What Happens Next?

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

For most of this year, one of the main things occupying my brain space is this: what does the future hold?

In September I begin my fourth and final year of university, and I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

On the one hand, I'm so happy about finally finishing my degree. I can't wait to go back and see all my friends again, do the things I love, make more cherished memories, try out new things while I can, return to my beloved Manchester, soak up the last of my 18-year-long education and, fingers crossed, graduate with a degree ( a degree!!!). I can't wait to start the next chapter of my life, and have the world at my feet once again. I'm ready for the next adventure. I want to make something of myself, and see what life has in store next. I want to earn some money, see more of the world, gain life experience, be free....

Yet on the other hand, another part of me is absolutely terrified. Terrified about starting fourth year. Doing my dissertation. My final placement. Leaving university behind. Saying goodbye. Receiving the very freedom I seek. And most importantly this: figuring out what comes next.

Because I don't have a bloody clue. And the confusion just seems to get foggier and foggier. And I'm waiting for a sunbeam to strike and illuminate the path I need to take. But when will it come?

Already people are starting to ask me what I plan on doing once university ends, and all I can say is that I have no idea. Throughout university, I've loved asking older years what their plans were one university ended. I longed to hear about what adventures they had planned next, and where their lives were heading. It seemed to exciting and inspiring to me. Yet most times, I was met with 'I don't know', 'I don't have a clue', 'I hate that question', and 'I'm trying not to think about it'. And I didn't understand why.

I didn't understand how they felt, until now.

Because it really is terrifying, doing your final year and then graduating. And I think what scares me most, is that I just don't know where I want my life to go next. Or more like, I can imagine all these things I want to do, areas I want to explore, things I want to learn, places I want to live, people I want to be... and I don't really know where to start. There's too much. And it's overwhelming me. 

I feel like I'm dreaming too big, and yet I also feel like I'm not dreaming big enough at all. 

I feel like I'm doing what I want to do, and being true to myself, and yet I also feel like I'm not. 

I feel like I'm exactly where I'm meant to be, and yet I'm also envisioning at least five more paths I could've, maybe should've, taken. 

I feel like I know myself, and what's right for me, best for me, and yet I also feel like I don't.

I just thought I'd have something figured out by now. That I would know which path to take. But it feels like I'm right back where I was at the end of A Levels, deciding on my future. There were so many spinning plates on the go, and four years later, the same plates are still spinning. None of them smashed along the way. They only spun stronger. And once again, I find myself looking into the melting pot and I don't know what to do next.

Of course part of me knows that everything is going to work out somehow. I need to take it one step at a time. Get through this last year first, before worrying about everything else. Allow myself time to think and explore. Remember that I can be, do, anything that I put my mind to.

But I guess for me, it all boils down to this, and it always has done: do I take a risk, and follow this new selfless path I've carved out for myself. Enter this new industry, profession, specialism. Become a new version of myself, see who I could become and what I could do, and to some extent, go against what comes naturally and innately to me?

Or do I be selfish, and go back to the me that has always been there. Follow the path everyone expected me to take, and are surprised I haven't taken. The path which I maybe should've taken, the one that so naturally speaks to my soul, but I rebelled against. The one that will see me returning to my roots and nurturing them, growing them, because I bailed too soon to know what they could become? 

I have no idea. I really don't. And I don't expect to figure it out anytime soon, and I know that's okay (although I wish I knew the answers already!). But I just wanted to let the web of thought out, because as Shrek once wisely said, it's better out than in. And I will find my way, I know I will. It's just going to take more time than I thought.