Luck

LUCK

The other week, I bought my best friend a £20 gift card and sent it over for her 21st birthday. I wanted her to treat herself something special. My intent was to then take her out for dinner, cocktails, and give her opportunity to wear her new purchase. I was so excited to treat my friend, and celebrate her special birthday. But a few days later I found out that someone had opened the birthday card I'd sent her and taken the gift card. 

It really upset me at the time, partially because my period is due soon and it makes my hormones & emotions go a bit doo-laly, but also because I'm someone who intrinsically tries to believe in the goodness of people. I want to believe that people will do the right thing. I want to believe in someone's ability to be a decent human being. I want to give people a chance, the benefit of the doubt, before I judge and categorise them. But then something like that happens, and it's a harsh truth. A reminder that there are people out there who will do the wrong thing, against their better judgement. And that realisation hit me so strongly because I don't want to believe that people are bad. It's hard enough to hold on to your hope in people, as you get older and life gets harsher... 

And I guess for me, it was knowing that someone had deliberately opened my card, seen the pictures I'd lovingly included, the heartfelt letter, all those references to my friend's 21st birthday, and taken the gift card despite all that. As though it was theirs to take. I just couldn't believe someone would do that. Where is their consciousness, humanity, empathy? The blow was made worse because a few days earlier I discovered that my beloved camera of 8 years was broken, and hormonal Tasha thought this was the worst thing in the world ever. Just as she thought someone breaking into someone else's mail was the worst thing in the world ever. I guess you could say I was feeling a bit sorry for myself.

But later on, when I'd regained my emotional composure and rationality, I began to think things through again, but from a different perspective. I began to think about the person who had taken the gift card, and how I had judged them, been angry at them, thought ill of them. Now I'm not condemning stealing here, but as I was thinking, I wondered who this person might be. I didn't know enough to judge them for their actions. What might have driven them to steal the giftcard? What were their circumstances? What was their story? Maybe they wanted to treat a loved one. Maybe they rarely had the chance or money to buy themselves new clothes or treat themselves. Maybe they'd seen a really nice dress or top in that store and thought f**k it, I need that dress/ top/ etc, I'm taking this bloody gift card. Maybe it's their favourite store too. 

I don't know.

What I did know, however, was that holding onto the anger wasn't doing me any good. As my Mum put it bluntly on the phone, there was nothing I could do about it now. It had happened. A lesson had been learnt. Time to move on. So that's what I did. I thought of it as becoming a random act of kindness, and I hoped that the person would enjoy the gift card and buy something really nice. I also hoped that karma would work a little bit of magic. And anyhow, I knew I'd make the money back at work soon enough and be able to treat my friend again. And we're in a fortunate position to be able to treat each other to things like gift cards, meals, cocktails... Same with the camera. It was sad and annoying, but it wasn't the end of the world. My camera was old, I needed another one soon enough. And I've been lucky enough to have a camera, and to have had it alongside me for all these years. No point holding onto the negativity for any longer than I had too.

And after all this, I started thinking about the idea of luck. After my brushes with bad luck, I slipped into that 'woe is me' mindset rather quickly. Yet after a bit of sulky brooding, I thought about the good luck I've had recently. Apart from a few slip ups and iffy moments here and there, things haven't been too bad this year, and some really great things have happened to me, for which I am grateful. So I thought to myself, it's probably about time that I had my fair share of bad luck. 

And I thought back to last year, and the brushes I had with bad luck then and I knew that although they weren't great for various reasons (eg. having work colleagues walk in on me having a poo, does it really get better than that?), but they didn't go on to define my year. I refused to let them. If anything, I'm glad they happened because they humbled me, realigned me, strengthened me, and allowed me to fully appreciate the good things in my life. Oh, and remember to actually lock the toilet door too. 

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that bad luck happens to all of us. Every year, even in the best of years, we get bad moments, bad days, bad weeks, bad luck, make bad decisions. Whether it's within our control or not, what we can always guarantee, is that year after year, a big dollop of shite is going to land slap bang on our plate. That's the way it is. Luck is temperamental and elusive and a cheeky little madam. And I guess we just have to accept that and make peace with that. Besides, the magical tool we always have on our side, is how we deal with the bad luck when it happens. Kicking up a fuss, blasting out negativity, drowning and stagnating in self pity, well it won't get you anywhere really. You might even end up in a worse position. 

So see the positive side: What did that piece of bad luck teach you in the right here & now. What is it teaching you in the long run. What is going well in your life. What good luck have you experienced so far. What have you got be thankful for. Where does this fit into the grand scheme of things. What can you do to learn from the experience. What can you do to tweak the outcome into a positive, instead of a negative. 

The solutions aren't always obvious, and it's ok to brood for a little while and cry into your cup of tea and flop on something dramatically ad eat 5 consecutive packets of hobnobs. Just make sure you get back up on your high horse cowboy and carry on going. 

June Playlist

JUNE PLAYLIST

This last week dear readers, I've finally been struck with the notion that it is actually, finally summer. This special, glorious, sunshine and happiness filled season is once again upon us (whack out a cornetto and celebrate!) and it feels awesome. The official start of summer is still 3 days away, however I've already acquired sunburn, been swimming in the cool blue sea, getting sand stuck between my toes and just about everywhere else, developed a fine start to this year's foot tan, consumed many ice creams and cool drinks, had a BBQ in the rain (British summers never change) and started collecting yet more shells to add to my never ending shell collection. Life couldn't be better.

I always used to feel conflicted about summer when I was growing up. On the one hand I adored it. All those weeks of ice cream and playing outside and late summer nights and BBQs. Yet on the other hand, it always felt so long and boring and never ending. A way to bridge two academic years together. Oh and of course it's prime wasp season too. However as I've gotten older, I've come to view summer in a new way, and fully appreciate what an amazing season it actually is. When I think of summer now, I think of properly relaxing, adventure, camping, swimming, hanging out with all my favourite people, basking in the sunshine or laughing in the rain, exploring, travelling, the beach, that dozy content laziness, being happy, music, art, books, catching up on all the films and TV I've missed during the year, freedom. Even though autumn will always be my favourite season, summer is fast becoming my second favourite, and dare I say it, maybe even a contender for that prime number one season spot...

So to celebrate this spectacular season, I've put together a playlist with some cracking tunes to get the ball rolling. Most songs are new bangers, with some from amazing new artists like Samako, Fazerdaze, and LCD Soundsystem, and others by well established artists who've been off the grid for a few years, including Lorde, Arcade Fire, Haim and The Kooks. Hand on heart, I'm not lying dear readers, when I say that the musical goods on offer for us this summer are right corkers. We're in such a jammy position, absolutely spoilt for choice. This playlist could quite literally be endless.

So I hope you enjoy the 30 odd songs I've chosen, and I hope you have an absolutely magical summer dear readers. And remember to put suncream on your back. Turns out it's quite good at burning.

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001. EVERGREEN CASSETTE- GOLDSPOT
002. YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH A PSYCHO- KASABIAN
003. BE WHO YOU ARE- THE KOOKS
004. GIMME THE LIGHT- SEAN PAUL
005. DISCO 2000- PULP
006. SKINNY JEANS- ELIZA DOOLITTLE
007. I WAS BORN TO BE A COWBOY- CHARLIE FINK
008. BRAZIL- DECLAN MCKENNA
009. DESPACITO- LUIS FONSI FT. DADDY YANKEE
010. MISS YOU- GABRIELLE APLIN
011. WALLS- KINGS OF LEON
012. SUNDAY MORNING- FLO MORRISEY & MATTHEW E. WHITE
013. BAD LIAR- SELENA GOMEZ
014. BIG PICTURE- LONDON GRAMMAR
015. PARTY TATTOOS- DODIE CLARK
016. THE MAN- THE KILLERS
017. ME ENAMORE- SHAKIRA
018. HUMONGOUS- DECLAN MCKENNA
019. WONDERFUL WORLD- JAMES MORRISON
020. LUCKY GIRL- FAZERDAZE
021. FOR REAL- MALLRAT
022. FAR SIDE OF THE WORLD- TIDE LINES
023. EDGE OF TOWN- MIDDLE KIDS
024. LET'S BE YOUNG- PICTURE THIS
025. PERFECT PLACES- LORDE
026. RIGHT NOW- HAIM
027. EVERYTHING NOW- ARCADE FIRE
028. CREATURE COMFORTS- ARCADE FIRE
029. FEEL- BOMBAY BICYCLE CLUB
030. IN UNDERTOW- ALVVAYS
031. CALL THE POLICE- LCD SOUNDSYSTEM
032. SONGHOY BLUES- SAMAKO
033. DON'T MATTER NOW- GEORGE EZRA

Dear Manchester

DEAR MANCHESTER

I remember the very first time I saw you. Dad was driving us across Mancunian Way, through the heart of the city, and all these buildings were mirroring the sides of the road around us. You looked so futuristic, metropolitan, intriguing. I wanted to discover your secrets and magic. We had come to look at the university, to help me decide if you were the place where I wanted to spend the next four years of my life. Until that day, my only knowledge of Manchester was from Take That's Beautiful World album, a cherished part of my childhood, Manchester United football club, a team I used to pretend to support because it seemed cool at the time, and Coronation Street, because my Mum is a lifelong fan. I had no idea what to expect of the city I had only come to know through fragments here and there. Little did I know my connection to you, and the story we would write together, was only just beginning.

The next time I saw you, it was from a train high above, cutting through the city centre, making our way to Piccadilly. I remember seeing these buildings that were somewhat dilapidated, falling apart even, yet to me there was something so beautiful about that. I didn't see destruction, hopelessness, abandonment, tiredness, loss. Instead I saw stories, history, character, hope, wonder. And I knew that this was significant because my Mum, who was on the train with me, saw the former. She couldn't see your beauty. Much as she tried, she was blind to it. And that's when I started to realise that me and you Manchester, we might just have found a match in one another.

I remember taking the Magic Bus for the first time from Piccadilly Gardens, and we drove past these magnificent buildings both old and new. I was in awe. There were so many people too, and despite them being strangers, there was a sense of companionship amongst them. A sense of unity, if you will. It's hard to explain. I remember me and Mum trying to figure out where the MRI was on a map, because my university interview was on the road next to it. You seemed so big and confusing back then, when I didn't know you like the back of my hand. But a kind man sitting next to us overheard our conversation and told us when to get off the bus. That was the first time I experienced the kindness and warmth that so famously defines you and your people. 

Walking down that road to my interview, I had no idea that one day I would call that road home, and that I would spend most days of my life walking up and down it for one reason or another. And when I returned to you for my second interview, I again had no idea that you, Manchester, would be the next calling point on the road map of my life. All I knew, when I walked across the uni campus, and later when I walked through town to the train station, was that a part of me was longing to stay and be a part of you. I wanted to orchestrate and illustrate my life right in this mesmerising city. You felt so full of promise and magic and possibility and energy. I was captivated.

Over the last three years of my life, since starting university, I have come to know you so well. Manchester, you feel like a home to me now. The feeling I get when I see you on the horizon is unlike anything else I know. When the train pulls into Derby station, I feel nostalgic, and I think of the past. When the train pulls into Picadilly, or even Oxford Road, I feel excited, and I think of the future instead. To me you are my dream city. I am so in love with you. You are everything I ever dreamed for in one. That I ended up living out some of the best years of my life in Manchester is something I will appreciate with such gratitude for the rest of my days.

I have long stated this fact, but Manchester, you are truly the city that made me. Exploring your many roads, landmarks, districts and neighbourhoods has given me a passion for adventure and discovery and spontaneity. When I was lonely, lost, confused, sad, you always felt like a friend, a guiding hand, a companion. So many of my precious memories are contained within the backdrop of you. Nights out. Gigs. Dancing. Eating food. Going for drinks. Late night adventures. Early morning adventures. Sunny afternoons in the park. Coffee dates. Helping the community. Exploring. Laughter. Love. Friendship. You've always been at the heart of it all. You have led me to so many incredible people. You have helped me to grow and soar and keep moving forwards. You have shown me the possibilities that exist out there in the big wide world.You have educated me and carried me and given me so much fulfilment. You have shown me a new way of living. Your energy, beauty, grandeur, humility, modesty, kindness, compassion and love have helped me to become a better person. The kind of person I always hoped to be. The history, tales, culture and influence you possess continually inspire me. 

And as for your people... your people are some of the best, if not the best, I have ever known. Even the other night, when I went to a gig at the Etihad, I was reminded by how gorgeous, dazzling and vibrant the Mancunian spirit is. And I felt so lucky to be surrounded by these amazing people who love to laugh, sing, smile, chat to strangers, joke with police officers, swear, dress up to the nines, hold the hands of those they love so tightly, have the time of their lives whatever the day of the week, help others so selflessly, work so damn hard, protect their own as if their life depended on it, and live together as one united, unique, diverse, accepting and welcoming family. So lucky that I am continually exposed to such humanity, solidarity and love.

And I know that a couple of weeks ago, someone tried to break and hurt you and your people. They tried to create division, hatred and fear, through their inhumanity, selfishness, carelessness and brutality. They tried to puncture a hole in the very things that make Manchester so mighty, so strong, so unique, so admirable, so brilliant. They tried so hard, and used such barbaric means to do so. But they didn't succeed. Although so many precious lives were lost, as a city we found the hope, will, and strength to carry on. To ensure that only goodness and positivity led us forwards. When faced with hate, we responded with love. So much love. When faced with division, we chose unity and humanity. When faced with fear, we embraced fearlessness. 

Those couple of days were some of the worst many of us will ever know, and they will stay with us forever. But my god Manchester, those days also made me so indescribably proud to call you my home. To call your people my people. To be living my life in a city that embodies every value I ever believed in, and sets an example to the rest of the world of how we can peacefully live together as one. To be a part of your story and your history. To be a part of the life, energy and hope that will heal your wounds and continue to drive you forwards into a better tomorrow. To be able to help you rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes. Manchester, my dear, dear, home, you are phenomenal. I will love you always.

20 Things I've Learnt At 20

20 THINGS I'VE LEARNT AT 20

It's that time of year again... Another year older, another year slightly wiser, slightly more mature (and also more immature), slightly more grown up, and slightly closer to learning how to make mashed potato. Oh yes and also another blog post summarising the main things the last year has taught me. I've done it at 18 and I've done it at 19, and now that I've finished 3rd year and actually have the time to write a lil' post, I thought it would be nice to carry on the tradition. Plus I can't resist the opportunity to reflect on the year gone by and get myself in an emotional tizz reminiscing. So why the hell not, though if I make it to 104 then I might reconsider...

I can't believe that I'm one day away from 21 now. Honestly I'm not really sure where 20 went. It's come and gone in a flash, and considering how nervous I was about my twenties, this first year has been a true gem. I know I always hail each year as the best one of my life, but this year truly has been one of the best, if not the best. It's another one to look back and smile about. Even though there's been a few wobbles and shocks and mini-meltdowns, hand on heart I can say that I've had the absolute time of my life. 

I've been travelling. I've volunteered at a festival and helped run a children's camp. I've helped people who stammer and transgender people and put on social events for elderly people. I've made some absolutely amazing friends and met some truly wonderful people from all over the world. I've been to the top of Manchester. I've grown my hair out again. I've got through 3rd year of uni and am 3/4 of the way to my end goal. I've overcome personal struggles and grown in confidence, wisdom, strength, as have I realised it's ok to reach out to people and tell them how you're feeling. I've got better at running and keeping fit. I've finally been to Harry Potter World and tried butterbeer. I've had magical trips in London with my sister. I've been on a sports tour. I've seen Bruce Springsteen live. I've grown even closer to my family. I've started an art account. I've found love and somehow acquired a boyfriend, and he is everything I ever hoped for. I've been on so many adventures and had so much fun. And of course I've made a tit out of myself on countless occasions.  

It's strange because I really did notice the shift when I turned 20. It felt like a new beginning, with everything the same and yet somehow so different. And little bit by little bit life has changed, morphed, transitioned, and as I approach 21, I'm so happy and grateful with where I find myself. I'm not really sure what the next year has in store, but I do know it will have its difficulties and struggles. Yet despite that, I also know that I will be surrounded by so much love, happiness, friendship, strength, I will make so many more treasured memories, and maybe, just maybe, I will crack how to make mashed potato.

So with that, here are my 20 things...

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001. Camping is actually really fun and relaxing 

002. Porridge tastes like heaven when you make it with double cream and add mixed spices

003. I am so lucky to have my Mum. I don't think I could have got through this year without her unconditional support, guidance, wisdom and love. I am so lucky that she is always just a phone call or hug away

004. I bloody love my Dad too. And my sister. And my Nan & Grandad. And the rest of my family 

005. Make sure I fully appreciate this wonderful, crazy, gorgeous time of my life and seize every opportunity, drink in every moment, be present throughout it all, because it goes waaaay to fast and life won't be this way forever, and I will treasure these days for the rest of my life

006. My self-esteem is probably always going to be a bit of a madam, but it's getting better, and my way of dealing with it is a lot more positive too nowadays

007. Never underestimate the kindness of strangers, and a simple smile can go an awful long way 

008. Pie and chips and gravy is quite possibly the secret to happiness (my mouth is salivating just from writing the words)

009. I will be a good speech and language therapist and I will get through this sodding degree, and the difficulties I face are only ever making me stronger!!

010. I'm surprisingly good at korfball once I get into the game and stop nattering away with the opposition and actually run after the ball when it comes

011. I know I just said happiness is pie, gravy & chips and I don't take that back, but I think true, undeniable, soul fulfilling happiness comes from simply spending time with the people you love most (ie. friends and family) and letting go of your worries, laughing till you can't breathe and just simply having fun  

012. I love cactuses, gin and tonic, chickpeas, tequila shots, pool (even if I get 7 balled rather a lot), Fresh Meat, Lord of the Rings, Gilmore Girls, Guardians of the Galaxy, foreign films, giant pizzas, brownies, anything silver (it makes me feel like a twinkly little star), cats, basketball, being lazy, veggie burgers, cycling

013. The importance of doing your bit to help other people and make a positive change to their lives. Nothing else can ever replicate the feeling of utter fulfilment that being selfless brings

014. Don't take everything so seriously or sensitively, and instead take a step back and relax, laugh, gain perspective, remember what's important, do the thing you want to do, be kind to yourself

015. The importance of treating the people you love, and letting them know they are loved as much as you possibly can

016. I really, really, really, really like talking on the phone

017. I'm growing into the person I always hoped I would become, and I am so very proud of who I am and the person I try to be

018. There are some really amazing places in the world, including Rome, Amsterdam, Atilla, Forest of Dean, Anglessey, Tenby (yes I love Wales now!!!), Portsmouth (love that too), Lancashire, Cheshire, Buxton, Prague...

019. I was never alone, and I'm never alone, I just need to reach out to any one of the amazing support network I have around me, and they will help me find my way back home

020. Love, and finding the right person, was completely and utterly worth the wait

Life

LIFE

Hello dear readers, long time no write! Isn't it strange? I never normally disappear for this long. Since starting this blog in July 2014, it has never taken me four weeks to write a new post. I always prided myself on having a seemingly continual stream of words and ideas to share with you all, and on a fairly regular basis too. When the blogs I love to read would come churning to a sudden stop, with no new post seen for weeks, months on end, I found it so hard to understand why. I loved that person's insights, ideas, creativity, writing style, unique voice, I thought they were doing a great job. So why did they suddenly stop? Where did the blogger go? Why couldn't they write just one measly little post? I just didn't get it whatsoever, and I promised myself that I wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't fall into the trap. 

Well I guess all I can say now is ooops. Because it happened. It finally, happened, almost 3 years down the line. I slipped up. I disappeared from the blogsphere. And all of a sudden, I've returned. 

Before I sat down to write this post, I was thinking about those reasons why, and how I could explain my absence. So many things have happened this last month, and I could easily use any one of them as justification. If I wanted to, I could explain by way of every little thing that I've done this last month alone, yet it still wouldn't really feel like enough. It wouldn't be hitting the nail on the head. And so the only explanation I can really come up with, is this: life. Life is the reason why I haven't posted for a while. Life is the thing that got in the way. Life is the thing I've been doing for the last four weeks or so. Life is what preoccupied me and fascinated me and took up all my time and energy. So if there's anyone or anything to be pointing the finger at, it's that bloody little blighter. 

And I know I've been alive for almost 21 years now, so I know a thing or two about life. But it's strange because it's only in the last year that I've come to understand it properly. It's only really in the last year that I've experienced my own definition of living life to the full. And what I mean by that, is before I used to think I was living my life to the full, but I was never entirely sure if that was true. Of course there were times when I knew. I knew with every ounce of my being. But often there was still an element of doubt. That 'is this it?' feeling, and the reluctant and placid acceptance that accompanies it, all the while secretly hoping that there must be more than this. There's got to be. Has to be. Or else what is there worth living for? 

It gives me immense pleasure to tell you that things have changed since then.

This last year in particular, things have moved, shifted, tilted. It's like life swelled out into this giant, vast, beautiful ocean, and I ran across a massive diving board and nosedived right into the heart of it. I've experienced everything so fully and acutely. I've soaked up all that I can and felt all those rippling waves across the surface of my skin. Everywhere I turn it's just life that I see, feel, experience. And I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I've lived in the past and future for so long, and now I'm finally living in the present. I just don't know. But I think that could be the reason why. After god knows how many years, I'm finally living in 2017 instead of 2006 or 2078. And it feels indescribably amazing. I can't believe I haven't been doing this sooner.

And if that explanation still doesn't really make sense, let me try a different way too. These days, I am thinking thoughts like this: 'you only live once', 'there are more important things in life', 'if it makes you happy in any kind of way, do it', 'you can always make time', 'the difficult times won't last forever', 'if today was your last day, would you feel happy with how you lived it', 'say yes', 'all you can do is try your best', 'enjoy the memories as they happen', 'experience things with every part of your being', 'be there, be present', 'enjoy and appreciate this time in your life', 'go easy on yourself','you're going to make mistakes, and that's ok', 'spare the worries for another day', 'do that thing you want to do and don't apologise or feel bad for doing it'. 

Or in more concise terms, this George Harrison quote sums everything up quite nicely: "It's being here now that's important. There's no past and no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we cannot relieve it. And we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one." And this is essentially the message that's been underpinning my life this last month. And I want you to know that I don't regret listening to or following it in the slightest. It's the same reason why I chose the accompanying photo to this post: it summarises the last month of my life so perfectly. That is me right here, right now, and I am so happy.

And it's not that I didn't want to write, because I did. I really, really did. I've had so many opinions and ideas and thoughts that I would absolutely love to share. So many things have inspired me. So many things have intrigued me. So many things have provoked a response inside of me. Almost every day I think of a great post idea. But I was just too damn busy living my life to sit and put the ideas to paper.

I've been to parties. I've been practising for a 10k race. I've been finishing my uni deadlines and stressing over them too. I've been lounging in the park. I've been on early morning, late afternoon and late night adventures with my friends. I've been watching movies, reading books, baking cakes. I've been having catch-ups with dear friends. I've been calling my family. I've been taking infinite amounts of photos. I've been smiling at strangers and having them smile back. I've been making gorgeous, beautiful memories. I've been eating mega nice food. I've been laughing so hard and smiling all the time. I've been planning my 21st birthday. I've been singing to songs as I lie on my bed, eyes shut, feeling alive. I've been exploring new parts of Manchester. I've played korfball matches and basketball. I've done events for elderly people. I've had McDonalds at 5am in A&E. I've danced in the kitchen with my housemates. I've done lots of new drawings. I've planned trips and new adventures. And I've been loving somebody and experiencing what it's like to be loved in return, for the first time in my life.

And once again, life is not perfect. It never is. But I am so content, and I am living life to the fullest I possibly can. I am making the memories, and gaining the experience, and trying my best to understand life in all its maddening, unpredictable and beautiful glory. And I am loving every second of it. 

Transition

TRANSITION

I walk down the same streets I've walked a thousand times over. Maybe more. Their familiarity is like a soft wave hello. The sun shines across a crisp, blue, cloudless sky. The cars flow by at a gentle pace and people lazily walk to and fro. It's an early evening in the blossoming springtime, and the genesis of new life, new energy, new reason and meaning seems soaked into every ounce of atom that surrounds me. There is a tangible peace and serenity hanging in the air. The city normally set to full wattage and high voltage is relishing in this precious prism of a moment where it can finally, truly breathe. It is beautiful and joyful simply to be within it, and relish the mere truth that I am here amongst it all. That I am alive and aware enough to witness, appreciate, cherish this moment in time where nothing else much matters except the immediate present. 

I think back to my day, and the things I have done. The simplest of joys I have chosen to embed into the hours. Who was there. What we did. What we said. The laughing. The talking. The magnetism. I can't help but marvel at how relaxed I have been, and how willingly I chose to pause the manic highway of my life for once, and revel in the beautiful art of doing nothing instead. Of freeing myself from the routine, the controls, the pressures and fears, and instead following the guiding steps of my heart and soul, the call of my innermost desires, and doing what I truly want to do. It makes me realise how infrequently I give myself this freedom, these blessed opportunities to simply be selfish and indulgent, the chance to switch off and live a life which is all about just that, living, being human, making reckless choices, and then skidding in at the last minute, breathless, content, rushed off your feet to try save the day. Why is it only now that I've discovered, and finally understand, what it is like to really, truly live? To allow yourself a day where you don't care about nothing else except your happiness? I never realised how good it felt.

As the sky begins to wash over with shades of pink and purple, I think of the months gone by, and how much my life has changed this year, how much I have changed. I think of the memories I have made. The chances and risks I have taken. The mistakes I have tried to rectify. The challenges I have overcome. The happiness and love I have been lucky enough to feel and share. The people who have been there along the way. And I'm thinking what a life. What a joy. I still feel like that wallflower I have always been, and I don't think that feeling will ever fade, and I don't want it to. I like that part of me, the part that is a little shy, tentative, observing, curious, watching from the sidelines, trying to make sense of the swirling mass of energy, feeling, emotion that swirls throughout the crooks and cavities of my mind and body. But I'm also starting to feel like the wildflower in the meadow, brazen and free and bold, full of the spirit and tenacity to push through the surface and into the world, fuelled by the passion to live. Experience. Know. And I feel like a sunflower too, full of hope, positivity, happiness and contentment that I both receive and hope to pass on. I feel like the birds that fly, the sun that shines, the clouds that gently come and go, the grass that continually shoots up, up and up, the raindrops that live cyclically, the rainbow that shoots and soars across the sky when everything falls into place.

With every step I take I feel like the pieces of a jigsaw finally slotting into place. It feels a little bit like reaching a milestone. A checkpoint. Like when you level up in a game. I'm very aware of the significance of this day. This moment. I catch my reflection in a window and I see the girl I was and the woman I will one day become, the person I'm on journeying towards. I can almost see how my life will pan out. It's like I've realised there's a purpose to my existence, for my being here on this planet, and living every day to see the next that follows. I need to stick around for a while longer. Later on I call my sister, and we gladly spend a generous abundance of phone minutes trying to retrace the paths of our lives in this rare week we haven't spoken. Our excitement at seeing each other again is now bigger than the both of us, and we can't wait to evaporate the distance that has kept us apart for what feels like forever. And when I get home, I walk off the train and I hear my name, so I turn and there stands my Dad on the platform stairs. The joy I feel is indescribable, and I run over to him and envelope him in a hug that could encompass a solar system or two. I feel a wave of happiness again, that is replicated when I see my Mum, who has made a little cake especially for me and stands smiling at the door to welcome me home. I am overcome with love for these two people who have given me everything. Who are always the answer to the question. Who are my home. Who gave me the chance to live. Who are infinitely there. How did I ever get to be so lucky?

And when I finally go to bed, back in my childhood bedroom, I have to take a moment to think and reflect on my life. Who I am. Where I am. How far I have come. The sheer wonder of it all. The magic. The happiness. Everything has always been worth it. Everything has always evolved so seamlessly, and in hindsight, logically, and me and my life are the greatest of companions. And as is always the case, I don't know what the makers of my destiny have in store for me next, but what they have given me so far, and the life I am lucky enough to be living right here in this present moment, flaws and all, is an unbelievable blessing, and I am so very, very, very grateful, humbled and appreciative for every single day that I get. 

March Music

MARCH MUSIC

Hello dear readers, happy Friday! To celebrate this beautiful sunny day (as I write this I'm looking right out at gorgeous realms of baby blue sky and being partially blinded by the ethereal sunlight), and the wonderful month of March, I've put together my monthly playlist full of songs that I have been loving, have just discovered, or downright adore, and I would absolutely love to share it with you. It's always around this time of the month that my freshly sown music harvest reaps a bundle of new gleaming golden goodness, and I listen to my favourite songs so many times that I realise I can't keep this love to myself. I have to share it with the world. So here we are, a swanky new playlist filled to the brim with gorgeous tunes. Favourites of mine include Little Comets (no. 14), Sia (no. 5), Father John Misty (no. 2) and Rex Orange County (no. 17). I hope you enjoy!

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001. BE EASY - MR SANKA

002. REAL LOVE BABY - FATHER JOHN MISTY
003. LIABILITY- LORDE
004. GREEN LIGHT- LORDE
005. HELIUM- SIA
006. DON'T KILL MY VIBE- SIGRID
007. GROWS OLD- THIRDSTORY
008. IN YOUR ARMS- FELIX RIEBL
009. WHERE THE SKIES ARE BLUE- THE LUMINEERS
010. SEND ME ON MY WAY- RUSTED ROOT
011. MIDNIGHT CITY- M83
012. GALWAY GIRL- ED SHEERAN
013. FRIENDS- ELIZA AND THE BEAR
014. LITTLE ITALY- LITTLE COMETS
015. SOMEONE IN THE CROWD- DODIE CLARK
016. TRUTH IS A BEAUTIFUL THING- LONDON GRAMMAR
017. SUNFLOWER- REX ORANGE COUNTY
018. WHEN THE WATER MEETS THE MOUNTAINS- LEWIS WATSON
019. VIVIENNE- SUNDARA KARMA
020. AWAY WITH THE NIGHT- PRIDES
021. IT AIN'T ME- KYGO FT. SELENA GOMEZ
022. PASSIONFRUIT- DRAKE
023. PORK SODA- GLASS ANIMALS
024. THREE WORN WORDS- ALT-J
025. CHARM ASSAULT- RIDE
026. GREEN EYES- COLDPLAY
027. MORE THAN A FEELING- BOSTON