JUST SO YOU KNOW...
Dear x
I'm sorry things ended the way they did. With you walking away and me standing there, letting you. I still think it never should have ended like that, but we were who we were back then. We couldn't help ourselves. I might be a different person now, someone I like to think would do things a little differently, but that still doesn't change the person I used to be. The decisions I made. The actions I took. The words I said. But it's weird because the thing I'm most sorry about, is the way I acted after it all came to an end. I'm not saying I regret what I did, because what's done is done and even though I handled it poorly, what I gained from doing all those things has made me a better person. Of that I am sure.
I'm just sorry that I did things the way I did. I realise now that you wanted to be left alone. That you didn't miss me like I missed you. That I was a person who was only supposed to exist in one phase of your life, and none of the others to follow. That we aren't the same people. We don't think or feel or act in the same way. The way I felt about things didn't mean that you felt the same way too. It was selfish of me to assume that the feeling was mutual. You have your own heart and mind. You're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. I had no currency on that. I never did.
To carve a road into your life after a year had passed, wasn't the right thing to do. I realise that now. All the time leading up to that moment, I had missed you so much more than I ever expected I would. It was hard to cope with the feeling of loss, and find ways to move on from it and leave it behind. It was hard to accept the way things ended, and accept that I would probably never see you again. I got it into my head that some awful mistake had been made, and no-one was putting it right. So I took it into my own hands. I tried to right the wrong, even though it wasn't necessarily my place to do so. It didn't occur to me at the time that maybe things were supposed to end the way they did. Maybe we were only ever supposed to exist in each other's lives for a short period of time. Maybe we weren't the right people. Maybe we were meant to help each other get to a better place and then go our separate ways.
All these things occurred to me too late. I was young and inexperienced and reckless and too optimistic. I think too much and I don't think logically, nor do I listen to my heart and my feelings. Reaching out to you in the way I did, it was the only way I knew how. And at first it was okay. At first it felt like I had done the right thing. But you probably know as well as I do, that I was way too out of my depth. I launched myself into an ocean that I didn't know how to swim in. A galaxy I didn't know how to navigate. A never-ending forest I didn't know how to walk in. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn't. I hadn't thought things through. I acted so impulsively, and I mixed up all my feelings and memories and desires until I couldn't tell one from the other. It all became so messy.
I don't really know how I expected you to react. I guess a part of me wanted it to become one big happily ever after with the click of a finger. But life doesn't work like that. It hardly ever does. I don't know how I expected you to act in any other way, than the way you did. I would be surprised too. I would be confused. I would be sceptical. I would be unsure what was happening. I would be well meaning but guarded and tentative. I wouldn't see it as a priority, or a massive life changing event. I would be slightly concerned if someone started sending me pictures of Draco Malfoy on a bloody alpaca, of all things. I get that now. I just wish I'd understood it then.
But again, that's not how life works. We have to make our mistakes before we can learn from them. And it can take many years before we can truly understand them. So I wanted to write this to you, in the off chance you might read this, to tell you that I realise now. I understand now. I've learnt from everything I did wrong. I already do things differently. And I'm sorry for everything I did back then. I'm sorry that I ruined what little survived of us and blew it to pieces. I'm sorry that I changed your perception of me. I'm sorry that I put you in that position. I'm sorry that I pushed you even further away. I'm sorry that we ended up here, in this strange old place. I want you to know all these things for your own peace of mind. Nothing more.
The way I acted back then was fuelled by loving you, caring about you, missing you, missing your friendship, missing that time in our lives. All those weird things I did, they came from a good place. A really good, well meaning, honest place. But I guess when you place power in the hands of the heart, you can never trust what's going to happen. Things will change for the better. Things will change for the worse. Whatever the outcome, change, for better of for worse, is always the one you can count on. And that time round, I made things worse. And for that I will always be sorry, because it's the last thing I ever wanted to happen.
I don't know what you're doing now. I don't know what you look like. What you sound like. How you are. Where you are. If life is treating you kind. If you're happy with the way everything turned out for you. If you're surrounded by good people who love and care about you. I know it isn't my place to be concerned about these things. I know I have no say in these things. I shouldn't even care. It's none of my business. Why someone you used to know some time ago now, should be thinking about these things from time to time, doesn't make sense. It shouldn't happen. I assume you would rather I didn't care, and that I just left you alone for good. Maybe I would want the same thing too. The distance. The freedom. The divide between your life and mine.
But you must understand that the only reason I still care, the only reason I still miss you, and hope you're so well and happy and content, is because you were such an important person to me. At that one time in our lives, where you and I existed in the same time, the same place, you changed everything for me. It was nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was just knowing you. Having you there. Meeting you gave me a confidence in myself and my life and fate and people. You gave me hope. You made me realise that there are some really good people out there. That every now and then, when you're losing hope and belief and worth in yourself, life will give you a little miracle. A little ray of light. And it will brighten everything. It will make your life better. It will make you better.
You were my miracle. I never saw you coming. I never thought I needed to know someone like you. I never even thought someone like you could be out there. You didn't realise, but you came right when I needed you most. You catalysed something within me, so that I would never be the same person again. Instead I would become someone better. Your friendship was a gift. A priceless gift. I still benefit from it now. It still makes my life better too. Words will never be able to explain what you did for me, just by being you and being there when I needed someone the most. And I guess because the impact you made on my life was so big, I assumed you'd stick around. I assumed I might hopefully be making your life a little bit better too. I assumed that things would never change. This special person in my life would never disappear or leave. It wouldn't make any sense.
But you left. I left. We parted ways. We moved on. We let our lives take us away from one another. We became different people. And I struggled with that transition for longer than I expected to. You're a different person to me, even though something fundamental about us is the same, and I think you handled things so much better, so differently. Life had shaped you into a different person to me. And that's okay. And then I did what I did, put a dampener on things, and that's when our lives completely separated for good. You went left. I went right. All ties were cut. And I have come to accept that and make peace with that. I respect your decision. I just want you to know how thankful and grateful I am for your presence in my life. I want you to know that you did something right. That you changed the world in a little way. That you made a difference. That someone out there is glad you exist, grateful they met you, is a better person because they knew you. Isn't that all we can ever hope for in this life?
All I can do now is wish you well. Wish you a lifetime of happiness. Wish you achieve everything you ever wanted to and so much more. Wish you are always surrounded by good people, and that you yourself continue to believe in the goodness you possess. It's always there. As for me, well I'm happy now. Really happy. I've come a long way in the last few years, and I like where I have found myself. My life isn't perfect, but in my eyes it is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I'm so content and proud and every day I try to make myself a better person than I was the day before. I still think of you from time to time. I can't help myself. But not as often, and not in the same way I either. I just want you to be happy. That's all. Certain things make me think of you, and I will wonder. I will dream. I will think. But then I remember where I am now, and I know that those places my thoughts carry me are just in my imagination. And maybe one day, I will know those places, those moments. They will happen. Or maybe they wont. And that's okay. I've made my peace. Everything is alright. And I just thought you should know.
Wishing you all the best
xxx
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