Goodbye Summer

GOODBYE SUMMER

All summer long I have known that I would write this post. I have been waiting months for this moment to finally come around, and now that it's here, I can't  help but feel a little bit bittersweet. On the one hand, I'm feeling so grateful and content with this brilliant, incredible, life changing summer I've experienced. On the other hand, I'm so sad that it's now finally over. Similarly, I can't quite believe that I'm going back to Manchester for the third time, ready to get on with doing the third year of my course. When did that happen? How did I get to this point? Even though this summer has felt quite literally infinite, at the same time it feels like it has gone in the blink of an eye. In spite of having lived it as fully as I possibly could, I still don't feel like I've done enough. Seen enough. Appreciated it all enough. Today the weather in Manchester is so beautiful. Sunny, warm, bright, golden, with a hint of autumn mixed in for good measure. It feels a little bit like Groundhog Day, and this summer has been caught in a time loop all along. And now it's time to reset back to the very start and let it happen all over again, exactly like this forever more. 

This summer has honestly been the best one I've ever experienced in my whole entire life. I can't think of any summer that has been better than this one. From the start right through to the end, it has been one heck of an amazing rollercoaster ride, jammed full with so much fun, love, happiness, excitement. Summers like this don't usually happen to me. Back in March time, the very thought of this summer absolutely terrified me. Three and a half months of nothing stretched out before me and although the prospect of doing nothing was somewhat appealing, at the same time, I'm a rather restless individual and I can only take it easy for so long. I instinctively yearn for something, whatever that something may be. I can't sit still for too long. I don't want to sit still for too long. I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I get bored. I think too much. I feel trapped. My soul feels so-so. My excitement and passion for life relaxes. My urge to get off my backside and do something, anything, sparks up like a wildfire and burns like one too.

I remember I spent hours and hours researching things I could do this summer. Once the fear of having nothing to do was embedded in my mind, I couldn't think of anything else except that. Looking back now, I can't believe how stressed out I was about making this summer into something special. But in some respects, that fear and anxiety was the perfect motivator. It prompted me to seek out opportunities I've previously been too afraid to seize. It made me do the things I've always wanted to do. It has helped me to broaden my horizons and take note of all the amazing possibilities out there. It made me become impulsive and braver and more creative. It ignited a desire to make things happen. It led me to all these wonderful people who have changed me more than they will ever know. It helped me to take control of my life and it helped me to really find myself, and understand the kind of person I am. And to me, that's pretty incredible.

All summer long it's felt like I've been making it up as I go along. Piece by piece I was constructing my summer and it's only now, at the finish line, that I look back and see what a masterpiece I ended up making. This summer was my summer in the truest sense. It has felt like a personal adventure, focused on me and what I want. A time to learn about myself. A time to realise what I want. A time to grow, learn, better myself. A time to explore. A period of absolute freedom, and devoting myself to the things that make me feel happy and fulfilled and excited to be alive. 

I took some of my savings from my Bluboca store and booked a short holiday to Prague, after meeting a guy from the Czech Republic who spoke so highly of his beautiful home city. I learnt about Czech culture and tried trdelnik. I volunteered at the Stroke Association, leading group and 1:1 sessions with service users. I spent quality time with my Nana and Grandad, going for walks in the countryside, eating Nana's Spanish omelettes and empanadas, encouraging my Grandad to write his book. I discovered new eateries in Derby, including The Carnero Lounge and Milk & Honey Deli. I painted glass bottles and gave them as gifts. I read books about love, Buddhism, cooking, the human body, Patti Smith. I watched Glastonbury on the BBC. I voted to stay in the EU, and then felt that peculiar uncertainty, upon waking up to find out we'd left instead.

I stayed in a wooden lodge in Bangor and went on a day trip to Anglesey. I collected pocketfuls of shells, ate fish and chips, and felt the wind blowing wildly through my hair. I went on a big family holiday to the Forest of Dean. I went on a day trip to Liverpool with my sister. I went out clubbing in Nottingham for my friend's 20th birthday. I went walking in the Peak District with two of my best guy friends, and I forgot to lock the loo door when we stopped off at a pub for a drink, and subsequently had a stranger walk in on me mid pee. I visited my oldest friend in Portsmouth, stopping over in London on the way. I tried McDonalds apple pie. We went on a late night visit to the beach and walked along the seafront. We bought all the frozen cocktails in Tesco and had 1am Mcflurries and an early morning trip to Ikea. We made cakes and binge watched TV and went clubbing in Popworld. I tried Kylie Jenner's lipgloss and accidentally smeared it all over my chin, and a random girl in the club loo helped me to wipe it all off.

I became an emotional wreck after watching Pretty Little Liars (still not over that finale). I watched Bake Off and discovered the absolutely brilliant Gilmore Girls. I began drinking Mochas. I went on a mini pub crawl with my Dad. I watched Bridget Jones's Baby with my Mum and laughed so hard I almost wet myself. I went on a steam train and sat on a bench overlooking the point where Wales and England meet. I started wearing a watch after 6 years refusing to point blank. I became the proud owner of the most gorgeous pair of red leather boots you've ever seen. I went on holiday to Rome with my family, and saw the Colosseum, Palatine Hill, Piazza Navona, the Trevi Fountain, the Spanish Steps, and all these other incredible sights. I ate authentic Italian pizza and pasta and so. much. gelato, and made friends with a Sicilian restaurant owner who subsequently gave us free Sicilian dessert wine. I fed pigeons and saw the Pope in real life, and I watched Spectre at an outside cinema and we were sat right where the race scene occurs on the banks of the River Tiber.

I had a picnic in the park with one of my old friends, and we listened to good music and talked and laughed and lay under the beautiful sunshine feeling so happy and content. I shared three pitchers at Spoons with my friend and couldn't sit upright in my chair after. I discovered the amazingness of red wine. I volunteered at a stammering conference in Manchester and met so many inspirational people. I helped out a leading stammering specialist and she gave me a copy of her new book for free. I listened to Ed Balls give a talk. I went for a gorgeous Indian meal with my friend and after we had late night pudding and we had to walk back because we were so stuffed. I cooked dinner with a couple of my old housemates. I watched the Ab Fab movie and ate Chinese cream buns. I stayed in Manchester for a week with my sister and we watched 3 Disney films in a row and ate chickpeas and ice cream and pizza. I went to Teacup Kitchen and tried rainbow cake. I had my picture taken beside The Beatles statue. I had my sister's friends come stay at my house and took them sightseeing around the city. 

I went to Cloud 23 at night and saw Manchester aglow. I went to Chatsworth, and Anne Hatheway's house in Stratford. I saw Kelly from Corrie in a Sainsburys Local. I helped my sister move into her new house in London and cried more times than I care to admit. I listened to Radio 2 live whilst sat in Hyde Park in the sunshine, talking to a topless old man who was sunbathing next to me. I watched Finding Dory. I grew my hair out. I watched James Bay perform live at my beloved Castlefield Bowl. I passed all my exams and made it to 3rd year. I volunteered at a kids camp and spent the week working alongside the most brilliant group of people, helping all these brilliant, gorgeous, amazing kids have the holiday they deserve. I bough my first tent and camped for the first time. I sat by the bonfire. I read Harry Potter and with all the voices too. I looked after a group of children and made them smile, laugh, wiped away their tears, had these bonkers, crazy, imaginative conversations, played games and drew and made countless scoobies with them. I acquired the nickname Ronaldo, with my accomplice being Messi, and I let all his goals in so that he would win. I explored a cave that was so high up we could see all the Peaks stretching out around us. 

I went swimming and got dunked an endless amount of times. I visited Buxton and bought caramel shortbread. I took part in a talent show and had a giant ice cream with raspberry sauce and sprinkles and I led a craft challenge and made some really wonderful friends. I volunteered at Just So Festival and camped in the rain. I painted signs, I gathered firewood, I ate like a Queen, I helped unpack 10 crates of Soreen. I got sunburn, I wore a flower crown and so. much. glitter. I did heavy lifting and helped put boats into a lake. I taught people how to make paper lanterns and laughed till I cried with a festival-goer who had a knack for innuendos. I danced in a marquee filled with strobe lights and mist and ribbons and lanterns. I met so many brilliant people from all over the country and made what I hope will be lifelong friendships. I ate the best porridge I've ever had in my life. I had a sleepover with two of my best friends, which involved crisps, prosecco, old dance show DVDs, pancakes, cakes and a last minute trip to ASDA. I went with my best friend to drop our other best friend off at the airport, seeing her off as she began her new life in Paris.

I acquired dodgy stripey tan lines on my feet. I finished one notebook and started another, and my drawing has improved too. I created graphic designs for uni friends. I met up with an old school friend I haven't seen in four years and had a good old catch up. I saw one of my old primary school friends who is just as bonkers as I am, and we laughed so hard and came up with all these crazy ideas and talked absolute nonsense, and it was amazing. I went for late night walks and spent all day in my pyjamas and discovered the Before... film trilogy and drank rose in the garden and went on impulsive nights out in town. I did so many things. I learnt so many things. I discovered so many things. I met so many people. I made an infinite amount of memories. I spent so much quality time with people I love and care about so very much. I laughed so hard and talked so much. I explored my own country and visited new ones. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I did things I never thought I could do. I followed my heart. I challenged myself. I lived my life to the full.

When I think back to the start of this summer, I don't even feel like the same person any more. That person, great as she was, feels more like a memory now. So much has happened between then and now, and I'm absolutely perplexed that I did so much in such a short space of time. So much living and experiencing. This summer has felt like a gift I've given to myself, and without doubt I have cherished and appreciated every single second, as much as I possibly could. Something has changed inside me this summer, and I know that I am all the better for it. After all, a spark is all you need to start a fire. So summer 2016, what more can I say except thank you, from the depths of my heart and soul for every little thing. You have made me happy beyond my wildest dreams, I will cherish you always, and I now feel ready to face life and the challenges before me, with a new faith, hope, confidence and determination. And for that I always be so very grateful.