so many ways in which I want to be. I feel like there's a part of me somewhere deep inside that's constantly waiting to be set free and liberated, but for some reason I can never seem to find the key. I know I have this potential to be that person who says yes, who takes chances, who follows her gut and her heart without a moments thought or hesitancy. I can theorise it all perfectly. It's the putting it into practice where I fall short. It's like everything is overrided by the system saying no. 

I want to look at that guy, that lovely, kind, gorgeous guy, so badly. I think he's been looking over at me every now and then from across the room, though the hesitancy and depreciation in my mind tell me I'm simply imagining it all. I must be dreaming. Why on earth would he even pay me a second glance. But then my friend confirms my suspicions, completely out of the blue, and tells me he's been looking at me all night long. And the only word to express how I feel is stunned. I want to look at him now more than ever, but for some reason my eyes will look anywhere but him. I just can't bear the thought of our eyes meeting, if he catches me or I catch him looking, yet simultaneously I want to sit and look into his eyes all night long. I want to smile at him, but my face won't move like I need it to. I want to talk to him more than anybody else in the room, but for some reason my mouth won't open to speak. I want to show him that I like him too, but I am suddenly clueless as to how to even go about it, and instead I'll talk to someone I don't really care about because it's easier and less effortful, and I'll hate myself for it. I want to dance with him, sing with him, but it's like my arms won't reach out far enough to bridge the gap. I want to stand next to him, but my legs won't move an inch. And with every passing minute I come to realise that once again I have messed things up for myself, and my body language, as per usual, is horrendously out of sync with the emotions and feelings that are swirling around inside me. He is reading my body language without the manual. He has no idea that he has to read between the lines, and that the logical answer isn't always the right one, and that everything is back to front and upside down and not the way it seems. And I am unfortunately not brave enough to tell him.

As I grow older, and my wants and needs and thoughts and opinions change and mature, it increasingly feels like I am caught in a paradox which I don't know how to escape from. I know it's not right. I know I need to find my way out, but I give fear too much power and faith too little belief, and my head's a fog of thought and frustration and my heart feels like it's on fire, for the first time in a long time. I have the intentions, they're always on the tip, on the cusp, on the very edge, yet I lack the reciprocating actions. I'm just so tired of being afraid of my heart, my emotions, my feelings, my needs, my desires. I'm tired of feeling my heart flutter, and feeling like I've instantly lost my footing, so much so that I have to reign it all back in to neutral, to nothing, to nada, because that's where I feel most comfortable. Belying how I really feel and cocooning it in layer upon layer, until I can close my eyes and pretend it's not there and that it never even existed in the first place. Where is the magic in that? Where's the truth in that? Where's the joy in that?

It took an awfully long time to let go of my past and surrender myself to the future. It's been a constant battle to carry myself forwards because I automatically clutch to certainty and comfortability, and I flee from uncertainty and the unknown. And now I'm here, finally, and I want to turn things around so much that I sometimes feel like crying out of frustration and exhaustion. I can't be this person any more. I cannot keep holding myself back so much. I need to knock down the old framework and build it up from scratch again. I need to switch off the autopilot and allow myself chance to think and decide what it is I really want to do. I want to allow myself to be the person I really want to be. I want to be fearless, and I hope, I know, I believe that I will get there. I will make this happen. I will find a way. I will figure it out. I will place my feet in the right formation and carry myself forwards from A to B, and let fear be the fuel to propel me forwards. I will open my mouth and say those words, and smile and laugh and radiate who I truly am inside, for everyone to see. I will better myself and believe in myself and do what I can, and then let fate do the rest. Because when life magically and unexpectedly introduces someone into my life, who I know is so deserving of happiness and love and every other good and beautiful thing in the world, and I want to be the one who gives them all those things they deserve, and so much more, I don't want to do what I did the other night. I don't want to make them question whether they deserve all those things, and push them away and inflict the unfortunate consequences of my own inner struggles upon them too. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to confuse them. Instead, I will think of those eyes, and that smile, and the sweetness and joy and beauty and goodness of it all. And I will walk that tightrope with fearful fluttering butterflies, and a pounding urge to turn back, give in, let go, and I will keep going, and going, and going. One step at a time. Eyes not focused on the past, but instead upon the future, and the wonderful person guiding me there.

If you're needing that extra inspiration & motivation, just like me, click here!

The Best Deodorant Ever

THE BEST DEODORANT EVER

So I know this is pretty weird for a blog post. I can't say I recall many, if any any bloggers who chose deodorant to be the subject of their blog post. If you'd said to me even a month ago that I would be sitting down to write this post out, I would've pulled a face a bit like Shrek, when he and Donkey go to that photobooth at Lord Farquaad's place, and wondered what on earth future me was on. Deodorant and all things armpit related are one of those topics that no-one really ever talks about, unless it's to point out a whiff of BO that's lingering around and valiantly protest that it doesn't belong to you. If anything, it's a taboo subject, and it also isn't very cool to talk about either. But then again, I'm not a very cool person, and if you're a regular reader of my lovely little blog, you'll probably already know that I don't really conform to the standard blog protocol anyway. So, in a decision I will probably regret as soon as I press publish, I'm going to carry on talking about deodorant anyway because lets face it, someone has to, and I hope that it helps at least one person out, because I know a post like this would've helped me millions. So here we go.

Deodorant is something that we all need once puberty strikes. All throughout childhood, your armpits are as dry as the Sahara desert, and then bam, puberty descends like a foreign UFO, and it's suddenly like Niagara Falls. And then next thing you know, Mum's taking you to ASDA to pick out your first deodorant, so that you're as socially acceptable as possible when you start secondary school. Great stuff. Now obviously this rite of passage happens to all of us, whether we like it or not, and it quickly becomes the least of your problems, what with all the other puberty related stuff going on. And clearly this task of choosing a deodorant and using it, should be pretty simple and bog standard, because after all, how hard can it be. We all have armpits, we all sweat, we all have our own unique scent. There's no point in pretending that you're the human equivalent of a stale digestive biscuit (ie. very dry), because sweating is a completely natural and rather useful feature of the human body. Yet for some reason, it's just not that cool to admit it.

Now I'll put this out there, and say that all throughout puberty, up till literally the other day, I've struggled to find the deodorant equivalent of the one. I've tried countless amounts of brands, roll ons, sprays in high hopes, only to realise that it doesn't really work for me. And by that, I'm not saying I've left a trail of knocked out people in my wake, the last seven years of my life, nor do I smell like a human sewer plant. All I'm saying, is that all those deodorants haven't worked as well for me as I ideally would've liked. I've tried using white vinegar, cider vinegar, lemon juice, talcum powder, olive oil, as do I shower every night to ensure I'm fresh as a daisy. Yet I still encountered the same problems, and it was incredibly frustrating for obvious reasons. I even considered going to the doctors about it, because I was absolutely well and truly stumped. I'd exhausted all avenues, and had no clue about where to turn to next.

The answer to all my prayers, is a little roll on deodorant called Mitchum Women Powder Fresh Advanced Control, which glamorously says ultra powerful sweat & odor control on the the lid. It's a mint green bottle, smells exactly like talcum powder (oh the childhood memories), and it only costs 95p from Wilko's,#winningorwhat. You just put it on at the start of your day, and then you're good to go for 48 hours straight. You don't have to worry about sweat patches, you don't have to constantly worry about reapplying, and you don't have to worry about smell, because you smell fricken' amazing all day long, even if you're out and about doing lots of moving around. This deodorant totally has you covered. It's totally got your back, and it's just crazy, and I still can't believe I've only just discovered it now. All day long I've been dubiously checking if I need to reapply, only to find that I'm still going strong, and after years of feeling uncomfortable about the whole deodorant-sweat issue, it's the nicest thing in the world, knowing that I finally don't have to worry about it anymore. I've found the right product for me. Even if your current deodorant is doing the job just fine, I'd still recommend you check out this one and compare the two, because you might just find that this deodorant is even better.

I think it's absolutely the bees knees, and I could sing this deodorant's praises all day long. However in order for you to truly understand just why that's so, go head down to Wilko's, get one for yourself, and see what you think. In the mean time, I'm off to watch the second season of Alexa Chung's Future of Fashion You Tube series, and with that, I sincerely hope you enjoyed my first and last blog post on deodorant. Happy deodorising, chums.

You can check out the deodorant here

Sweet Potato & Peach Curry

SWEET POTATO & PEACH CURRY

Bit of a weird one to start the week, but bear with me dear readers. So on Saturday night I was absolutely stumped as to what to make for tea. As usual, I had forgotten to defrost anything, and there was no meat or fish in the fridge, also as per usual. All I knew, is that I had been in the mood for sweet potato all day long, so in the end I decided I'd make something with that. However once again, in spite of this recent development, I found myself stumped. What should I do with my sweet potato? In the end I had a good old google, and this recipe came up on BBC Good Food (aka the saviour of modern day cooking and babe of all babes), about a sweet potato and pineapple korma. Obviously I don't own korma paste, though I'm definitely going to invest in some, and I didn't have any pineapple or coconut milk either, so instead I opted for a mixture of curry powder and garaam masala, and in my interesting world of inner imagination, I somehow decided that the perfect substitute for pineapple would clearly have to be peaches.

To me, in that moment, I felt like a cooking Einstein, on the verge of quite possibly the best new discovery in the world of curry since time began. It seemed so bizarre, yet as I weighed up the potential flavours in my head, and what the resulting taste would be, when combined together, I couldn't find any reason not to give this peculiar flavour combination a go. After all, Einstein did once say that logic will take you from A to B, but imagination will take you everywhere. So after I decided on my chosen tea, from there onwards I completely winged it like there was no tomorrow, and in many ways, I suppose that that's the most exciting part. It certainly jazzes up the typical meal making experience, not having a clue how your cooking pursuit is going to turn out.

I'm pleased to report, however, that this particular pursuit turned our really rather well, and I thoroughly enjoyed eating my bonkers but delicious curry. I also enjoyed proudly presenting my curry for my housemate to try. In spite of her initially looking like I'd asked her to eat one of my toes. she gave it a try none the less and was also pleasantly surprised. Naturally there are some tweaks I would make to my original recipe, to give it some extra pazzazz, and I've listed a few suggestions below, if you fancy having a go. But apart from that, my sweet potato and peach curry is actually rather okay, so if you're up for a wild one, and a spot of yoloing when it comes to tea tonight, why not have a good at making this innovative curry and see what you think. Life's too short to be eating chicken tikka masala all the time.

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YOU WILL NEED:

1 x sweet potato

1 x large flat mushroom

1/4 aubergine

2-3 handfuls of frozen mixed veg

1 x purple onion

2 x garlic cloves

1 tsp tomato puree

4-5 individual broccoli stalks

1 x veg stock cube

1/2 can of peaches in syrup

1/2 tub of natural yoghurt (ideally full fat)

SPICES:

1 x tsp Garam Masala

1 x tsp Curry Powder

1/2 x tsp Cinnamon

1 x tsp Mixed Herbs
A dash of Hot Chilli Powder
1 x tsp Mild Chilli Powder

A dash of pepper

* I didn't have coconut milk or peppers or lentils, when I made this recipe, however it would be worth adding both to the curry to further enhance the flavour!*

SERVES:

2

METHOD:

001. Chop up the sweet potato, onion, aubergine, peaches and mushroom into small cubes.

002. Put the frozen veg, broccoli and sweet potato cubes into a saucepan and fill with boiling water. Boil till you can put a fork through the vegetables and they feel soft.

003. Meanwhile pour a dash of oil in a frying pan, and lightly brown the onions, mushrooms, garlic, (peppers) and aubergine in a frying pan.

004. When both the saucepan and frying pan are done, drain the saucepan and add the contents to the frying pan.

005. Boil water, put into a glass jug, add vegetable stock and stir thoroughly.

006. Add the natural yoghurt, vegetable stock, (a dash of coconut milk, a handful of lentils), a dash of peach syrup and the tomato puree, Then add the spices, stir thoroughly and turn onto a low heat, and allow to simmer and thicken.

007. After 20 minutes, the curry will be done (waaaaaay). Serve with rice, naan bread or cous cous, or you could even have it as a soup!

Dr Martens Dreaming

DR MARTENS DREAMING

It's not much of a secret that I really, really, really love Dr Martens. They're my all time favourite design of shoe, so much so that they influence all the shoes I buy that aren't Dr Martens. I'm instantly drawn to anything with thick, sturdy, clumpy soles and looks like an androgynous-feminine hybrid. Often when I go on nights out, I turn to either my Docs or my other shoes with generous soles, as my designated choice of footwear. When I'm out in the day, there's an 8/10 chance you'll know exactly what shoes I'll be wearing.With my Docs especially, I love the height they give me. I love the way they anchor down my body. I love how clumpy they are. I love how functional they are, and how they make me feel empowered. I love their versatility, and how I can where them with so many outfits, at so many places, at any time of day. In particular with my blueberry coloured Docs, I love how people associate them with me now. They're part of my identity. One time, a friend of mine said he knew it was me walking ahead of him, because he saw said shoes, and knew instantly that it had to be me. Those same shoes were also my 17th birthday present, and to me almost mark a before and after in my life. They signal an important time in my life, when everything seemed to change and revolve 180 degrees, and whenever I look at my Docs now, I'm reminded of how far I've come, as is it reflected by the gradual appearance of lines and creases that mark the passing of time.

My Dad is also a Docs fanatic, and for him also, his shoes are symbolic of different points in his life, as have they served him incredibly well over the years. And I hope that that's the same for me too. It's great to change and evolve and find yourself, but it's also so nice to carry something along with you for the ride too. to mark that change. Have that little bit of consistency, a part of you that stays no matter what. That carries meaning. That stands the test of time. To me, that's what Dr Martens are, and what they do. Even now as I write, I can see my shoes just across the way, and I'm thinking about all the different places I've been with those shoes. The places I've worn them to. All these special, important, amazing times in my life, those shoes have been right there on my feet, and they'll still be doing just that for many years to come too. It seems kind of crazy to consider a shoe part of who you are, but likewise I also think it's so lovely to have something that's synonymous with who you are. It feels a bit like leaving your mark, in a way.

Now naturally with Dr Martens being my all time favourite shoe, I love to keep up with all the new designs and swoon for hours and hours, wishing I was a billionaire so I could buy all of them, and then I would be incredibly happy and content for the rest of my days. I've assembled a list of all my favourite shoes instore now, and linked them to the store too, so if you see any little gems that catch your eye, you can go peruse and lust over them some more. Obviously they're all so gorgeous and awe inducing, so you may have trouble narrowing it down, and unfortunately, unless you're a billionaire, you won't be able to buy them all either. and sassy walk around feeling like a queen. However they are an investment piece, and the fact of the matter is they'll probably outlive you, so they're well worth the money, as will they make you 100% even more fabulous (if that was even possible). But till that day comes, when you and I become triple, quadruple billionaires, I'll just be making do with lusting and wishing and internally crying. Feel free to join me.

http://www.drmartens.com/uk/