Feeling Good Enough

FEELING GOOD ENOUGH

All my life, literally since I was a little girl, I've struggled with feeling good enough. It sounds kind of ridiculous, imagining a self conscious four year old girl with a distinct sense she wasn't as good as everyone else, but the fact is it was true. If I close my eyes I'm taken right back to that place, and to this day I still remember exactly how I felt. Over the years I think I've managed to figure out what it was that lead to me feeling that way, but it's taken me a long, long time to get to the point where I really do genuinely believe I am good enough. It was so recently that I reached that point, literally only the end of last month, that I woke up one day feeling like something had finally changed inside of me. It was this reassuring calmness and inner peace, hippy-ish as that sounds, that somehow made me feel like I was enough, that everything from this point was going to be okay. I'd finally made it to this wonderful place that has eluded me for so, so long.

Most of my life I've struggled with feeling second best, losing out and coming last, finding my place, doubting my own abilities and questioning the person I am. There's been so much inner conflict that's managed to arise from the most mundane and simplest of things over the years, despite so many re-assurances from so many different places and people that I am good enough, and it's been something that I've had to work on as I've grown older. My teenage years especially have been a steep learning curve, with one particular incident leaving my shaky self-confidence, self-esteem and self-belief in absolute tatters, to the extent that they were almost non existent, dramatic as it sounds. I just didn't believe I was good enough for anyone or anything. I was trying my best to be good enough but it was never, ever enough, and I ended up turning on myself even more, reducing myself to half the person I used to be, and hiding how I was feeling from everyone I knew. And the worst thing was although this incident was single handedly the worst I've ever felt in my life, in terms of being good enough, that very same pattern of blaming myself has happened so many times over the years. The only difference was the people involved and the scenarios at hand. 

It took me to the age of sixteen to finally realise the bad habits and destructive cycles I had acquired over the years, and finally realise my biggest error of all. For near enough all my life I just didn't realise that somewhere along the way I'd began using the people around me as a way of judging and deciding my self worth. The way I felt about myself was directionally proportional to the people around me, and both how they made me feel or how I perceived them to feel about me. I was ridiculously influenced and dependent on other people, and I had accidentally began using their opinions and judgements to subsequently become my own worst enemy. When I eventually realised that, it allowed me to start noticing when it happened. I was able to see just how deep this cyclic behaviour ran within me and what triggered it. I began to figure everything out, and although it allowed me to start setting things straight, making long needed changes to how I thought about myself, shutting out the influence of other people and trying to piece my self-confidence and self-esteem back together, I still tripped up every now and again. There were still moments when I broke down feeling like I just wasn't good enough for my family, friends, guys, college, my future chosen career path. It happened a lot less than it used to, but those bad habits still hadn't been broken. Things were still changing.

Over the last couple of years I've steadily come into my own, a little like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly, and learnt how to stop letting my self worth and self-esteem derive from other people. I've managed to cut the negative thinking habits, and now I'm the only one responsible for deciding how I feel about myself. And since I've both finally regained control completely of the way I perceive myself, and really paid attention to the positive reaffirming things that have happened to me over the last year especially, I finally do believe, realise and have decided that I am good enough. I feel complete as a person. I know exactly who I am, good, bad and everything in between. I believe I've figured out my place in life, or at least where I'm meant to be right now, and I know what things are in or out of my control. Although I am grateful and appreciative of positive comments people may occasionally give me, or actions directed my way, I just appreciate them in the moment they're given, and I rarely let those comments or actions have any effect on my self-esteem, self worth and self-confidence. I try to keep the two separate, because in doing so it's helped me learn how to be responsible for myself and how I feel towards myself entirely. I've learnt how to be nice towards myself, to constructively critique and keep improving, to be more optimistic, to do things that make my soul happy, not be so hard on myself, be truly independent, my own person, to pick myself up and dust myself off should I ever fall down, tell myself I am good enough and I am worth something, whenever I start to think the opposite.

At the end of the day, I am who I am, I'm the best version of myself yet, and I've learnt to love and be happy with everything I am and am not. I'm not worthless, I'm here for a reason, and finally coming to that realisation is the most wonderful thing in the world. So with that, although I know this post has been pretty long, I hope reading it has helped you in some way, should you have ever felt the same. Maybe it's got you thinking, and I hope most of all that it's somehow helped you to feel better about yourself, realise you're not alone and that you really are truly good enough.

Spring Dreaming

SPRING DREAMING

Right now I'm back from university for Easter holiday (how has time gone that fast?!), and in my head the arrival of Easter surely means it is most definitely spring, and we should therefore be waving off the last of winter and warmly embracing the next season along. It's a time for new beginnings, new life, flowers, plants,  blue skies, warm weather, sunshine, happiness, family, a lil' bit of chocolate, bright colours... and yet it's very much not. It appears that spring has got lost somewhere along the way, meaning we're still eagerly waiting it's sunny and beautiful arrival to chase away the clouds, rain and wind that are still swirling around us from winter. I know it'll come around soon, it always does, but until then, because I'm finding the grey skies and Wizard of Oz wind outside my window rather unbearable and soulless right now, I thought I'd compile a series of photos that celebrate and encapsulate the magic and sheer beauty of spring. Seeing the dazzling array of colours, flowers, words, images, patterns has already put me in a much better mood, and I hope it does for you too. So don't you worry, it'll be spring before we know it... *crosses fingers, toes, legs, arms and every other crossable body part* ... hopefully.

-All photos/ designs are linked to their original source & all credit goes to the brilliant photographers and artists!-

Kendall Jenner, Calvin Klein

    

KENDALL JENNER, CALVIN KLEIN

I may as well say it: I can't help but like Kendall Jenner. I know both her mega famous family and hugely successful recent foray into modelling have caused quite a stir over the last year or so, with opinions on Kendall being very much divided, but in my opinion she's just a young woman having the time of her life. She's living out her dreams and making the most of every opportunity that comes her way. And with one of those opportunities now being the confirmed face of the new Calvin Klein campaign, it seems that Kendall's on, to quote the beautiful John Green novel 'The Fault In Our Stars', a rollercoaster that only goes up, and what else could one say except you go girl. Kendall's living her dream, and why should she not? I for one love the recently released campaign shots. I love the neutral tones of the colour scheme with the black, whites, greys and dusty blues. I love the way the colours compliment Kendall's features and colourings, fully emphasising her aesthetic that's very much reminiscent of the natural, timeless, effortless beauty of European women. It's almost as though Kendall was plucked from the glamorous Italian or Spanish shores and yet she's an American gal through and through. But I think what I love most about the campaign is Kendall's look of doe-eyed innocence and fragility, which somehow still looks quietly fierce and strong. A lot of fashion campaigns all feature incredibly strong and powerful looking women who almost look like goddesses that surely can't be existing amongst us mere mortals. And whilst it's fabulous to celebrate the fierceness of women, it's kinda refreshing to see a campaign that embraces the vulnerability, fragility, innocence and natural simple beauty that women also possess too. And with CK choosing to emphasise that in the aesthetic of this newest campaign. it shows that those things don't have to be a weakness. They're aspects of us women that deserve to be celebrated too, and Kendall does the job perfectly.

http://uk.calvinklein.com/store/en

Zane Lowe Tribute / New Music

ZANE LOWE TRIBUTE/ NEW MUSIC

I've been meaning to write this post for quite a while, or basically ever since I found out that the wonderful, legendary DJ and music God, Mister Zane Lowe, was leaving BBC Radio One after thirteen years on the 5th of March. Now obviously this post has come twenty one days late, but you know what they say, there's no time like the present, so hey ho here we go. I felt like I simply had to write a tribute (even if it's 21 days late) because like so many people worldwide, Zane and his fantastic evening radio show and various music documentaries and shows, have been an integral and instrumental influence in my life. He's inspired me massively over the years, and I feel like I owe it to Zane to thank him for everything he's unknowingly done for me, because although it sounds kind of weird, I wouldn't be quite the same person I am today if he hadn't been a part of my life.

I began listening to Radio One in 2010, age 14, both out of simple curiosity and a desire to listen to a radio station that wasn't full of adverts and the same old pop songs played on repeat. I was also beginning to emerge from the boy band/ pop obsession stage of my life, and I had a hunger see what else was out there music wise, broaden my horizons, expand on my music knowledge. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was that I was looking for, but when I first tuned in to Radio One I immediately felt like I'd found the perfect thing to help me. I was heading in the right direction. Listening to Radio One exposed me to a whole host of new artists that I still adore to this day, and genres I never knew I would come to like so much. It was, and still continues to be, a thorough musical education and it felt like I'd finally found exactly where I needed and wanted to be. 

Now in the early days however, I'm ashamed to say it but I didn't like Zane's show.  I just didn't get it or understand it. When it got to 7pm I'd turn the radio off, my fill of music for the day complete with no need for any more. His show felt like a stage in my musical development and exploration that I just wasn't ready for. It seemed to be for people who were truly dedicated to music and knew their stuff inside out, so with me being very much a 'learner' and new to it all, I avoided Zane's show like the plague. But one day I decided to be adventurous, and when it got to 7pm I left the radio on. Two hours later I still didn't quite get Zane's show, but there was something about him that was almost hypnotic. So I tuned in again the next day, and the next, until somewhere along the line it began to become a regular thing, and I somehow found myself liking his show. It took a while to put my finger on just what it was about Zane and his show that I found myself liking so much, but I eventually realised that it was mixture of things.

When you listen to Zane talk about music, it's impossible to ignore the evident passion, adoration and enthusiasm he clearly has for it, and the best thing is it's completely and utterly infectious. Music is intertwined in the strands of Zane's DNA, it runs in his blood, it's an essential component of who he is. He gets music, he understands the intentions and musical make up of every artist he speaks to, sometimes even better than they do. He appreciates all genres no matter how diverse or experimental,  all songs and artists no matter how old or new, and what I love most is that he keeps the magic of music alive. He believes in it whole heartedly, and as a result so do you too. The way Zane talks about music he makes it seem like something bigger than life itself, and on his show as soon as it began he'd make it feel like you and millions of other music lovers had tuned into, and subsequently become a part of, something special. He united all music lovers together at the same time every Monday to Thursday, and somehow transported you to this whole other dimension and side of music. Zane made you see music in a different way, as something special, unique, beautiful, exciting, diverse, important, and listening to Zane it felt like you were on the very cusp of everything. You were very much a part of it. 

Before I listened to Zane's show, I thought I was doing alright in my musical education and exploration, but he showed me that I was missing the mark completely. There was so much more to music that I just didn't get, nor had I explored, and I certainly didn't understand just what music could be and do for me. It was Zane who made me realise that music could be something to be excited about, something to connect with, save me, help me, guide me, make my life a million times better. It was this ever pulsating, ever changing, electric, magical thing that completely changed my life for the better. Zane's enthusiasm and passion inspired me no end and did so right up till his final show, urging me to explore everything and anything music related and never forget how special music is. Because of Zane I began to read music magazines like Q and NME, and they almost felt like gospels. I set up my own music blog to channel and share my ever growing passion for music, I began to explore new artists, genres, music and B-sides on You Tube and Spotify, collect my own CD's to build up a now 100+ strong collection, go to gigs, my first festival, write my first music review. And when I went to Manchester University in September, I finally had my dream come true and got my own radio show, with my aim to 'do a Zane' and inspire people with my own passion for music, introduce them to new music, give air play to new artists, and keep the magic of music alive.

If I hadn't come across Zane Lowe, I honestly dread to think about where my life would be right now, or the person I'd be. Music is one of the most important things in my life, and a massive, vital part of who I am. I honestly don't think I could live without it. I adore everything about music, and I will forever be eternally grateful to Zane for inspiring within me the same passion and enthusiasm for music that fuels him, so Zane, if you should every come across this little gushing post, from the bottom of my heart thank you.

And now to finish things off, I'd love to share with you some music that I'm loving right now...

T-SHIRT WEATHER

Circa Waves

SOMEONE NEW

Hozier

FREAKOUT

Mini Mansions

LEAN ON

Major Lazer & DJ Snake

HOLD MY HAND

Jess Glynne

TURNING BACK AROUND

RHODES

DEAD INSIDE

Muse

The Interrogative Mood

First things first, sorry for the lack of posts this last week! I had quite a few things to do, places to be, people to meet (ugghhh the glamourous life I lead hehe) and somewhere along the way time seemed to pass me by at light speed, so before I knew it a new week had begun with a noticeable lack of posts on here. But today I'm putting my foot down (although ironically they're currently rested on the chair opposite to me) and re-entering the blogosphere with a little post about the wonderful Padgett Powell book 'The Interrogative Mood'. I picked up the book during one of my weekly visits to the absolutely brilliant Manchester Central Library, after stumbling across it and reading the blurb out of curiosity, as well as noting the commendable words of praise by Pulp's Jarvis Cocker on the back.... Padgett's book is written in one of the most unique formats I've ever come across, with the entire book comprising of a consistent sequence of questions that are proposed to you, the reader, one after the other from cover to cover. I've never read anything like it before, with the format being reminiscent of a highly inquisitive young child, an admirably persistent journalist or the owner of an incessantly curious mind, and the questions Padgett asks are incredibly random with some being seemingly light hearted (although deeper meanings could be easily contrived) whilst others very much require you to think about your response.

My favourite thing about The Interrogative Mood is how the questions steadily help to construct an idea and representation of just who you are as a person. By posing Padgett's vast array of questions to yourself, you really begin to find yourself thinking carefully about your answers and then exploring just why you'd respond to the question in that particular way. Some questions are rather fun to answer and will probably make you smile away to yourself, whilst others provoke you to stare off into the distance in a state of wonder and deep thought, but they both have the same purpose of helping you to start understanding just what kind of person you are. Of course you don't even have to answer the questions that are continuously thrown your way from the beginning of the book right through to the end, and yet somehow you find yourself doing so anyway. The questions are fuel to our inquisitive brains that are always sparkling away with electrical activity and hungry for new information and input to ponder, peruse and respond to. It's an automatic reaction for your inner voice to respond and wonder just how to answer the questions, and the more I think about it the more impressed I am with the psychological mechanics of Padgett's wonderful book, as well as the unique format and content. It's a truly fascinating read and a journey of self-discovery, particularly as in normal life we scarcely think to ask each other such diverse, telling and important questions in an attempt to both get to know each other better and figure out just who we are.

So to celebrate this eccentric and amazing book, I thought it would be a rather good idea to answer some of the questions myself on here, just so you can see the kinds of questions The Interrogative Mood contains, and also maybe learn something new about me in the process...

You can buy the book here.

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QUESTIONS...

1) If you are relegated to last place in every category, are you bothered enough to struggle up?
One of my most frustrating and yet oh so wonderful personality traits is my incessant, inextinguishable and sometimes exhausting optimism. Combine this with my absolute belief that everything happens for a reason and all I can do is positively react and respond to the events that occur in my life, whether they be good or bad. I accept that things have occurred for a reason, so all I can do is see the positive wherever I can and use that positivity to keep on going. So in response to the question, if I were to be relegated to last place in every category, it would be an impulsive response of mine to firstly try and see the positive in the situation, and secondly to get back up on my feet again and use and learn from the experience to help fuel an attempt to at least try to struggle back up as far as I can. And wherever that attempt takes me, if I can get no further than I'll accept that right now it's for a reason and try to understand why that may be, try to see the positives and then see where both take me.

2) If tennis courts could be but of one surface, which surface would that be?
They would have a see through plastic floor, and below that would be a massive array of glittery, sparkly things like glitter and gems, because how coooool would that be?!??!

3) If it might be fairly said that you have hopes and fears, would you say you have more hopes than fears, or more fears than hope?
I think that I have a lot of hopes and fear yes, however having thought about it, I believe that my hopes and fears are in equal proportion to each other and have a directly proportional relationship, unless I have a certain degree of certainty that my hope will come true. My hopes always arise and blossom first, and then from that the fear that attaches to it starts to stem. So say for example I find myself hoping that I get tickets to an Arctic Monkeys concert, my fear would be not getting tickets, however sometimes the hope is stronger than the fear or vice versa.

4) Were you a bird, would you like more to soar or flap?
I'd flap first to get soaring energy, which is the ultimate goal, because I imagine that it's a bit like life where you have to put in a bit of work in order to do what you want to do most of all. Then once I've got the energy to soar that's all I'd do, because soaring would be the most amazing thing, gliding through the skies and getting to see the beauty of the world from that perspective #reincarnationgoals

5) Is there enough time left?
Probably not because our bodies can only sustain us for so long, and life is finite for everyone and everything, and you just never know when it's going to all come to end. But in spite of that I like to believe that there is enough time, because if you don't then you won't do half the things you wanted to, and anyway it's just nice to believe that time is on your side in some shape or form when so many things in this world are against you, ironically including time itself.

6) Do you like to listen to weather broadcasts or do you just like to see, in uncoached anticipation, weather happen?
Living in the UK, where we are fortunate to have relatively neutral weather devoid of the extremes experienced in other countries, I like to just deal with whatever weather the world throws my way because I can deal with, and sometimes even enjoy the crappy weather, as can I appreciate the good. There's no point in complaining because there's not much you can do about it, so you should just get on with your life and don't ever put it on hold because of the weather.

7) Have you ever heard the saying 'life is a sandwich of activity between two periods of bed wetting'?
No but I like it a hell of a lot!

8) If you could emigrate to any country in the world and support yourself there, which country would it be?
Firstly it would be America, specifically New York City because living there would be an absolute dream come true. Then I'd move on to Sydney, Australia because it's so pretty and I think I could get used to Christmas on the beach. And finally I'd move to Spain, maybe Barcelona, with frequent trips over the border to Paris in France, because I adore Spain and its culture. Plus because I'm a quarter Spanish it would be wonderful being able to reconnect with my heritage.

9) If you had the opportunity to have a two-headed pet, would you seize it?
Of course, without hesitation, and I would love and celebrate both heads equally.

10) What is something blue?
The majority of things I own and me when I'm wearing said things
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How would you respond?