IT'S OKAY TO BE SINGLE (REALLY, IT IS)
I've been meaning to write a post like this for a loooooong time but I seem to have been putting it off until now, in the midst of a sudden late night burst of creativity and pro activity, when it suddenly seems like an absolutely brilliant idea to begin writing said post now. So voilà dear readers, here we are. I felt like this post, all about being single, was such an important topic to write about because having been in the teeny tiny minority of people who have been single all their lives so far (a group which is now virtually extinct except bar me), I happen to know an awful lot about the subject whether I like it or not. I have never known otherwise, and so I've made the transition from young adolescent to young woman completely on my own, meaning I've experienced that whole growing up saga from a perspective that 99% of the people I know haven't seen it from. I've gained a unique insight that very few people will have, and because being single can be such an incredibly touchy subject amongst girls in particular (and guys too!), I thought I'd share a bit of my experience with you guys because I want you to know that the most important thing I've learnt over the years is that it's completely and utterly 100% super duper definitely okay to be single. In our society we're very much made to feel like being single is abnormal, something that desperately needs changing, that we can't be happy and content on our own. And by god if like me you've been single all your life well then you may as well register yourself as a UFO and package yourself off to Mars because you just don't fit in whatsoever and people will end up destroying their brain cells trying to understand why your predicament is so. But as one of those strange UFO people myself, the kind of person that people would really rather not be and often feel sorry for, like I said I am here to give you back some of your sass and pride and confidence. I'm here to tell you that being single, whether you've had a boyfriend or girlfriend before or not, is actually pretty awesome and you should flaunt your single, independent status with pride.
So as previously mentioned, I have been single all my life. It's something that just happened, I guess. I never planned or wanted to reach 19 still being able to say that I have always been single, but it's the just the way that things have panned out for me. Plus I was always looking for this special something, a special kind of person, that I just couldn't seem to find anywhere, and I found it impossible to truly settle for anything less than what I wanted. Every year I thought that things would change but they never did, and in retrospect I can see that it's always been because of a mixture of personal preferences within my control, and other circumstances outside of my control. Over the years I liked numerous guys and fell for some preeeettyy hard, but nothing ever came of them and as I've grown older I realised that I'm happy nothing happened, because I know I wasn't ready and I know it wasn't right. Growing up I was really fortunate that my friendship group were all similar to me in that we all somehow managed to stay single throughout secondary school, so there wasn't any peer pressure and I wasn't on my own, but obviously things were going to change at some point. They had to, it's part of growing up. Now I'd always been acutely aware of my single status, but I could deal with it just about because it wasn't just me who was single and I had hope that it would change soon anyway. Going to college changed that because within the space of a year three of my close friends got boyfriends and others began branching out and experimenting. I of course was somewhat oblivious until one day I suddenly realised that I appeared to have acquired the rather unfortunate status of being the only single friend. Everyone else seemed to have jumped ship and whilst I was so, so chuffed for them all, because their happiness meant so much to me, realising that I was one of the few left with the single status and still after all that time, was pretty devastating at first, especially when my love life was like a car with no petrol, ie. going absolutely nowhere.
I really struggled to accept that I was the last one left. Why wasn't I good enough? What was wrong with me? Would I ever find someone? Those kinds of self esteem crunching questions. And because I've been single for such a long time, people often forget I even am single or they don't even bother asking me if I've met anyone because we both know the answer is going to be a no 99% of the time. Sometimes I still find myself despairing for the male species when I realise that if any guy checks out me and my friends when we're together, often one of the only options he actually has is me, because despite my other more redeeming qualities I am quite certifiably bonkers and also a frequenter of treading in dog poo and walking into inanimate objects too (the list to prove it is practically endless). However none the less, I'm proud to say that I did eventually build a bridge and get over that particular hiccup, and have since found that being single has somewhat ended up being a blessing in disguise for me. Being in a relationship requires equal effort on both parts, it's a commitment to one another, a sharing of something special between the two of you and it carries different demands to those that come with being single. and it's only now, age 19, that I know I can really do and be that for someone else. Thinking about it now, I've always been quite an insecure person with a crap self confidence and self esteem, and for the majority of my teenage years I didn't realise that I was relying on other people to make me feel good about myself. So one of the main reasons I even wanted a boyfriend was both to fit in and to also have that person who could pick me up when I was feeling down, make me feel good about myself, be there when I was lonely, who loved me wholeheartedly when I was struggling to love myself. However being single throughout my formative years has forced me to have to confront all those underlying problems myself, and consequently become my own hero too.
I've become incredibly independent and self sufficient, a free spirit somewhat, because there wasn't that other someone to rely on for all those things. It sounds a bit strange but it's taught me how to become a whole person, a complete, rounded individual, it's taught me important skills that I so desperately needed to learn for myself, and I've been able to fully explore who I am as a person and learn how to look after myself properly without the help of anyone else. And I needed to do all those things for myself because how on earth could I have made someone else happy, how could I have fully loved someone else if I hadn't had the chance to learn how to make myself happy, and most importantly, how to love myself first, for everything I am and am not? If I had been in a relationship I know for a fact I would've been reliant on the other person for my self-esteem, my happiness, my self worth, I wouldn't have dealt with the problems at hand and if it all fell apart I would have been left completely clueless as to how to do those things for myself. Because I've been single all this time, I've had to learn how to be everything I need and how to look after myself properly. I have to tell myself I look alright when I look in the mirror and love all my imperfections too, I have to piece myself back together whenever I fall apart, pick myself back up again if I get knocked down, know my self worth, believe in myself. No-one else has ever been there to wipe away my tears or tell me everything is going to be okay, hold my hand throughout the good and the bad. It hasn't always been easy but ultimately I'm so glad it happened that way because I now have those skills that will set me up for life. And if I want to go somewhere or do something, I don't have that automatic companion do share that with, be by my side, so I've had to learn how to be happy on my own, in my own company and just get out there in the world and do whatever it is that I want to do, when I want to do it, regardless as to whether or not I have someone to share it with. Like the Oscar Wilde quote I put at the start of this post, I know how to be happy alone and that feels quite nice to say, as well as realising just what I've managed to accomplish on my own too. Being single is a true testament to how strong and amazing and awesome you are as an individual. Yes love is fookin' wonderful, but don't forget to stop and appreciate how wonderful you also are as an individual, devoid of that.
As I've grown older, I've come to realise that being single isn't something to be embarrassed about, or something to hide or lie about. The more and more I think about it, the more I realise that actually, being single is rather brilliant, especially as it takes a lot of balls to stand up on your own two feet and conquer the world alone. If anything to be single, to walk alone and not let yourself be limited or defined by that is pretty courageous, as is rising to the challenge of being happy on your own, devoting time to yourself, loving and respecting yourself, learning how to care for yourself and most importantly how to be independent. Most of my teenage years I looked to Beyonce for inspiration cringey as that sounds, because I too wanted to become that fierce, independent, self sufficent, sassy female who was happy on her own and not at all defined by her status or the man on her arm. I wanted to be liberated by my single status, not confined and weighed down by it, and yes it takes time to reach that mentality where you can actually do that, but it really is possible and it's a really wonderful place to be. Being single doesn't have to mean you're crying every night with a box of chocolate, wiping your running nose as you listen to love songs and watch romantic comedies that are most definitely unrelated to you. It doesn't have to mean pressure to go on endless numbers of dates, trawling through dating sites, having one night stands or on the converse signing up to the local nunnery and abstaining from love altogether, although it's completely okay if you want to do those things. It also doesn't have to mean staring at loved up couples in green eyed envy, torturing yourself with things that you don't have, not looking after yourself properly, questioning what on earth is wrong with you. Being single is not the be all and end all, if anything it's one of the most liberating things you'll ever experience and surprise surprise it can actually be rather bloody fantastic.
It's a time in your life that ultimately is all about you. A time in your life which is completely devoted to you and the chance to become the person you've always wanted to be. There's so much learning, liberation, freedom and the time to re-assess who you are, what you want, where you might have been going wrong, how you're going to change things to get what you want, be happy, recognise what you need. Although it can be frustrating at times, for me it's helped me to become my own person, a stronger individual who knows exactly who she is, where she's going next, what's important to her, what I need when it comes to love and what I can give to someone else, as well as teach me an immeasurable amount of things alongside too. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be half the person I am today had I not been single all this time, and I'm so proud of the person I've managed to become with my happiness now solely in my hands. Not everyone is like me, in that some people grow up in this world with a strong sense of self worth, fantastic self esteem and self confidence, or they have a different approach to love or growing up, so they can jump right into the ocean of love without a second glance. And that's okay too. You have to do what feels right for you. But I on the other hand am someone who needed this time to dedicate to myself in order to reach my full potential and fully come into my own. I think we all need a little bit of time to ourselves at some point irrespective of relationship status. For me I've always struggled with these insecurities and issues since I was a little girl, so I guess I needed to be single in order to realise that I just couldn't hide any more. I needed to learn how to look after myself properly and it took me a little bit longer to become the person I am now, but that's okay because I really like who I am now.
And even though I haven't yet had a boyfriend or experienced for myself a lot of the things most people have, and I often get called naive because of it, I know that I have instead gained a different kind of wisdom, knowledge, experience, and I needed that kind of experience more than anything else to begin with. And so now I know what love should be, what it means to me, I know that I am now the person I need to be to let love happen, I am finally ready. I am happy in myself and who I am, and if needs be I am still so perfectly content to be on my own for a little while longer. It's alright. And what's more, it turns out I did end up meeting a guy who showed me what love looks like, how it should feel, that what I always hoped to find, the love I need, really does exist. Someone who helped and is still helping me become the person I need to be without me even realising. Someone very special. So you know, whatever your predicament right now or whatever may happen to you in future, like I said at the very start of this super long post and have been saying all along, if you ever find yourself single, do not despair. It's just a period of change, you have some learning and exploring and me- time that needs doing, so you go out there and you fookin' enjoy it and trust me love will come and find you when you're ready.
So as previously mentioned, I have been single all my life. It's something that just happened, I guess. I never planned or wanted to reach 19 still being able to say that I have always been single, but it's the just the way that things have panned out for me. Plus I was always looking for this special something, a special kind of person, that I just couldn't seem to find anywhere, and I found it impossible to truly settle for anything less than what I wanted. Every year I thought that things would change but they never did, and in retrospect I can see that it's always been because of a mixture of personal preferences within my control, and other circumstances outside of my control. Over the years I liked numerous guys and fell for some preeeettyy hard, but nothing ever came of them and as I've grown older I realised that I'm happy nothing happened, because I know I wasn't ready and I know it wasn't right. Growing up I was really fortunate that my friendship group were all similar to me in that we all somehow managed to stay single throughout secondary school, so there wasn't any peer pressure and I wasn't on my own, but obviously things were going to change at some point. They had to, it's part of growing up. Now I'd always been acutely aware of my single status, but I could deal with it just about because it wasn't just me who was single and I had hope that it would change soon anyway. Going to college changed that because within the space of a year three of my close friends got boyfriends and others began branching out and experimenting. I of course was somewhat oblivious until one day I suddenly realised that I appeared to have acquired the rather unfortunate status of being the only single friend. Everyone else seemed to have jumped ship and whilst I was so, so chuffed for them all, because their happiness meant so much to me, realising that I was one of the few left with the single status and still after all that time, was pretty devastating at first, especially when my love life was like a car with no petrol, ie. going absolutely nowhere.
I really struggled to accept that I was the last one left. Why wasn't I good enough? What was wrong with me? Would I ever find someone? Those kinds of self esteem crunching questions. And because I've been single for such a long time, people often forget I even am single or they don't even bother asking me if I've met anyone because we both know the answer is going to be a no 99% of the time. Sometimes I still find myself despairing for the male species when I realise that if any guy checks out me and my friends when we're together, often one of the only options he actually has is me, because despite my other more redeeming qualities I am quite certifiably bonkers and also a frequenter of treading in dog poo and walking into inanimate objects too (the list to prove it is practically endless). However none the less, I'm proud to say that I did eventually build a bridge and get over that particular hiccup, and have since found that being single has somewhat ended up being a blessing in disguise for me. Being in a relationship requires equal effort on both parts, it's a commitment to one another, a sharing of something special between the two of you and it carries different demands to those that come with being single. and it's only now, age 19, that I know I can really do and be that for someone else. Thinking about it now, I've always been quite an insecure person with a crap self confidence and self esteem, and for the majority of my teenage years I didn't realise that I was relying on other people to make me feel good about myself. So one of the main reasons I even wanted a boyfriend was both to fit in and to also have that person who could pick me up when I was feeling down, make me feel good about myself, be there when I was lonely, who loved me wholeheartedly when I was struggling to love myself. However being single throughout my formative years has forced me to have to confront all those underlying problems myself, and consequently become my own hero too.
I've become incredibly independent and self sufficient, a free spirit somewhat, because there wasn't that other someone to rely on for all those things. It sounds a bit strange but it's taught me how to become a whole person, a complete, rounded individual, it's taught me important skills that I so desperately needed to learn for myself, and I've been able to fully explore who I am as a person and learn how to look after myself properly without the help of anyone else. And I needed to do all those things for myself because how on earth could I have made someone else happy, how could I have fully loved someone else if I hadn't had the chance to learn how to make myself happy, and most importantly, how to love myself first, for everything I am and am not? If I had been in a relationship I know for a fact I would've been reliant on the other person for my self-esteem, my happiness, my self worth, I wouldn't have dealt with the problems at hand and if it all fell apart I would have been left completely clueless as to how to do those things for myself. Because I've been single all this time, I've had to learn how to be everything I need and how to look after myself properly. I have to tell myself I look alright when I look in the mirror and love all my imperfections too, I have to piece myself back together whenever I fall apart, pick myself back up again if I get knocked down, know my self worth, believe in myself. No-one else has ever been there to wipe away my tears or tell me everything is going to be okay, hold my hand throughout the good and the bad. It hasn't always been easy but ultimately I'm so glad it happened that way because I now have those skills that will set me up for life. And if I want to go somewhere or do something, I don't have that automatic companion do share that with, be by my side, so I've had to learn how to be happy on my own, in my own company and just get out there in the world and do whatever it is that I want to do, when I want to do it, regardless as to whether or not I have someone to share it with. Like the Oscar Wilde quote I put at the start of this post, I know how to be happy alone and that feels quite nice to say, as well as realising just what I've managed to accomplish on my own too. Being single is a true testament to how strong and amazing and awesome you are as an individual. Yes love is fookin' wonderful, but don't forget to stop and appreciate how wonderful you also are as an individual, devoid of that.
As I've grown older, I've come to realise that being single isn't something to be embarrassed about, or something to hide or lie about. The more and more I think about it, the more I realise that actually, being single is rather brilliant, especially as it takes a lot of balls to stand up on your own two feet and conquer the world alone. If anything to be single, to walk alone and not let yourself be limited or defined by that is pretty courageous, as is rising to the challenge of being happy on your own, devoting time to yourself, loving and respecting yourself, learning how to care for yourself and most importantly how to be independent. Most of my teenage years I looked to Beyonce for inspiration cringey as that sounds, because I too wanted to become that fierce, independent, self sufficent, sassy female who was happy on her own and not at all defined by her status or the man on her arm. I wanted to be liberated by my single status, not confined and weighed down by it, and yes it takes time to reach that mentality where you can actually do that, but it really is possible and it's a really wonderful place to be. Being single doesn't have to mean you're crying every night with a box of chocolate, wiping your running nose as you listen to love songs and watch romantic comedies that are most definitely unrelated to you. It doesn't have to mean pressure to go on endless numbers of dates, trawling through dating sites, having one night stands or on the converse signing up to the local nunnery and abstaining from love altogether, although it's completely okay if you want to do those things. It also doesn't have to mean staring at loved up couples in green eyed envy, torturing yourself with things that you don't have, not looking after yourself properly, questioning what on earth is wrong with you. Being single is not the be all and end all, if anything it's one of the most liberating things you'll ever experience and surprise surprise it can actually be rather bloody fantastic.
It's a time in your life that ultimately is all about you. A time in your life which is completely devoted to you and the chance to become the person you've always wanted to be. There's so much learning, liberation, freedom and the time to re-assess who you are, what you want, where you might have been going wrong, how you're going to change things to get what you want, be happy, recognise what you need. Although it can be frustrating at times, for me it's helped me to become my own person, a stronger individual who knows exactly who she is, where she's going next, what's important to her, what I need when it comes to love and what I can give to someone else, as well as teach me an immeasurable amount of things alongside too. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't be half the person I am today had I not been single all this time, and I'm so proud of the person I've managed to become with my happiness now solely in my hands. Not everyone is like me, in that some people grow up in this world with a strong sense of self worth, fantastic self esteem and self confidence, or they have a different approach to love or growing up, so they can jump right into the ocean of love without a second glance. And that's okay too. You have to do what feels right for you. But I on the other hand am someone who needed this time to dedicate to myself in order to reach my full potential and fully come into my own. I think we all need a little bit of time to ourselves at some point irrespective of relationship status. For me I've always struggled with these insecurities and issues since I was a little girl, so I guess I needed to be single in order to realise that I just couldn't hide any more. I needed to learn how to look after myself properly and it took me a little bit longer to become the person I am now, but that's okay because I really like who I am now.
And even though I haven't yet had a boyfriend or experienced for myself a lot of the things most people have, and I often get called naive because of it, I know that I have instead gained a different kind of wisdom, knowledge, experience, and I needed that kind of experience more than anything else to begin with. And so now I know what love should be, what it means to me, I know that I am now the person I need to be to let love happen, I am finally ready. I am happy in myself and who I am, and if needs be I am still so perfectly content to be on my own for a little while longer. It's alright. And what's more, it turns out I did end up meeting a guy who showed me what love looks like, how it should feel, that what I always hoped to find, the love I need, really does exist. Someone who helped and is still helping me become the person I need to be without me even realising. Someone very special. So you know, whatever your predicament right now or whatever may happen to you in future, like I said at the very start of this super long post and have been saying all along, if you ever find yourself single, do not despair. It's just a period of change, you have some learning and exploring and me- time that needs doing, so you go out there and you fookin' enjoy it and trust me love will come and find you when you're ready.
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