Bite Back

BITE BACK

Recently I came to realise yet again that sometimes no matter how long you wait, how hard you try, how much you change, how good a person you try to be, how much you suffer, how hard you work, much you believe, you don't always get what you want in life. Things don't always go how you wished they would. Life unfortunately isn't always fair. Things still go wrong. You still lose out. You still get hurt. The happy ending you longed for doesn't always await you. But most importantly, what I also came to realise for the first time was that yes, although you rarely get a say in how your life pans out, the twists and turns and strange workings of fate, the final outcome, or have much of a choice or say in what happens to you, you do get a choice in how you react to the things that happen to you during your life. You are most certainly always in charge of how you respond to these things, the good, the bad, and that is something that can never be taken away from you. You are always in control in how you proceed onwards and what comes next. You get to decide how things are going to be. 

So when I initially came that realisation recently that things weren't going to work out quite how I had hoped they would, and that I'd essentially drawn yet another short straw, I'm not going to lie, it really did throw me off balance, knock me down, hurt me hard. My mood tipped very quickly and my hope began to fade incredibly fast and it all ended up in tears. All I really wanted to do was cry endlessly because it felt good to let the feeling out, and just crawl into bed, turn out the lights, sleep and sleep and sleep, avoid everybody and everything and turn into a hermit crab or a bird or something else entirely. Very dramatic indeedy and in those initial moments it really did seem like such a good idea. I was yearning to slip into that old automatic mode of self destruct, my previous go-to coping mechanism whenever I was faced with some of life's worse moments. I was beginning to cave inwards on myself, slipping back to that not very nice place swept in the tirade of negative thinking, just like I used to back in the day. But then suddenly I thought to myself no, I'm not going to do that this time. That isn't going to happen. I will not do that to myself, I will not let this misfortune reduce me down, break me. I am better than that. I'm not that person any more. I will not let that happen. I'm going to fight back, bite back. And almost like a true proven testament to the fact that I really have changed as a person and become a better version of myself, a stronger, wiser, tougher, more resilient person who knows how to truly care for herself, I decided this time would be different and so I handled everything entirely differently to how I would have even six months ago.

I realised that I really do like and am proud of how I am as a person now, and I'm not going to let that all go so easily. Yes I could sit there and cry and cry and feel sorry for myself and despair about everything I don't have. Yes I could shatter into a million little pieces. Yes I could revert to the person I used to be, but I suddenly realised that I just didn't want that, that I didn't deserve that, that I was better than that. I realised it wasn't a problem with something within my control, it was a problem with something outside of my control. And I realised, like I previously said, that I actually had a choice. For the first time in my life I realised that there was another way, another path that could be taken, that going into self destruct and self pity and descending down the rabbit hole wasn't the only response to the tough times in life. I wasn't going to do that to myself, I refused to in fact. I wasn't going to let this take away from me, reduce me down. I wasn't going to give in so easily, return to that old cycle. No, no, instead I was going to do what I'd struggled so hard to do before, I was going to bite back. Bite the hand that feeds me and be strong and exert my right to be so damn happy. Like I said, I know my worth now, I know what I deserve and what I might not, I am so happy and proud of who I am and what I do and what I have achieved so far and the people that surround me and where I am going. 

So what did I do? Well it's pretty simple really: I carried on. I didn't break down and mope about and cry and let go of everything any longer than I had to. No I pulled myself together, got my act together, I re-collected myself, my thoughts, I held on in spite of everything. I had a rather wonderful hot shower, reminded myself of a few nice things- positive thinking my friends, and just got on with my life. There was still a dull pain inside my chest, but I overcame it. I laughed, I smiled, ate nice food, watched good tv, spent time with my loved ones, listened to some music, and enjoyed every single little thing. And I did all those things for myself, my own happiness, no one else, and honestly it was just the best medicine ever. The best cure ever. The best coping mechanism ever. Refusing to be knocked down or broken by the twists and turns of life, holding your own, deciding that you're going to be happy this time round, that you're going to be so strong, valuing and understanding yourself enough to know when you do or don't deserve the hand life deals you. Tis rather awesome indeedy.

And the reason I'm telling you lovely people all this is because for the best part of my teenage years I just didn't realise that there was another way. No-one ever sat me down, nor did I figure it out for myself till now, and told me that actually, you can just refuse to let yourself hurt and break and suffer and instead just carry on with your life. Be happy. Granted it does seem such a simple concept in retrospect but the thing is it just never crossed my mind, crazy as that sounds. I knew how to carry on  and normally gave it my best shot, but that was only usually after I'd been mopy and sad and hurt for a while. But now I realise that happiness is a choice, that responding positively to a negative turn of events or situation is again a choice, that seeing the bright side and being the better person is a choice you can make, that holding strong even though you want to crumble to pieces inside is a voluntary decision, and the only person who can give those things to you is yourself. You have to decide those things, realise that you are worth it and that you deserve that happiness and positivity. It's so ridiculously easy to cave in and self destruct and give in to negative thinking but I want to tell you and remind you that it isn't the only way. You don't always have to take the bad things that happen to you because often it is just simply a stroke of bad luck, misfortune beyond your control, and like I've been saying you always, always have the choice of what is going to happen next, follow a negative with a positive, and that's pretty awesome.

So next time something crappy happens in your life, which it unfortunately probably will as life is a gloriously frustrating mix of the good and the bad, I hope that having read this, you realise there's another way and decide that you deserve to be happy and don't let the world break you. I hope you bite back, show the world how strong, beautiful, amazing you are, because let me tell you now, it is one heck of an amazing, liberating, super sassy feeling.