Transition

TRANSITION

I walk down the same streets I've walked a thousand times over. Maybe more. Their familiarity is like a soft wave hello. The sun shines across a crisp, blue, cloudless sky. The cars flow by at a gentle pace and people lazily walk to and fro. It's an early evening in the blossoming springtime, and the genesis of new life, new energy, new reason and meaning seems soaked into every ounce of atom that surrounds me. There is a tangible peace and serenity hanging in the air. The city normally set to full wattage and high voltage is relishing in this precious prism of a moment where it can finally, truly breathe. It is beautiful and joyful simply to be within it, and relish the mere truth that I am here amongst it all. That I am alive and aware enough to witness, appreciate, cherish this moment in time where nothing else much matters except the immediate present. 

I think back to my day, and the things I have done. The simplest of joys I have chosen to embed into the hours. Who was there. What we did. What we said. The laughing. The talking. The magnetism. I can't help but marvel at how relaxed I have been, and how willingly I chose to pause the manic highway of my life for once, and revel in the beautiful art of doing nothing instead. Of freeing myself from the routine, the controls, the pressures and fears, and instead following the guiding steps of my heart and soul, the call of my innermost desires, and doing what I truly want to do. It makes me realise how infrequently I give myself this freedom, these blessed opportunities to simply be selfish and indulgent, the chance to switch off and live a life which is all about just that, living, being human, making reckless choices, and then skidding in at the last minute, breathless, content, rushed off your feet to try save the day. Why is it only now that I've discovered, and finally understand, what it is like to really, truly live? To allow yourself a day where you don't care about nothing else except your happiness? I never realised how good it felt.

As the sky begins to wash over with shades of pink and purple, I think of the months gone by, and how much my life has changed this year, how much I have changed. I think of the memories I have made. The chances and risks I have taken. The mistakes I have tried to rectify. The challenges I have overcome. The happiness and love I have been lucky enough to feel and share. The people who have been there along the way. And I'm thinking what a life. What a joy. I still feel like that wallflower I have always been, and I don't think that feeling will ever fade, and I don't want it to. I like that part of me, the part that is a little shy, tentative, observing, curious, watching from the sidelines, trying to make sense of the swirling mass of energy, feeling, emotion that swirls throughout the crooks and cavities of my mind and body. But I'm also starting to feel like the wildflower in the meadow, brazen and free and bold, full of the spirit and tenacity to push through the surface and into the world, fuelled by the passion to live. Experience. Know. And I feel like a sunflower too, full of hope, positivity, happiness and contentment that I both receive and hope to pass on. I feel like the birds that fly, the sun that shines, the clouds that gently come and go, the grass that continually shoots up, up and up, the raindrops that live cyclically, the rainbow that shoots and soars across the sky when everything falls into place.

With every step I take I feel like the pieces of a jigsaw finally slotting into place. It feels a little bit like reaching a milestone. A checkpoint. Like when you level up in a game. I'm very aware of the significance of this day. This moment. I catch my reflection in a window and I see the girl I was and the woman I will one day become, the person I'm on journeying towards. I can almost see how my life will pan out. It's like I've realised there's a purpose to my existence, for my being here on this planet, and living every day to see the next that follows. I need to stick around for a while longer. Later on I call my sister, and we gladly spend a generous abundance of phone minutes trying to retrace the paths of our lives in this rare week we haven't spoken. Our excitement at seeing each other again is now bigger than the both of us, and we can't wait to evaporate the distance that has kept us apart for what feels like forever. And when I get home, I walk off the train and I hear my name, so I turn and there stands my Dad on the platform stairs. The joy I feel is indescribable, and I run over to him and envelope him in a hug that could encompass a solar system or two. I feel a wave of happiness again, that is replicated when I see my Mum, who has made a little cake especially for me and stands smiling at the door to welcome me home. I am overcome with love for these two people who have given me everything. Who are always the answer to the question. Who are my home. Who gave me the chance to live. Who are infinitely there. How did I ever get to be so lucky?

And when I finally go to bed, back in my childhood bedroom, I have to take a moment to think and reflect on my life. Who I am. Where I am. How far I have come. The sheer wonder of it all. The magic. The happiness. Everything has always been worth it. Everything has always evolved so seamlessly, and in hindsight, logically, and me and my life are the greatest of companions. And as is always the case, I don't know what the makers of my destiny have in store for me next, but what they have given me so far, and the life I am lucky enough to be living right here in this present moment, flaws and all, is an unbelievable blessing, and I am so very, very, very grateful, humbled and appreciative for every single day that I get.