Looking For Love In The Wrong Places

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Yesterday morning I was woken up by a phone call from my grandparents. They were just calling to see how my first week at uni has been. It was such a small gesture, but I couldn't help be so moved and touched by it. That they had woken up early and taken the time to pick up the phone and see how I am. Even though it was such a simple thing to do, it meant the absolute world to me, and it made me feel so incredibly grateful to have these wonderful, caring, loving people in my life. It made me wonder how I ever got so lucky to have my Nan and Grandad as my grandparents, as my family. I also thought about how my Grandad recently told me about his secret dreams and ambitions, words he has never spoken to another, and how much it meant to me, that he had such trust and faith in me to feel brave enough to do that. And it then got me thinking about my Mum, who has been sending me texts every few days letting me know what she's been up to, making sure I have enough money in my bank account, seeing how I am. It also made me think of the numerous phone calls we've already had this week alone, just checking in on one another as time and distance separates us once again. How even though we can wind each other up the wrong way and have our disagreements, the fundamental underlying emotion is always love, no matter what happens, no matter what we do. How lucky I am to have a mother like that.

I thought about my Dad, and the little lovely texts he likes to send me every once in a while. How we check in with one another on Facebook and support one another as we go about living our lives. What an amazing Dad he has been to me throughout my life, and how I couldn't have asked for better. How lucky I am to have been raised by a strong, fierce, loving mother and a father who exudes kindness and love and has a heart of pure gold. And then I thought about my sister, and how hard it was for us to say goodbye to one another, how strong and special and powerful our relationship is, how even though I'm in the north west and she's in the south east, our connection only grows in strength. We've called each other every other day, we text or facebook almost every day, and we still manage to hold onto one another and keep each other close, even with all this distance between us. And afterwards I thought about my family, and how even though right now we're spread out across all corners of the country, we're all fighting to keep those bonds alive and strong and well. It makes me realise that family is not the home you live in, the physical presence of people, the blood in your veins or the DNA that makes your being. It's those valuable, priceless, unbreakable connections formed between you all, creating a unique network of love, support and care. 

And all of these thoughts made me start to realise what a broad and rich emotion love is. How it isn't just the romantic kind. How it's so much more varied than we are led to believe. Love is a spectrum with a whole host of variants and deviants comprising it. During my childhood, I was surrounded by the love of my family, who raised and nurtured me and helped me find my footing in this big crazy world. But my youth and infancy meant I never really noticed or appreciated that love. I unconsciously demanded it, was lucky enough to receive it, and therefore came to expect it. When I became a teenager, I still didn't really appreciate, notice or recognise the love that already surrounded me from friends and family. Instead I overlooked it, and fabricated the notion that love is a romantic emotion shared by two people who are attracted to one another and want to be with one another. In my mind, that was love, and so that was what I sought and pursued. Because if that was the only definition and form of love, then it meant that I was severely lacking it in my own life. The love from an external person. Someone who wasn't already in my immediate circle. 

Throughout my teenage years, I was so preoccupied with finding that external love, that I failed to recognise the fact that I was already the recipient of so much love from those around me. I thought I needed love in the same way I needed air, water, food. And I thought it didn't count unless it was the romantic kind of love. So as a result of that, I was often unhappy and a little bit lost, yearning, unsatisfied, empty, disillusioned, frustrated, confused. My life was never really complete, I was never really complete, and it was never going to be complete until I found that one particular kind of love that I was seeking. It has only be in the last couple of years, that my perspective and opinion has changed. Maybe it's because I've grown up and matured. Maybe it's because I've experienced and learnt and seen new things. Maybe it's because I moved to a new city and opened up my world and allowed it to grow. Maybe it's because I've met so many new people. I don't know. But somewhere along the way, I began to realise that my idea of what love wasn't quite right.

And I came to realise that love is so varied, even in all it's romantic, platonic, familial forms. The love you receive from one person is not the same as the love of another, and the love you give is different each and every time. I came to realise that romantic love is not the only love out there, and that likewise romantic love is not necessarily the love I need to feel whole and complete and at peace. I came to realise that in seeking out that one very precise kind of love, I had failed to recognise and appreciate the love that has always been there for me all along, and how that alone is more than enough love for anybody. I had essentially been looking for love in all the wrong place, and it's often the case that the very love you seek is the one that's right there under your nose, behind your back, standing next to you. And obviously that romantic love is brilliant and powerful and special and electrifying and important. But I think that our preoccupation with it means we often disregard and neglect and ignore any other kind of love we receive. We often fail to recognise just how fantastic, gorgeous, wonderful and necessary all those other kinds of love are too.

We're so hungry for this love that everyone raves about, talks about, writes about, sings about, that kind of love that is fundamental to our existence. We think it's what we need, and to an extent, yes we do need it, but the older I get, the crazier I think it is that we devote so much time and emotion and energy into finding it. How we believe we can not even exist without it. How life is not even worth living without it. How we are not able to be ourselves and enjoy our lives without it. To me, that's absolutely absurd. It's bonkers how we moan about the lack of it. How we spend hours of our lives looking out for it and willing it into being. How we berate ourselves and we berate each other. How it turns us into someone we're not. How it blinds us and deceives us and deafens us. The day I realised that actually, although I may not have romantic love, I am instead surrounded by so many other kinds of love every single day of my life, was the day I swear my life changed for the better.

I was kicking myself that it had taken me so long to realise it. The love I receive from my family, whether it be in words, telephone calls, hugs, kisses, food, lifts into town, spending our time together, pictures. The love I receive from my friends, whether that be wanting to spend time with me, messaging one another, sharing food and tea and drinks, picking me up from the train station, driving me home, calling me to see if I'm okay, hugs, skype sessions, trusting one another, taking the mick out of another another, being there for one another through the thick and thin. When someone asks you if you had a good holiday. When you're accepted for who you are, faults and all. When someone starts calling you by your nickname instead. When someone lets you meet up with them before a party so that you don't have to go there alone. When someone does crazy dancing with you at the nightclub, and fixes your make up for you when you accidentally smudge it all over your face. When someone wants to take photographs with you and come round to see you and talk to you. When someone writes I like you on the back of your tshirt or tells you you're pretty in Hebrew or trusts you take that shot at the goal or tags you in that picture on facebook or makes you a cake for your birthday. 

Every single day we commit an act of love, in some kind of form, and we send it to another person, whether we realise it or not. It is irrepressible, fundamental, innate human nature. Every single day we experience a reminder that someone loves us and cares about us, even when we fail to realise it. It is often in the tiny little things that people do, the things we often don't even realise we're doing because it's so natural and honest and good. So I guess what I'm trying to say is even when you think you're alone and no one loves you or cares about you and everything is shit, you're wrong. So many people love you in some kind of way. So many people are doing little actions that give away how they feel inside. So many people have got your back and want you to succeed, be okay, be happy, be excited about life. So many people want you to feel like it's okay if you fall, because there's a support network that's ready to catch you. So many people care unconditionally. So many people are on your side. So many people have a little piece of you in the mosaic of their heart. And the sooner you realise all these things, the sooner you start to notice those little actions of love, the sooner you start to become more aware of just how many people love and care about you, the sooner you let your life and soul be filled to the very brim with all that gorgeous, wholesome, unfaltering love you're already receiving by the truck load, the happier you will become. The more peaceful you will become. The more content you will feel. The more alive you will feel. And the more love you will exude into the world too