A Glass Half Full

A GLASS HALF FULL

The last couple of days I've been trying to catch my balance and reflect on my actions. How do I want to look back on this series of events, and where do I want to go from here? What do I want to do next? I've been wild, reckless, brave. I've leapt into the unknown. I've faced my fears. I've re-written the rules. I've changed the direction of my life. I've ended up on a road I didn't intend to go down. I've proven a lot of things to myself, and surprised a lot of people in the process. I've earned access to a realm where the entry is courageousness, and not a lot of people seem to have enough of it these days. I've broken free of my self-imposed restraints. I've given my life a good old shake up. I've learnt from my mistakes, and learnt a few more things about myself that I'd like to put right. I've somehow ended up not with what I necessarily wanted, but what I needed. And in addition to all of that, I've also somehow managed to acquire self-acceptance along the way too.

It's so much to happen in such a short space of time, and I'm not really sure where I've ended up, or where I'm going next. I don't even really know who I am any more, because I thought I had myself sussed, but I've only gone an shown that I'm so much more than I, and other people, ever gave myself credit for. There's this whole other side to me that I'm only just beginning to discover. A part of me that has been suppressed for far too long, and is only starting to finally be freed now. All of this wasn't supposed to happen to me. This was never meant to be my reality. I was never meant to be the one who was brave and confident. The one to force herself out of her comfort zone and face her fears. The one who did what others were too afraid to do. The one who made things happen. I never thought this time, this feeling, this moment, would come. But it has. And I was the one who made it happen. I am the one who got myself here.

Over the last few days, I have been brave enough, or maybe make that reckless and impulsive enough, to do something I have always been too afraid to do, and always assumed I never would be able to do either. I have simultaneously demonstrated my strength, weaknesses, vulnerability, maturity, bravery, confidence, assuredness, happiness, dignity, impulsiveness, as well as how much I've grown and how far I've come. And even though some may say I was greeted with defeat, I ironically feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. I put myself out there, and I didn't get the outcome I was hoping for, and I found myself precariously close to the feelings of embarrassment, shame, sadness, crushing disappointment, regret, stupidity, regret. I even fell into the heart of that negativity too, just for a little while, because they were all the easiest and most obvious feelings to summon. I thought I had made myself someone to be pitied, or even avoided, and I hated it. Everything was encouraging me to feel weakness, in light of what I had done, but I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't see it that way. And I sure as hell didn't want to accept it, and that's not just because I believe everything happens for a reason.

Because sure, I may have failed and been defeated, and sure, it's a valid reason to feel all those negative feelings, and consider the whole thing to be one massive mistake, but I don't see it like that. I just cannot. Earlier today, when I was feeling a swell of those negative feelings and wishing I could turn back time and do everything differently, I decided to compile a list of reasons why I did what I did. What made me do one of the very things I've been so afraid of all my life? What would I say to justify myself and my actions? At first, I expected to come up with nothing, because it was all surely one big mistake after all. But I ended up quickly finding at least thirty different reasons as to why I did what I did. And I just could not be mad at myself for doing what I did, nor could I regret it because every single one of those reasons shared this one common theme: a young woman trying to help herself become a better person. And how on earth could I find fault in that? 

I'm not saying that I did what I did in the best way, and if I could go back and re-do it, I know I'd do that act again, I'd just conduct myself a little differently. But how can I force myself to feel like I've taken a massive step backwards, when I so vividly feel and know that I have taken myself so far forwards? Part of me wants to feel all those negative feelings, because like I said, it's easy. It's the expected reaction. It's the automatic, primitive reaction. But I've got a brain up there in that head of mind, and when given time to think, process, and put that brain to good use, I've come to realise just how much I have achieved and proven by doing this one small act of bravery. This one small act that a lot of people lack the bravery to do. So why should I feel bad for being someone who had the bravery to face her fears, step out of her comfort zone, take her life into her own hands, and just do it? Why should I put myself down, when I have so many reasons to lift myself up? In some respects, I may have lost sure, but in the things that matter most of all, I feel like I've won a million times over.

This turn of events, although unwanted, is teaching me more about myself and life, than I suspect I would have learned if the outcome had been different. I thought I knew where I needed to be, and where I needed to go. And I was right in recognising that I needed to move myself forwards. I just got the destination wrong, because it's where I find myself now, at this very precise point in time, that I realise I need to be most of all. And I don't really know what happens next, and yes I will probably still cringe at what I wish I'd done a little differently, and yes there are a few more consequences still to face. But that's okay. I can laugh at myself, I can learn from my mistakes, and I can gracefully handle the consequences of my decisions too. It was an informed and well justified choice, after all. And most importantly, I feel a blissfully blooming pride and happiness too, because from this peak of the mountain, I can see just how far I've come, how much I've grown, how much I've learnt and overcome, and I love the person I have become. And I know that whatever happens next, whatever life throws at me, or I make happen myself, I have proven how strong and brave and hard working I am, and if it's true what they say, that fate loves the fearless, well then I know that I'll be just fine.