Life

LIFE

Hello dear readers, long time no write! Isn't it strange? I never normally disappear for this long. Since starting this blog in July 2014, it has never taken me four weeks to write a new post. I always prided myself on having a seemingly continual stream of words and ideas to share with you all, and on a fairly regular basis too. When the blogs I love to read would come churning to a sudden stop, with no new post seen for weeks, months on end, I found it so hard to understand why. I loved that person's insights, ideas, creativity, writing style, unique voice, I thought they were doing a great job. So why did they suddenly stop? Where did the blogger go? Why couldn't they write just one measly little post? I just didn't get it whatsoever, and I promised myself that I wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't fall into the trap. 

Well I guess all I can say now is ooops. Because it happened. It finally, happened, almost 3 years down the line. I slipped up. I disappeared from the blogsphere. And all of a sudden, I've returned. 

Before I sat down to write this post, I was thinking about those reasons why, and how I could explain my absence. So many things have happened this last month, and I could easily use any one of them as justification. If I wanted to, I could explain by way of every little thing that I've done this last month alone, yet it still wouldn't really feel like enough. It wouldn't be hitting the nail on the head. And so the only explanation I can really come up with, is this: life. Life is the reason why I haven't posted for a while. Life is the thing that got in the way. Life is the thing I've been doing for the last four weeks or so. Life is what preoccupied me and fascinated me and took up all my time and energy. So if there's anyone or anything to be pointing the finger at, it's that bloody little blighter. 

And I know I've been alive for almost 21 years now, so I know a thing or two about life. But it's strange because it's only in the last year that I've come to understand it properly. It's only really in the last year that I've experienced my own definition of living life to the full. And what I mean by that, is before I used to think I was living my life to the full, but I was never entirely sure if that was true. Of course there were times when I knew. I knew with every ounce of my being. But often there was still an element of doubt. That 'is this it?' feeling, and the reluctant and placid acceptance that accompanies it, all the while secretly hoping that there must be more than this. There's got to be. Has to be. Or else what is there worth living for? 

It gives me immense pleasure to tell you that things have changed since then.

This last year in particular, things have moved, shifted, tilted. It's like life swelled out into this giant, vast, beautiful ocean, and I ran across a massive diving board and nosedived right into the heart of it. I've experienced everything so fully and acutely. I've soaked up all that I can and felt all those rippling waves across the surface of my skin. Everywhere I turn it's just life that I see, feel, experience. And I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I've lived in the past and future for so long, and now I'm finally living in the present. I just don't know. But I think that could be the reason why. After god knows how many years, I'm finally living in 2017 instead of 2006 or 2078. And it feels indescribably amazing. I can't believe I haven't been doing this sooner.

And if that explanation still doesn't really make sense, let me try a different way too. These days, I am thinking thoughts like this: 'you only live once', 'there are more important things in life', 'if it makes you happy in any kind of way, do it', 'you can always make time', 'the difficult times won't last forever', 'if today was your last day, would you feel happy with how you lived it', 'say yes', 'all you can do is try your best', 'enjoy the memories as they happen', 'experience things with every part of your being', 'be there, be present', 'enjoy and appreciate this time in your life', 'go easy on yourself','you're going to make mistakes, and that's ok', 'spare the worries for another day', 'do that thing you want to do and don't apologise or feel bad for doing it'. 

Or in more concise terms, this George Harrison quote sums everything up quite nicely: "It's being here now that's important. There's no past and no future. Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we cannot relieve it. And we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one." And this is essentially the message that's been underpinning my life this last month. And I want you to know that I don't regret listening to or following it in the slightest. It's the same reason why I chose the accompanying photo to this post: it summarises the last month of my life so perfectly. That is me right here, right now, and I am so happy.

And it's not that I didn't want to write, because I did. I really, really did. I've had so many opinions and ideas and thoughts that I would absolutely love to share. So many things have inspired me. So many things have intrigued me. So many things have provoked a response inside of me. Almost every day I think of a great post idea. But I was just too damn busy living my life to sit and put the ideas to paper.

I've been to parties. I've been practising for a 10k race. I've been finishing my uni deadlines and stressing over them too. I've been lounging in the park. I've been on early morning, late afternoon and late night adventures with my friends. I've been watching movies, reading books, baking cakes. I've been having catch-ups with dear friends. I've been calling my family. I've been taking infinite amounts of photos. I've been smiling at strangers and having them smile back. I've been making gorgeous, beautiful memories. I've been eating mega nice food. I've been laughing so hard and smiling all the time. I've been planning my 21st birthday. I've been singing to songs as I lie on my bed, eyes shut, feeling alive. I've been exploring new parts of Manchester. I've played korfball matches and basketball. I've done events for elderly people. I've had McDonalds at 5am in A&E. I've danced in the kitchen with my housemates. I've done lots of new drawings. I've planned trips and new adventures. And I've been loving somebody and experiencing what it's like to be loved in return, for the first time in my life.

And once again, life is not perfect. It never is. But I am so content, and I am living life to the fullest I possibly can. I am making the memories, and gaining the experience, and trying my best to understand life in all its maddening, unpredictable and beautiful glory. And I am loving every second of it.