So 2016...

SO 2016...

It's that time of year again dear readers. The obligatory, overly-enthusiastic and way too detailed reflection of the year gone by. If you've read this blog for long enough, you'll know that these kinds of post are my speciality, for I am deeper than a Pizza Hut deep pan pizza, and I love to ponder and wonder and feel all the feels. And what better time to do all these things, than the end of another year? What better time is there, to pause and appreciate how far you've come? No other time feels quite as significant, poignant or appropriate to do such at thing. And whilst these years pass by increasingly faster, twelve months is still a rather long time, and it never ceases to amaze me how much things can change. It gives me great joy to marvel at how each of us becomes a slightly different person to who we were the year before. And sometimes we go forwards, sometimes we go backwards, but we never quite stay the same. Every new year is a chance to grow, live, learn, experience, explore, and I love how every year we write a new chapter in the novels of our lives. 

Everyone says that 2016 has been one of the shittest years we've had in quite some time. And in some ways, yes it has been a bit of a bummer. I still have trouble accepting that Alan Rickman is no longer with us, along with the gigantanormous list of other wonderful people who have sadly passed away this year. In that respect, 2016 has not been too great. And if you factor in Brexit and President Trump, and all the other iffy things that have happened, then I can understand why you'd be feeling a bit miffed. But the funny thing is, I still think this year has been a gem.

Of course life has not always been the bees knees. In this last year I've felt aching loneliness. I've felt lost and unsure. I've been overwhelmed with anxiety, fear and low self-esteem. I've wondered if I'm strong enough to handle this world. I've had a heads up about what's to come in the future, and I know that the road ahead won't be easy. I've forgotten to lock the toilet door multiple times, and had strangers walk in on me doing my business. I asked someone out for drinks whilst not entirely sober, got rejected, and had to deal with the aftermath of it. I accidentally used the men's toilet and convinced the men in there that they were in the wrong toilet, not me. I jumped over a puddle on my way to placement and the back of my skirt ripped, so I had to stitch it together with paper clips. I had my arm humped by a dog.

None of these things were ideal, and there were other not-so-great moments too. But all these things, I got through them. I'm getting through them. I tripped, I fell, and I got back up again. I made a right tit out of myself, as per usual, and it was fine. I accepted the iffy things that 2016 had in store for me, and I just kept on going. And it's because of that, that these events have not gone on to define my year. There's no doubt that they've all benefited me in some way, whether that be making me or others laugh, making sure I actually lock the toilet door, teaching me dignity, grace and how to open up, helping me to mature, toughening me up, changing my attitude, making me stronger and more appreciative. And for that I am very grateful. But 2016 was way, way more than that. And I feel like it had to be. After all, I did have my arm humped by a dog, as well as have someone walk in on me having a number 2.

So many wonderful, wonderful things happened this year, and as always seems to be the case, me in January and me in December are two different people. But this time round, I feel like I have ended up in an even better place than before, and I am so incredibly happy with my life and who I am. And this year alone I have been very lucky in what I've experienced. I watched The 1975, The Last Shadow Puppets, Bruce Springsteen, James Bay, Honne and the Halle Orchestra perform. I went on a roadtrip to the Bronte Museum. I went to see my oldest friend in Portsmouth for a truly magical weekend. I used my savings to visit Prague with my mum. I went to Rome. I stayed in the Forest of Dean. I volunteered at kids camp, and at a festival, and discovered the joys of camping, met some amazing people, and pushed myself out my comfort zone.

I helped celebrate my sister's first night out. I started playing Korfball matches and going on all their brilliant nights out. I started going to gigs and open mic nights with my friend. I went out for chicken to celebrate my 20th birthday. I volunteered at a stammering convention, with transgender people, at the Stroke Association, and helped organise parties for old people in the local community. I helped raised over £10,000 for Manchester Mind. I had a corker of a night out in Nottingham to celebrate my friend's birthday, and some spontaneous nights out in Derbados. I spent the night dancing to latino music. I took my family out for dinner and paid for all their meals. I got over 40,000 views on my blog. I passed second year of uni and my third year placement with a first. I had the best placement I could have asked for, and met some incredible people along the way.

I grew out my fringe and my hair. I had the best summer of my life. I've been having the best time living with my new housemates. I've made some lovely new friends. I've discovered the joys of red wine, gin and tonic, branflakes and biscuit spread. I bought the best puffy coat in the world. I continued discovering Manchester on my own, and spent time sitting at Castlefield Bowl and enjoying the peacefulness. I had my sister and her friends come stay, and we went to Liverpool, Cloud 23, and all around town. I had my oldest friend come stay. I worked the Christmas parties again, and met some really nice people and had banter with the chefs. I was given the best eyeshadow palette in the world. I cooked xmas dinner with my course friends, went to Costa with my old housemate, met up with my first year housemates for dinner nights.

I met up with old friends and reminisced about times gone by, and made plans for the future. I spent quality time with my family. I've been working on my drawing skills and updating my online store. I've read lots of good books and discovered lots of good music and baked lots of cake. I saw my sister off into her new life in London, and one of my oldest friends to her new life in Paris. I stayed with my sis at Christmas, and we had a magical weekend. I discovered Gilmore Girls. I went to bingo for the firs time. I had a whistlestop 24 hour visit to London and saw Kinky Boots. I now own a cactus, and the softest dressing gown you've ever felt in your entire existence. I went to Pangaea festival and walked home in the pouring rain. I finally got the hang of uni. I've been playing my guitar more, and I spontaneously bought a drum. I TURNED 20 and so far my twenties have been bloody amazing. I discovered new love, was the recipient of another heart's affections, and realised that I am always surrounded by so much love- I just wasn't looking in the right places.

My attitude has changed. The way I respond to things is changing. I feel more and more like a woman now, and I love watching the transformation occur. I've learnt from mistakes and made new ones to learn from. I feel so much stronger and self-assured. I've realised what's most important in life, and how I can make my time on this earth meaningful and magical and wonderful. I've done so many things I can be proud of, and I continually strive to be the person I always dreamed of. I love and I care and I listen. I make time for people, I make people laugh, and I'm trying to nail the perfect brownie recipe, and finally figure out how to make mash potato. I try to put good into the world, and I try to treat others as I would want to be treated. And sometimes I slip up. Sometimes I get too argumentative, too sensitive, too witty, too careless, and I get brought back down to earth all over again. And that's okay.

I thought last year was the making of me, but I now realise that 2016 is the year in which I finally found my place. This year has been one heck of a journey, and it's so gorgeous that I just want to hug it a million times over and say thank you for happening. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all the shitty, sad, mopey, lonely, embarrassing times. Thank you for all the wonderful, amazing, brilliant times. Thank you for making me better and stronger and wiser and more confident and mature and self-assured than I was last year. Thank you for helping me kick off my twenties in such an illuminating way. Thank you for helping me to find the balance between who I am, and who I want to be. Thank you for helping me to find myself, and what makes me happy. Thank you for making me believe in myself and my future, and to feel excited about the next chapter in my life. Thank you for helping me to really understand what love is. Thank you for looking after the people I love. And thank you for letting me see Bruce Springsteen live.

2016, you really have been quite alright, and 2017, here's to another year of trying to be less like Bridget Jones and more like Carrie Bradshaw. And let's hope that the dog humping, toilet intrusions and making important life choices whilst not entirely sober, is kept to a minimum.

Family

FAMILY

When I think about this year, and what I have learnt from it, the one thing that overrides everything else is this: the importance of family. It's not to say that I never appreciated my family till now, but I think this year has made me really, truly, fully realise how lucky I am to have my family. I can't convey to you how many times I have thought to myself about how lucky I am to have my Mum, my Dad, my sister. My Nan and Grandad. My Uncles, Aunties, and cousins. How many times I've looked at my family and felt my heart swell with love and gratitude. How many times I've walked taller, held my head higher, and smiled to myself, after taking a second to feel appreciative of the family I have surrounding me, lifting me up, there to catch me if I fall, that love me unconditionally (even when I'm being a cheeky bugger or a mardy bum). It is truly remarkable.

And we aren't perfect. Far from it. And we all have our little quirks, and the things that piss each other off, as do we have the qualities that make us so valued and loved. But all those things make us who we are. They define and shape our family. When I was growing up, I took it for granted that my Mum was my Mum, Dad was my Dad, and so on. I took it for granted that I had my particular family, and I took for granted what they did for me. It's only as I've matured a bit, and since I've been living away from home, that I've started to view my family, and the concept of family, in a different way. Family isn't just a series of interconnected biological relations, or the labels we use to define our emotional relations to one another. I know it's the most cliche phrase out there, but it's true that family is way, way more than that. It's the people who are there when the sun sets, and the dust settles, and everything else fades away. It's the people who love you inexplicably and completely and eternally.

One of the things I love most about my family, is that very fact that we aren't perfect. We wind each other up. We speak our minds, for better or for worse. We talk about god knows what at the dinner table. We take the mick out of each other. We upset each other. We argue like mad. We can be grumpy and mardy and moany. Amazing things happen to us. Sad things happen to us. Unfortunate things happen to us. Sometimes we fall apart and the pieces of our puzzle don't fit together. Sometimes we say and do things that we don't mean. Sometimes we're selfish. Sometimes we rock the boat without meaning to. Sometimes we take it a step too far, and we wonder how we will ever get past this moment. But that's just it. We always do.

Our family is a safe space. We all love each other so much that it's impossible for us to close our hearts to one another. Our innate instincts are to forgive, to love, to accept, to care, to hold onto one another. And everyone in our family has a place, a reason, a role. Everyone is welcomed, and we all come together and meet somewhere in the middle. Family is fluid. When someone is weak, everyone else is strong. When someone falls, we come together to pick them back up. We become what each other needs. Who we are is an ever changing motion, and I think it's so beautiful how families do that. How we never stay the same, for we're too busy reacting to one another and doing whatever it is we need to do, to keep our bonds intact.

Every day of our lives we grow together. We morph into newer, better versions of ourselves, and even though we change, the core of who we are remains stable. And in an ever-changing world, it's a comfort to have these important things remain. But even then, our beloved family members won't be around forever, a fact that becomes all too poignant when the news is reporting what seems to be an endless continuum of deaths. We never know what's around the corner. Or sometimes we're lucky enough to be given a heads up, and the reminder that the people we love won't always be here. So we really must enjoy our time together whilst we can. Tell people you love them. Go on adventures. Do the most mundane things in their company, simply so that you can spend time with them. Laugh. Cry. Hold them close. Every moment we have is so precious.

I don't think anybody has the perfect family, and I don't think there will ever be a definition of the perfect family. Family isn't meant to be perfect. Family is a miracle. A blessing. A strange old conglomeration of different people. A reminder of what is most important in this world. Whether it is the family you are born into, or the family you go onto create. Family teaches you what it really means to love and care for another person, and what it feels like to be loved in return. Family shows you how to laugh, smile, be selfless. Family are the people who enjoy life's most beautiful, precious moments alongside you. Family teaches you about the world, and the tools you need to make your mark within it. Family is a place where you will always belong. Family is a place to grow, become a better person, and figure out who you want to be.

Sometimes when I'm with my family, I look at them and I think how amazing it is that out of all the millions and billions of people who have lived on this planet, past and present, we somehow managed to find each other amongst it all. We all managed to exist in the same time and space. And we decided to stick together throughout the duration of our lives. Be the constant in each other's ever changing world. To love one another. Care for one another. Be there for one another. It;s just incredible. Some things in this life never cease to amaze me, and this is one of them. 

And I know not so great things have happened to me, and they will continue to happen to me in future. After all, Ronan Keating wasn't lying when he said that life is a rollercoaster. But knowing that I have had the family I have. That I was lucky enough to grow up in this family, and that I have known all these wonderful, wonderful people. Knowing that the tapestry of who I am has my family woven into it, and that my heart will always be full of their love. Well, it just makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world, and for the rest of my life I will always be grateful for that peculiar alignment and twist of fate, that gave me my beautiful, mad, bonkers, hilarious, frustrating, gorgeous, gibing, loving family. 

A Magical Weekend in London

A MAGICAL WEEKEND IN LONDON

Last weekend I went down to London to visit my lil sis, who I hadn't seen since the start of September. We had never been apart from each other for that long, and despite the millions of Skype sessions, facebook messages and phone calls, we still missed each other like crazy. So when the semester ended, and we were both free, if only for a little while, we finally got round to seeing each other in person. And it might have taken me over two hours to get there, and I might not have recognised my sister at the train station, but none of it mattered because I finally got to see my sis.

What made it even nicer, was that my sister's best friend also came down from uni to join us, and it was lovely as she's practically the fifth member of our family. And together the three of us had a really wonderful weekend in one of the best cities in the world. It was so surreal actually staying in a house in London, as we're normally in a youth hostel or hotel, but it definitely made it that bit lovelier. When you're always merely a visitor, it's hard to imagine what it would be like to call London home. Walking the streets like they were our own, was a gem of a feeling. As was popping to the Sainsburys for food, catching the tube from the local tube station, and looking out of the window and seeing the London skyline on the horizon. 

During our stay, we managed to jam pack lots of lovely little things in. We visited Goodge Street, Soho Square, Foyle's book store and Charing Cross Road McDonalds for apple pie and tea. We had chicken tacos, duck spring rolls, cookies, doritos and wine for tea. We bought supplies from Sainsburys and walked down Hammersmith high street. We watched Love Actually whilst sat snuggled up in bed. We walked to LAMDA, where my sister studies, and we walked around Bermondsey and saw the Shard poking through the mist and the fog on the horizon. We discovered Shad Thames, and walked down the little streets and out onto the banks of the River Thames. 

We passed Tower Bridge and the Christmas Markets, nabbed free tasters from Wagamama, and crossed the river over to St Paul's Cathedral, stopping to eat mince pies along the way. We went up to the top of One New Change shopping centre and twirled around and took photos of each other and took in the late afternoon view. We had festive drinks at Starbucks, and got the district light railway to Greenwich, passing through the glittering lights, docks and skyscrapers of Canary Wharf, the sky a midnight purple. At Greenwich we walked through the peaceful park, lit only by shadows, and ran up the hill till we reached the observatory. From there the London skyline shone and dazzled before us. It was a sight unlike anything I've ever seen before. So magical and awe inspiring. I will never forget the moment I turned around and saw that beautiful view before me. We sat down for a while, to try and take in the moment, and when our fingers and toes succumbed to the December cold, we took the tube back home and had fish and chips whilst watching The Holiday till we fell asleep.

All of it, every last little bit, was so magical, and the perfect way to end the first semester of uni and see in the festive season. So I hope you enjoy some of the pictures I took, and I wish you all a very Merry, pigs-in-blanket filled Christmas.

http://www.visitlondon.com/

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WHAT WE GOT UP TO...

This Journey

THIS JOURNEY

When I was a teenager, I used to struggle with my self-esteem and confidence. I had difficulty accepting that I was good enough, and often sought validation in any shape or form. But it still never quite did the trick. Sometimes I would see my worth, my potential. A glimpse of it in passing. But I don't remember there ever being a time, in my early teenage years especially, when I would think about myself, and think that I was enough. I suspected I had the capability of becoming something more, but I never fully believed it could be true. 

Other people often took advantage of my weaknesses, and I let them. I didn't know how to stop them. The one tool I needed was confidence, and that was the very tool I was lacking. So I let myself be guided blindly and willingly, even though it made me feel lost, confused, alone, sad and angry at myself. Obviously my teenage years were also filled with so many wonderful, precious, happy, joyful memories too. But self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, were all the things that underpinned everything I did, thought, said. They were never too far away.

At the time, I didn't really feel like I was on a path to something greater. All I remember, was that slowly but surely things started to get better. And in time I have tried to pinpoint how I got to where I am now, for I am a product of all the experiences that I've been through. It's been important to me to plot this journey of mine, because I often find myself marvelling at how I evolved into the person that I am now. So many of the things I do now, I could barely dream of doing them, even a year ago. 

I think deep down, I always knew I had the potential to be the person I am now. I just don't think I envisioned how it would, could, should happen. Sometimes I wondered if it ever would. I think it all began with meeting the guy who set off my descent into my own personal rock bottom, because he taught me how vulnerable I had become, and how poorly I was looking after myself. And hitting that low gave me the strength and insight to pull myself back up again and carry on. 

The it was meeting a couple of other guys who helped me feel like I was enough, and whose light and friendship helped me to build up my confidence from nothing to something. They gave me hope. So much hope. And for that I will always be so very grateful. It was meeting new people from all walks of life, who saw me for who I was at the heart of everything, as well as the person I wanted to be, and they accepted that, and helped me grow into a better version of myself.

It was volunteering in all kinds of different ways, that ultimately made me feel like I had a reason, a purpose, a place where I belonged. It helped me to make peace with myself and love myself. It helped me to become more selfless, giving, caring, empathetic. It led me to some brilliant people who saw and see the world in the same way I do. It built up my confidence some more, and being able to help other people, and bring some happiness into their lives, gave me fulfilment unlike anything else I've ever known. In a way, I think it saved me, and it still continues to save me to this day. The simple act of helping another person, and being humane. 

Passing my A levels gave me faith in my academic abilities, and made me realise that I can be a mosaic of different skills and interests. And that is subsequently what helps make me unique. Discovering humour and sarcasm helped me to become less sensitive. It helped me learn how to laugh at myself. It led me to some amazing friends and helped me become closer to people. It allowed me the gift of making other people laugh and smile. It helped me to defend myself. It filled me with joy.

Learning to be more honest, open and loving strengthened my relationships with family and friends. Going to uni, volunteering away from home, joining societies, they all helped me become a people person, and discover my love for interaction. Now I'm a social butterfly- quite an achievement for someone who used to choose not to speak when she was little. I love listening to people, paying attention to what they say, and making them smile- it makes me feel so content.

Getting rejected helped me discover maturity, grace, dignity. Receiving love from somebody I never dreamed could love me, the sweetest soul you could ever hope to meet, has given me a whole new perspective of love, and what it means to me. And being on my own all this time has made me so independent, fierce, whole, assured, resilient. I know how to be so truly happy and content and my own, free of anybody else, and it has taught me how to love somebody else too. 

My second year placement taught me all the things I needed to work on, and my third placement was where I put all the things I'd learnt into practice. And it changed everything for me. My academic skills, practical skills, people skills, my confidence, they've all skyrocketed, and I often feel like I've found the very place where I'm meant to be. It's a wonderful feeling. Placement has been a safe space to learn, grow, laugh, and truly find my footing, as well as an opportunity to step back and realise just how far I've come.

I can't even being to express how amazed, overwhelmed, and proud I am at the progress I've made these last few years of my life. I feel like the same person, but shinier, sparklier, happier, more fulfilled. This journey has been marvellous, incredible, frustrating, hard, and the fact I've made it through all the ups and downs to get to this point, makes me feel very emotional. (In a good way.) 

All these things, all these many, many things, far too many count. Far too many to mention. It makes me sure that everything happens for a reason. It also makes me believe that we are the instigators of our own destinies, and that we hold the capability for change in the palms of our hands every single day of our magical, incredible, roundabout lives. Most days now, I wake up feeling so grateful for everything that has happened to me. All the bad and all the good. Even though I still get served my fair slice of life's worse moments, and I still have my shitty days, overall, life is grand. Life is a joy. And everyday I try to put some good back into the world around me, even if it's just a smile, a conversation with a stranger, cleaning the house so that someone else doesn't have to do it, calling someone up to see how there day has been. I just hope it makes someone else a little happier, a little brighter, a little more content.

As for me, well this journey is one that I continue to pursue. There are still things to do better, things I need to work on, avenues I want to explore. But for now, I love the view from where I'm stood. I love my life. And it's a comforting thought to realise that actually, I must be doing something right.

btw. sorry for all the long rambly super cheesy posts lately. My inner rambler appears to have taken control.

Living In Hope

LIVING IN HOPE

The older I get, the more convinced I am that I'm living my days in this strange sense of hope. The hope that tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, next decade, things will be better. Things will be different. That dream existence will be a reality. There will be a time when every single variable in my life will be aligned like the stars in the sky, in perfect harmony. In life, it feels like we're always striving for something more. And defining that 'more' is something we can't put our finger on. It's ambiguous. It's elusive. It's magical and mystical, and maybe that's part of its allure.

Today is okay. Today isn't perfect. Today is just another day. Today is another moment of a life. A snapshot of a period in time. Another morning that you woke up. Another sunrise. Another twenty four hours to fill. And living your days becomes a routine. Waking up is like clocking in, stating your presence in this lifetime. Hello world, I made it through the night and I'm ready to live another day. And all our days blend into one another without much significance. Time blurs and warps and it speeds by like a beam of light. Sometimes it's hard to spot the endings and beginnings.

It continually feels like life is speeding up, faster and faster, and you sense a destination, a conclusion, a reason, but you can never see it. The things we look forward to come and go. We thought they were the moments of significance, but they too pass by in the blink of an eye. And if they aren't the destination, then where is? 

Every year of my life, I've believed that next week, next month, next year has the answers. That's when that feeling of expectancy eternally rising in my chest will meet its maker. Things will happen. The pieces of the puzzle will slot together. Things will make sense. I'll find my way. The things I'm waiting for will find me. The magic I'm looking for will stumble across my path. The answers to my questions will appear before me. One day, I will do the things I always said I would. One day I will be braver. Better. Stronger. Wiser. One day I'll learn from my mistakes. One day, I will have things figured out. One day, I will know what I am doing. One day. But today never seems to be that day.

It makes me wonder if this is what being an adult is like. If this is what life turns into, once you leave childhood behind. The magic and wonder of the world is harder to find. You have to look closer, harder, examine every detail, or sometimes create that magic and reason for yourself. Your life becomes this strange existence where the present moment feels more like a way of filling the hours between two existential points in time. You're always wondering what the purpose of it all is. The best days of your life always come to an end, and it's always too soon. And you wake up the next morning hoping that somewhere in your collection of days, another moment of wonder and happiness is waiting to be discovered. 

And in the mean time, life goes on. We are weary, hopeful travellers heading forth without a map. And when we sense our path is right, we feel full of purpose, reason, content, happiness, and that glorious feeling of being anchored right where you were always meant to be. And when we sense our path is wrong, or something happens to trip us up, something unexpected and unforeseen, we feel the fear, the uncertainty, the hesitancy, the worry that we think we know everything, but we don't really know anything at all.

And maybe we're so focused on the future, that we forget to see and appreciate the here and now. Today. The days when we wake up, and our loved ones are still here. Our friends are a phone call away. We have a job. A reason to wake up in the morning. A roof over our heads. Health. Security. Food. Water. We're alive. Today is ours. Even though we know that life is precious, and rare, and the mere fact our existence is possible is mind blowing in itself, we still forget. We still overlook these days like they're nothing of importance. We still put things off till another time, another place, comes around. We feel our existence is so deserved, so right, so infinite, that it could surely never come to an end. We've never known anything except what it is like to be alive, and living in this strange old world. We forget how lucky we are to be here. To have this chance at life.

When the world is racing like the speed of light, and we get carried away with it, our feet barely touch the ground. We're continually running a race that will only truly end in a flash, bang, explosion, as the life is extinguished out of us, and we move onto whatever comes after this existence. But by then it's too late. Too late to turn back time and relive the days of your life again. Too late to experience the wonder, glory and happiness of the best days. Too late to revel in the beautiful mediocrity of the average days spent doing the mundane things that keep you afloat, stop you sinking under. The ones you let slip endlessly and infinitely through your fingers without a second glance, without realising that some of the best moments of your life, of this world, were contained somewhere within them.

We're always wishing for something better. For something more. For a future that is somehow more superior to the present we're experiencing now. We believe in that change. That progression. It's so instrumental to our existence and fundamental to our being. I think as humans we're programmed to be like this. It's how we built this world up into something more than it already was. And that's great. The only problem with that way of thinking though, is that you waste your life away. You let precious, wonderful, beautiful things pass you by. You forget to appreciate the very fact that you're even here on this earth to begin with. And hope is so lovely. The way it makes you feel is so addictive, so ethereal, so pleasing. But sometimes I think we need to take a moment to pause. Take a moment to breathe. Take a second to stop and look around you, and realise that the here and now isn't so bad after all. Life isn't so bad. Today is a new day. Today is another chance. Today is just as wonderful as yesterday, and tomorrow, and all the days before and all the days to come. There's something special embedded in every day. Why not start making it your mission to find it?

Trust Yourself

TRUST YOURSELF

Today was a nice day, because it was the day I realised that actually, an awful lot has changed in the last year, and all those changes, amazingly enough, have been for the better. And I am so happy with where I am right now in my life. For the last few months or so, I've had a feeling that something different, something good, has happened. The fundamental core of who I am has had a bit of a tweak and twiddle and a shake and a shimmy. It hasn't been a major change, just a shift, but it has been enough to set the ball rolling, and that is so very, very wonderful.

The thing that made me realise that this change had happened, was my mid-placement review. As you may or may not know, I am currently on a 6 week placement as part of my course, and I'm up in East Lancashire working with adults who have had a stroke. Before I started this placement, I was absolutely dreading it. And it had nothing to do with the place or the client group. It was to do with me. For some reason, the very existence of this placement set off a whole load of worries and demons from somewhere deep inside me, and my anxiety went completely and utterly off its rocker.

I would wake up in the morning with a knot in my stomach and millions of hypothetical thoughts racing through my head. I would go to bed thinking of the many ways that my placement could go wrong. I'd get stressy at uni, feeling that panic rising in my chest and the thoughts clouding my mind, and I never told anyone. I'd just try and act normal, pretend like it wasn't there. I was petrified off messing up, letting myself down, letting my insecurities stop me from succeeding, not proving myself, not being good enough, doing everything wrong, making the same mistakes all over again. There were numerous times when I called my Mum to ask her questions, and I'd end up having a mini meltdown on the phone. It was horrible. I hated what I was doing to myself. How I was allowing my fears and insecurities to have that much of an influence on me and my life.

And it's funny because none of it was grounded in truth whatsoever. I knew in theory that I could do this placement, and I could do it well. I knew in my mind all the many things that had changed since this time last year. I knew I could stop the same mistakes happening again. I just had an awful lot of difficulty believing these things. Of trusting in myself. And that made me feel really sad, because I don't want to be my own worst enemy, my harshest critic. 

Fast forward a few weeks though, and things are very different. Isn't it funny how that's always the case? I knew as soon as I spoke to my first Clinical Educator that things were going to be different this time around. And it was all down to the way I communicated with her. There was a confidence. There was a warmth and friendliness. There was a strong sense of good intention. There was an ease and self-assuredness. There was politeness and professionalism. There was a calmness, a measured quality, a maturity. All these things that weren't there even six months ago. Evident and growing, yes, but all these individual qualities hadn't linked together to form the bigger picture, until now. It's like they've all joined up to make this big constellation, twinkling away in the sky for all to see.

And it's because of all those changes, that things on placement are going well. Really well, much to my complete surprise. Over the last few weeks I've been getting really positive feedback, but I didn't fully believe it until today, when my Clinical Educator and I sat down to discuss my progress. I was half expecting her to say, mate, we know you're trying and obviously we love the weekly update about what takeaway you had at the B&B last night, but babe you're just not cutting it. It's all going, well, a bit tits up I'm afraid. That's what I was expecting, albeit not in those words obviously. And that kind of vibe, the 'I'm afraid you're just not quite good enough', is what I'm always expecting to an extent. So it was somewhat strange to hear the complete opposite. My Clinical Educator told me that both her and my other Clinical Educator knew I was competent by my third day of placement. And as for my interpersonal skills, they were excellent with two exclamation marks. And I was like, woah, hold up, have I spontaneously gone blind or did you just put two exclamation marks there? I just could not believe it.

Numerous times over the last few weeks I've brushed over how scared I was before this placement, how hard I found last placement, and how part of me has been expecting to fail. But all those things were only the tip of the iceberg. And even that little bit of insight surprised my Clinical Educator. She couldn't believe that this was what was going on inside of me. And I guess with the way I act now, maybe you wouldn't. But instead of that being because I hide my insecurities, fears and flaws so well, I think that now, it's more to do with the fact that I'm a lot better than I ever give myself credit for. And maybe it's time I started tuning into that. I know how difficult this journey has been for me. To constantly try and fight to move forwards, and break the thought processes I established far too soon in life. So maybe it's time to start trusting myself. To celebrate my successes and allow myself to accept that I am good enough. I'm doing alright. I deserve to be proud.

It's no secret at all that my self-esteem is like that unreliable friend that bails on you whenever you thought you could count on them most. Since the age of five, it's been flaking out on me whenever it feels like it, and throwing a spanner in the works when I could really do without one. To overcome these limitations I subconsciously place upon myself, has been one heck of a meaty battle. I think I've almost come to accept that this is just the way I am, and there will always be days when I lose the battle. And that's okay. These things will happen. The most important thing is that I've always kept fighting on. I keep getting up on my feet and trying again. I fight harder. Stronger. Better. And I keep striving to take myself forwards. Pushing myself towards a happier place.

Yesterday was the moment that I fully, truly realised just how far I've come. The moment when I realised that all these positive changes have been down to me, and me alone. All the hard work, the falls, the mistakes, the pushing myself out my comfort zone, the striving to try again, to be better, to carry on. How, if I hadn't done any of those changes, then I would be half the person I am now. How my determination to become a better person, become the person I have always wanted to be, is the thing that has lead me to this place. A place where I can look in the mirror and be happy and accepting of what I see. Where I can talk to absolutely anyone and everyone, and make them smile, laugh, feel good. Where I am so at peace and one with who I am as a person. Where I can put things into perspective. Truly appreciate all the things I am so very lucky to have in my life. See the positive side of things. Be kind to myself, and encourage and believe in my potential. Work hard, and put my energies in the right places. Seek and take constructive criticism and the not so great things in lif with maturity and dignity. Be more open about my feelings and emotions. Treat others how I would like to be treated. See and feel the joy in the world. Accept and laugh about my flaws, because they make me who I am.

There's so many things. So many, many things. And I guess what I want to say most of all, is that I'm proud of myself. I am so fookin', crazy, insanely, mega proud. And I just thought you should know.

Something Like Magic

SOMETHING LIKE MAGIC

'Maybe you're like me. Maybe you were waiting in the same way I was. For that person. That light. That meaning. That reason. Wondering around and living your life, all the while taking glances over your shoulder to see if it was on the horizon. Creeping up behind you. Right there by your side. When will it come? Will it ever come? Many an hour wasted with these roundabout questions reverberating tirelessly through your mind like a record on repeat.

The solitude stops being something to fear. Something to hide. And instead becomes a friend. It's familiar, and it's comforting in many ways. You start to expect it, accept it, plan your life with it factored into the equation. And you don't mind because you can feel that it's making you stronger. Making you better. I always knew that when I loved, I wanted to love the person for whom my love was always intended. It wasn't meant for just anybody. It never was. I often wondered when, where, how I would find my love. Would I ever find it. Life works in mysterious ways, and try as I may, I always feel like I'm one step behind.

When I thought about my person, I didn't know who they would be. It felt a little bit like trying to look ahead when there's a fog on the horizon, and the rain is lashing down. You know there's something more. You can feel it. Sense it. Anticipate it. But for now it remains shrouded in mystery, and you must wait instead for the fog to blow away on the breeze, and the showers of rain to evaporate.

So maybe you were stood at one end of the road, and I at the other. And neither of us knew it. Maybe you were content and happy, but a little bit restless and impatient at the same time. Maybe you were ready to stop being alone, and leave the solitude behind you. Ready to let someone in. Strong enough to carry the weight and responsibility of love on your shoulders, in your heart, in your soul. Maybe, just maybe, we were feeling the same way all along. Wanting to be hopeful yet unable to turn a blind eye to the nagging feeling that there has to be something more than this.

If they say our hearts were split in two, so that part of our time on this Earth was spent locating the pieces of us that are missing, then why have we not found each other yet? Why are we still looking? All these questions, and no answers. Until one ordinary day we meet. And we look at each other as if to say hello. Something about you is familiar. Something about you is right. Something about you makes me hope you'll stick around for a while longer. 

I look at you, and it inexplicably makes sense. I've stumbled across what could quite possibly be one of the greatest discoveries of my life, and I never saw it coming. And if you had asked me if this was what I was expecting, in many ways I would say no, for how could the answer be you, lovely you. How could I have looked out across the dance floor, and have your eyes be the ones looking back at me? Yet simultaneously, I would say yes, because this is how I always hoped to feel. You are the person I always hoped to find. Both realities co-exist with one another, side by side.

And you're older. Wiser. You have lines on your face when you smile that cosmic smile. But all those things, they're so endearing to me. And I feel like we meet somewhere in the middle, and that's a nice place to meet, for it means we both stand on equal ground. Our union would be meaningful and fair. There's so much you could teach me. There's so much that I could teach you. Sometimes I think we use logic and algorithms to seek out love, but experience has so far taught me that love doesn't seem to work like that. It hides and manifests itself where you least expect it to be.

Love doesn't want to be defined by anything else, other than the power it yields when two souls find one another in the scope of this world, and together they become one. I don't know if your past if full of almost but not quite's, but I know mine is. And I know when you stood on that road, you didn't expect to find me waiting on the other side. You probably never saw me coming, in the same way that I never saw you. And maybe I could have been born sooner. My parents waited six years. But the time spent waiting made my very existence possible, and it allowed me to become shaped into the person I am now. A person who could find you, love you, make you happy, bring something unique into your life.

My youth may be apparent, but it's doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make my mind less sharper. My experiences less meaningful. My opinions and views less informed. There's so much more to me than the number of years I have lived on this planet, and the same goes to you too. I believe that life works in strange and wonderful ways, and in this lifetime, I like to think we were meant to find one another. The stars aligned so that our crossing could happen. The fates have a greater plan. They always do. And so right now, I'm trying to become the person I'm meant to be. For myself. For you. For this world. I'm weaving together the pieces of myself until I find the right pattern.

I know you've been waiting longer than I have, but I promise you, this is worth the wait. The best things in life always are. For a reaction to happen, a rainbow of factors need to fall into place and at just the right time. And I feel like our time is coming. I am coming for you. I hope you are coming for me too. Life is helping me to become the woman you always dreamed of. As for you, I already know. I knew it as soon as I first saw you. I see it now, still, when I look at you. A man who lights up the world and makes it a better place. Who fills the lives of others with joy and meaning and goodness. How fitting that he should be born on the day the night shines aglow with light and colour and warmth and magic.

So until our day comes, what more can I do except ask you to wait for me, in the same way that I am waiting for you. To please stay. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. To believe in the possibility and know that there is someone out there who is waiting to love you, and make you feel so happy and valued and content. I will find you. Or maybe even you will find me. The fog is evaporating, the wind is blowing, and the light is shining. With every foot step we close the distance, until one day we will stand side by side, hand in hand, a heart of one with intertwined souls, forever more.'

Just So You Know: A Letter

JUST SO YOU KNOW...

Dear x

I'm sorry things ended the way they did. With you walking away and me standing there, letting you. I still think it never should have ended like that, but we were who we were back then. We couldn't help ourselves. I might be a different person now, someone I like to think would do things a little differently, but that still doesn't change the person I used to be. The decisions I made. The actions I took. The words I said. But it's weird because the thing I'm most sorry about, is the way I acted after it all came to an end. I'm not saying I regret what I did, because what's done is done and even though I handled it poorly, what I gained from doing all those things has made me a better person. Of that I am sure.

I'm just sorry that I did things the way I did. I realise now that you wanted to be left alone. That you didn't miss me like I missed you. That I was a person who was only supposed to exist in one phase of your life, and none of the others to follow. That we aren't the same people. We don't think or feel or act in the same way. The way I felt about things didn't mean that you felt the same way too. It was selfish of me to assume that the feeling was mutual. You have your own heart and mind. You're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. I had no currency on that. I never did. 

To carve a road into your life after a year had passed, wasn't the right thing to do. I realise that now. All the time leading up to that moment, I had missed you so much more than I ever expected I would. It was hard to cope with the feeling of loss, and find ways to move on from it and leave it behind. It was hard to accept the way things ended, and accept that I would probably never see you again. I got it into my head that some awful mistake had been made, and no-one was putting it right. So I took it into my own hands. I tried to right the wrong, even though it wasn't necessarily my place to do so. It didn't occur to me at the time that maybe things were supposed to end the way they did. Maybe we were only ever supposed to exist in each other's lives for a short period of time. Maybe we weren't the right people. Maybe we were meant to help each other get to a better place and then go our separate ways.

All these things occurred to me too late. I was young and inexperienced and reckless and too optimistic. I think too much and I don't think logically, nor do I listen to my heart and my feelings. Reaching out to you in the way I did, it was the only way I knew how. And at first it was okay. At first it felt like I had done the right thing. But you probably know as well as I do, that I was way too out of my depth. I launched myself into an ocean that I didn't know how to swim in. A galaxy I didn't know how to navigate. A never-ending forest I didn't know how to walk in. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn't. I hadn't thought things through. I acted so impulsively, and I mixed up all my feelings and memories and desires until I couldn't tell one from the other. It all became so messy.

I don't really know how I expected you to react. I guess a part of me wanted it to become one big happily ever after with the click of a finger. But life doesn't work like that. It hardly ever does. I don't know how I expected you to act in any other way, than the way you did. I would be surprised too. I would be confused. I would be sceptical. I would be unsure what was happening. I would be well meaning but guarded and tentative. I wouldn't see it as a priority, or a massive life changing event. I would be slightly concerned if someone started sending me pictures of Draco Malfoy on a bloody alpaca, of all things. I get that now. I just wish I'd understood it then.

But again, that's not how life works. We have to make our mistakes before we can learn from them. And it can take many years before we can truly understand them. So I wanted to write this to you, in the off chance you might read this, to tell you that I realise now. I understand now. I've learnt from everything I did wrong. I already do things differently. And I'm sorry for everything I did back then. I'm sorry that I ruined what little survived of us and blew it to pieces. I'm sorry that I changed your perception of me. I'm sorry that I put you in that position. I'm sorry that I pushed you even further away. I'm sorry that we ended up here, in this strange old place. I want you to know all these things for your own peace of mind. Nothing more.

The way I acted back then was fuelled by loving you, caring about you, missing you, missing your friendship, missing that time in our lives. All those weird things I did, they came from a good place. A really good, well meaning, honest place. But I guess when you place power in the hands of the heart, you can never trust what's going to happen. Things will change for the better. Things will change for the worse. Whatever the outcome, change, for better of for worse, is always the one you can count on. And that time round, I made things worse. And for that I will always be sorry, because it's the last thing I ever wanted to happen.

I don't know what you're doing now. I don't know what you look like. What you sound like. How you are. Where you are. If life is treating you kind. If you're happy with the way everything turned out for you. If you're surrounded by good people who love and care about you. I know it isn't my place to be concerned about these things. I know I have no say in these things. I shouldn't even care. It's none of my business. Why someone you used to know some time ago now, should be thinking about these things from time to time, doesn't make sense. It shouldn't happen. I assume you would rather I didn't care, and that I just left you alone for good. Maybe I would want the same thing too. The distance. The freedom. The divide between your life and mine.

But you must understand that the only reason I still care, the only reason I still miss you, and hope you're so well and happy and content, is because you were such an important person to me. At that one time in our lives, where you and I existed in the same time, the same place, you changed everything for me. It was nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was just knowing you. Having you there. Meeting you gave me a confidence in myself and my life and fate and people. You gave me hope. You made me realise that there are some really good people out there. That every now and then, when you're losing hope and belief and worth in yourself, life will give you a little miracle. A little ray of light. And it will brighten everything. It will make your life better. It will make you better. 

You were my miracle. I never saw you coming. I never thought I needed to know someone like you. I never even thought someone like you could be out there. You didn't realise, but you came right when I needed you most. You catalysed something within me, so that I would never be the same person again. Instead I would become someone better. Your friendship was a gift. A priceless gift. I still benefit from it now. It still makes my life better too. Words will never be able to explain what you did for me, just by being you and being there when I needed someone the most. And I guess because the impact you made on my life was so big, I assumed you'd stick around. I assumed I might hopefully be making your life a little bit better too. I assumed that things would never change. This special person in my life would never disappear or leave. It wouldn't make any sense.

But you left. I left. We parted ways. We moved on. We let our lives take us away from one another. We became different people. And I struggled with that transition for longer than I expected to. You're a different person to me, even though something fundamental about us is the same, and I think you handled things so much better, so differently. Life had shaped you into a different person to me. And that's okay. And then I did what I did, put a dampener on things, and that's when our lives completely separated for good. You went left. I went right. All ties were cut. And I have come to accept that and make peace with that. I respect your decision. I just want you to know how thankful and grateful I am for your presence in my life. I want you to know that you did something right. That you changed the world in a little way. That you made a difference. That someone out there is glad you exist, grateful they met you, is a better person because they knew you. Isn't that all we can ever hope for in this life?

All I can do now is wish you well. Wish you a lifetime of happiness. Wish you achieve everything you ever wanted to and so much more. Wish you are always surrounded by good people, and that you yourself continue to believe in the goodness you possess. It's always there. As for me, well I'm happy now. Really happy. I've come a long way in the last few years, and I like where I have found myself. My life isn't perfect, but in my eyes it is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I'm so content and proud and every day I try to make myself a better person than I was the day before. I still think of you from time to time. I can't help myself. But not as often, and not in the same way I either. I just want you to be happy. That's all. Certain things make me think of you, and I will wonder. I will dream. I will think. But then I remember where I am now, and I know that those places my thoughts carry me are just in my imagination. And maybe one day, I will know those places, those moments. They will happen. Or maybe they wont. And that's okay. I've made my peace. Everything is alright. And I just thought you should know.

Wishing you all the best

xxx

Where Have I Been

WHERE HAVE I BEEN

Hello dear readers, I hope you're all well and happy and good. It feels like ages since I've done some blogging. Up until the post I did the other day, I just didn't have time to sit down and write a post, let alone think of what to write. All my inspiration melted away somewhere, and instead uni became the juggernaut express, trailblazing at the speed of light with the weeks flying by. There was reading to be done, assignments to write, studies to critically appraise. There was all the extracurricular stuff that needed doing too, and the fun things that make me so happy and fulfilled. Life has felt like a whirlwind the last few weeks. Lots of ups and downs. Iffy moments and really amazing moments. A lot of special things have happened that I will never forget, as has there been the daily slog, where I'm just trying to get through things day by day and stay on top of everything. I guess you could say it's typical life. Life in it's truest form. Where things are never simple, and so much is going on, and it feels like the party never really stops. We just keep dancing down the street day in day out. 

So as part explanation, and whilst I have the time in between end of uni work and start of my upcoming 6 week placement, I thought I'd do a quick post listing some of the things I've been up to recently. Kind of like a heads up, and also so you can rest easy knowing that I haven't been abducted by aliens and am now living a groovy life in Jupiter, speaking gobbledegook. Life hasn't been the most interesting, but it's been brilliant none the less, and I feel like an awful lot has changed in the last few weeks alone. I'm feel stronger, more excited for the future, focused, knowledgeable, loved, appreciative of the amazing people I'm lucky to have in my life, content, happy, confident, and I know that times may be bonkers and crazy right now, but that's life. And I'm okay with that. I wouldn't have it any other way.

-Also on a side note, my blog recently made 40,000 views, so I'd like to say thank you x a million trillion gazillion to every single one of you who has ever popped by to say hello & take a nosey. It means more than I could ever express <3 -

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-Seeing my brilliant, amazing, lovely mum and dad

-Going to Wetherspoons too much

-Drinking G&T (waheeey classy girl)

-Playing korfball matches and spending too much time getting red and sweaty and chatting to opposite team, instead of scoring any goals

-Buying too many clothes in Primark

-Going on the most amazing bar crawl with most amazing people and dancing all night long 

-Doing more dancing, because it is the best

-Walking home in the pouring rain at 3am in the morning with a random guy called Amin and discussing the prices of Tesco vs. Lidl

-PYJAMA DAYS

-Drinking obscene amounts of lemon & ginger tea

-Eating too much peanut butter on toast (the babe of all babes)

-Learning how to play the drum I impulsively bought a few weeks ago

-Singing McFly songs in the shower

-Trying to ward off the mice in our house with cotton wool pads dipped in mint mouthwash (didn't work, cue pest control)

-Baking cakey things that look like turds

-BAKE OFF!!!!!

-Watching Girl On The Train in the cinema (very creepy)

-Wearing my new coat which I love love love, but have since realised isn't waterproof (not great when you live in one of the rainiest cities in England)

-Talking to my sister on the phone most days

-Speaking to someone I haven't spoken to in quite a while and making peace with the past

-Watching the brilliant Honne perform at Gorilla (SO GOOD!!!!)

-Painting pumpkin faces onto paper plates

-Leaving glitter trails wherever I go

-Making Halloween decorations

-Throwing a party for old people in our uni bar (so lovely!) and talking to them all
-Making a 4 hour long playlist full of amazing golden oldies 

-Learning more songs on my guitar

-Doing so. much. uni work

-Critically appraising research papers (ooooh fun)

-Getting hooked on Tim Burton films

-Stressing out about placement and having a lil meltdown, as always happens, but feeling pretty excited about it now!! :) 

-Trying to get better at time management

-Making people laugh 

-Making new friends (wOooOoOOOooOOo)

-Watching Angus Thongs & Perfect Snogging and cringing/ laughing my head off/ wishing I could go back to secondary school again when the biggest problems were 'does he fancy me' and 'how should I do my hair this morning' and 'why is this gigantanormous zit not shrinking'

-Having my oldest friend come up and stay with me

-Drinking cocktails and eating late night maccys

-Going up to Cloud 23 for a nice view of Manchester in all its glory

-Preparing to volunteer at LGBT, helping transgender people to find their true voice

-Gilmore Girls Gilmore Girls Gilmore Girls, always

-Trying to read my Bruce Springsteen book

-Painting glass bottles 

-Making lots and lots of lists so that I don't forget things

-Feeling the feels

-Dinner night with some of my old housemates, eating thai green curry and profiteroles and laughing at my friend's mad driving skills

-Speaking of driving, it's officially been one whole year since I passed, and in that time I have driven two times (clearly making good use of all those driving lessons then)

-Enjoying autumn (the best season)
-Doing a bit of role play, as part of my course (you'll be seeing me at the BAFTAs next year)

-Taking Neil the sloth around Manchester with my friend from home & listening to lots of good music

-Planning a christmas party for the lovely old people

-Fangirling when one of the strictest lectures on my course called me Tash 

-Joking around with my friend on the walk to uni and laughing about the silliest of things

-Trying to make cheese sauce that is actually a sauce and not a big gooey blob that envelopes all the other food on the plate (why is it so hard????)
-Reading lots of R.M. Drake poetry

-Accidentally using the male toilets and convincing any guys that came in that they were in the wrong toilet, not me

-Trying to spot Manchester amongst all the roadworks 

-Feeling very happy to be alive, even if life is mad

-LISTENING TO CHRISTMAS SONGS!!!! TIS THE SEASON!!