Trust Yourself

TRUST YOURSELF

Today was a nice day, because it was the day I realised that actually, an awful lot has changed in the last year, and all those changes, amazingly enough, have been for the better. And I am so happy with where I am right now in my life. For the last few months or so, I've had a feeling that something different, something good, has happened. The fundamental core of who I am has had a bit of a tweak and twiddle and a shake and a shimmy. It hasn't been a major change, just a shift, but it has been enough to set the ball rolling, and that is so very, very wonderful.

The thing that made me realise that this change had happened, was my mid-placement review. As you may or may not know, I am currently on a 6 week placement as part of my course, and I'm up in East Lancashire working with adults who have had a stroke. Before I started this placement, I was absolutely dreading it. And it had nothing to do with the place or the client group. It was to do with me. For some reason, the very existence of this placement set off a whole load of worries and demons from somewhere deep inside me, and my anxiety went completely and utterly off its rocker.

I would wake up in the morning with a knot in my stomach and millions of hypothetical thoughts racing through my head. I would go to bed thinking of the many ways that my placement could go wrong. I'd get stressy at uni, feeling that panic rising in my chest and the thoughts clouding my mind, and I never told anyone. I'd just try and act normal, pretend like it wasn't there. I was petrified off messing up, letting myself down, letting my insecurities stop me from succeeding, not proving myself, not being good enough, doing everything wrong, making the same mistakes all over again. There were numerous times when I called my Mum to ask her questions, and I'd end up having a mini meltdown on the phone. It was horrible. I hated what I was doing to myself. How I was allowing my fears and insecurities to have that much of an influence on me and my life.

And it's funny because none of it was grounded in truth whatsoever. I knew in theory that I could do this placement, and I could do it well. I knew in my mind all the many things that had changed since this time last year. I knew I could stop the same mistakes happening again. I just had an awful lot of difficulty believing these things. Of trusting in myself. And that made me feel really sad, because I don't want to be my own worst enemy, my harshest critic. 

Fast forward a few weeks though, and things are very different. Isn't it funny how that's always the case? I knew as soon as I spoke to my first Clinical Educator that things were going to be different this time around. And it was all down to the way I communicated with her. There was a confidence. There was a warmth and friendliness. There was a strong sense of good intention. There was an ease and self-assuredness. There was politeness and professionalism. There was a calmness, a measured quality, a maturity. All these things that weren't there even six months ago. Evident and growing, yes, but all these individual qualities hadn't linked together to form the bigger picture, until now. It's like they've all joined up to make this big constellation, twinkling away in the sky for all to see.

And it's because of all those changes, that things on placement are going well. Really well, much to my complete surprise. Over the last few weeks I've been getting really positive feedback, but I didn't fully believe it until today, when my Clinical Educator and I sat down to discuss my progress. I was half expecting her to say, mate, we know you're trying and obviously we love the weekly update about what takeaway you had at the B&B last night, but babe you're just not cutting it. It's all going, well, a bit tits up I'm afraid. That's what I was expecting, albeit not in those words obviously. And that kind of vibe, the 'I'm afraid you're just not quite good enough', is what I'm always expecting to an extent. So it was somewhat strange to hear the complete opposite. My Clinical Educator told me that both her and my other Clinical Educator knew I was competent by my third day of placement. And as for my interpersonal skills, they were excellent with two exclamation marks. And I was like, woah, hold up, have I spontaneously gone blind or did you just put two exclamation marks there? I just could not believe it.

Numerous times over the last few weeks I've brushed over how scared I was before this placement, how hard I found last placement, and how part of me has been expecting to fail. But all those things were only the tip of the iceberg. And even that little bit of insight surprised my Clinical Educator. She couldn't believe that this was what was going on inside of me. And I guess with the way I act now, maybe you wouldn't. But instead of that being because I hide my insecurities, fears and flaws so well, I think that now, it's more to do with the fact that I'm a lot better than I ever give myself credit for. And maybe it's time I started tuning into that. I know how difficult this journey has been for me. To constantly try and fight to move forwards, and break the thought processes I established far too soon in life. So maybe it's time to start trusting myself. To celebrate my successes and allow myself to accept that I am good enough. I'm doing alright. I deserve to be proud.

It's no secret at all that my self-esteem is like that unreliable friend that bails on you whenever you thought you could count on them most. Since the age of five, it's been flaking out on me whenever it feels like it, and throwing a spanner in the works when I could really do without one. To overcome these limitations I subconsciously place upon myself, has been one heck of a meaty battle. I think I've almost come to accept that this is just the way I am, and there will always be days when I lose the battle. And that's okay. These things will happen. The most important thing is that I've always kept fighting on. I keep getting up on my feet and trying again. I fight harder. Stronger. Better. And I keep striving to take myself forwards. Pushing myself towards a happier place.

Yesterday was the moment that I fully, truly realised just how far I've come. The moment when I realised that all these positive changes have been down to me, and me alone. All the hard work, the falls, the mistakes, the pushing myself out my comfort zone, the striving to try again, to be better, to carry on. How, if I hadn't done any of those changes, then I would be half the person I am now. How my determination to become a better person, become the person I have always wanted to be, is the thing that has lead me to this place. A place where I can look in the mirror and be happy and accepting of what I see. Where I can talk to absolutely anyone and everyone, and make them smile, laugh, feel good. Where I am so at peace and one with who I am as a person. Where I can put things into perspective. Truly appreciate all the things I am so very lucky to have in my life. See the positive side of things. Be kind to myself, and encourage and believe in my potential. Work hard, and put my energies in the right places. Seek and take constructive criticism and the not so great things in lif with maturity and dignity. Be more open about my feelings and emotions. Treat others how I would like to be treated. See and feel the joy in the world. Accept and laugh about my flaws, because they make me who I am.

There's so many things. So many, many things. And I guess what I want to say most of all, is that I'm proud of myself. I am so fookin', crazy, insanely, mega proud. And I just thought you should know.

Something Like Magic

SOMETHING LIKE MAGIC

'Maybe you're like me. Maybe you were waiting in the same way I was. For that person. That light. That meaning. That reason. Wondering around and living your life, all the while taking glances over your shoulder to see if it was on the horizon. Creeping up behind you. Right there by your side. When will it come? Will it ever come? Many an hour wasted with these roundabout questions reverberating tirelessly through your mind like a record on repeat.

The solitude stops being something to fear. Something to hide. And instead becomes a friend. It's familiar, and it's comforting in many ways. You start to expect it, accept it, plan your life with it factored into the equation. And you don't mind because you can feel that it's making you stronger. Making you better. I always knew that when I loved, I wanted to love the person for whom my love was always intended. It wasn't meant for just anybody. It never was. I often wondered when, where, how I would find my love. Would I ever find it. Life works in mysterious ways, and try as I may, I always feel like I'm one step behind.

When I thought about my person, I didn't know who they would be. It felt a little bit like trying to look ahead when there's a fog on the horizon, and the rain is lashing down. You know there's something more. You can feel it. Sense it. Anticipate it. But for now it remains shrouded in mystery, and you must wait instead for the fog to blow away on the breeze, and the showers of rain to evaporate.

So maybe you were stood at one end of the road, and I at the other. And neither of us knew it. Maybe you were content and happy, but a little bit restless and impatient at the same time. Maybe you were ready to stop being alone, and leave the solitude behind you. Ready to let someone in. Strong enough to carry the weight and responsibility of love on your shoulders, in your heart, in your soul. Maybe, just maybe, we were feeling the same way all along. Wanting to be hopeful yet unable to turn a blind eye to the nagging feeling that there has to be something more than this.

If they say our hearts were split in two, so that part of our time on this Earth was spent locating the pieces of us that are missing, then why have we not found each other yet? Why are we still looking? All these questions, and no answers. Until one ordinary day we meet. And we look at each other as if to say hello. Something about you is familiar. Something about you is right. Something about you makes me hope you'll stick around for a while longer. 

I look at you, and it inexplicably makes sense. I've stumbled across what could quite possibly be one of the greatest discoveries of my life, and I never saw it coming. And if you had asked me if this was what I was expecting, in many ways I would say no, for how could the answer be you, lovely you. How could I have looked out across the dance floor, and have your eyes be the ones looking back at me? Yet simultaneously, I would say yes, because this is how I always hoped to feel. You are the person I always hoped to find. Both realities co-exist with one another, side by side.

And you're older. Wiser. You have lines on your face when you smile that cosmic smile. But all those things, they're so endearing to me. And I feel like we meet somewhere in the middle, and that's a nice place to meet, for it means we both stand on equal ground. Our union would be meaningful and fair. There's so much you could teach me. There's so much that I could teach you. Sometimes I think we use logic and algorithms to seek out love, but experience has so far taught me that love doesn't seem to work like that. It hides and manifests itself where you least expect it to be.

Love doesn't want to be defined by anything else, other than the power it yields when two souls find one another in the scope of this world, and together they become one. I don't know if your past if full of almost but not quite's, but I know mine is. And I know when you stood on that road, you didn't expect to find me waiting on the other side. You probably never saw me coming, in the same way that I never saw you. And maybe I could have been born sooner. My parents waited six years. But the time spent waiting made my very existence possible, and it allowed me to become shaped into the person I am now. A person who could find you, love you, make you happy, bring something unique into your life.

My youth may be apparent, but it's doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't make my mind less sharper. My experiences less meaningful. My opinions and views less informed. There's so much more to me than the number of years I have lived on this planet, and the same goes to you too. I believe that life works in strange and wonderful ways, and in this lifetime, I like to think we were meant to find one another. The stars aligned so that our crossing could happen. The fates have a greater plan. They always do. And so right now, I'm trying to become the person I'm meant to be. For myself. For you. For this world. I'm weaving together the pieces of myself until I find the right pattern.

I know you've been waiting longer than I have, but I promise you, this is worth the wait. The best things in life always are. For a reaction to happen, a rainbow of factors need to fall into place and at just the right time. And I feel like our time is coming. I am coming for you. I hope you are coming for me too. Life is helping me to become the woman you always dreamed of. As for you, I already know. I knew it as soon as I first saw you. I see it now, still, when I look at you. A man who lights up the world and makes it a better place. Who fills the lives of others with joy and meaning and goodness. How fitting that he should be born on the day the night shines aglow with light and colour and warmth and magic.

So until our day comes, what more can I do except ask you to wait for me, in the same way that I am waiting for you. To please stay. Don't give up. Don't lose hope. To believe in the possibility and know that there is someone out there who is waiting to love you, and make you feel so happy and valued and content. I will find you. Or maybe even you will find me. The fog is evaporating, the wind is blowing, and the light is shining. With every foot step we close the distance, until one day we will stand side by side, hand in hand, a heart of one with intertwined souls, forever more.'

Just So You Know: A Letter

JUST SO YOU KNOW...

Dear x

I'm sorry things ended the way they did. With you walking away and me standing there, letting you. I still think it never should have ended like that, but we were who we were back then. We couldn't help ourselves. I might be a different person now, someone I like to think would do things a little differently, but that still doesn't change the person I used to be. The decisions I made. The actions I took. The words I said. But it's weird because the thing I'm most sorry about, is the way I acted after it all came to an end. I'm not saying I regret what I did, because what's done is done and even though I handled it poorly, what I gained from doing all those things has made me a better person. Of that I am sure.

I'm just sorry that I did things the way I did. I realise now that you wanted to be left alone. That you didn't miss me like I missed you. That I was a person who was only supposed to exist in one phase of your life, and none of the others to follow. That we aren't the same people. We don't think or feel or act in the same way. The way I felt about things didn't mean that you felt the same way too. It was selfish of me to assume that the feeling was mutual. You have your own heart and mind. You're allowed to feel whatever you want to feel. I had no currency on that. I never did. 

To carve a road into your life after a year had passed, wasn't the right thing to do. I realise that now. All the time leading up to that moment, I had missed you so much more than I ever expected I would. It was hard to cope with the feeling of loss, and find ways to move on from it and leave it behind. It was hard to accept the way things ended, and accept that I would probably never see you again. I got it into my head that some awful mistake had been made, and no-one was putting it right. So I took it into my own hands. I tried to right the wrong, even though it wasn't necessarily my place to do so. It didn't occur to me at the time that maybe things were supposed to end the way they did. Maybe we were only ever supposed to exist in each other's lives for a short period of time. Maybe we weren't the right people. Maybe we were meant to help each other get to a better place and then go our separate ways.

All these things occurred to me too late. I was young and inexperienced and reckless and too optimistic. I think too much and I don't think logically, nor do I listen to my heart and my feelings. Reaching out to you in the way I did, it was the only way I knew how. And at first it was okay. At first it felt like I had done the right thing. But you probably know as well as I do, that I was way too out of my depth. I launched myself into an ocean that I didn't know how to swim in. A galaxy I didn't know how to navigate. A never-ending forest I didn't know how to walk in. I thought I knew what I was doing, but I didn't. I hadn't thought things through. I acted so impulsively, and I mixed up all my feelings and memories and desires until I couldn't tell one from the other. It all became so messy.

I don't really know how I expected you to react. I guess a part of me wanted it to become one big happily ever after with the click of a finger. But life doesn't work like that. It hardly ever does. I don't know how I expected you to act in any other way, than the way you did. I would be surprised too. I would be confused. I would be sceptical. I would be unsure what was happening. I would be well meaning but guarded and tentative. I wouldn't see it as a priority, or a massive life changing event. I would be slightly concerned if someone started sending me pictures of Draco Malfoy on a bloody alpaca, of all things. I get that now. I just wish I'd understood it then.

But again, that's not how life works. We have to make our mistakes before we can learn from them. And it can take many years before we can truly understand them. So I wanted to write this to you, in the off chance you might read this, to tell you that I realise now. I understand now. I've learnt from everything I did wrong. I already do things differently. And I'm sorry for everything I did back then. I'm sorry that I ruined what little survived of us and blew it to pieces. I'm sorry that I changed your perception of me. I'm sorry that I put you in that position. I'm sorry that I pushed you even further away. I'm sorry that we ended up here, in this strange old place. I want you to know all these things for your own peace of mind. Nothing more.

The way I acted back then was fuelled by loving you, caring about you, missing you, missing your friendship, missing that time in our lives. All those weird things I did, they came from a good place. A really good, well meaning, honest place. But I guess when you place power in the hands of the heart, you can never trust what's going to happen. Things will change for the better. Things will change for the worse. Whatever the outcome, change, for better of for worse, is always the one you can count on. And that time round, I made things worse. And for that I will always be sorry, because it's the last thing I ever wanted to happen.

I don't know what you're doing now. I don't know what you look like. What you sound like. How you are. Where you are. If life is treating you kind. If you're happy with the way everything turned out for you. If you're surrounded by good people who love and care about you. I know it isn't my place to be concerned about these things. I know I have no say in these things. I shouldn't even care. It's none of my business. Why someone you used to know some time ago now, should be thinking about these things from time to time, doesn't make sense. It shouldn't happen. I assume you would rather I didn't care, and that I just left you alone for good. Maybe I would want the same thing too. The distance. The freedom. The divide between your life and mine.

But you must understand that the only reason I still care, the only reason I still miss you, and hope you're so well and happy and content, is because you were such an important person to me. At that one time in our lives, where you and I existed in the same time, the same place, you changed everything for me. It was nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. It was just knowing you. Having you there. Meeting you gave me a confidence in myself and my life and fate and people. You gave me hope. You made me realise that there are some really good people out there. That every now and then, when you're losing hope and belief and worth in yourself, life will give you a little miracle. A little ray of light. And it will brighten everything. It will make your life better. It will make you better. 

You were my miracle. I never saw you coming. I never thought I needed to know someone like you. I never even thought someone like you could be out there. You didn't realise, but you came right when I needed you most. You catalysed something within me, so that I would never be the same person again. Instead I would become someone better. Your friendship was a gift. A priceless gift. I still benefit from it now. It still makes my life better too. Words will never be able to explain what you did for me, just by being you and being there when I needed someone the most. And I guess because the impact you made on my life was so big, I assumed you'd stick around. I assumed I might hopefully be making your life a little bit better too. I assumed that things would never change. This special person in my life would never disappear or leave. It wouldn't make any sense.

But you left. I left. We parted ways. We moved on. We let our lives take us away from one another. We became different people. And I struggled with that transition for longer than I expected to. You're a different person to me, even though something fundamental about us is the same, and I think you handled things so much better, so differently. Life had shaped you into a different person to me. And that's okay. And then I did what I did, put a dampener on things, and that's when our lives completely separated for good. You went left. I went right. All ties were cut. And I have come to accept that and make peace with that. I respect your decision. I just want you to know how thankful and grateful I am for your presence in my life. I want you to know that you did something right. That you changed the world in a little way. That you made a difference. That someone out there is glad you exist, grateful they met you, is a better person because they knew you. Isn't that all we can ever hope for in this life?

All I can do now is wish you well. Wish you a lifetime of happiness. Wish you achieve everything you ever wanted to and so much more. Wish you are always surrounded by good people, and that you yourself continue to believe in the goodness you possess. It's always there. As for me, well I'm happy now. Really happy. I've come a long way in the last few years, and I like where I have found myself. My life isn't perfect, but in my eyes it is more than I ever could have dreamed of. I'm so content and proud and every day I try to make myself a better person than I was the day before. I still think of you from time to time. I can't help myself. But not as often, and not in the same way I either. I just want you to be happy. That's all. Certain things make me think of you, and I will wonder. I will dream. I will think. But then I remember where I am now, and I know that those places my thoughts carry me are just in my imagination. And maybe one day, I will know those places, those moments. They will happen. Or maybe they wont. And that's okay. I've made my peace. Everything is alright. And I just thought you should know.

Wishing you all the best

xxx