Trust Yourself

TRUST YOURSELF

Today was a nice day, because it was the day I realised that actually, an awful lot has changed in the last year, and all those changes, amazingly enough, have been for the better. And I am so happy with where I am right now in my life. For the last few months or so, I've had a feeling that something different, something good, has happened. The fundamental core of who I am has had a bit of a tweak and twiddle and a shake and a shimmy. It hasn't been a major change, just a shift, but it has been enough to set the ball rolling, and that is so very, very wonderful.

The thing that made me realise that this change had happened, was my mid-placement review. As you may or may not know, I am currently on a 6 week placement as part of my course, and I'm up in East Lancashire working with adults who have had a stroke. Before I started this placement, I was absolutely dreading it. And it had nothing to do with the place or the client group. It was to do with me. For some reason, the very existence of this placement set off a whole load of worries and demons from somewhere deep inside me, and my anxiety went completely and utterly off its rocker.

I would wake up in the morning with a knot in my stomach and millions of hypothetical thoughts racing through my head. I would go to bed thinking of the many ways that my placement could go wrong. I'd get stressy at uni, feeling that panic rising in my chest and the thoughts clouding my mind, and I never told anyone. I'd just try and act normal, pretend like it wasn't there. I was petrified off messing up, letting myself down, letting my insecurities stop me from succeeding, not proving myself, not being good enough, doing everything wrong, making the same mistakes all over again. There were numerous times when I called my Mum to ask her questions, and I'd end up having a mini meltdown on the phone. It was horrible. I hated what I was doing to myself. How I was allowing my fears and insecurities to have that much of an influence on me and my life.

And it's funny because none of it was grounded in truth whatsoever. I knew in theory that I could do this placement, and I could do it well. I knew in my mind all the many things that had changed since this time last year. I knew I could stop the same mistakes happening again. I just had an awful lot of difficulty believing these things. Of trusting in myself. And that made me feel really sad, because I don't want to be my own worst enemy, my harshest critic. 

Fast forward a few weeks though, and things are very different. Isn't it funny how that's always the case? I knew as soon as I spoke to my first Clinical Educator that things were going to be different this time around. And it was all down to the way I communicated with her. There was a confidence. There was a warmth and friendliness. There was a strong sense of good intention. There was an ease and self-assuredness. There was politeness and professionalism. There was a calmness, a measured quality, a maturity. All these things that weren't there even six months ago. Evident and growing, yes, but all these individual qualities hadn't linked together to form the bigger picture, until now. It's like they've all joined up to make this big constellation, twinkling away in the sky for all to see.

And it's because of all those changes, that things on placement are going well. Really well, much to my complete surprise. Over the last few weeks I've been getting really positive feedback, but I didn't fully believe it until today, when my Clinical Educator and I sat down to discuss my progress. I was half expecting her to say, mate, we know you're trying and obviously we love the weekly update about what takeaway you had at the B&B last night, but babe you're just not cutting it. It's all going, well, a bit tits up I'm afraid. That's what I was expecting, albeit not in those words obviously. And that kind of vibe, the 'I'm afraid you're just not quite good enough', is what I'm always expecting to an extent. So it was somewhat strange to hear the complete opposite. My Clinical Educator told me that both her and my other Clinical Educator knew I was competent by my third day of placement. And as for my interpersonal skills, they were excellent with two exclamation marks. And I was like, woah, hold up, have I spontaneously gone blind or did you just put two exclamation marks there? I just could not believe it.

Numerous times over the last few weeks I've brushed over how scared I was before this placement, how hard I found last placement, and how part of me has been expecting to fail. But all those things were only the tip of the iceberg. And even that little bit of insight surprised my Clinical Educator. She couldn't believe that this was what was going on inside of me. And I guess with the way I act now, maybe you wouldn't. But instead of that being because I hide my insecurities, fears and flaws so well, I think that now, it's more to do with the fact that I'm a lot better than I ever give myself credit for. And maybe it's time I started tuning into that. I know how difficult this journey has been for me. To constantly try and fight to move forwards, and break the thought processes I established far too soon in life. So maybe it's time to start trusting myself. To celebrate my successes and allow myself to accept that I am good enough. I'm doing alright. I deserve to be proud.

It's no secret at all that my self-esteem is like that unreliable friend that bails on you whenever you thought you could count on them most. Since the age of five, it's been flaking out on me whenever it feels like it, and throwing a spanner in the works when I could really do without one. To overcome these limitations I subconsciously place upon myself, has been one heck of a meaty battle. I think I've almost come to accept that this is just the way I am, and there will always be days when I lose the battle. And that's okay. These things will happen. The most important thing is that I've always kept fighting on. I keep getting up on my feet and trying again. I fight harder. Stronger. Better. And I keep striving to take myself forwards. Pushing myself towards a happier place.

Yesterday was the moment that I fully, truly realised just how far I've come. The moment when I realised that all these positive changes have been down to me, and me alone. All the hard work, the falls, the mistakes, the pushing myself out my comfort zone, the striving to try again, to be better, to carry on. How, if I hadn't done any of those changes, then I would be half the person I am now. How my determination to become a better person, become the person I have always wanted to be, is the thing that has lead me to this place. A place where I can look in the mirror and be happy and accepting of what I see. Where I can talk to absolutely anyone and everyone, and make them smile, laugh, feel good. Where I am so at peace and one with who I am as a person. Where I can put things into perspective. Truly appreciate all the things I am so very lucky to have in my life. See the positive side of things. Be kind to myself, and encourage and believe in my potential. Work hard, and put my energies in the right places. Seek and take constructive criticism and the not so great things in lif with maturity and dignity. Be more open about my feelings and emotions. Treat others how I would like to be treated. See and feel the joy in the world. Accept and laugh about my flaws, because they make me who I am.

There's so many things. So many, many things. And I guess what I want to say most of all, is that I'm proud of myself. I am so fookin', crazy, insanely, mega proud. And I just thought you should know.