This Journey

THIS JOURNEY

When I was a teenager, I used to struggle with my self-esteem and confidence. I had difficulty accepting that I was good enough, and often sought validation in any shape or form. But it still never quite did the trick. Sometimes I would see my worth, my potential. A glimpse of it in passing. But I don't remember there ever being a time, in my early teenage years especially, when I would think about myself, and think that I was enough. I suspected I had the capability of becoming something more, but I never fully believed it could be true. 

Other people often took advantage of my weaknesses, and I let them. I didn't know how to stop them. The one tool I needed was confidence, and that was the very tool I was lacking. So I let myself be guided blindly and willingly, even though it made me feel lost, confused, alone, sad and angry at myself. Obviously my teenage years were also filled with so many wonderful, precious, happy, joyful memories too. But self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, were all the things that underpinned everything I did, thought, said. They were never too far away.

At the time, I didn't really feel like I was on a path to something greater. All I remember, was that slowly but surely things started to get better. And in time I have tried to pinpoint how I got to where I am now, for I am a product of all the experiences that I've been through. It's been important to me to plot this journey of mine, because I often find myself marvelling at how I evolved into the person that I am now. So many of the things I do now, I could barely dream of doing them, even a year ago. 

I think deep down, I always knew I had the potential to be the person I am now. I just don't think I envisioned how it would, could, should happen. Sometimes I wondered if it ever would. I think it all began with meeting the guy who set off my descent into my own personal rock bottom, because he taught me how vulnerable I had become, and how poorly I was looking after myself. And hitting that low gave me the strength and insight to pull myself back up again and carry on. 

The it was meeting a couple of other guys who helped me feel like I was enough, and whose light and friendship helped me to build up my confidence from nothing to something. They gave me hope. So much hope. And for that I will always be so very grateful. It was meeting new people from all walks of life, who saw me for who I was at the heart of everything, as well as the person I wanted to be, and they accepted that, and helped me grow into a better version of myself.

It was volunteering in all kinds of different ways, that ultimately made me feel like I had a reason, a purpose, a place where I belonged. It helped me to make peace with myself and love myself. It helped me to become more selfless, giving, caring, empathetic. It led me to some brilliant people who saw and see the world in the same way I do. It built up my confidence some more, and being able to help other people, and bring some happiness into their lives, gave me fulfilment unlike anything else I've ever known. In a way, I think it saved me, and it still continues to save me to this day. The simple act of helping another person, and being humane. 

Passing my A levels gave me faith in my academic abilities, and made me realise that I can be a mosaic of different skills and interests. And that is subsequently what helps make me unique. Discovering humour and sarcasm helped me to become less sensitive. It helped me learn how to laugh at myself. It led me to some amazing friends and helped me become closer to people. It allowed me the gift of making other people laugh and smile. It helped me to defend myself. It filled me with joy.

Learning to be more honest, open and loving strengthened my relationships with family and friends. Going to uni, volunteering away from home, joining societies, they all helped me become a people person, and discover my love for interaction. Now I'm a social butterfly- quite an achievement for someone who used to choose not to speak when she was little. I love listening to people, paying attention to what they say, and making them smile- it makes me feel so content.

Getting rejected helped me discover maturity, grace, dignity. Receiving love from somebody I never dreamed could love me, the sweetest soul you could ever hope to meet, has given me a whole new perspective of love, and what it means to me. And being on my own all this time has made me so independent, fierce, whole, assured, resilient. I know how to be so truly happy and content and my own, free of anybody else, and it has taught me how to love somebody else too. 

My second year placement taught me all the things I needed to work on, and my third placement was where I put all the things I'd learnt into practice. And it changed everything for me. My academic skills, practical skills, people skills, my confidence, they've all skyrocketed, and I often feel like I've found the very place where I'm meant to be. It's a wonderful feeling. Placement has been a safe space to learn, grow, laugh, and truly find my footing, as well as an opportunity to step back and realise just how far I've come.

I can't even being to express how amazed, overwhelmed, and proud I am at the progress I've made these last few years of my life. I feel like the same person, but shinier, sparklier, happier, more fulfilled. This journey has been marvellous, incredible, frustrating, hard, and the fact I've made it through all the ups and downs to get to this point, makes me feel very emotional. (In a good way.) 

All these things, all these many, many things, far too many count. Far too many to mention. It makes me sure that everything happens for a reason. It also makes me believe that we are the instigators of our own destinies, and that we hold the capability for change in the palms of our hands every single day of our magical, incredible, roundabout lives. Most days now, I wake up feeling so grateful for everything that has happened to me. All the bad and all the good. Even though I still get served my fair slice of life's worse moments, and I still have my shitty days, overall, life is grand. Life is a joy. And everyday I try to put some good back into the world around me, even if it's just a smile, a conversation with a stranger, cleaning the house so that someone else doesn't have to do it, calling someone up to see how there day has been. I just hope it makes someone else a little happier, a little brighter, a little more content.

As for me, well this journey is one that I continue to pursue. There are still things to do better, things I need to work on, avenues I want to explore. But for now, I love the view from where I'm stood. I love my life. And it's a comforting thought to realise that actually, I must be doing something right.

btw. sorry for all the long rambly super cheesy posts lately. My inner rambler appears to have taken control.