I Don't Know Why

I DON'T KNOW WHY

I wanted to write this post because lately I've come to realise that I am hopelessly inept when it comes to matters of the heart. And I'm starting to realise that I really need to do something about it. I know I always over-share in these kinds of posts, but as I always say, writing out my thoughts and feelings is often the only way I can untangle them and get to the root of the problem. It helps me put things into perspective and figure out what I'm going to do. I also always hope that one of you lovely readers will identify with whatever it is that I've written, and take some comfort in it, or maybe it will help inspire you or make you feel less alone. And sometimes, I hope that maybe, just maybe, the words I write will somehow reach the people they're intended for, and that they will find a hidden truth in my words that I am often unable to express aloud.

I titled this post ' I Don't Know Why' because I was thinking back to recent events and the way I acted, and all I could keep thinking, when I asked myself why I did what I did, was that very thing every time: I don't know why. And it reminded me of the classic Norah Jones song of the same name, a song whose lyrics to me embed a lot of meaning and truth. There is no logical explanation for why I act the way I do. The reasons behind my autopilot mode were established and formed so long ago, that they've simply been lost in the winds of change and time. I couldn't give you any kind of justification, because the honest truth is there isn't any thing to justify. I'm not proud of the way I act, nor do I particularly like it, yet I carry on doing it all the same. 

When it comes to love and feelings, I have always been very shy and guarded. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, maybe it's because I'm afraid of rejection, maybe it's because I don't know how to deal with the vastness and complexity of the emotion. Over most of my teenage years, my experiences with love weren't as positive as they could've been, and they often came hand in hand with a multitude of negative experiences and emotions too. After countless occasions of pulling the short straw, I quickly came to consider love and any feelings of the heart, as being things that weakened me. Made me an easy target. Left a chink in my armour. Caused me to turn on myself and lose sight of who I was at the snap of a finger. I always finished last in the race, good things seemingly never came my way, and I guess I just couldn't handle the overwhelming complexity love, all the good and all the bad and everything that nestles in between. I wasn't ready to take it all on. Even now I sometimes question if I am.

Similarly, I think part of the problem lies with the people that I fell for. I always fell for people who never seemed to be truly sure about their own hearts, or who were never brave enough to follow their hearts. Kind of like me. The people who give out dozens of mixed signals that send your mind and heart into a whirlwind of confusion. The people who on one day make you feel like something, and on others make you feel like absolutely nothing. The people who give, give, give, and then they take so much of you in return that in the end, very little remains. I think my previous experiences with love have taught me to be guarded. Taught me to barricade my heart. Taught me to be wary. Taught me not to give everything away at once. Taught me to be cautious and hesitant. Taught me to look out for myself first and foremost, and to not let myself become an easy target, or put my vulnerabilities and weaknesses right on show. I often find love to be such a bombardment of feeling and emotion, that it seems to reverberate and shake me right through to my very core and I struggle with how to make sense of everything and make sense of it right, how it was intended. I don't know how to act, what to say, what to do. It blinds and stuns and paralyses.

The hesitancy and cautiousness has held me back from actively doing things, actively following my heart and seeing where it takes me. Stopped me running with the wind and flying on the breeze and not worrying about where I may land. I have to be sure, I have to be brave, I have to want it like nothing else on earth. In my mind, it's like there's two voices. One wants me to be free, go wild, take chances, be reckless, fearless, irrational, live and love, love, love like there's absolutely no tomorrow. The other is overly cautious, tentative, realistic, cynical, afraid, fearful, suspicious, lonely, confused. And the two are constantly at odds with one another, and neither has the upper hand. There's so many things I want to do, so many ways in which I want to be. I feel like there's a part of me somewhere deep inside that's constantly waiting to be set free and liberated, but for some reason I can never seem to find the key. I know I have this potential to be that person who says yes, who takes chances, who follows her gut and her heart without a moments thought or hesitancy. I can theorise it all perfectly. It's the putting it into practice where I fall short. It's like everything is overrided by the system saying no. 

I want to look at that guy, that lovely, kind, gorgeous guy, so badly. I think he's been looking over at me every now and then from across the room, though the hesitancy and depreciation in my mind tell me I'm simply imagining it all. I must be dreaming. Why on earth would he even pay me a second glance. But then my friend confirms my suspicions, completely out of the blue, and tells me he's been looking at me all night long. And the only word to express how I feel is stunned. I want to look at him now more than ever, but for some reason my eyes will look anywhere but him. I just can't bear the thought of our eyes meeting, if he catches me or I catch him looking, yet simultaneously I want to sit and look into his eyes all night long. I want to smile at him, but my face won't move like I need it to. I want to talk to him more than anybody else in the room, but for some reason my mouth won't open to speak. I want to show him that I like him too, but I am suddenly clueless as to how to even go about it, and instead I'll talk to someone I don't really care about because it's easier and less effortful, and I'll hate myself for it. I want to dance with him, sing with him, but it's like my arms won't reach out far enough to bridge the gap. I want to stand next to him, but my legs won't move an inch. And with every passing minute I come to realise that once again I have messed things up for myself, and my body language, as per usual, is horrendously out of sync with the emotions and feelings that are swirling around inside me. He is reading my body language without the manual. He has no idea that he has to read between the lines, and that the logical answer isn't always the right one, and that everything is back to front and upside down and not the way it seems. And I am unfortunately not brave enough to tell him.

As I grow older, and my wants and needs and thoughts and opinions change and mature, it increasingly feels like I am caught in a paradox which I don't know how to escape from. I know it's not right. I know I need to find my way out, but I give fear too much power and faith too little belief, and my head's a fog of thought and frustration and my heart feels like it's on fire, for the first time in a long time. I have the intentions, they're always on the tip, on the cusp, on the very edge, yet I lack the reciprocating actions. I'm just so tired of being afraid of my heart, my emotions, my feelings, my needs, my desires. I'm tired of feeling my heart flutter, and feeling like I've instantly lost my footing, so much so that I have to reign it all back in to neutral, to nothing, to nada, because that's where I feel most comfortable. Belying how I really feel and cocooning it in layer upon layer, until I can close my eyes and pretend it's not there and that it never even existed in the first place. Where is the magic in that? Where's the truth in that? Where's the joy in that?

It took an awfully long time to let go of my past and surrender myself to the future. It's been a constant battle to carry myself forwards because I automatically clutch to certainty and comfortability, and I flee from uncertainty and the unknown. And now I'm here, finally, and I want to turn things around so much that I sometimes feel like crying out of frustration and exhaustion. I can't be this person any more. I cannot keep holding myself back so much. I need to knock down the old framework and build it up from scratch again. I need to switch off the autopilot and allow myself chance to think and decide what it is I really want to do. I want to allow myself to be the person I really want to be. I want to be fearless, and I hope, I know, I believe that I will get there. I will make this happen. I will find a way. I will figure it out. I will place my feet in the right formation and carry myself forwards from A to B, and let fear be the fuel to propel me forwards. I will open my mouth and say those words, and smile and laugh and radiate who I truly am inside, for everyone to see. I will better myself and believe in myself and do what I can, and then let fate do the rest. Because when life magically and unexpectedly introduces someone into my life, who I know is so deserving of happiness and love and every other good and beautiful thing in the world, and I want to be the one who gives them all those things they deserve, and so much more, I don't want to do what I did the other night. I don't want to make them question whether they deserve all those things, and push them away and inflict the unfortunate consequences of my own inner struggles upon them too. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to confuse them. Instead, I will think of those eyes, and that smile, and the sweetness and joy and beauty and goodness of it all. And I will walk that tightrope with fearful fluttering butterflies, and a pounding urge to turn back, give in, let go, and I will keep going, and going, and going. One step at a time. Eyes not focused on the past, but instead upon the future, and the wonderful person guiding me there.

If you're needing that extra inspiration & motivation, just like me, click here!