Bear With Me, I'm Trying

BEAR WITH ME, I'M TRYING

The other day, I had this moment where I felt almost paralysed and crippled by the weight of my insecurity, and my dwindling self-esteem and self-confidence left me feeling like I was trying to swim in a treacherous ocean without a life ring to hold on to. It made me feel weak, and vulnerable, and I hated every minute of it. The feeling came on gradually over the course of a few days, and it all just built up into this little monster in my mind. I didn't know why I was doing it to myself, why I was letting it happen, why I even find myself in these situations at all. Because I love myself. I really do. All the good things, all the bad things. And I know I'm on my way to bigger and better things. I don't hate myself, and I don't think I ever have. I think I just get confused and all muddled up by what other people think of me, or what I perceive them as thinking of me. It's like an interference that messes with the signal and distorts it into something that it wasn't intended to be. And I'll be the first to admit that I don't always perceive things right. Growing up, in my younger years I had experiences that made me form a low opinion of myself. So I think I'm more receptive to the not-so-great things other people say, think, do, because it reinforces that notion of not being good enough. Or I will assume the worst because in a way, I want to believe that I'm not good enough. It's like my brain is still trying to catch on to the fact that actually, I am good enough. I'm capable of anything I want to do. I'm so much more than the limitations I've learnt to place upon myself. It's easier to hold myself in a lower position, because it's innate, automatic. It's what I've learnt to do. But things don't have to be like that.

I only noticed that there was another side to the story, when I started to realise that how I felt about me, and how others felt about me, were actually two separate things, and that I could have an opinion of myself completely devoid of anyone else's input. When I paid more attention to what I thought, devoid of anything else, and I listened to that voice in my mind, I was surprised to find that when everything else is stripped away, I actually have a pretty nice, positive, supportive, accepting relationship with myself. As an individual, all is good in my world. I'm at peace with myself. I understand myself. I care about myself. So the problem appears to be with that negative, limiting, automatic behaviour I learnt at such a young age, and how I continue to use other people as a way of sub-consciously reinforcing that. When I was younger, and I learnt that behaviour, I didn't have a reason for why I wasn't good enough. I just wasn't. So now, when there's reason to believe I'm not good enough, I'll take any reason. Any reason will do to reinforce the notion. And that naturally places me and my self-esteem in quite a vulnerable position.

It's strange because I've realised now that I actually must be quite afraid of not being good enough. Of that low-opinion being reinforced. It would explain an awful lot about my behaviour. I don't seem to like that feeling, and what it does to me. All the things that scare me most: not meeting my potential, messing up, making mistakes, not being good enough... they scare me because I don't know what other people will do, what they'll think. I personally don't mind, I can accept that I'm not perfect. I just don't want to let other people down. I don't want to give them a reason to put me down. I often wrongly believe that people are out to get me, even though that's not true. I'm  afraid of them reinforcing the idea that I'm not good enough, and triggering my negative behaviour, because I know exactly what will happen next. I also don't want to believe that I'm not good enough any more, because I no longer believe that's the case...  I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel invincible and infinite and like I can do anything that I put my mind to. I want to prove myself, believe in myself, remember my worth. I want to perceive things the right way, and regain control of what I choose to respond to, and how I respond to it. I want to take control of myself again, instead of letting the influence of other people dictate too strongly. I want to break this cycle once and for all. It's time to make change happen.

And when I turned 20, I thought that that would be exactly what happened. I thought that all these fears and worries would just evaporate into thin air. Evidently that was way to overly optimistic, because these things are part of who I am, and making these things change takes time. I know that. But everything, all of this, all the good and all the bad, it's part of who I am, or at least the person I am right now at this moment in time. In speech therapy, we call a summary like that a baseline, and we establish the baseline so that we have a concrete point from which to work from. A platform from which we can only go upwards. And that's what I plan on doing. When you're trying to solve a problem, you need to actually understand the problem, and how it came to be. If the problem is a mass of stars in the sky, you need to start forming the links between them all, until you end up with a constellation. The constellation is then like a map, showing you how and why everything links together to make the bigger picture. And within this, patterns and trends will emerge, and the biggest problem of all will reveal itself, like a ghost emerging from the shadows of the night. And then it's as though a lightbulb is switched on, a sigh of relief escapes the chest, and suddenly it makes sense what you need to do next. You know exactly what you need to focus on, and how to do it right. And so the positive path to change can finally happen.

Understanding all these things about myself, has been absolutely crucial to instigating this longed for change. I needed answers. I needed it to be clear in my own mind. I needed to want this. And this last year of my life has been formative in so many ways, that I don't even know where to begin or how to describe the impact it has had on me. It's literally been the making of me. So much has happened, and it's all helped me to understand myself better, and why I feel and react the way I do, and what things I really need to work on. I saw first hand the implications that my current way of living could and will have on my personal and professional life, hence prompting my decision to start making that positive change happen now. I've discovered flaws and weaknesses, and felt this joy because it gives me the chance to put my energies in the right places and improve myself, and work hard to show people the potential that I know is inside of me. It's almost liberating to accept that you're not perfect. I've been rejected a couple of times, and taken lots of criticism too, and I've had to learn how to deal with that in a beneficial and positive way, instead of using it as a weapon of self-destruction. I've recently been trying to change how I perceive and respond to things, and instructing myself on how I can do both in a healthier, productive and you guessed it, positive manner. I'm trying to put some good back into the world. I'm trying to push myself. I'm trying to think twice before I jump to conclusions. I'm trying to get myself out of that limiting barrier I trapped myself under many years ago, and lift myself up into a new position. I'm trying to remember and hold tight to all the good things I've done, and that I will be doing. I'm trying to hold my head high, walk with confidence, act with grace, maturity and dignity, and have my eyes focused on what's ahead of me, and where I could be. I'm trying to remember how far I've already come, and celebrating everything that I've already achieved. And sure, I might not be there yet, but I'm trying. I really am. 

Ironically enough, all throughout this last year I've been living across the road from a work site. When I first moved in, there was nothing but demolished rubble and fragments of what used to be. It all got cleared away, and throughout the autumn and winter the builders began laying down and constructing the framework of what was to be. We had no idea what they were building. We just knew that it would be something. As the months have passed by, this building, this brand new creation with a healthy, robust, innovative infrastructure, has begun to take shape. What started as absolutely nothing, has steadily grown into something rather magnificent. And every day I walk past it, or I look out my window as I draw the blinds back every morning, and something new has been added. The finishing line gets close and closer. The creation is almost complete. And for me personally, I find the whole thing so symbolic, and almost reassuring, because this building literally represents this last year of my life down to a T. Each stage of the building process reflected what was happening and is happening in my own life, weird as it sounds. The whole breaking myself down and rebuilding myself in a better way. So seeing that building get stronger and bigger and more complete with every passing day, is like visually seeing how I too have got stronger, wiser, better and closer to my end goal. It's an affinity, and it's been such a motivating reinforcer over this last year. Every step forward I get closer and closer. I feel such pride in myself, and it makes me realise that one day, I too will get to that finishing line. I will make it. I can do it. Just bear with me.