Thank You

THANK YOU

This morning, my heart has felt very full. And I have been feeling very soppy because of it. So brace yourself.

 I can't stop thinking about how incredibly grateful and thankful I am, for all the brilliant, amazing, wonderful, gorgeous, lovely people that I'm lucky enough to have in my life. 

These moments happen every once in a while. Moments when that particular realisation strikes me like a lighting bolt. And my mind starts to flicker through every single person who is a part of my life, and who brings such joy and meaning and companionship, just by being them. I am so lucky. So very lucky.

I've said this numerous times before, but I have been blessed in life. Not for the material, trivial, consequential things but for the people. The people who have walked this road alongside me, and joined me along the way. 

Sometimes I can't quite fathom how it came to be. It's kind of overwhelming sometimes. 

In life it's so easy to take people for granted. Forget to stop and appreciate how brilliant they are, and how lucky you are to know them, and to even have met them in the first place. It's easy to feel alone. Like you're the only one along for the ride. It's easy to assume these people will always be there, when that's not always the case.

So in light of all these things, I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you to all the people who are a part of my life, and have made it so much happier, loving, sparklier, joyful, richer, fulfilling, just simply by being there.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. From the depths of the universe. From every last little molecule and particle of my being. Thank you for making me feel loved, content and not alone. Thank you for making such treasured memories with me. Thank you for making me realise what really matters most in life. Thank you for being here. 

Thank you for being you.

Because you help make me me. 

And that means more to me than you could ever possibly know.

My First 24 Hours of Uni

MY FIRST 24 HOURS OF UNI 

Once upon a time, I was a fresher. 

Fast forward four years, and I'm now in my final year of university and spending my Friday nights deciding what cereal to buy in Lidl, and chilling in my flannel pyjamas, drinking tea and watching Coronation Street (how did that happen). 

Now that I'm back in Manchester, one of the greatest cities on Earth and my beloved second home, I can't help but get nostalgic about my first year. Way back when I was a fresher. 

I'm thinking about all the memories I made. The people I met. The things I experienced. The way I felt. It feels so far removed from me now, almost like a perfect dream that happened to somebody else. I loved my first year of university more than words could ever possibly express. When I think about my first year, it's a gorgeous, glowing, glittering yearning and fondness that swells in my heart. I don't think words could ever do it justice, or capture the way life felt back then. It was almost otherworldly.

I was so lucky with my experience, because everything fell into place for me from the very beginning. I loved my housemates, my flat, my city, my university, my course. Everything was right somehow. 

Having begun my final year of this wonderful, magical, maddening and life changing experience, I feel an even greater fondness for my first year of university, because it was such a special, innocent, liberating time in my life. The start of an incredible journey. And things will never be that way again.

So in honour of all those fresh, excited, buzzing faces flooding the streets before me, hearts full of anticipation, awe, curiosity and adventure... blissfully unaware of what is to come, and as a little nostalgic throwback for me, I thought I'd share a piece of writing which I wrote following my first 24 hours of university.

If you're expecting wild debauchery I'm afraid I wasn't your girl, but if you like tales involving random Brazilian men then get stuck in.

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SEPTEMBER 2014

It’s three in the morning and I’m sat in my new bedroom, trying to figure out how to work the internet connection. 

I can hear Lana del Rey singing, and the Irish girl from upstairs teaching people to say ‘cheers’ in Irish (it’s Slanja or something like that, if you didn’t know). Not so long ago she was teaching me that, and passionately telling me how she’s Irish and not British. It’s kind of funny actually, although lovely as she is, I hope she goes to bed soon because I can hear her through the breezeblock walls and her slanjas are keeping me awake. 

Today has been so strange from beginning to end. I woke up with the entire world butterfly population in my tummy, did my final packing, ate my final meal at home, and it wasn’t long before Ro was crying, which meant that I ended up crying too. Dad packed all my stuff up in the car (very easily, much to my surprise), and Mum bought me the entire stock of Morrisons so that I’ll never go hungry, or at least not till I’m thirty. Then before I knew it, I was leaving my home of eighteen years and headed to Manchester to begin the new phase of my life. Being in the car like that with all my family, it didn’t feel like I was actually really doing it; it all felt like a dream that was happening to someone else, not me. 

The journey up was really nice, although we did get a few traffic jams, and besides, I didn’t get the chance to be nervous because about half an hour in I began to need the loo. By the time we pulled in at Fallowfield campus I was trying so hard not to pee myself, because that would not be a good first impression. After sitting in a long queue we eventually made it to my area of the campus and Dad pulled up whilst I went to get my key. When I came out Mum, Ro and Dad had somehow managed to get my entire belongings, all 10,000 kilos of it, stacked onto a large metal trolley and we all went over to my new flat. Luckily it's at the very end of the building, nearest the road, and we didn’t smash any crockery unlike another girl who apparently did (result). 

At some point my new flatmate from Abergavenny came out her room with her parents, and we chatted a little. Then my other flatmate came up to say hi and have a chat. He’s from Breacon in Wales, so obviously I had to ask him if he knew that Boots water is from there, and he didn’t so there you go, I'm imparting useful knowledge already and it’s not even been twenty four hours. 

 At some point my other flatmates from Doncaster and Colchester came upstairs too. One asked if I wanted any cake. I definitely think we'll be friends. Afterwards my new pal from Abergavenny made us all tea, and eventually, after unleashing my millions of belongings upon Flat 68, Beech Court, Oak House, it was time for my family to leave. Yet again, Rosie's crying set me off. Dad was a little teary and Mum didn't cry once. Apparently they all went to McDonalds on the way home so I guess they’re going be just fine! I hugged Rosie four individual times before I could finally let her go, and it was so hard to say goodbye, but after they left I went into the lounge and sat with my new flatmates.

Soon we started making dinner, and one housemate tried to make pasta but the water boiled everywhere. He was the most elaborate. The rest of us stuck to beans on toast and melted cheese. After much deliberation, we finally decided that tonight we would go to a house party in another block. We all went together and played ‘Ring of Fire’, and I took a can of Strongbow which made me feel sick. I made that Strongbow last for a looooooooong time. 

Eventually we left the flat to go to Squirrels bar. It was packed with people, so we stood around and mingled. Somehow I ended up wandering around campus with a guy from Birmingham and his new flatmate. Just as we were about to hang out in their flat, I spontaneously walked out with no explanation. I just felt my legs moving and went along with it. I was going to go back to my flat, but to get in the block, I had to walk past this group of eight or so people who looked like they wanted to get in. I opened the door and began talking to them. Turns out they were all Brazilian.

 They invited me to the party on the floor above. I don’t know if it was the half can of Strongbow I had, or the excitement of the evening, but either way I said yes. In the flat I met even more Brazilians and we talked about  everything from Sherlock, Dr Who, Rio and Brazil. We had such a laugh, and they took me under their wing like an honorary Brazilian, and when they decided to go out they invited me along.

Again I said yes. I had a good feeling about it. 

So we got the bus to the Student Union and spoke the whole way about Brazilian and English culture. We ended up at this crappy bar and left not long after. In the end it was just me and four Brazilian guys, and the nice thing was I felt completely 100% safe and comfortable around them. We had so much to talk about and I kept thinking to myself, never in a million years would I dream of spending my first night at uni like this, but I bloody love it.

We walked all the way home, past the union, down Curry Mile and past Platt Fields, just talking about music, F1, accents... We bumped into some more Brazilians and bought alcohol from New Zealand wines, and ended up back in the flat where the night began. And now there’s plans to go round tomorrow, so look how it’s all turned out! I still feel a little homesick when I’m not doing things to distract myself, and it will be weird waking up in a strange bed tomorrow morning. 

But this journey has began so well, and I’m excited about what will come next. I’ve made some new friends who I look forward to seeing again, and hopefully the only way for things to go now are to keep on going up… Wish me luck.

Things To Do In Derby

THINGS TO DO IN DERBY

Happen to be adventuring to Derby, England's most central city, aka. furthest from the sea, and wondering what there is to do in this fine, lesser known, Midlands paradise? Or on the converse, are you a resident of good old Derbados, like myself, and hoping to discover some new ways to spend your time? 

Well look no further dear readers, for I, a Derby born and bred gal, have you covered. 

Back before I moved to Manchester, I used to think that Derby was a bit, ahem, boring. I was very disparaging, and couldn't for the life of me understand why anyone would want to visit my hometown. There was nothing to do. Nothing to see. And I'd actively encourage people to go to Nottingham instead. 

All that changed once I moved to Manchester for uni. Maybe it was because I missed home, because it's true, there really is no place like it. Maybe it was because I started to viewed Derby through idealistic, nostalgic lenses. Maybe it's because coming home felt exciting for once, and it felt so good to rediscover things and see what had changed in the months inbetween my visits. Maybe it's because I started to truly appreciate my hometown in a way that I never did before. Or maybe it's because Derby finally got a kick up the bum and started developing into the amazing, beautiful, quirky, creative city it was always destined to become. 

I have a feeling it was a mixture of all these things.

And so as you can imagine, I now see Derby through fresh eyes, and I've discovered so much more about my hometown that I never knew before. So much so that I want to share some of my favourite discoveries, and what I consider to be the best bits about good old Derbados, with you dear readers.

So sit back, have a brew, get a Birds cob, and let me introduce you to the UK's best kept secret...

http://www.visitderby.co.uk/

*all images included in this post have a link to their original source*

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EY UP ME DUCK

001. Alchemy Board Game Cafe Bar- Spend endless hours with a brew or a beer, playing free board games from the cafe's extensive selection, or pay £4 and head upstairs for a board game mecca

http://www.alchemycafe.co.uk/

Image source

002. Brownie Points Bakery- Situated just inside Derby's Intu centre near Boots & Specsavers, this little heaven on Earth serves the most delicious brownies you could ever sink your teeth into. Coming in a variety of flavours, and costing between £1.30-£1.80 for a nice chunky slab, if you're a brownie addict like me, I guarantee Brownie Points will be your new favourite supplier.

https://en-gb.facebook.com/browniepointsderby/

Image source

003. The Post House- The Post House is a new development in Derby, situated in the converted old Post Office Building on Victoria Street. Filled with the stalls of different, local food & drink connoisseurs, The Post House's unique touch is that you go to the stall of your choosing, make your purchase, and then find a cosy, fairy-light lit spot to settle. It's such a creative, social and innovative idea, and a real must visit if you happen to be in town.

https://www.theposthousederby.co.uk/

Image source 1; Image source 2

004. Darley Park- Only a 10-15 minute walk out of the city centre, following the River Derwent, this nearby park situated in the beautiful village of Darley Abbey, is a wonderful piece of escapism whatever the season. With lush, flowing trees, plenty of green space and little nooks and crannies to explore, it's perfect for a walk, picnic, kick around or chill, and a real favourite of mine (especially in the Autumn).

http://www.inderby.org.uk/parks/derbys-parks-and-open-spaces/darley-park/

Image source

005. Sadler Gate- Filled with independent shops, cafes, restaurants and pubs, Sadler Gate, in the city's Cathedral Quarter, is a little bit off the beaten track, and perfect for hours of foraging and exploring.

http://www.derby.org.uk/street/sadler_gate/

Image sources: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7

 Favourites include....

           

    Milk & Honey Deli                                   Brooklyn Social                         Bodega Cantina

            

Design @ 44                                              Old Blacksmith's Yard                    The Dog & Moon 

006. Doughnotts- Also situated down Sadler Gate, this newly opened gem is the place to go for the best doughnuts you will ever eat in your life. Ever.

https://en-gb.facebook.com/Doughnottsofficial/

Image source

007. Cathedral Green- The perfect spot in the city to chill, walk along the River Derwent & past the Council House, hear the chimes of the Cathedral bells, explore the nearby Silk Mill and walk over the Footbridge. 

http://www.derbycathedralquarter.co.uk/CathedralGreen

Image source 

008. Intu Derby- Derby's main shopping haven Intu, formerly known as Westfield, is a modern, sleek, clean & beautifully designed centre filled with brands galore, a luxury cinema, as well as a stylish food court and a wealth of restaurants and cafes to choose from. Oh, and there's now a bowling alley and mini golf to enjoy too. 

http://intu.co.uk/derby

Image source

009. Cathedral Quarter- A beautiful, historic part of town near the Cathedral and Sadler Gate, filled with winding roads, stunning architecture and a mixture of independent and well known businesses to peruse. Highlights include...

-St Mary's Gate

-Visiting the city's two Wetherspoons, The Thomas Leaper & The Standing Order, which stand side by side (yes really)

-Jack Rabbits

-Bennetts Department Store

-The European Restaurant

-Dolce Salato Cafe

-Rowley's Gin Bar

Click here for more info

Image source

010. Pop down to the pub- Derby is renowned for it's real ale scene, and prides itself on having some cracking locals which residents (ie. my Dad) regularly frequent. The Flower Pot is great for weekly live music, Ye Olde Dolphin Inne for being old & haunted & having great festivals, The Exeter Arms for being cosy & lesser known, The Tap for a more diverse social scene, and The Old Bell for being full of rustic charm. 

Image sources: 1,2,3

011. QUAD- For complete creative immersion. This funky shaped building places host to a cinema which shows both current, independent and old school films, gallery spaces for interesting and thought provoking exhibitions, a quirky shop & cafe, talks, festivals, artwork... as does it run lots of educational & social groups too. Well worth a visit!!! 

https://www.derbyquad.co.uk/

Image Source

012. Go Trampolining- Located at Bounce Revolution, opposite the Intu centre, this world of trampolines is so easy to get to, very reasonably priced, suitable for all ages and best of all, it gets you working up a sweat. Cue a post-trampolining Wetherspoons as a reward.

http://bounce-revolution.com/

Image source

013. Revs de Cuba- Spend a glamorous evening drinking cocktails and dancing the night away to Latino music. As is a common theme in Derby, good old Revolution can be found next door.

http://www.revoluciondecuba.com/bar/derby/

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013. Pudding at Kaspa's Dessert Bar- This newly opened franchise is the place to go for pudding. So go. Indulge. And make all your happy dessert filled dreams come true.

http://kaspas.co.uk/

Image source

014. Wander up Friar Gate- Following the road out of the city past Central Library, Friar Gate is another quirky and architecturally stunning street, with lots of nightclubs, bars, restaurants and stunning buildings to admire. Favourites include:

-Mosh Nightclub

-Le Bistrot Pierre

-Lorentes

-Pop World Nightclub

-The Greyhound

-The Distillery

Image source

What Happens Next?

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

For most of this year, one of the main things occupying my brain space is this: what does the future hold?

In September I begin my fourth and final year of university, and I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

On the one hand, I'm so happy about finally finishing my degree. I can't wait to go back and see all my friends again, do the things I love, make more cherished memories, try out new things while I can, return to my beloved Manchester, soak up the last of my 18-year-long education and, fingers crossed, graduate with a degree ( a degree!!!). I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life, and have the world at my feet once again. I'm ready for the next adventure. I want to make something of myself, and see what life has in store next. I want to earn some money, see more of the world, gain life experience, be free....

Yet on the other hand, another part of me is absolutely terrified. Terrified about starting fourth year. Doing my dissertation. My final placement. Leaving university behind. Saying goodbye. Receiving the very freedom I seek. And most importantly this: figuring out what comes next.

Because I don't have a bloody clue. And the confusion just seems to get foggier and foggier. And I'm waiting for a sunbeam to strike and illuminate the path I need to take. But when will it come?

Already people are starting to ask me what I plan on doing once university ends, and all I can say is that I have no idea. Throughout university, I've loved asking older years what their plans were one university ended. I longed to hear about what adventures they had planned next, and where their lives were heading. It seemed to exciting and inspiring to me. Yet most times, I was met with 'I don't know', 'I don't have a clue', 'I hate that question', and 'I'm trying not to think about it'. And I didn't understand why.

I didn't understand how they felt, until now.

Because it really is terrifying, doing your final year and then graduating. And I think what scares me most, is that I just don't know where I want my life to go next. Or more like, I can imagine all these things I want to do, areas I want to explore, things I want to learn, places I want to live, people I want to be... and I don't really know where to start. There's too much. And it's overwhelming me. 

I feel like I'm dreaming too big, and yet I also feel like I'm not dreaming big enough at all. 

I feel like I'm doing what I want to do, and being true to myself, and yet I also feel like I'm not. 

I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, and yet I'm also envisioning at least five more paths I could've, maybe should've, taken. 

I feel like I know myself, and what's right for me, best for me, and yet I also feel like I don't.

I just thought I'd have something figured out by now. That I would know which path to take. But it feels like I'm right back where I was at the end of A Levels, deciding on my future. There were so many spinning plates on the go, and four years later, the same plates are still spinning. None of them smashed along the way. They only spun stronger. And once again, I find myself looking into the melting pot and I don't know what to do next.

Of course part of me knows that everything is going to work out somehow. I need to take it one step at a time. Get through this last year first, before worrying about everything else. Allow myself time to think and explore. Remember that I can be, do, anything that I put my mind to.

But I guess for me, it all boils down to this, and it always has done: do I take a risk, and follow this new selfless path I've carved out for myself. Enter this new industry, profession, specialism. Become a new version of myself, see who I could become and what I could do, and to some extent, go against what comes naturally and innately to me?

Or do I be selfish, and go back to the me that has always been there. Follow the path everyone expected me to take, and are surprised I haven't taken. The path which I maybe should've taken, the one that so naturally speaks to my soul, but I rebelled against. The one that will see me returning to my roots and nurturing them, growing them, because I bailed too soon to know what they could become? 

I have no idea. I really don't. And I don't expect to figure it out anytime soon, and I know that's okay (although I wish I knew the answers already!). But I just wanted to let the web of thought out, because as Shrek once wisely said, it's better out than in. And I will find my way, I know I will. It's just going to take more time than I thought. 

Dear Manchester

DEAR MANCHESTER

I remember the very first time I saw you. Dad was driving us across Mancunian Way, through the heart of the city, and all these buildings were mirroring the sides of the road around us. You looked so futuristic, metropolitan, intriguing. I wanted to discover your secrets and magic. We had come to look at the university, to help me decide if you were the place where I wanted to spend the next four years of my life. Until that day, my only knowledge of Manchester was from Take That's Beautiful World album, a cherished part of my childhood, Manchester United football club, a team I used to pretend to support because it seemed cool at the time, and Coronation Street, because my Mum is a lifelong fan. I had no idea what to expect of the city I had only come to know through fragments here and there. Little did I know my connection to you, and the story we would write together, was only just beginning.

The next time I saw you, it was from a train high above, cutting through the city centre, making our way to Piccadilly. I remember seeing these buildings that were somewhat dilapidated, falling apart even, yet to me there was something so beautiful about that. I didn't see destruction, hopelessness, abandonment, tiredness, loss. Instead I saw stories, history, character, hope, wonder. And I knew that this was significant because my Mum, who was on the train with me, saw the former. She couldn't see your beauty. Much as she tried, she was blind to it. And that's when I started to realise that me and you Manchester, we might just have found a match in one another.

I remember taking the Magic Bus for the first time from Piccadilly Gardens, and we drove past these magnificent buildings both old and new. I was in awe. There were so many people too, and despite them being strangers, there was a sense of companionship amongst them. A sense of unity, if you will. It's hard to explain. I remember me and Mum trying to figure out where the MRI was on a map, because my university interview was on the road next to it. You seemed so big and confusing back then, when I didn't know you like the back of my hand. But a kind man sitting next to us overheard our conversation and told us when to get off the bus. That was the first time I experienced the kindness and warmth that so famously defines you and your people. 

Walking down that road to my interview, I had no idea that one day I would call that road home, and that I would spend most days of my life walking up and down it for one reason or another. And when I returned to you for my second interview, I again had no idea that you, Manchester, would be the next calling point on the road map of my life. All I knew, when I walked across the uni campus, and later when I walked through town to the train station, was that a part of me was longing to stay and be a part of you. I wanted to orchestrate and illustrate my life right in this mesmerising city. You felt so full of promise and magic and possibility and energy. I was captivated.

Over the last three years of my life, since starting university, I have come to know you so well. Manchester, you feel like a home to me now. The feeling I get when I see you on the horizon is unlike anything else I know. When the train pulls into Derby station, I feel nostalgic, and I think of the past. When the train pulls into Picadilly, or even Oxford Road, I feel excited, and I think of the future instead. To me you are my dream city. I am so in love with you. You are everything I ever dreamed for in one. That I ended up living out some of the best years of my life in Manchester is something I will appreciate with such gratitude for the rest of my days.

I have long stated this fact, but Manchester, you are truly the city that made me. Exploring your many roads, landmarks, districts and neighbourhoods has given me a passion for adventure and discovery and spontaneity. When I was lonely, lost, confused, sad, you always felt like a friend, a guiding hand, a companion. So many of my precious memories are contained within the backdrop of you. Nights out. Gigs. Dancing. Eating food. Going for drinks. Late night adventures. Early morning adventures. Sunny afternoons in the park. Coffee dates. Helping the community. Exploring. Laughter. Love. Friendship. You've always been at the heart of it all. You have led me to so many incredible people. You have helped me to grow and soar and keep moving forwards. You have shown me the possibilities that exist out there in the big wide world.You have educated me and carried me and given me so much fulfilment. You have shown me a new way of living. Your energy, beauty, grandeur, humility, modesty, kindness, compassion and love have helped me to become a better person. The kind of person I always hoped to be. The history, tales, culture and influence you possess continually inspire me. 

And as for your people... your people are some of the best, if not the best, I have ever known. Even the other night, when I went to a gig at the Etihad, I was reminded by how gorgeous, dazzling and vibrant the Mancunian spirit is. And I felt so lucky to be surrounded by these amazing people who love to laugh, sing, smile, chat to strangers, joke with police officers, swear, dress up to the nines, hold the hands of those they love so tightly, have the time of their lives whatever the day of the week, help others so selflessly, work so damn hard, protect their own as if their life depended on it, and live together as one united, unique, diverse, accepting and welcoming family. So lucky that I am continually exposed to such humanity, solidarity and love.

And I know that a couple of weeks ago, someone tried to break and hurt you and your people. They tried to create division, hatred and fear, through their inhumanity, selfishness, carelessness and brutality. They tried to puncture a hole in the very things that make Manchester so mighty, so strong, so unique, so admirable, so brilliant. They tried so hard, and used such barbaric means to do so. But they didn't succeed. Although so many precious lives were lost, as a city we found the hope, will, and strength to carry on. To ensure that only goodness and positivity led us forwards. When faced with hate, we responded with love. So much love. When faced with division, we chose unity and humanity. When faced with fear, we embraced fearlessness. 

Those couple of days were some of the worst many of us will ever know, and they will stay with us forever. But my god Manchester, those days also made me so indescribably proud to call you my home. To call your people my people. To be living my life in a city that embodies every value I ever believed in, and sets an example to the rest of the world of how we can peacefully live together as one. To be a part of your story and your history. To be a part of the life, energy and hope that will heal your wounds and continue to drive you forwards into a better tomorrow. To be able to help you rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes. Manchester, my dear, dear, home, you are phenomenal. I will love you always.

20 Things I've Learnt At 20

20 THINGS I'VE LEARNT AT 20

It's that time of year again... Another year older, another year slightly wiser, slightly more mature (and also more immature), slightly more grown up, and slightly closer to learning how to make mashed potato. Oh yes and also another blog post summarising the main things the last year has taught me. I've done it at 18 and I've done it at 19, and now that I've finished 3rd year and actually have the time to write a lil' post, I thought it would be nice to carry on the tradition. Plus I can't resist the opportunity to reflect on the year gone by and get myself in an emotional tizz reminiscing. So why the hell not, though if I make it to 104 then I might reconsider...

I can't believe that I'm one day away from 21 now. Honestly I'm not really sure where 20 went. It's come and gone in a flash, and considering how nervous I was about my twenties, this first year has been a true gem. I know I always hail each year as the best one of my life, but this year truly has been one of the best, if not the best. It's another one to look back and smile about. Even though there's been a few wobbles and shocks and mini-meltdowns, hand on heart I can say that I've had the absolute time of my life. 

I've been travelling. I've volunteered at a festival and helped run a children's camp. I've helped people who stammer and transgender people and put on social events for elderly people. I've made some absolutely amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people from all over the world. I've been to the top of Manchester. I've grown my hair out again. I've got through 3rd year of uni and am 3/4 of the way to my end goal. I've overcome personal struggles and grown in confidence, wisdom, strength, as have I realised it's ok to reach out to people and tell them how you're feeling. I've got better at running and keeping fit. I've finally been to Harry Potter World and tried butterbeer. I've had magical trips in London with my sister. I've been on a sports tour. I've seen Bruce Springsteen live. I've grown even closer to my family. I've started an art account. I've found love and somehow acquired a boyfriend, and he is everything I ever hoped for. I've been on so many adventures and had so much fun. And of course I've made a tit out of myself on countless occasions.  

It's strange because I really did notice the shift when I turned 20. It felt like a new beginning, with everything the same and yet somehow so different. And little bit by little bit life has changed, morphed, transitioned, and as I approach 21, I'm so happy and grateful with where I find myself. I'm not really sure what the next year has in store, but I do know it will have its difficulties and struggles. Yet despite that, I also know that I will be surrounded by so much love, happiness, friendship, strength, I will make so many more treasured memories, and maybe, just maybe, I will crack how to make mashed potato.

So with that, here are my 20 things...

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001. Camping is actually really fun and relaxing 

002. Porridge tastes like heaven when you make it with double cream and add mixed spices

003. I am so lucky to have my Mum. I don't think I could have got through this year without her unconditional support, guidance, wisdom and love. I am so lucky that she is always just a phone call or hug away

004. I bloody love my Dad too. And my sister. And my Nan & Grandad. And the rest of my family 

005. Make sure I fully appreciate this wonderful, crazy, gorgeous time of my life and seize every opportunity, drink in every moment, be present throughout it all, because it goes waaaay to fast and life won't be this way forever, and I will treasure these days for the rest of my life

006. My self-esteem is probably always going to be a bit of a madam, but it's getting better, and my way of dealing with it is a lot more positive too nowadays

007. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers, and a simple smile can go an awful long way 

008. Pie and chips and gravy is quite possibly the secret to happiness (my mouth is salivating just from writing the words)

009. I will be a good speech and language therapist and I will get through this sodding degree, and the difficulties I face are only ever making me stronger!!

010. I'm surprisingly good at korfball once I get into the game and stop nattering away with the opposition and actually run after the ball when it comes

011. I know I just said happiness is pie, gravy & chips and I don't take that back, but I think true, undeniable, soul fulfilling happiness comes from simply spending time with the people you love most (ie. friends and family) and letting go of your worries, laughing till you can't breathe and just simply having fun  

012. I love cactuses, gin and tonic, chickpeas, tequila shots, pool (even if I get 7 balled rather a lot), Fresh Meat, Lord of the Rings, Gilmore Girls, Guardians of the Galaxy, foreign films, giant pizzas, brownies, anything silver (it makes me feel like a twinkly little star), cats, basketball, being lazy, veggie burgers, cycling

013. The importance of doing your bit to help other people and make a positive change to their lives. Nothing else can ever replicate the feeling of utter fulfilment that being selfless brings

014. Don't take everything so seriously or sensitively, and instead take a step back and relax, laugh, gain perspective, remember what's important, do the thing you want to do, be kind to yourself

015. The importance of treating the people you love, and letting them know they are loved as much as you possibly can

016. I really, really, really, really like talking on the phone

017. I'm growing into the person I always hoped I would become, and I am so very proud of who I am and the person I try to be

018. There are some really amazing places in the world, including Rome, Amsterdam, Atilla, Forest of Dean, Anglessey, Tenby (yes I love Wales now!!!), Portsmouth (love that too), Lancashire, Cheshire, Buxton, Prague...

019. I was never alone, and I'm never alone, I just need to reach out to any one of the amazing support network I have around me, and they will help me find my way back home

020. Love, and finding the right person, was completely and utterly worth the wait

Little Things

LITTLE THINGS 

I always kind of thought that when you experienced love, you would experience it in that big, bold, life changing way. A part of me always thought that it would be declarative, grand, extravagant. There would be an urgency, a suddenness, a weaving and whirling trail of tell-tale signs. It would be something big, so big that it could only ever be expressed in the most magnificent of actions. It would be booming, brilliant fireworks. It would be streams and scores of shooting stars. It would be gushing electric currents and cataclysmic earthquakes. It would be a waterfall of sound. It would be final, definite, pressing, unrestrained magic and wildness and wonder.

I can't quite find the words to capture the feeling. What I thought it would feel like. These metaphorical explanations are the best I can do. When it comes to love, I've always been looking for the obvious, the big gestures, the certainties. The kind of things that are so... definite. So transparent. So sure. And I'm now starting to realise that yes, love can be expressed through those well known channels. Things like 'I love you', hugs, kisses, sex, holding hands, asking for a number, chatting someone up, telling someone they look beautiful, asking them out on a date. Those expressions we know so well, and automatically associate with love. The way we expect love to be, to look like, to feel like. But I'm now starting to understand, and be amazed by the fact, that love is expressed in a whole wealth of other ways too. 

Even those transition periods that mark a love's progression, from strangers through to partners, I always thought they would be so official and standardised and pointed too. Almost like checking off boxes on a tick list. Everything would be so linear and chronological and expected. Footsteps taken along a pathway cobbled with the same stepping stones. The rules already written. If you want someone to know you love them, do this, do that, then this, and so on. And somehow they will then know. And then you will move onto the next step. And then everything will magically and seamlessly fall into place. And the happy ending will come. But it doesn't really seem to work like that.

Instead, I'm realising that love is something that is gradual and seamless. It is something that slowly burns brighter and brighter until one day, you look around you to find there is nothing but light surrounding you. The darkness has disappeared. Love comes so naturally and easily once you open up your heart to it, and allow those feelings the freedom to exist, to be, to flow and move throughout your body. It also finds its way to you somehow too. To look for love is innate, instinctive, addictive, yet the irony is true. Once you stop your elusive and ambiguous soul searching, and you simply enjoy your life for what it is, focus on loving yourself and those you care about, and realise you are so happy as you are right here, right now, your own individual entity... somehow love finds you. 

It kind of feels like Christmas Eve night when you were a child. When you were worried that Santa wouldn't find you, even though you put out the carrots and the sherry and the 'santa please stop here' sign, and you wrote that lovely letter and made him a Christmas tree out of Hamma beads too. Your parents would reassure you that he'd find his way somehow, but for now you just need to close your eyes and sleep. Dream wonderful, magical dreams. And trust that Santa will come. He will find his way somehow. So you close your eyes. You trust he will come. You stop wondering and analysing and indulging in rational thought. And you innately believe he will find you, you just need to give him time. Then morning comes, you walk tentatively downstairs, push open the door, and there you find everything you ever longed for, dreamed about, wished for. Love arrives a  little bit like that.

I'm also starting to realise that love is expressed on a spectrum, from the most minute to the most magnificent, and everything in between, and that those loving gestures are perhaps the most beautiful, meaningful and pure when in their smallest and simplest forms. Those actions that you would overlook in the blink of an eye. The ones that are so small you often aren't even aware they exist. That they've happened. And that they've happened to you. The subtle changes in the way you feel and act. The expressions you do yourself without even realising. The loving gestures that are masked behind seemingly ordinary actions. To me it is so fascinating, beautiful, humbling, honest. Sometimes I really don't think there could be anything more amazing.

It's that way two people start to find themselves drawn to one another like magnets, or two ends of an invisible piece of thread that never seems to break. It's the way a relationship and connection builds over time, slowly, steadily, gradually, piece by little piece, until one day you realise what you've built between you, and how much it means too. It's the way you jump over obstacles so you can keep running towards the beckoning horizon. It's the way you start to care about somebody, the way you start to appreciate them, the way you start to know them, the way you start to notice all the little wonderful things that make them such a good person, and such a blessing to this world.

It's the way you start to look out for each other, like two guiding lights that will always help you find your way home. It's the way two people start to reach out to one another instinctively, no matter where or when, and transmit all those little actions, signals, words, looks, that all seem to code for the message: I care about you, and I know I don't have to, but I do, and I just wanted you to know that. It's the way you worry that they haven't received the message, and the moment you realised they have. They know. It's the inexplicable affinity, the companionship, the adventure. It's that feeling that you're stood right on the cusp of magic and possibility and meaning and a cosmic galaxy full of twinkling stars, and you're amazed at the world for amazing you in such a subtle yet magnificent way.

It's the little things, all those wonderful, precious, honest, instinctive, sincere little things, that somehow seem to change... everything.

This Year

THIS YEAR

Hello everybody, and happy 2017 too! I still can't believe it's no longer 2016, but I'm so happy to welcome in this new year. When I see 2017 on the little toolbar at the bottom of my laptop, I inexplicably feel better just by the addition of those two digits. It seems right somehow. Even a couple of minutes after midnight on new years day, I felt overwhelmingly excited about 2017 and the year ahead, and I couldn't explain why. It just felt like something in my brain clicked into place, and I suddenly had this desire to live, travel, have fun, learn new things, explore, do what makes me happy, spread love into the world, and take everything on head first. Maybe that's just what happens when you're in your twenties, and this was a delayed reaction. I don't know. But it felt like a whirlwind of energy just catalysed inside of me, ready to be put to use.

 My new years eve was spent with family and family-friends, just like last year, and it was a lovely, wonderful, laughter-filled affair. The hour before midnight was spent talking about fate and co-incidence, a conversation so engrossing we only just made it for the 10 second countdown. And the hours after midnight were spent singing and dancing to old classics on You Tube, and drinking leftover prosecco. The whole night filled my heart and soul to the brim, and for some reason I felt incredibly appreciative of everything that had happened in my life, up to that point. If you ready my previous post, you'll probably already get the jist of how I'm feeling about last year, this year, and life in general, and nothing has really changed in the last four days or so. I'm still buzzing about everything, and I really can't wait to get on with living my life.

So to see in the new year, I thought I'd do a little list about some of the things I hope to do, because I realised that this year, I want to focus on being the architect of my life and my happiness. I want to continue building up my life and myself, into what I always dreamed and hoped they would become. I want to embrace that Kyoko Escamilla quote that summed up how to live your twenties, and just have fun, be a little selfish, and seek out the possibility and wonder in the world. And all these things, they are the quintessential and infinite way of youth, and I am blessed to find myself steadily getting lost within the midst of it all.

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HMMMMMMM

001. Double check I've locked the toilet door. Very important.

002. Expand on my cactus collection, which currently stands at the grand total of 1 (sorry Freddie).

003. Learn more songs to play on my guitar.

004. Start taking books out the library again, because I miss my little visits. And ideally try and give less aesthetically pleasing books a chance too.

005. Change up the colour of my hair a little bit, and see what lies beyond the realms of dark brown.

006. Reign in the sarcasm because sometimes I overdo the sass.

007. Remember what is most important in life, and use this knowledge to guide me.

008. Figure out how to make mash potato. I don't understand why it's so hard.

009. Take on some new volunteering opportunities so I can help other people, and also grow some more as a person.

010. Make a new IG account for my art, so I can start getting it out there into the world. And also figure out where I want to take my art, and what I want to do with it.

011. Start to think about what comes next after uni, and begin piecing all my ideas together.

012. Maintain my relationships with friends and family, and make sure they all know how much I bloody love them!

013. Listen to my body more when it comes to food and drink. It's actually pretty good at telling me it doesn't want that leftover millionaire shortbread cheesecake and it actually wants cucumber instead (not that I listened though).

014. Continue to push myself out of my comfort zone. If something scares me, do it.

015. Finish watching Gilmore Girls (and then probably watch it again). Also, hello Girls season 6!

016. Work on controlling my anxiety by deep breathing, doing things that relax me, and using my new-found perspective and experiences, because everything, literally every little thing, is going to be ok.

017. Curb the biscuit spread addiction.

018. Use some of my savings to travel somewhere again, whether in the UK or abroad, and photograph, draw, read, walk around, and appreciate all the little, beautiful things.

019. Try not to spontaneously combust when I see Stevie Nicks live.

020. Spend every day of summer fangirling, because hello I've been waiting 4 u since September 2016.

021. Hold on tight to this new belief in myself and my abilities, and use it to keep myself moving onwards and upwards.

022. Continue to practise my writing, and seek out further opportunities to use it.

023. Try to keep on putting good back into the world, in any way I can.

024. Accept that some days I will feel a bit shite, and that's okay. It's the way the world works, a perfect mixture of good and bad, and the important thing is that I overcome it and keep on going.

025. Think about ways that I can share my love of music with the world.

026. Try and be braver when it comes to romantic love, whether that be accepting it, showing it, giving it, pursuing it. I think it's time to stop being so afraid.

So 2016...

SO 2016...

It's that time of year again dear readers. The obligatory, overly-enthusiastic and way too detailed reflection of the year gone by. If you've read this blog for long enough, you'll know that these kinds of post are my speciality, for I am deeper than a Pizza Hut deep pan pizza, and I love to ponder and wonder and feel all the feels. And what better time to do all these things, than the end of another year? What better time is there, to pause and appreciate how far you've come? No other time feels quite as significant, poignant or appropriate to do such at thing. And whilst these years pass by increasingly faster, twelve months is still a rather long time, and it never ceases to amaze me how much things can change. It gives me great joy to marvel at how each of us becomes a slightly different person to who we were the year before. And sometimes we go forwards, sometimes we go backwards, but we never quite stay the same. Every new year is a chance to grow, live, learn, experience, explore, and I love how every year we write a new chapter in the novels of our lives. 

Everyone says that 2016 has been one of the shittest years we've had in quite some time. And in some ways, yes it has been a bit of a bummer. I still have trouble accepting that Alan Rickman is no longer with us, along with the gigantanormous list of other wonderful people who have sadly passed away this year. In that respect, 2016 has not been too great. And if you factor in Brexit and President Trump, and all the other iffy things that have happened, then I can understand why you'd be feeling a bit miffed. But the funny thing is, I still think this year has been a gem.

Of course life has not always been the bees knees. In this last year I've felt aching loneliness. I've felt lost and unsure. I've been overwhelmed with anxiety, fear and low self-esteem. I've wondered if I'm strong enough to handle this world. I've had a heads up about what's to come in the future, and I know that the road ahead won't be easy. I've forgotten to lock the toilet door multiple times, and had strangers walk in on me doing my business. I asked someone out for drinks whilst not entirely sober, got rejected, and had to deal with the aftermath of it. I accidentally used the men's toilet and convinced the men in there that they were in the wrong toilet, not me. I jumped over a puddle on my way to placement and the back of my skirt ripped, so I had to stitch it together with paper clips. I had my arm humped by a dog.

None of these things were ideal, and there were other not-so-great moments too. But all these things, I got through them. I'm getting through them. I tripped, I fell, and I got back up again. I made a right tit out of myself, as per usual, and it was fine. I accepted the iffy things that 2016 had in store for me, and I just kept on going. And it's because of that, that these events have not gone on to define my year. There's no doubt that they've all benefited me in some way, whether that be making me or others laugh, making sure I actually lock the toilet door, teaching me dignity, grace and how to open up, helping me to mature, toughening me up, changing my attitude, making me stronger and more appreciative. And for that I am very grateful. But 2016 was way, way more than that. And I feel like it had to be. After all, I did have my arm humped by a dog, as well as have someone walk in on me having a number 2.

So many wonderful, wonderful things happened this year, and as always seems to be the case, me in January and me in December are two different people. But this time round, I feel like I have ended up in an even better place than before, and I am so incredibly happy with my life and who I am. And this year alone I have been very lucky in what I've experienced. I watched The 1975, The Last Shadow Puppets, Bruce Springsteen, James Bay, Honne and the Halle Orchestra perform. I went on a roadtrip to the Bronte Museum. I went to see my oldest friend in Portsmouth for a truly magical weekend. I used my savings to visit Prague with my mum. I went to Rome. I stayed in the Forest of Dean. I volunteered at kids camp, and at a festival, and discovered the joys of camping, met some amazing people, and pushed myself out my comfort zone.

I helped celebrate my sister's first night out. I started playing Korfball matches and going on all their brilliant nights out. I started going to gigs and open mic nights with my friend. I went out for chicken to celebrate my 20th birthday. I volunteered at a stammering convention, with transgender people, at the Stroke Association, and helped organise parties for old people in the local community. I helped raised over £10,000 for Manchester Mind. I had a corker of a night out in Nottingham to celebrate my friend's birthday, and some spontaneous nights out in Derbados. I spent the night dancing to latino music. I took my family out for dinner and paid for all their meals. I got over 40,000 views on my blog. I passed second year of uni and my third year placement with a first. I had the best placement I could have asked for, and met some incredible people along the way.

I grew out my fringe and my hair. I had the best summer of my life. I've been having the best time living with my new housemates. I've made some lovely new friends. I've discovered the joys of red wine, gin and tonic, branflakes and biscuit spread. I bought the best puffy coat in the world. I continued discovering Manchester on my own, and spent time sitting at Castlefield Bowl and enjoying the peacefulness. I had my sister and her friends come stay, and we went to Liverpool, Cloud 23, and all around town. I had my oldest friend come stay. I worked the Christmas parties again, and met some really nice people and had banter with the chefs. I was given the best eyeshadow palette in the world. I cooked xmas dinner with my course friends, went to Costa with my old housemate, met up with my first year housemates for dinner nights.

I met up with old friends and reminisced about times gone by, and made plans for the future. I spent quality time with my family. I've been working on my drawing skills and updating my online store. I've read lots of good books and discovered lots of good music and baked lots of cake. I saw my sister off into her new life in London, and one of my oldest friends to her new life in Paris. I stayed with my sis at Christmas, and we had a magical weekend. I discovered Gilmore Girls. I went to bingo for the firs time. I had a whistlestop 24 hour visit to London and saw Kinky Boots. I now own a cactus, and the softest dressing gown you've ever felt in your entire existence. I went to Pangaea festival and walked home in the pouring rain. I finally got the hang of uni. I've been playing my guitar more, and I spontaneously bought a drum. I TURNED 20 and so far my twenties have been bloody amazing. I discovered new love, was the recipient of another heart's affections, and realised that I am always surrounded by so much love- I just wasn't looking in the right places.

My attitude has changed. The way I respond to things is changing. I feel more and more like a woman now, and I love watching the transformation occur. I've learnt from mistakes and made new ones to learn from. I feel so much stronger and self-assured. I've realised what's most important in life, and how I can make my time on this earth meaningful and magical and wonderful. I've done so many things I can be proud of, and I continually strive to be the person I always dreamed of. I love and I care and I listen. I make time for people, I make people laugh, and I'm trying to nail the perfect brownie recipe, and finally figure out how to make mash potato. I try to put good into the world, and I try to treat others as I would want to be treated. And sometimes I slip up. Sometimes I get too argumentative, too sensitive, too witty, too careless, and I get brought back down to earth all over again. And that's okay.

I thought last year was the making of me, but I now realise that 2016 is the year in which I finally found my place. This year has been one heck of a journey, and it's so gorgeous that I just want to hug it a million times over and say thank you for happening. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the shitty, sad, mopey, lonely, embarrassing times. Thank you for all the wonderful, amazing, brilliant times. Thank you for making me better and stronger and wiser and more confident and mature and self-assured than I was last year. Thank you for helping me kick off my twenties in such an illuminating way. Thank you for helping me to find the balance between who I am, and who I want to be. Thank you for helping me to find myself, and what makes me happy. Thank you for making me believe in myself and my future, and to feel excited about the next chapter in my life. Thank you for helping me to really understand what love is. Thank you for looking after the people I love. And thank you for letting me see Bruce Springsteen live.

2016, you really have been quite alright, and 2017, here's to another year of trying to be less like Bridget Jones and more like Carrie Bradshaw. And let's hope that the dog humping, toilet intrusions and making important life choices whilst not entirely sober, is kept to a minimum.