Beginnings, Promises & Changes

BEGINNINGS, PROMISES & CHANGES

I've been waiting a long time, or at least that's how it feels. An ending with no sight of a beginning. The sun set over the horizon and the stars illuminated the sky and life carried on and I kept moving onwards. I found myself in places I'd never been to. I met so many different people with stories unbound. I struck a deal with life, and in a gradual metamorphose of transformation we changed who I was for the better. I took the lessons and experiences aligned on my path and used them to build myself up. I didn't know what I was working towards, or where I was going, nor did I know what might await me on the winding pathway of life. Sometimes I fell to my knees in frustration. Other times it was the rain of tears. When you're continually working towards an elusive endpoint, it can be difficult to sustain motivation. The temptation to veer off the road is tantalising at times. But somehow you find the strength to carry on.

Then one day, a day just like any other embedded in the time scale of a week, a month, a year, something changed. It always does, and a blank page is suddenly flooded with colour, possibility, hope. You feel a glittering spark of life aflame inside your heart, and you know right then that this is a beginning. Something special has begun. And when the latency between an end and a beginning is so long, you come to appreciate the beauty of beginnings in a much more acute and perceptive way. The feeling is like pure magic, revitalising your soul like nothing else can. When he walked in to my life, he took the back entrance and worked his way up into the consciousness of my mind. The first time I met him, I was magnetised by his eyes. Eyes painted with the jewelled tones of a summer leaf intertwined with golden corn, a smattering of oak bark and flecks of a distant grey cloud in the distance. And at the very heart of those beautiful eyes, a glistening star that never seemed to cease sparkling, and on his face the most perfect smile that radiated a happiness I had never borne witness to, till now.

There was something familiar about him, and when he looked at me for the first time it was almost as though he knew me too. There was something special, captured and framed within a second of time, but I dismissed it. I classified it as a figment of an unrestrained, overly optimistic imagination, for how could someone as wonderful as him see something mirrored within me too? So I carried on walking, blissfully unaware of my error. Some considerable time passed before the winds of change picked up pace again, and released two flailing translucent arms to coil around him and I, and gradually bring us back to each other once more. The light bulb of him and I began flickering and spluttering light. Then one day, it suddenly burst into a gorgeous glow, complied of the warmest, most beautiful tendrils of light. And that is when things truly began, and the multitude of puzzle pieces began to slot into place one by one. What was once a blur evaporated into the most vivid clarity.

He had a gravitational pull that seemed to encircle my world and guide me closer to him, and in his pocket was a pathway full of promises. He ignited the horizon with warmth, light, hope, goodness, and I knew that I would have waited a million more years for this moment, if that's what the fates had instead decided. All my life I have been waiting for this person, and I believe that they are now finally here. And if it hadn't been now, it would have been another time, almost as though the constellations of our fates were irrefutably linked.What did't make sense before, suddenly did, because I finally understood that things had to fall apart so that this, in all its glory, could fall into place. What I had previously believed simply had to be impossible, had now come true. And it was priceless. Incredible. I had dreamed of this moment for so many years, and ridden the rollercoaster of life with all its many ups and downs, just so that I could get to this one very precise point in time. It was a pursuit fuelled only be the relentless optimism of my heart.

And so now that I have reached this moment, I am faced with one last hurdle I must overcome, because I have a twinkling instinctive notion that I need to keep him close to me. I need to give him a reason to stay, and an opportunity to delve into the unknown with me to see what we can find. And I so desperately want to know him, and I am too impatient to wait for life to give me chances that may never even come around. I already know too well what it's like to helplessly watch something you care about vanish through your fingers at the speed of a lightning bolt, and all because you couldn't quite summon the bravery to save it while you had the chance. I can't let history repeat itself. I can't keep doing this to myself. I have already played my cards wrongly, and keep accidentally transmitting the wrong signal because breaking old habits is a lot harder than you'd care to admit. I don't think my soul can handle the thought that my careless, immature, outdated actions might be hurting him. I have to do something about this.

So I'm sitting down at the drawing board, and formulating the sequence of events that I hope will have the power to change everything. And I'm trying to build up the battery of emotions that will help me to instigate this change I know I simply have to make. This is my responsibility, my opportunity, my chance to prove myself, and I not only owe it to myself, I owe it to him too. And this time round I know that I can make this happen. I'm looking at myself in the mirror, and I see a warrior who's finally ready to take on what could perhaps be the most important mission of her life. I see someone brimming with unused potential, a heart bursting with hope, and a steadfast belief in the importance of what she's found and knows to be true. I see a girl who's ready to build the bridge out of her comfort zone, inspired by somebody who makes her want to be the very best version of herself. I see a girl who's starting to unlock the shackles and chains and locks that guard her heart, and is flexing her hands, getting ready to extend them out and close the distance. I see a girl powered by a strength that will carry her onwards and upwards, irrespective of what happens. And finally, I see a girl who's humble enough to admit to her mistakes and brave enough to make things right, because she knows that moments like this, and people like him, only come round once in a blue moon, and this time, she isn't going down without a fight.