Sail Away From The Safe Harbour

SAIL AWAY FROM THE SAFE HARBOUR

I always remember being particularly intrigued by a Mark Twain quote when I was in my early teens. It goes like this: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." At the time I was too young to fully appreciate and understand the quote and its significance. I just loved the way it sounded. I loved the boat analogy, and the idea of breaking free and venturing wherever your heart desires. The whole world, a world of possibility, hope, magnificence, all yours for the taking. I loved how the verbs explore, dream, discover were all in succession, one after another after another. I loved writing it down in my journal for safekeeping. It sounded so knowledgeable, wise, exciting to a young girl with her whole life arching out ahead of her. Yet it's only now, though, with less than a month to go till I'm twenty, that I find I actually resonate with the quote on an even deeper level than I ever did before.

Although my years on this planet are less than most, and in theory I'm only really just getting started, I've already experienced or done things that have left me some what disappointed. I already know the feeling. I know what it's like. There are moments when I wish I'd acted differently, actions I wish I had taken, words I wish I'd said, and a part of me will probably always wonder what might have happened if I'd had the courage to do all those things. What might my life be like if I had? These things don't rest over me like a heavy weight on my shoulders, nor do I necessarily regret them, as I believe that everything happens for a reason. But when these things happen, it's enough of a shock to the system to make you certain that if possible, you'd really much rather they didn't happen again. That feeling of hopelessness. Helplessness. Of looking back over your shoulder and seeing all those things you wish you'd done differently. It's horrible. It takes months, years to get over, and a lot of soul searching to finally find closure. When you're young, you don't imagine there will ever be anything you wish you'd done differently. The idea of regret does't seem to factor into any aspect of your life, because what is there to regret? How could you ever put a foot wrong? How could you ever let someone important to you leave with the ease of raindrops falling between your fingertips? You just never think these things will happen. But they do.

When these things happen, although in quantity they may be little, in terms of reverberations, these missed opportunities have the magnitude of an earthquake, with rippling seismic waves thundering out across the plains of your life. They have the power to change everything, and they do change everything too. When it happened to me, I knew in the moment that although I couldn't promise that this would never happen again, if ever a moment should come around again, an opportunity to take the steering wheel of your life and make a left or a right turn, with one of those turns capable of changing your life forever, I knew that I would do all I could to ensure I didn't let it pass me by. If I had a chance to save a moment, save an opportunity, save myself, a chance to change my life, I would take it. I would say yes, I would say whatever words I needed to say, string together as many actions as I could, do whatever I could to make sure that I took that road and see where it led. 

The worst missed opportunities, and the ones remembered best, are those that had the potential to completely alter and change your life. The ones that don't come around very often, and if you aren't the right kind of person when that chance comes around, and you're full of fear, anxiety, worry, and lacking confidence and belief, these opportunities are frustratingly easy to let slip away. They're the kind of moments that come once in a blue moon, and the sense of momentousness is so startling, so vivid, that it can leave you paralysed and submerged with emotion. It also takes an awful lot of courage and confidence to seize these moments too, which is what perhaps makes them so intimidating and important in the first place. You will dream of taking the chance, taking the leap into the unknown, and you want to meet this future so bad, but something always seems to stop you. You want to be the kind of person who can take those chances and opportunities. The kind of person who can make their dreams come true. But often the thing that's holding you back most of all, is yourself. 

As time has passed by, and as I've grown older and wiser and stronger, and more sure of myself, I've been able to reflect on these missed chances, and why they happened, and figure out what I want to do to make sure they never happen again. In a way, I think I've always known the answer. The solution to most of my problems in life, has always been to confront the things I fear most, step out of my comfort zone, address my insecurities. Take that fear, seize that fear, and most importantly, use it productively and positively. Over the years, many things have eluded me because of fear. I'm a worrier, an over-thinker, over-analytical, and fear is like a fuel. It allows these things to become bigger than they should be, and I find myself encased within it all, looking for an exit route that I can never seem to find. I sit by and watch my life plateauing. I sit by and see these chances and opportunities come and go. I sit by and see everyone else diving into the deep end, whilst I'm too afraid to even dip my toe in the water. 

I don't remember the turning point, or when or where it came, but I remember it was in the aftermath of the biggest and most important missed opportunity I've experienced so far in my life. I'd been moping around and lamenting my loss for a while, and I just couldn't shake the cloying feeling. I was looking for things to blame, too afraid to admit that the one with the most responsibility for the regretful turn of events was myself. I knew things had to change, and it wasn't long after that I had this sudden realisation that I could do something. I could actually make things happen. Give fate a nudge and life a shake and tilt the odds in my favour, if only for a little while. I could look fear in the eye and leave my comfort zone behind me. I could do things I was afraid of. I could take my life into my own hands and consciously choose to make those all important life altering decisions. I could do all of these things, and all it would take, was a little bit of impulsiveness, confidence, bravery, and belief. I was just so tired of giving in to fear and worry and uncertainty all the time, and letting all those negative emotions rule roost over my life. I was tired of sinking into the background. Tired of watching and not doing. Tired of waiting for chances that never came. Tired of tying myself to that safe harbour when what I really wanted most of all, was to be free. Fearless. Maybe a little reckless. Bold. Brave. Courageous. See what might lie beyond the periphery of my comfort zone.

Even though the fear I felt was immeasurable, the first time I really consciously made a decision to break out of my comfort zone and not only create, but seize a life changing opportunity, I remember the pride I felt was immense. I was utterly astounded at what I had managed to achieve. Amazed that I had all this potential stored up inside of me, and I had never chosen to utilise it till now. It didn't even feel like me, or to be more accurate, it felt like I had discovered and freed a part of myself that had been suppressed and silenced for too long. Far too long. In a way, it was like getting to know myself all over again, and it was lovely because although the actions and consequences were testing, and they didn't turn out quite as I would have liked, they were quite literally life changing. Although they didn't change my life, importantly, they changed me. Made me realise that I can do whatever I set my mind to. That I have the confidence to step out of my comfort zone. That I have everything I need to live my life exactly how I want to. That I can take charge of my own life. That I can feel the fear inside me and jump anyway. I can be that kind of person. I am that kind of person. 

I only fully appreciated just how far I've come, and how much I've changed, when I was speaking on the phone to my ma about something, the other night. An opportunity had arose, one of those special kinds of opportunity, and I wanted to seize it. I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to be bold and brave and fearless, and I knew that this was the right time. The right thing to do, even if again I didn't end up changing my life. I was telling my ma about my plans, and my reasons, and it was so peculiar, because she just could not see where I was coming from. She thought I was bonkers. Insane. Crazy. Wondering what on earth was coming out of my mouth. Tried to talk me out of it, and even when I tried to explain to her the feeling, that urge to sail away from the safe harbour, she just could not understand it. And it was then that I realised the difference between us. I am becoming someone who is learning to feel the fear inside me and doing whatever it is I'm afraid of anyway. Someone who makes things happen. Someone who's sure of herself, what she needs, what she can give. Someone who has learnt to recognise those golden opportunities when they come along, and seize them. Someone who is strong and mature enough to deal with the consequences of her decisions. My attitude, my opinions, my beliefs, my behaviour, my thought processes, they've all completely changed. I've grown as a person, and that feeling is pretty wild and wonderful, and completely and utterly mind blowing.

So as I sign off, I'd like to leave you dear readers with a few parting words, in the hopes that they might inspire you to sail away from your own safe harbour too. Fear is the biggest pain the in arse you will ever know. It is your worst enemy, but it is also your greatest friend. When amazing opportunities arise, when special, life changing moments come your way, and you feel fear brewing inside of you. When there's that conflict between your head and your heart, what's the scary thing to do, what's the safe thing to do, do I jump, or do I not. When it feels like everything is spinning so fast that you can't see straight and you don't know which path to choose. I urge you to do these three things: 1) Think about it, weigh up the pros and cons, ask yourself if it's what you really want (& you will know!). 2) Keep the idea in the forefront of your mind and mull it over for a period of time, do the groundwork to prepare for the change, keep an eye on life and fate and spy your perfect chance. 3) When the right moment comes, and you're freaking out with fear, take a deep breath, calm your mind, and do it. No time is ever really the right time, and life is very selective with the chances it aims your way, so when you know what you want and you find a chance to make it reality, go for it. You can do it. Make it happen. Explore. Dream. Discover. There's a whole other world waiting out there when you do.

(and for the record, I did the scary thing in the end, and if I can do it, then you can definitely do it too! Good luck!)