Still Trying To Figure It All Out

STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT

The other day I met up with my darling friends for pudding (u know how we do it down 'ere in Derbados), and at some point we somehow ended up talking about that elusive notion of what comes next once university is finished, and we transition into actual proper grown ups living actual proper grown up lives. For me, all this talk is strictly no go area. It's bury your head in the sand, drown it out with Beyonce, do a Forrest Gump and run across all the US continents kind of stuff. To be quite honest, it freaks me out a bit, and I thought that everyone else felt the same way too. Turns out that this isn't always the case. 

I didn't even realise, but so many of my friends are so on it with life that it actually kind of blows my mind. They're absolutely killing it. Even today I met up with some of my uni friends, and guess what, they're on the so on it bandwagon too, and once again it made me realise just how. many. people. around me actually have their shite together. And how I most definitely do not. These people are everywhere, and I can't help but be in awe of them for figuring out all the grown up, adult fandango that always seems to elude me. I don't think these people realise how amazing they actually are. Long term relationships. Starting families. Taking out mortgages. Doing proper jobs. Earning proper dollar. Owning cars. Marriage. Engagements. Buying houses. Saving to buy houses. Five year plans. Career goals. Settling down. All these grown up, scary things, they've got it sorted. They know what they're doing and where they're going, and the future doesn't seem to scare them because they at least have some idea of what to expect.

Sometimes I really do think I'm doing pretty alright in life. I'm not doing too bad a job. You know me, ambling along nicely, and yes it's true, I have been known to do that sassy gal walk down the street, during one of those rare moments where everything in life seems to come together, and you're all like beep beep, honk honk, watch out world, gal killin' it at lyf coming thru. Sure I know how that feels. Don't we all. But lets be honest now, do I really have my shite together? Am I really, truly owning it? Do I even really deserve to be called an adult? Erm.... let me get back to you on that m8. There's a reason why Bridget Jones is my homegal you know. 

Whilst everyone else seems to have got it all mapped out, and they have that gorgeous assurance and trust in the future, I don't even feel like I'm scratching the surface. I only know what to expect from life, up until summer 2018. After that it's anybody's guess. I have absolutely no clue, and to be honest I don't realllyyy see that changing in the immediate future either. For the last sixteen years of my life, education has been the driver of my life. That's what sets the markers and paths and determiners. So in a couple of years time, when I finally, hopefully, finish my long term affinity and dedication to education and get that snazzy degree, that's it. Hello real world. Let's be having ya.

I used to feel in control of my future, and fairly certain about what I wanted and expected. But as I've gotten older, and I've lived a bit, gained more experiences, had a taste of what's actually out there, I've come to realise that nothing is quite as it seems. Nothing quite goes as planned. And when it all comes down to it, your whole life is essentially at the mercy of chance and fate. The  things you expect to happen don't. Something else happens instead. You believe everything will go hunky dory, then lo and behold, something goes completely and utterly tits up. The road you always thought you'd travel down, well it turns out you get in a bit of a gander and you end up taking a completely different one instead. The milestones you thought you'd tick off like a nice little checklist don't occur in a neat and tidy chronological order without any fuss or bother. 

Life is this big old hunky melting pot of unpredictability, possibility, wonder, tough shite, karma and everything else in between, and at the age of 20, I'm so acutely aware of the fact that I can only predict and plan my life up to a certain extent. Life will inevitably get in the way. And I guess that I've come to accept that, perhaps prematurely, and therefore I wholeheartedly trust that what will be will be. Whether I end up where I somewhat expected to, or I end up somewhere else entirely. I'm okay with that. I don't have my designs on life. In the short term yes, I can formulate plans and give life a nudge in the direction I want it to, and yes I am trying to live my life how I want it to, but the difference is that I don't have a clue where all these things will lead me. I don't know what the end result will be. I don't even really care to see it. Right now, I guess you could say I'm doing things because I want to do them, not because I have to or because there's an ulterior motive driving it all. There is no greater plan to attest to.

And sometimes, I think that this is absolutely the best way to live life. The unpredictability and the uncertainty and the unknown is exciting, it keeps you on your toes. It forces you to live in the here and now. It gives you freedom. There's less pressure. Less stress. Less hurt, frustration, anger, sadness if things don't go how you planned or expected them to. Anything could happen. What will be will be. Focus on what's important. But sometimes, sometimes it does my absolute nut in. Not having your shite together sometimes feels like taking a massive gamble. All the things that make it great are also all the reasons why it's not so great. I don't know if I choose to live this way because I'm just a ditz and a scatterbrain and not in a position to take control of my life. I don't know if it's because I'm scared of commitment and certainty and having everything mapped to a T. I don't know if it's because in a way I don't want to have it all figured out, because actually, I don't even know what I want anymore. Or maybe it's because I actually quite like the uncertainty. Maybe it's something I need. Thrive off.

In my life right now, I'm pretty certain about the next two years because I know that this is my ticket to the life I hope to lead one day, it's a tool to get me from A to B, wherever B may be. The institutional format of education gives your life that certainty. But after that, the ball is in my court, and that's precisely when I feel myself switch to easygoing, relaxed, what will be will be territory, just at the thought of it. Because I know that my life will suddenly become this blank canvas, and I'll have this selection of paints I've acquired over the years, and it will finally be my job to decide how the story goes next. And that's the bit where I guess I get a bit stuck, and I just can't understand how people have got all this figured out already.

Even though I absolutely love my course, I still don't know if I'll get a job as a Speech Therapist, or if I'll do a massive U-turn and decide I want to be a plumber or a world famous singer instead. I have no idea where I want to live after uni. I don't know if I want to travel or not. Will I take out a mortgage and actually buy a house which will then be mine and mine alone, or will I just pay rent forever cos who needs to own a house anyway, right? I only learnt what a mortgage is the other day, for Pete's sake. Meanwhile, when it comes to partners and marriage and families and all that jazz, forget barely scratching the surface, I haven't even got within an 100 mile radius yet. This is the girl who, when asked by a guy how her holiday is going, replies that it's all good, been a bit busy, and that I have a tanned nose. This is the girl who asked a guy out for drinks at 3am in the morning and sent waaaay too many winking faces whilst insisting that she definitely wasn't drunk. This is the girl who thought it was totally acceptable to send emojis of Mexican men holding beer, and pictures of Draco Malfoy riding a llama, to a guy she liked. So forget about wondering if it's a choice not to have my life in check, and instead lets question if I'm even ready to do such a thing.

My life at the moment is such a farce that I don't even think it's possible to plan any kind of long term future. Just getting through each day without making a complete tit out of myself, and laughing when the inevitable happens, is hard enough. Even today I was in a pub, went to the loo and didn't lock the toilet door properly, so I got caught out mid-pee by a complete stranger. These embarrassing episodes happen so frequently that I've actually come to expect them, and when they do happen, I have to ask myself is it any wonder that I don't really have a clue what I'm doing, and is it really such a surprise that other people don't expect that of me either?

Growing up, there's just so much expectation and pressure to live this textbook life, but what happens if you've taken the path less travelled by? What happens then? For me it's all I've ever known. There's still a good handful of things that I haven't done yet and sometimes wonder if I ever will. People want to present this perfect life and maintain this image, and they strive to achieve it too, but honestly I'm not even sure that perfection exists. I don't even think that perfect life exists, and to be quite frank, I don't think I care for it either. I know this stuff gets to me sometimes, and when I'm walking around or on public transport or amongst friends, I often think about these things and wonder why my life has never followed the same linear chronology as everybody else's. Why did I end up doing things differently, even though it was never my intention?

But you know, when it comes down to it, if I could trade in my life for somebody else's I know I would never do it in a million years. My life might be a bit of a mismatch, and most definitely a big old farce, and sure there's still an awful lot of things to figure out and get done and think about, but I'm starting to realise that that's okay. I'm happy with the way I've done things. I'm happy being me. And in time I'll figure out what I want, what I need and where I want to go. Maybe one day I'll have my own five year plan, or maybe I won't. One day in the distant, distant future, I'm talking light years here, I might just stop being a Bridget Jones and instead be more of a Carrie Bradshaw. At some point I'll experience the things I'm yet to experience. Things will fall into place when the time is right, and sure they might fall apart a few more times before then, but that's okay. I can live with that. 

At this time in my life, I'm very lucky in that I have so much freedom, so much energy, so much hope and possibility. I'm surrounded by so much love and support. There's all these opportunities to seize, people to meet, place to go, things to do. I can't stop marvelling at this incredible feeling of knowing that the whole world is lying right there at my feet. And I know that if I really, really wanted to, I could sit down and write out the story of my life right here, right now, at the age of 20. I could do that. But I don't want to. Whilst 20 year old me is pretty great, I don't want her deciding and planning my whole life. She hasn't lived enough. Experienced enough. Seen enough. She's still learning how to lock toilet doors properly and not spill toothpaste down her tshirt in the morning. She's still figuring out how to talk to boys and use bleach and not knock over everything that lies in her path and wondering why her life is essentially a ready made sitcom. There's so much she doesn't know. And sure, in time she'll learn, maybe, just maybe, but for now, you know what, I'm actually pretty content with writing the story of my life as I go along. The pen is in my hand, the page is blank, there's a whole world out there in front of me, and I can't help but think that that's a pretty darn groovy feeling.