A Pause

A PAUSE

I was feeling a whole host of different emotions, and I didn't know what to do. The landscape of my mood kept changing, taking me with it. I haven't felt some of those emotions in such a long time. I was naive enough to believe that I never would again, or at the very least, I wouldn't let myself feel those feelings again. But I guess something went wrong. And I wasn't feeling quite like myself. I wasn't strong enough to keep the feelings at bay. I set them free and they accumulated quickly, just like they always do, and I let them build up on top of me and push me down. The way our eyes held onto one another for those brief world stopping seconds, and spoke a million different words, wasn't enough this time. 

I called my sister for some advice, and as I recounted my tale she stopped me in my tracks, and told me to cut the negative thought circuits right now, before they spiral out of control and become too powerful. Before they make me confuse reality and my perception of it, all over again. At first I was reluctant, but I heard the wisdom embedded in her words, and the warning not to do something that would make me become a version of myself I don't really like. I decided she was right. And I decided that I needed to get out. So I went for a late afternoon walk into the city. A really long walk. All around the city.

I went to the library, and pondered all the books, and the immeasurable wealth of knowledge and words and experience encapsulated in every single one. I went to the art gallery, and I looked at every painting that intrigued me with an interest and attention to detail that I never normally seem to possess. I walked down roads I've never been down. I went to the edges of the city and back again. I looked up at the architecture surrounding me, and took in all the intricate little details embedded within their design. I felt the sun rays gently warming my face, and I admired the bright blue skies valiantly breaking through the murky grey storm clouds, victorious.

I explored places I didn't even know existed till now. I saw the city from all these different viewpoints. I stood on bridges and paused to take in all the components comprising the view. I stood under bridges, and looked up at the criss-crossing of life shooting back and forth above me. I looked at the walls and structures, and their textures, design, colours. I imagined I was a tourist, here for the first time in this city, seeing it through bright eyes, and I realised how in love I am with this city. It is so heart-achingly beautiful. I don't think I will ever stop being in love with it. It's complete perfection, every last detail.

And it's weird because I was on my own, and my feet were aching, and I was tired from lack of sleep, and it's almost exam period, and my hair was a mess, and my mind was too loud, and my heart too full of beautiful but pointless feeling. But in that moment, none of it seemed to matter. I felt so completely at peace, and utterly happy. It wasn't a significant moment. Nothing special. But everything seemed so stunning. The world seemed so incredible, in all its simplicity. It was magical. That moment, was happiness of the purest kind. The kind of happiness that asks and wants for nothing.

It's a feeling that words can't quite pin down. It's beautiful and buoyant and gorgeous, and it makes you feel like life is so precious. And we're so lucky to be alive right here, right now, in this wonderful word. It makes you feel like you can accept life's hardships, because moments like this exist somewhere within it all. They're always there, waiting to be found. And you realise that although you can never know for sure, you trust that everything is going to okay. It's all going to be just fine. You've just got to keep on going.

So as I headed back home, my head felt so clear and healthy and free and peaceful. The feelings I woke up with this morning had dispersed, and instead I felt a calm understanding and acceptance. I didn't know exactly where I was going next, or what I was going to do. I still don't know for sure. But I trust that I will find solid ground again. Sure there was a note of sadness here and there, but I believe what my sister told me. I'm only 19. I have my whole life arching out ahead of me. These times will change. There's still so much more living left to do. And one day, fate will knock on my door and all the bad luck will suddenly cease to exist, and I will understand why. Everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be, we'll find a way. It will work out somehow. And if it doesn't, well then I've already carried myself into the future. I've done the hardest part, the thing I was most afraid of. And there's still an awful lot that I don't know, and I can't be sure about, but one thing I do know, is that I'm strong enough to keep on guiding myself forwards from here.