Musings About Love

MUSINGS ABOUT LOVE

I've always been quite an analytical person. I overthink things a lot, I struggle to let things settle, I sometimes draw the wrong conclusions. I want to know and understand why, I'm always looking for explanations, reasons, answers, I always try to make sense of things. I think everything through many times over, and for the last eight years or so I've been trying to discover just who I am as a person. It's the biggest mystery of all and because I'm someone who can't let things just be, I always find the need to keep digging, keep thinking, keep analysing, keep persevering, and every time I think I've worked it out, I seem to change and evolve again. Who I am is constantly changing, in smaller ways now though, so I in turn am always one step behind trying to work it all out. I find it impossible to feel myself changing and let that be. I have this compulsive need to understand why I've changed, what's changed, what does that mean for me in the future, what kind of person have I become now, how does that impact these different aspects of my life. It's both simultaneously fascinating and oh so tiring. And because I'm that kind of person, when it comes to love and my feelings it means that I not only tend to get myself in a right old pickle overthinking everything, but it also means as soon as I hit adolescence I was already starting to draw up conclusions on who I now was and what I thought I wanted or needed when it came to love. I was already analysing these new emotions I was feeling. I couldn't resist. 

Because I am the way I am, unlike a lot of other people, love wasn't this world of possibility just waiting for me to dive straight into and have fun trying to figure it all out. It was exciting and new, yes, but I just couldn't quite let myself go like everyone else seemingly could. The way I felt inside, what was important to me, couldn't be compromised. I already had ideas about the kind of person I wanted to find, the kind of love I was hoping to experience, what I thought I needed, so I found it impossible to fall for just anyone. Nothing happened just for the sake of it. And because I'm also a highly optimistic and hopeful person, I've consistently believed that what I'm looking for and who I'm looking for must exist out there somewhere. Occasionally I could be swayed but ultimately I refrained. So instead of jumping in I was stood on the sidelines, a la Charlie in Perks of Being A Wallflower I suppose, testing out my feelings from afar and doing my learning the textbook way, instead of diving in and experiencing everything for myself. I had many crushes, each of which had fragments of what I was looking for, but they came and went like the wind. Something was always not quite right, I always found a reason to say no, plus my self esteem and confidence were always a bit hit and miss, so I just didn't have the courage within me to even try and follow my heart.

I think things began to change for me when I met someone a few years ago who at first I never dreamed could be the person I was looking for. He wasn't a guy I would ever have considered. However upon getting to know him I realised my original assumptions had been very, very wrong, and he was in fact the closest thing I'd ever found to those virtues I'd stood by all those years. It amazed me at the time and still continues to do so now. Meeting him gave me hope that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did, believing what I did, as what and who I was looking for did exist somewhere. It also made me realise that I couldn't keep holding myself back anymore. Finding reasons to say no. I needed to stop being so uptight, stop being so afraid, stop being such a control freak, and give people a chance. Stop pushing people away out of fear. Trust life. Love is normally found hiding where you least expect it after all. And meeting this guy was also one of the first times in my life when instead of watching from the sidelines, feeling these feelings, learning things but doing nothing, I was forced to get out on that dancefloor and actually do something. Everything that guy ever taught me, which was a hell of a lot, I learnt because I was there experiencing it all for myself. Doing it all for myself. It was all so different to anything I had ever known, and surprise surprise, after all those years of holding back for far too long, diving right in after years of feeling unable to meant I finally gave myself the chance to do some much needed growing. Taking a chance and diving into the unknown, learning to ride the waves as they came instead of sitting complacently on the shore, is one of the best things I've ever done.

That small development in my life, meeting this one person, lead me to new territories I'd never given myself chance to experience before, and surpassing those self imposed restrictions took me to new ground which I then had to somehow learn to navigate. That re-assurance at finding the kind of person I had always been looking for, and having everything be so new, so different, gave me the freedom, courage, and desire to change. He was the catalyst I had been looking for. I don't think he ever realised, but this guy unknowingly helped me to completely change my life. I found this confidence I never knew I had, I did things I never dreamed I would be able to do, I learnt things about myself I never knew before, the way I thought about myself and my life changed irreversibly for the better. I didn't realise love could be so healing, so constructive. My self worth, my self esteem, my happiness all shot up. I had a renewed faith and love for life. I could feel myself finally letting go and coming into my own. I was finally finding who I really was. I saw things in a new way, a new perspective, and all those initial changes had a knock on effect across all aspects of my life. It was liberating. I felt like a nicer person, a better person, a happier person, I appreciated my place in this world. And when I went to university those changes continued to happen, and I gradually developed into the person I am now, which as I've said numerous times, is the happiest I have ever been. 

Things didn't end up working out with that guy, although he's still very special to me, and yes I'm still single, but it really is okay because even though I'm in the same predicament as I've pretty much always been, I have this new found confidence and belief when it comes to love. Everything is the same and yet simultaneously everything has changed, and it's a great comfort to know that things will never go back to quite how they were before. At this time in my life I finally know what I will and won't take, I know what I do and don't want, I know what I need, I know what I can give and be to somebody else. I know what love means to me, I know who and what I'm looking for even better than before, and I trust life that I will find that person. That I'll just know it's them, even if they aren't who I expect them to be, or look like I thought they might. Stop thinking I know everything and instead let myself be guided by life. The fears that used to govern me don't hold me back anymore like they used to and I can spot danger signs a mile off. I now know how to swallow my pride, my nerves, my fears, trust in my heart and take chances, put myself out there and accept what happens. I understand and know myself even better than before, and I really do like who I am now. If you can't tell already, I'm just at a very good point in my life so far, and not a day goes by where I'm not grateful for everything that has happened to me, because it has helped to reach where I am now.

So I guess all there is to do now is keep on being happy with the way things are, keep bettering myself, enjoy my freedom and independence, don't dwell on things that trip me up every now and then, stop overthinking everything and just love the life that I have right now. And maybe some day in the future, if I'm lucky enough, life will tap me on the shoulder and I'll turn to find someone with whom I get to share this all with. Someone who'll love how I sing and dance like an idiot at home when no-one's there, how inventive I am in the kitchen, how I go running red faced around the neighbourhood in my leggings and 'I'm red enough said' top. How I walk into door frames and tables daily, my incessant need to hoard anything and everything, respect my continued adoration for Alex Turner. Someone who'll love all the good and bad parts of me, just like I do, someone who'll be proud of the person I am and the good I try to do in the world, just like I am. Someone who is my equal, someone I can learn from, someone who fills gaps in my life I didn't even know were there. Reading that back now I know it sounds like a big ask, and asking someone to love all of you, from the good to the bad and everything in between is. It always is. But the older I get, the wiser I get, the more I realise that everyone is entitled to that kind of love. We all deserve it, and if we can each find it within our hearts to give that love to another person, we have that potential to love like that, then it gives me great hope to know that hopefully one day, I will be lucky enough to receive the kind of love I am ready to give too.