A Pause

A PAUSE

I was feeling a whole host of different emotions, and I didn't know what to do. The landscape of my mood kept changing, taking me with it. I haven't felt some of those emotions in such a long time. I was naive enough to believe that I never would again, or at the very least, I wouldn't let myself feel those feelings again. But I guess something went wrong. And I wasn't feeling quite like myself. I wasn't strong enough to keep the feelings at bay. I set them free and they accumulated quickly, just like they always do, and I let them build up on top of me and push me down. The way our eyes held onto one another for those brief world stopping seconds, and spoke a million different words, wasn't enough this time. 

I called my sister for some advice, and as I recounted my tale she stopped me in my tracks, and told me to cut the negative thought circuits right now, before they spiral out of control and become too powerful. Before they make me confuse reality and my perception of it, all over again. At first I was reluctant, but I heard the wisdom embedded in her words, and the warning not to do something that would make me become a version of myself I don't really like. I decided she was right. And I decided that I needed to get out. So I went for a late afternoon walk into the city. A really long walk. All around the city.

I went to the library, and pondered all the books, and the immeasurable wealth of knowledge and words and experience encapsulated in every single one. I went to the art gallery, and I looked at every painting that intrigued me with an interest and attention to detail that I never normally seem to possess. I walked down roads I've never been down. I went to the edges of the city and back again. I looked up at the architecture surrounding me, and took in all the intricate little details embedded within their design. I felt the sun rays gently warming my face, and I admired the bright blue skies valiantly breaking through the murky grey storm clouds, victorious.

I explored places I didn't even know existed till now. I saw the city from all these different viewpoints. I stood on bridges and paused to take in all the components comprising the view. I stood under bridges, and looked up at the criss-crossing of life shooting back and forth above me. I looked at the walls and structures, and their textures, design, colours. I imagined I was a tourist, here for the first time in this city, seeing it through bright eyes, and I realised how in love I am with this city. It is so heart-achingly beautiful. I don't think I will ever stop being in love with it. It's complete perfection, every last detail.

And it's weird because I was on my own, and my feet were aching, and I was tired from lack of sleep, and it's almost exam period, and my hair was a mess, and my mind was too loud, and my heart too full of beautiful but pointless feeling. But in that moment, none of it seemed to matter. I felt so completely at peace, and utterly happy. It wasn't a significant moment. Nothing special. But everything seemed so stunning. The world seemed so incredible, in all its simplicity. It was magical. That moment, was happiness of the purest kind. The kind of happiness that asks and wants for nothing.

It's a feeling that words can't quite pin down. It's beautiful and buoyant and gorgeous, and it makes you feel like life is so precious. And we're so lucky to be alive right here, right now, in this wonderful word. It makes you feel like you can accept life's hardships, because moments like this exist somewhere within it all. They're always there, waiting to be found. And you realise that although you can never know for sure, you trust that everything is going to okay. It's all going to be just fine. You've just got to keep on going.

So as I headed back home, my head felt so clear and healthy and free and peaceful. The feelings I woke up with this morning had dispersed, and instead I felt a calm understanding and acceptance. I didn't know exactly where I was going next, or what I was going to do. I still don't know for sure. But I trust that I will find solid ground again. Sure there was a note of sadness here and there, but I believe what my sister told me. I'm only 19. I have my whole life arching out ahead of me. These times will change. There's still so much more living left to do. And one day, fate will knock on my door and all the bad luck will suddenly cease to exist, and I will understand why. Everything happens for a reason, and if it's meant to be, we'll find a way. It will work out somehow. And if it doesn't, well then I've already carried myself into the future. I've done the hardest part, the thing I was most afraid of. And there's still an awful lot that I don't know, and I can't be sure about, but one thing I do know, is that I'm strong enough to keep on guiding myself forwards from here. 

A Glass Half Full

A GLASS HALF FULL

The last couple of days I've been trying to catch my balance and reflect on my actions. How do I want to look back on this series of events, and where do I want to go from here? What do I want to do next? I've been wild, reckless, brave. I've leapt into the unknown. I've faced my fears. I've re-written the rules. I've changed the direction of my life. I've ended up on a road I didn't intend to go down. I've proven a lot of things to myself, and surprised a lot of people in the process. I've earned access to a realm where the entry is courageousness, and not a lot of people seem to have enough of it these days. I've broken free of my self-imposed restraints. I've given my life a good old shake up. I've learnt from my mistakes, and learnt a few more things about myself that I'd like to put right. I've somehow ended up not with what I necessarily wanted, but what I needed. And in addition to all of that, I've also somehow managed to acquire self-acceptance along the way too.

It's so much to happen in such a short space of time, and I'm not really sure where I've ended up, or where I'm going next. I don't even really know who I am any more, because I thought I had myself sussed, but I've only gone an shown that I'm so much more than I, and other people, ever gave myself credit for. There's this whole other side to me that I'm only just beginning to discover. A part of me that has been suppressed for far too long, and is only starting to finally be freed now. All of this wasn't supposed to happen to me. This was never meant to be my reality. I was never meant to be the one who was brave and confident. The one to force herself out of her comfort zone and face her fears. The one who did what others were too afraid to do. The one who made things happen. I never thought this time, this feeling, this moment, would come. But it has. And I was the one who made it happen. I am the one who got myself here.

Over the last few days, I have been brave enough, or maybe make that reckless and impulsive enough, to do something I have always been too afraid to do, and always assumed I never would be able to do either. I have simultaneously demonstrated my strength, weaknesses, vulnerability, maturity, bravery, confidence, assuredness, happiness, dignity, impulsiveness, as well as how much I've grown and how far I've come. And even though some may say I was greeted with defeat, I ironically feel like I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. I put myself out there, and I didn't get the outcome I was hoping for, and I found myself precariously close to the feelings of embarrassment, shame, sadness, crushing disappointment, regret, stupidity, regret. I even fell into the heart of that negativity too, just for a little while, because they were all the easiest and most obvious feelings to summon. I thought I had made myself someone to be pitied, or even avoided, and I hated it. Everything was encouraging me to feel weakness, in light of what I had done, but I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't see it that way. And I sure as hell didn't want to accept it, and that's not just because I believe everything happens for a reason.

Because sure, I may have failed and been defeated, and sure, it's a valid reason to feel all those negative feelings, and consider the whole thing to be one massive mistake, but I don't see it like that. I just cannot. Earlier today, when I was feeling a swell of those negative feelings and wishing I could turn back time and do everything differently, I decided to compile a list of reasons why I did what I did. What made me do one of the very things I've been so afraid of all my life? What would I say to justify myself and my actions? At first, I expected to come up with nothing, because it was all surely one big mistake after all. But I ended up quickly finding at least thirty different reasons as to why I did what I did. And I just could not be mad at myself for doing what I did, nor could I regret it because every single one of those reasons shared this one common theme: a young woman trying to help herself become a better person. And how on earth could I find fault in that? 

I'm not saying that I did what I did in the best way, and if I could go back and re-do it, I know I'd do that act again, I'd just conduct myself a little differently. But how can I force myself to feel like I've taken a massive step backwards, when I so vividly feel and know that I have taken myself so far forwards? Part of me wants to feel all those negative feelings, because like I said, it's easy. It's the expected reaction. It's the automatic, primitive reaction. But I've got a brain up there in that head of mind, and when given time to think, process, and put that brain to good use, I've come to realise just how much I have achieved and proven by doing this one small act of bravery. This one small act that a lot of people lack the bravery to do. So why should I feel bad for being someone who had the bravery to face her fears, step out of her comfort zone, take her life into her own hands, and just do it? Why should I put myself down, when I have so many reasons to lift myself up? In some respects, I may have lost sure, but in the things that matter most of all, I feel like I've won a million times over.

This turn of events, although unwanted, is teaching me more about myself and life, than I suspect I would have learned if the outcome had been different. I thought I knew where I needed to be, and where I needed to go. And I was right in recognising that I needed to move myself forwards. I just got the destination wrong, because it's where I find myself now, at this very precise point in time, that I realise I need to be most of all. And I don't really know what happens next, and yes I will probably still cringe at what I wish I'd done a little differently, and yes there are a few more consequences still to face. But that's okay. I can laugh at myself, I can learn from my mistakes, and I can gracefully handle the consequences of my decisions too. It was an informed and well justified choice, after all. And most importantly, I feel a blissfully blooming pride and happiness too, because from this peak of the mountain, I can see just how far I've come, how much I've grown, how much I've learnt and overcome, and I love the person I have become. And I know that whatever happens next, whatever life throws at me, or I make happen myself, I have proven how strong and brave and hard working I am, and if it's true what they say, that fate loves the fearless, well then I know that I'll be just fine.

Sail Away From The Safe Harbour

SAIL AWAY FROM THE SAFE HARBOUR

I always remember being particularly intrigued by a Mark Twain quote when I was in my early teens. It goes like this: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." At the time I was too young to fully appreciate and understand the quote and its significance. I just loved the way it sounded. I loved the boat analogy, and the idea of breaking free and venturing wherever your heart desires. The whole world, a world of possibility, hope, magnificence, all yours for the taking. I loved how the verbs explore, dream, discover were all in succession, one after another after another. I loved writing it down in my journal for safekeeping. It sounded so knowledgeable, wise, exciting to a young girl with her whole life arching out ahead of her. Yet it's only now, though, with less than a month to go till I'm twenty, that I find I actually resonate with the quote on an even deeper level than I ever did before.

Although my years on this planet are less than most, and in theory I'm only really just getting started, I've already experienced or done things that have left me some what disappointed. I already know the feeling. I know what it's like. There are moments when I wish I'd acted differently, actions I wish I had taken, words I wish I'd said, and a part of me will probably always wonder what might have happened if I'd had the courage to do all those things. What might my life be like if I had? These things don't rest over me like a heavy weight on my shoulders, nor do I necessarily regret them, as I believe that everything happens for a reason. But when these things happen, it's enough of a shock to the system to make you certain that if possible, you'd really much rather they didn't happen again. That feeling of hopelessness. Helplessness. Of looking back over your shoulder and seeing all those things you wish you'd done differently. It's horrible. It takes months, years to get over, and a lot of soul searching to finally find closure. When you're young, you don't imagine there will ever be anything you wish you'd done differently. The idea of regret does't seem to factor into any aspect of your life, because what is there to regret? How could you ever put a foot wrong? How could you ever let someone important to you leave with the ease of raindrops falling between your fingertips? You just never think these things will happen. But they do.

When these things happen, although in quantity they may be little, in terms of reverberations, these missed opportunities have the magnitude of an earthquake, with rippling seismic waves thundering out across the plains of your life. They have the power to change everything, and they do change everything too. When it happened to me, I knew in the moment that although I couldn't promise that this would never happen again, if ever a moment should come around again, an opportunity to take the steering wheel of your life and make a left or a right turn, with one of those turns capable of changing your life forever, I knew that I would do all I could to ensure I didn't let it pass me by. If I had a chance to save a moment, save an opportunity, save myself, a chance to change my life, I would take it. I would say yes, I would say whatever words I needed to say, string together as many actions as I could, do whatever I could to make sure that I took that road and see where it led. 

The worst missed opportunities, and the ones remembered best, are those that had the potential to completely alter and change your life. The ones that don't come around very often, and if you aren't the right kind of person when that chance comes around, and you're full of fear, anxiety, worry, and lacking confidence and belief, these opportunities are frustratingly easy to let slip away. They're the kind of moments that come once in a blue moon, and the sense of momentousness is so startling, so vivid, that it can leave you paralysed and submerged with emotion. It also takes an awful lot of courage and confidence to seize these moments too, which is what perhaps makes them so intimidating and important in the first place. You will dream of taking the chance, taking the leap into the unknown, and you want to meet this future so bad, but something always seems to stop you. You want to be the kind of person who can take those chances and opportunities. The kind of person who can make their dreams come true. But often the thing that's holding you back most of all, is yourself. 

As time has passed by, and as I've grown older and wiser and stronger, and more sure of myself, I've been able to reflect on these missed chances, and why they happened, and figure out what I want to do to make sure they never happen again. In a way, I think I've always known the answer. The solution to most of my problems in life, has always been to confront the things I fear most, step out of my comfort zone, address my insecurities. Take that fear, seize that fear, and most importantly, use it productively and positively. Over the years, many things have eluded me because of fear. I'm a worrier, an over-thinker, over-analytical, and fear is like a fuel. It allows these things to become bigger than they should be, and I find myself encased within it all, looking for an exit route that I can never seem to find. I sit by and watch my life plateauing. I sit by and see these chances and opportunities come and go. I sit by and see everyone else diving into the deep end, whilst I'm too afraid to even dip my toe in the water. 

I don't remember the turning point, or when or where it came, but I remember it was in the aftermath of the biggest and most important missed opportunity I've experienced so far in my life. I'd been moping around and lamenting my loss for a while, and I just couldn't shake the cloying feeling. I was looking for things to blame, too afraid to admit that the one with the most responsibility for the regretful turn of events was myself. I knew things had to change, and it wasn't long after that I had this sudden realisation that I could do something. I could actually make things happen. Give fate a nudge and life a shake and tilt the odds in my favour, if only for a little while. I could look fear in the eye and leave my comfort zone behind me. I could do things I was afraid of. I could take my life into my own hands and consciously choose to make those all important life altering decisions. I could do all of these things, and all it would take, was a little bit of impulsiveness, confidence, bravery, and belief. I was just so tired of giving in to fear and worry and uncertainty all the time, and letting all those negative emotions rule roost over my life. I was tired of sinking into the background. Tired of watching and not doing. Tired of waiting for chances that never came. Tired of tying myself to that safe harbour when what I really wanted most of all, was to be free. Fearless. Maybe a little reckless. Bold. Brave. Courageous. See what might lie beyond the periphery of my comfort zone.

Even though the fear I felt was immeasurable, the first time I really consciously made a decision to break out of my comfort zone and not only create, but seize a life changing opportunity, I remember the pride I felt was immense. I was utterly astounded at what I had managed to achieve. Amazed that I had all this potential stored up inside of me, and I had never chosen to utilise it till now. It didn't even feel like me, or to be more accurate, it felt like I had discovered and freed a part of myself that had been suppressed and silenced for too long. Far too long. In a way, it was like getting to know myself all over again, and it was lovely because although the actions and consequences were testing, and they didn't turn out quite as I would have liked, they were quite literally life changing. Although they didn't change my life, importantly, they changed me. Made me realise that I can do whatever I set my mind to. That I have the confidence to step out of my comfort zone. That I have everything I need to live my life exactly how I want to. That I can take charge of my own life. That I can feel the fear inside me and jump anyway. I can be that kind of person. I am that kind of person. 

I only fully appreciated just how far I've come, and how much I've changed, when I was speaking on the phone to my ma about something, the other night. An opportunity had arose, one of those special kinds of opportunity, and I wanted to seize it. I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to be bold and brave and fearless, and I knew that this was the right time. The right thing to do, even if again I didn't end up changing my life. I was telling my ma about my plans, and my reasons, and it was so peculiar, because she just could not see where I was coming from. She thought I was bonkers. Insane. Crazy. Wondering what on earth was coming out of my mouth. Tried to talk me out of it, and even when I tried to explain to her the feeling, that urge to sail away from the safe harbour, she just could not understand it. And it was then that I realised the difference between us. I am becoming someone who is learning to feel the fear inside me and doing whatever it is I'm afraid of anyway. Someone who makes things happen. Someone who's sure of herself, what she needs, what she can give. Someone who has learnt to recognise those golden opportunities when they come along, and seize them. Someone who is strong and mature enough to deal with the consequences of her decisions. My attitude, my opinions, my beliefs, my behaviour, my thought processes, they've all completely changed. I've grown as a person, and that feeling is pretty wild and wonderful, and completely and utterly mind blowing.

So as I sign off, I'd like to leave you dear readers with a few parting words, in the hopes that they might inspire you to sail away from your own safe harbour too. Fear is the biggest pain the in arse you will ever know. It is your worst enemy, but it is also your greatest friend. When amazing opportunities arise, when special, life changing moments come your way, and you feel fear brewing inside of you. When there's that conflict between your head and your heart, what's the scary thing to do, what's the safe thing to do, do I jump, or do I not. When it feels like everything is spinning so fast that you can't see straight and you don't know which path to choose. I urge you to do these three things: 1) Think about it, weigh up the pros and cons, ask yourself if it's what you really want (& you will know!). 2) Keep the idea in the forefront of your mind and mull it over for a period of time, do the groundwork to prepare for the change, keep an eye on life and fate and spy your perfect chance. 3) When the right moment comes, and you're freaking out with fear, take a deep breath, calm your mind, and do it. No time is ever really the right time, and life is very selective with the chances it aims your way, so when you know what you want and you find a chance to make it reality, go for it. You can do it. Make it happen. Explore. Dream. Discover. There's a whole other world waiting out there when you do.

(and for the record, I did the scary thing in the end, and if I can do it, then you can definitely do it too! Good luck!)

Pockets of Beauty

POCKETS OF BEAUTY

Recently I made another trip down to London. The second visit of the year. I'm extremely lucky that I get to go down to London as often as I do, and the frequency of visits will probably soar sky high come September, when my lil sis makes the big move down there in pursuit of her dream to work on the West End. When I was little, I never imagined that I would one day consider London as being a home of sorts, nor could I imagine that one day I would walk across the scope of the city with a sense of familiarity. That all the roads and landmarks would one day intersect to form a personal map in the depths of my mind. That the hustle and bustle would one day excite, electrify, energise. That I would feel a part of the city, almost like a long lost friend that comes and goes as she pleases. That I would uncover some of its secrets and be able to pass on my new found knowledge to others. That I would be considerably less afraid of catching the tube (though those sliding doors still terrify me). That I would turn away from the typical landmarks and tourist attractions, and instead be filled with the desire and confidence to discover the hidden pockets of beauty, joy, pride. magnificence also dotted across the city.

With big cities like London, I always find that I flit between a state of feeling like I've seen everything there is to see, knowing everything there is to know, and then feeling like I've got that assumption very, very wrong. To feel like I've seen it all, is to feel safe and secure in my knowledge and experience. It's a way of feeling in control, and confident, almost like taming a wild beast I suppose. Or on the converse, it's a way of compressing the sheer magnitude and scale of the city down into a compact portable size that I can just about manage to get my head around. Sometimes, I guess big is too big. Other times though, I realise that if London was a treasure map, and I've been tasked with ticking off the treasures and wonders it beholds one by one, I've only really just gotten started. And it's only then, that I start to realise just how big this city is, and the sheer depths, levels, mechanics comprising it. Sometimes, it feels like the city is never ending, infinite, the beating heart of the world. It's vastness and infinity frightens me, to an extent. Not knowing where one thing ends and another begins. Not knowing the limits, the boundaries, every possible road name, every possible landmark. Not knowing all the key factors listed in the manual to operating one of the biggest cities in the world.

Yet there are times when that vastness intrigues me, captivates me, hooks me in and captures my attention and curiosity. The not knowing is an intoxicating joy, because it gives me this passport to discover and explore as far as the eye can see. I want to find all those secrets. I want to walk down every street and drink in the atmosphere, marvel at its architecture, observe the people living their lives, take note of the little characteristic details, and the different purposes and significance each street assumes for itself. I want to keep walking and walking until my legs give way, because there is just so much to see, appreciate, absorb. So many things that I know already, and are somewhat familiar, and so many things that I don't even know about yet. With a big city like London, it's easy to assume that everything has already been seen, done, appreciated. What I love is the challenge of defying that assumption. Being the one to notice those minor little details that are often overlooked by those that know the city too well, or those that are simply looking in all the wrong places. Being the one to recognise and appreciate the under-appreciated, the overlooked, the forgotten about. It makes me really happy, as does it make the city even more intriguing, creating that pull to want to go back and find out more and more.

Every time I go, I always come back with an archive full of photographs of wonderful little things, moments, scenes, landscapes, that I've noticed, and one of the best parts of the whole experience, is being able to share them with other people. Inspire other people to visit the city and experience it all for themselves. To look with more curious and open eyes. To really take in the world around them and every last detail. To appreciate what a wonderful, amazing, diverse, eclectic city London is. And most importantly, find their own reasons to love and celebrate the city, and what it means to them.

http://www.visitlondon.com/

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IN THE CITY...

Beginnings, Promises & Changes

BEGINNINGS, PROMISES & CHANGES

I've been waiting a long time, or at least that's how it feels. An ending with no sight of a beginning. The sun set over the horizon and the stars illuminated the sky and life carried on and I kept moving onwards. I found myself in places I'd never been to. I met so many different people with stories unbound. I struck a deal with life, and in a gradual metamorphose of transformation we changed who I was for the better. I took the lessons and experiences aligned on my path and used them to build myself up. I didn't know what I was working towards, or where I was going, nor did I know what might await me on the winding pathway of life. Sometimes I fell to my knees in frustration. Other times it was the rain of tears. When you're continually working towards an elusive endpoint, it can be difficult to sustain motivation. The temptation to veer off the road is tantalising at times. But somehow you find the strength to carry on.

Then one day, a day just like any other embedded in the time scale of a week, a month, a year, something changed. It always does, and a blank page is suddenly flooded with colour, possibility, hope. You feel a glittering spark of life aflame inside your heart, and you know right then that this is a beginning. Something special has begun. And when the latency between an end and a beginning is so long, you come to appreciate the beauty of beginnings in a much more acute and perceptive way. The feeling is like pure magic, revitalising your soul like nothing else can. When he walked in to my life, he took the back entrance and worked his way up into the consciousness of my mind. The first time I met him, I was magnetised by his eyes. Eyes painted with the jewelled tones of a summer leaf intertwined with golden corn, a smattering of oak bark and flecks of a distant grey cloud in the distance. And at the very heart of those beautiful eyes, a glistening star that never seemed to cease sparkling, and on his face the most perfect smile that radiated a happiness I had never borne witness to, till now.

There was something familiar about him, and when he looked at me for the first time it was almost as though he knew me too. There was something special, captured and framed within a second of time, but I dismissed it. I classified it as a figment of an unrestrained, overly optimistic imagination, for how could someone as wonderful as him see something mirrored within me too? So I carried on walking, blissfully unaware of my error. Some considerable time passed before the winds of change picked up pace again, and released two flailing translucent arms to coil around him and I, and gradually bring us back to each other once more. The light bulb of him and I began flickering and spluttering light. Then one day, it suddenly burst into a gorgeous glow, complied of the warmest, most beautiful tendrils of light. And that is when things truly began, and the multitude of puzzle pieces began to slot into place one by one. What was once a blur evaporated into the most vivid clarity.

He had a gravitational pull that seemed to encircle my world and guide me closer to him, and in his pocket was a pathway full of promises. He ignited the horizon with warmth, light, hope, goodness, and I knew that I would have waited a million more years for this moment, if that's what the fates had instead decided. All my life I have been waiting for this person, and I believe that they are now finally here. And if it hadn't been now, it would have been another time, almost as though the constellations of our fates were irrefutably linked.What did't make sense before, suddenly did, because I finally understood that things had to fall apart so that this, in all its glory, could fall into place. What I had previously believed simply had to be impossible, had now come true. And it was priceless. Incredible. I had dreamed of this moment for so many years, and ridden the rollercoaster of life with all its many ups and downs, just so that I could get to this one very precise point in time. It was a pursuit fuelled only be the relentless optimism of my heart.

And so now that I have reached this moment, I am faced with one last hurdle I must overcome, because I have a twinkling instinctive notion that I need to keep him close to me. I need to give him a reason to stay, and an opportunity to delve into the unknown with me to see what we can find. And I so desperately want to know him, and I am too impatient to wait for life to give me chances that may never even come around. I already know too well what it's like to helplessly watch something you care about vanish through your fingers at the speed of a lightning bolt, and all because you couldn't quite summon the bravery to save it while you had the chance. I can't let history repeat itself. I can't keep doing this to myself. I have already played my cards wrongly, and keep accidentally transmitting the wrong signal because breaking old habits is a lot harder than you'd care to admit. I don't think my soul can handle the thought that my careless, immature, outdated actions might be hurting him. I have to do something about this.

So I'm sitting down at the drawing board, and formulating the sequence of events that I hope will have the power to change everything. And I'm trying to build up the battery of emotions that will help me to instigate this change I know I simply have to make. This is my responsibility, my opportunity, my chance to prove myself, and I not only owe it to myself, I owe it to him too. And this time round I know that I can make this happen. I'm looking at myself in the mirror, and I see a warrior who's finally ready to take on what could perhaps be the most important mission of her life. I see someone brimming with unused potential, a heart bursting with hope, and a steadfast belief in the importance of what she's found and knows to be true. I see a girl who's ready to build the bridge out of her comfort zone, inspired by somebody who makes her want to be the very best version of herself. I see a girl who's starting to unlock the shackles and chains and locks that guard her heart, and is flexing her hands, getting ready to extend them out and close the distance. I see a girl powered by a strength that will carry her onwards and upwards, irrespective of what happens. And finally, I see a girl who's humble enough to admit to her mistakes and brave enough to make things right, because she knows that moments like this, and people like him, only come round once in a blue moon, and this time, she isn't going down without a fight.

Just Keep Going

JUST KEEP GOING

Recently I've been feeling a bit iffy. I've tried numerous times this last week to write the feeling out of my system, but I could never quite seem to put it into words. And every time I reached a somewhat happy and content conclusion, and felt fine and dandy about everything again, my mood would come plummeting down a few hours later. I guess it felt like every time I wrote, I was being dishonest. I couldn't say I was feeling okay about everything, when I really wasn't. And I couldn't give out advice, when I wasn't really taking it myself. When I write on here, I always want to write the truth, and if for whatever reason I feel like I'm not, I just can't seem to summon the will to press publish. I don't want to lie to you, dear readers, and I don't want to lie to myself.

Earlier this week, I was feeling a whole host of conflicting emotions, and instigating these battles in my own mind which I didn't know how to win. I felt really down about everything, even though in theory I had nothing to feel sad about, and it was like I had a ticking emotional time bomb within me just waiting for the perfect moment to explode. It was all the changes and the pressures and the worries and the confusion and the pessimism and the heightened emotions, and to be quite frank, I just felt awful. I was fine around other people, because socialising seems to spark my soul alight and make me feel so happy and fulfilled that it sometimes even surprises me. But whenever I was left on my own, it wasn't so great. It's like adding to the fire that you know has the potential to burn down everything, even though you desperately don't want to, and I guess I just felt like I was at a complete loss. Blinded to the light by my own negativity.

But then a couple of days ago, things seemed to start turning around. I went to this brilliant confidence workshop, and it made me start questioning my thought processes, and the underlying fears I have. Furthermore, it stimulated this motivating desire to finally make the positive changes that I so desperately need, as well as think of things I could do to contribute to that. The best thing though, was that I felt like I could actually do it all too. I felt empowered. Like the new found knowledge and understanding I had learnt was just the currency I needed to make that change happen, and I left feeling a million times better than I did before (and that's not just because of the free cookies I had too). I felt like I finally understood myself properly, and and why I am the way I am, and how I can be a better version of that. Weirdly enough, it also tied in with some efforts I had already begun making, in an attempt to help re-do my thought processes and the beliefs from which they stem. It sounds kind of peculiar, but it made me feel like I was on the right track, doing the right things, thinking the right kind of ideas, and like fate was giving me a supportive tap on the back, urging me forwards.

And then yesterday came, and yesterday felt like a turning point. All these small but positive things kept happening. Just little insignificant things that together had the power to tip me completely over into positivity. Little things that you become far more perceptive to, when you're in need of those pockets of encouragement to brighten the skies of your mind. All I kept thinking of was these lyrics from a Paramore song that goes "Things are looking up, oh finally", and I felt this calming reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Or at least for the foreseeable future. And that felt like enough. More than enough. Everything was falling back into place again, and I knew I was regaining control. Some of the wonderful little things were of my own doing, instigated by those words of wisdom that you should be the change you wish to see in the world. Because after all, it's your life, and you have the power to make it whatever you want it to be. Other wonderful little things were inspired by talking to others, and working some things out, reverberating ideas back and forth. And the remaining little wonderful things were completely beyond my control, and I like to think that fate had a hand somewhere along the way. Because as much as we champion doing things for ourselves, making things happen by ourselves, we all need a little helping hand every now again, and it often comes when we least expect it. You never know what little moment of happiness is waiting around the corner. And if that isn't the best incentive to keep going, I'm not really sure what is.

So as I finally feel like I'm back on top of things, I feel like I can write to you with honesty and integrity, and truthfully tell you that although my life may not be perfect, and it is thoroughly laced with imperfections, as am I, I'm happy. I feel a tentative but glowing optimism, and I'm very thankful. So as I sign off, I'd just like to leave you with some final little words of wisdom, in the hopes that they might help you if you've been feeling a similar way too.

Much love.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

001. It always seems impossible till its done.

002. Everything happens for a reason.

003. Que sera, sera.

004. Be nice to yourself. It's hard to be happy when someone's mean to you all the time.

005. Change is the essence of life.

006. Just keep going. Things will get better.

007. Having a rough day? Put your hand over your heart. Feel that beating? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up.

008. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.

009. Happiness is not the absence of problems. It's the ability to deal with them.

010. Every day is a new beginning,  so take a deep breath and start again.

An Outfit A Day #2

AN OUTFIT A DAY #2

I thought it was about time I did another 'An Outfit A Day' post after the last post I did way back in January, was actually rather successful (much to my complete and utter surprise). I didn't think anybody would care about what I choose to wear every day, or intrigued enough about my personal style. Yet it turns out that some of you lovely dear readers were, so thank you a million times over. You know how to make an already prone to blushing girl, blush even more with happiness. Ever since that first post, I've been continuing to make a conscious effort to take a picture of my outfit before I leave for the day. Just before I'm about to leave, typically in a late, bumbling, forgetful rush, I pick up my beloved little compact camera and take a snapshot of what I'm wearing, then I'm gone, gone, gone right out the door and blown away on the breeze.

As with the last post, 99% of the time I don't take the photographs with an ulterior motive. It's just in that particular moment, I feel an overwhelming need to capture this very particular outfit in all its glory. I never know if it will make it on to a blog post or not, but that doesn't even matter. All that matters, is that I have physical evidence that on that day, I was wearing a socially acceptable outfit that not only reflected my own personal style to a T, but also could possibly be somewhat stylish. Or at least enough so to not make people squint their eyes in sheer shock. But once again, the photographs soon mount up, and at some point I decided another post was definitely on the cards, so voilà here were are. 

In the photographs you can probably see that there's certain recurring pieces that always seem to pop up, or particular stylistic choices that I always seem to be drawn too. For me personally, it totally blows my mind seeing what I wear in a format such as this, because I dress myself so absent-mindedly that I often don't take a moment to fully appreciate the outfit I've constructed, or the common themes that always seem to arise in my outfit choices. You don't realise that you're subconsciously always leaning towards certain pieces of clothing, or prone to wearing you clothes in a very particular and distinctive way. Yet when you see all this photographic evidence before you, it suddenly becomes very apparent. For example, this time round I've loved wearing my black chunky boots with black leggings or jeans, in order to make my legs look a little bit longer. I've been wearing my black high waisted H&M trousers to death, always making sure I tuck my top into it so I can accentuate my figure. I'm still doing the ankle boots and Doc Martens combo, because I am yet to invest in more normal length socks. I've been choosing more neutral colour palettes, and trying to keep things minimal and simplistic, as inspired by my lil sis who is something of a born again fashionista. The silver hoop earrings are always a permanent feature now, as is my Zara trench or H&M leather jacket, and interestingly I've been expressing my creativity more through my necklace and shoe choices. 

It still amazes me to see how my style has evolved over the years. I often laugh with friends and family who bore witness to my teenage years, and the horrendous stylistic choices I blindly made. I can't look at old photographs without wanting to melt into the ground in a puddle of embarrassment, or instead time travel to younger me and get her to really properly look in a mirror, and question her life choices. Some of the most important things I've learnt fashion-wise over the years, are to 1) work out what suits, complements and accentuates your figure, 2) within the clothes that suit you, what designs best represent your personality, the version of you you want to express, align with the inspiration you gather from the world around you, 3) don't be afraid to experiment with outfit combinations, and 4) be confident with what you wear. I used to think people were talking proper bs when they said that confident is the best accessory, but it turns out they aren't. If you wear clothes that make you feel like a gangsta' killa' sassy b.o.s.s, then externalise that confidence and take it with you wherever you go. Walk the walk of an individual who believes in their fabulousness and knows how damn sassy they look right now. With every footstep forward, convey the message that you not only know exactly who you are, but that you love who you are wholeheartedly in all your perfection and imperfection too. Life's waaaaay too short to worry if that woman over there thinks you need to invest in some socks that cover your ankles, or that guy thinks your eyebrows are too fierce, or if that person is wondering why you thought it was a good idea to match stripes with florals and a pair of tassled ankle boots too. At the end of the day, the opinions of others don't matter. It's all about you, and celebrating how amazing you are. And don't you 4get it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HERE WE GO...