Note To Self

NOTE TO SELF

Hello dear readers, how are you all? I can't believe it's now 2016! I truly hope you all had a wonderful time seeing in the new year, and I also hope that it's a cracking year for you. What did I do? Well on New Years Eve I went to Starbucks with my Pa and my sis, then later on we had the entire family round, as well as a few good family friends, to celebrate the last day of  2015 and see in the new year together. I wasn't sure what to expect, and a little niggling part of my mind was wondering if I maybe I should be out partying instead, like everyone else seemed to be doing. But lo and behold, that little niggle was quickly put to extinction because honestly, it was one of the loveliest, most enjoyable New Years Eve's I've ever had. We had a right blast, and our night was filled with family, friends, love, laughter, happiness, dancing, talking, card tricks, board games, music, enough food to feed the entire British population for the next decade, and a similar amount of alcohol to match, fireworks, sparklers, and of course Jool's Annual Hootenanny. I really couldn't have asked for a better end to the year. It's the simple joys in life, eh?

 Naturally New Years Day was filled with, well, not much really. Sleeping in, eating a lot more food, having the family round, lots of conversations and laughter, watching The Sound of Music (it's our only tradition) and later finally watching Sherlock, after two long years, and a random Adele documentary, which made me realise Adele is another Queen, alongside Beyonce and Stevie Nicks. It was really lovely, even though the weather was shite (no change there then), and I was so happy that I got to spend time with my beloved family, but in spite of all that, my first day of 2016 was definitely underpinned with a strange kind of melancholy feeling. I don't know if you felt a similar way too, but for me, the beginning of a new year normally starts with me feeling like I'm on some unexplainable downer. And I can never quite put my finger on why that is. Maybe it's because the end of December, such a joyous, beautiful, magical, happy time of year, and the start of January, are such a contrast. Maybe it's because the weather is grey and dull and sad. Maybe it's because the prospect of being handed another 365 days (366 this year!) to fill and make amazing, to try and make as good as years gone by, is kind of daunting. Maybe it's because I'm another year older. Maybe it's because I have exams to sit this month. Maybe it's because I realise how much can change in a year, and not knowing what the future holds scares me a just a little bit. Maybe it's because I'm already aware of some of the changes that this year will bring, and I wish I could pause time for a while, till I feel ready to face them. I don't know.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sit here and complain and wish my life away. It's not that at all. As you may have read in my last post, I'm feeling pretty good in myself right now, likewise I'm feeling pretty excited and content with life too. I'm doing alright and I'm very appreciate of everything I'm lucky enough to have right now. The other day I was reading through some old diary entries, and it made me realise what a long way I've already come, and in so many ways too. Sometimes I don't think I give myself enough credit. And I'm very happy that I am here, and not there anymore. Even though it often gives me the heeby jeebies, I'm glad that change happened, and that I tried to embrace it as best as I could. I'm thankful that I have reached this place, likewise I'm thankful that myself and those I care about, have lived another year and have been awarded another to use as we each please. Everything is pretty alright. Everything is pretty fine and dandy. I have no obvious cause for complaint. So why the melancholy feeling? Why the unnecessary internal conflict? Honestly, I have not the slightest clue. I'm trying to get better at letting feelings arise and pass through me like leaves being blown on a breeze, but you know what I'm like. Love to do me some over-analysis and over-thinking. I love to sit and dwell. I love to search for answers to questions. But it isn't half tiring and time consuming. Which leads me onto the whole point of this, what I guess is rather random, first post of 2016. 

Firstly, I just wanted to externalise the way I was feeling inside, even if it doesn't really make much sense, because someone once told me that storing up that wealth of feeling and emotion inside, really doesn't do anybody any good. It's so much better to get it all out there. Clear the system. Churn out the thoughts and feelings. Put them down somewhere. Pick out any useful bits, that's if there are any to begin with, and use them constructively. So secondly, I want to use this weird melancholy feeling to write a little note to self. A reminder to myself for this next year, of what the me right now wants the future me to do and remember. Because even though I've long since moved on from new year's resolutions, I feel like going into this year without any direction won't really do me any good. I need to set myself up with a diving board to launch from. A place to begin. Another marker from which to progress from. So without anymore wasting around, here we go. A note to self.

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-IN 2016 I WILL...-

001. Carry on doing more of the same, and that includes: appreciate and enjoy every little thing, see the silver lining, embrace and make change, do what scares me and say yes, make time to do things that make me happy, love who I am, live my life exactly how I want to.

002. Try not to dwell over stupid things, and keep that emotional BS screen up. It worked wonders for me last year.

003. Be more conscious of how I communicate, both for me personally and professionally. That means articulating better, being more concise, monitoring my volume, thinking about what I want to say before I say it (DO I SOUND LIKE AN SPEECH THERAPIST OR WHAT.)

004. Give myself time to process and get things into perspective, before I do anything.

005. Try and make chill time for myself every day, where I do something that makes me feel calm and happy.

006. KEEP ON INCREASING THAT CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF, a la Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, and get those sass levels rising even more. Last year I did a great job not letting other people get me down. This year, it's time to stop getting myself down.

007. Regularly remember how far I've already come both as a person and in my life, and be proud of myself for it. 

008. Continue to enjoy being a single, independent, happy, free young woman and not let anything compromise that, or make me feel bad about it. Last year I finally felt like a full individual entity strong enough to stand on her own two feet and take the world by storm single-handedly, and I'm not about to let that change.

009. Continue the progress I've made when it comes to love. I know for myself what it is that I need, and what I can give or be to somebody else, 2015 taught me that. So 2016 won't necessarily be about looking for love, because honestly I'm so tired of that and I can't really be arsed to waste my time and emotion on all that. It will instead be about being open to love if and when it comes around. Don't judge too soon, don't be afraid, don't hold back, get out there and see what happens. I know I can do it.

010. Keep working hard at my course and accepting help when it comes my way, because I know that I need a little helping hand every now and then.

011. Keep on being confident and impulsive and saying yes and seeing what happens.

012. Finally find that inner strength to stop comparing my life to other people's, and stop going out there looking for things that I know are only going to make me feel bad about myself. It ain't worth it.

013. When it feels like my sass levels are dipping, try and channel my heroes: Patti Smith, Stevie Nicks, Tavi Gevinson, Beyonce.

014. If Last Shadow Puppets go on tour, MUST GET TICKETS, repeat, MUST GET TICKETS.

015. GET BETTER AT LIVING IN THE PRESENT. Accept that the past is done and dusted, and last year I made complete peace with it and every sense, so keep return visits at a minimum. Also realise that although I have some control over the future, it's all influenced by what I do in the present. So just focus on life one week at a time, and enjoy my life. Fill it with what makes me happy, positive actions, positive thoughts, things to look forward to, and be grateful that I've lived to see another day.

016. Stop being scared about being 20. It will be awesome. And that is because I have decided it will be awesome. End of.

017. Think of life in the larger context. The possibility, the adventure, the magic, the excitement, the bigger picture. I normally find it does me a lot of good, not focusing on the minute details of everything.

018. Continue being me and continue to like being me. Ain't no point wishing you were someone else. It's a waste of a life.

019. Expand my Bluboca store and fill it with more designs. Keep on blogging. Also develop my art further and pursue my creativity, think about where I want to take it next, and if it means going back and asking for a bit of guidance, stop being afraid and do it.

020. Hold my head high, walk confidently and proudly, smile lots, laugh lots, embrace my Spanish side, develop my personal style more, grow my hair longer, grow my nails, invest in my third lipstick.