The End of An Era

Me at 13 // Me at 19

THE END OF AN ERA

I was just reading this lovely little post by one of my fave bloggers Hannah, all about how brilliant the teenage girls of today are. And all throughout the post I was feeling all girl power/ you go girl/ work it sister, and actually rather proud and pleased to be a teenage girl myself. As much as teenage girls get slack and iffy stereotypes and reputations, and usually not enough credit where we're due either, and as much as being a teenage girl can be a right pain and constant uphill battle, I don't know about you but I bloody love it. Which is why, after reading Hannah's post, I happened to look at today's date, only to realise that my own teenagedom will be over in nine days time. In nine days, I will officially be a 20 year old woman, beginning the next all important phase of my life; my twenties. Excuse me whilst I go dig a hole and hide in it.

At the start of this year, when I realised how close my twenties actually were, it proper freaked me out. I could literally feel the fear accumulate in my heart. All throughout our lives, the media impose this idea of your twenties being the best, and in many respects the most important, years of your life. It's the time when you're officially an adult, and the whole world lies at you feet, ready in wait. It's the time for meeting partners, getting married, having babies, getting a house, deciding where to live, where to settle down, finding a career, progressing through your career, earning your own money and independently supporting yourself. It's a time to be young and free and wild and energetic, a time to seize life by both hands, a time to make yourself, prove yourself, develop yourself. It's the time when you're as old as the characters in Friends, except this is your version of that special time in life when friends are your family, and you're trying to find your way in the world. You're the same age as all the girls in the rom-coms, all the celebrities that you looked up to and aspired to when you were a teenager... And all of that is both incredibly exciting and very, very scary, because if like me you get nervous when faced with the looming expectation at the start of every new year, to make it as good, or if not better than the year before it, imagine what it's like when faced with a whole decade to make as good as the last.

When you're a teenager, it feels like it's going to last forever. You will always be caught in this infinite stage of pre-adulthood, the security of what feels like a prolonged childhood, feeling almost ready to launch yourself into the waiting world but just not quite there yet. There's still more things to learn and figure out, there's still some growing up and deciding to do, there's still some more development that needs to take place. Even now, I feel like I still need to be a teenager for a while longer. Yet admittedly as this year has progressed, and my twenties get increasingly closer, I've begun to warm to the idea of being 20, and more recently I've actually begun to eagerly anticipate it. Although I adore being a teenager, I can sense within me that it's time to move on and leave it all behind. Time to start a new chapter. I feel ready for my twenties, especially because so may people I know are already there, long since crossed that boundary from childhood to adulthood. And now it's finally my turn. Being a teenager can't offer me much more. My formative years are very almost over, and so now it's time to be the grown up version of me. 

In many ways, turning 20 to me symbolises reaching an age that better reflects who I am as a person, and how I'm feeling about myself nowadays. I feel maturer, and more sure of myself. I feel like a woman, instead of a girl. I walk with more confidence and grace. I dress differently. I carry myself differently. I feel stronger and wiser and tougher. I know how to defend myself. I have my own opinions, ideas, plans, dreams, interests. I'm drawn to the world, and I love to explore it. I've got experiences and advice to share. I can listen to two sides of an argument and make an informed decision of my own. I have my own little online business and plans to create another. I've learnt an awful lot of things. I take care of myself. I have my own house. I can drive. I pay bills. I'm half way through my degree. I wear lipstick and perfume. I have a smart coat. I constantly bake. I bleach toilets. I take the rubbish out. I  can wear heels without falling over (or just about). I can be very professional when I want to be. I converse with people much older than me and hold my own. I have a good idea of what I want and I know what's important to me, and what I believe in. I have routes mapped out, determining where I want to go next. I feel like I want to change the world, and I'm already coming up with ideas about how to do that. Granted I still have my Bridget Jones moments, and I know I will probably never be the height of sophistication, but that's okay. Bridget does end up with Mr Darcy after all, and he loves her just the way she is. So you know. All hope is not lost.

As I get closer to 20, and more people I know are in their twenties than not, I sometimes feel like my teenage status goes against me. Sometimes I wish I was 20 already so I could have a bit of weight behind me. Another reason to make people take me seriously. I've had it before where a guy asks me how old I am, and when I say 19 they visibly recoil and express their surprise at how young I am, even if we're only a couple of years apart in age. They still think I'm just a child, that I'm still trying to find who I am, that I don't know anything about the world, don't know what I'm on about, inexperienced, naive, lost. That I haven't even begun to experience life yet. I'm only just getting started. And I guess in many respects, they would be right. For me life is only just beginning, or at least my life as I want it to be, with me living it as the best version of myself. The me who's all grown up. The me who my parents could only dream of one day meeting, when they looked at me as a newborn baby for the first time, wondering who I would become, and what secrets I would reveal in the passing years. In a way, it's almost like being re-born. This is when my life really begins. But that being said, I've already experienced so much. I may only be 19, but I've done an awful lot of living in those 19 years, and none more so than in my teenage years.

When I think back to who I was when I was 13, and who I am now at 19, the sheer difference between the two leaves me in awe. I can't believe that in spite of the massive changes and transitions that have happened in between, I'm still a teenager. That I was and am both these versions of myself within the same time period. Part of me genuinely can't comprehend how that's even possible. I feel like a completely different person, even though parts of me have stayed the same throughout. I've gone from a being a stubborn little argumentative madam, to someone who is a lot more in control of her emotions, and can think logically about things, stay calm, understand other people better, understand the impact of my actions better, and act maturely and diplomatically. I've passed GCSE's, A-Levels and my first year of uni (and hopefully the second too!). I've gone from looking rather hideous, and sporting that typical awkward teenager look complete with Selena Gomez inspired fringe, slogan t-shirts and boot cut jeans, thinking I looked like an absolute babe, to being a lot more fashion aware, embracing my figure, developing my own unique personal style, honing my inspirations, and most importantly, making good clothing choices. I've grown in confidence and bravery and perseverance. I've come out of my shell and out of my comfort zone. I've learnt how to defend myself and to not take things so seriously, personally or sensitively.

I've tried to do good in the world, be a good person, and make a difference to the lives of other people. I've overcome obstacles, navigated my way through difficult times, learnt how to forgive and move on, how to make peace, how to let people go and how to welcome them back. I've come to understand who I am as a person, and how that impacts my life both negatively and positively, as have I tried to make changes to the things that aren't so great, in order to make myself the best I can be. I've been my own worst enemy and experienced that horrible self-destruction, but on the converse, I have also learnt how to help myself, be kind to myself, love myself, and subsequently become my own greatest friend. I've learnt how to understand other people better, and accept their flaws and celebrate their goodness. I've lost friends and gained friends. I've made difficult choices. I've proven myself and unleashed my potential. I've made my mark. I've seized opportunities and expanded on my talents and experiences. I've tried to stick to what I believe in, and stay true to who I am, whilst also being open to new ideas and perspectives. I've become independent, and strived to be a leader, not a follower. I've seen lots of different parts of the world. I've expanded my musical horizons. I've read god knows how many books. I've become more physically active, improved my health and fitness, discovered the joy of vegetables and now willingly eat salmon of my own accord.

I've gone on to love and embrace my body, flaws and all. I've educated myself and sought new information with which to fill my mind. I've learnt how to drive a car. I've become a fully fledged architecture nerd. I've learnt how to appreciate the small things in life, and derive happiness from the simple little everyday joys. I've learnt how to see the beauty in the world. I've got better at my drawing. I've learnt how to apply make-up, and I actually own it too. I've learnt how to be more open, how to start and maintain conversation, how to close the distance, how to let people in. I've come to realise that nobody is perfect. I've been lucky enough to experience that once in a lifetime connection with another person. I've developed a sense of humour, and smiled so much that I have dimples. I've also adopted a laugh that sounds like how Jimmy Carr would laugh if he was a seal. I've left home. I've lived in a big city. I've learnt how to see the positive in every situation, and followed my mantra that everything happens for a reason. I try to be nice to everybody I meet, and treat them right, make them feel loved and valued and listened to. I've developed a strong work ethic. I don't take things for granted. I know how and when to say sorry. I try to help other people whenever I can. I know what makes me tick, and what grinds my gears. I've made so many wonderful, amazing, cherished memories that I hope I remember for the rest of my days. I've had fun. I've worked hard. I've lived my life exactly how I wanted to live it, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.

Of course being a teenager has its sucky times without a doubt. It isn't always great, and at the time you just don't realise how much you actually have to contend with, nor do you realise just how fabulously you're handling it all. It often feels like a million obstacles are constantly placed in your way, and you have no idea how to get through them all, and if you ever will. But in time things change, you change, and one by one you knock those obstacles down and carry yourself forwards into the future. You just keep getting better and better, and you don't even realise it. And sometimes it takes you two weeks before your 20th birthday to realise just how far you've come, and realise that actually, you haven't done too badly, as far as handling the tricky roads of adolescence goes. Being a teenager is easily one of the best things to ever happen to you. These years of my life have been somewhat extraordinary, especially when I pause to think about them and truly appreciate just what I've done, and what I've achieved, experienced, learnt too. Even now as I write, all these memories are reeling through my mind, all tinged with a beautiful nostalgia, and I realise now how happy these last six years of my life have been. In the eyes of another, they might not seem that special or amazing, but to me they are. It's like a dream. A perfectly imperfect dream.

Youth is such a beautiful, magical, wonderful, pure, simple, exciting time in a person's life. I sometimes wish I could go back and live it all over again, all the bad and all the good. And never in a million years would I change a single thing about it all. I don't have a single regret, because all of it, every last part, has lead me to where I am now, and I know it all happened for one reason or another. And when I bore my future children and grandchildren to death with these fondly recalled teenage tales, I will do so with the biggest smile in my face and warmness in my heart. In this collective of memories, I have stored many a lesson, many a mistake, lots of things to make me smile, reminders to be strong, reminders of my potential, advice to pass on, special moments that shine brightly, and the blueprints of who I am now, and why I am the person I am today. And to me that's rather amazing. These last six years of my life have been a true joy, and the best journey I ever could have been on. My teenage years have not disappointed.

But naturally life moves on, I've moved on, and as I previously said, I think the time has finally come to let it go. I don't think I've ever felt so ready to turn a certain age, as I do right now. Even though I would happily be a teenager forever, when I look at the young people just entering their teens now, I realise that there's such a difference between us. They suit the definition and criteria of teenager, just like I once used to. But I don't think I do any more. Your teenage years are like an insurance policy, in that you're allowed to make mistakes, venture down different roads, try out new things, push boundaries, and it's all okay. It's accepted. Even though you feel like an adult, as soon as your age gets a 'teen' on the end, and you try and pledge your case to anyone who will listen, everyone knows that really you're only still a child, and that's okay, because it means that they understand what it's like for you. They know you'll make all those mistakes. They know you're still finding your way. They know that you still need love and support and guidance, even when you insist you don't. And in my case, it will take till the cusp of your 20th birthday for your Mum to finally accept that actually, you really are an adult now.

In many ways, I wish I could stay in this nice little teenage bubble forever. It's a nice, secure, safe, happy, relatively stress free place to be. And my twenties seem so uncertain and grown up in comparison. The thought that I could be married and have a child within the next ten years makes me feel sick with nerves. I don't think I'll ever feel old enough for that. But in the school of life, this is my next stage, my next learning curve, just as many have experienced before me. And so I guess come by birthday, it'll be with a poignant reluctance that I let go of my teenage status, but with a happy, excited, hopeful heart that I embrace this next period of my life, and all the adventures, possibility and wonder just waiting to be found. And with that, whilst I get on with enjoying my last few days of being a mardy, spotty, argumentative teenager, I'll leave you with this lovely little quote by Kyoko Escamilla, that gives me hope about what is yet to come, and is waiting for me just around the corner.

"Your twenties are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."

Amen to that.