Never Felt More Alive

NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE

Something really surreal happened to me last night. Even now, I don't really feel like it happened. The only evidence is an empty mug, a couple of entries in my call log, the indents in the sofa, the tiredness I feel from too little sleep, the conversation my friend and I had this morning, and those peculiar memories that were created in a rapid emotional blur. Part of me doesn't really want to dwell on what happened, nor do I want to over share. But I've never been in a situation like the one my friend and I found ourselves in last night, and I don't really know what's the done thing. However I feel this pressing need to address it in some kind of way, because ultimately, there's some important positive messages to come out of it.

Last night, I was sitting in my bed, writing a different blog post. The lamp light was on, my room was all cosy, and I was nice and snug in my thick blue jumper. I was settling down for the evening. There was no need for concern. Everything was hunky dory. Suddenly, my friend calls my name in a panic and comes into my room. She describes what she's just seen in an emotional rush. Someone is trying to break into the house next door, right now. She's just seen the person with her own two eyes, and they have seen her. She's afraid, I'm afraid. We don't know what to do. In that moment, life feels like a dream that isn't happening. We reach out to somebody, we have to tell somebody, somebody who can help us, who can do something about it. All our emotions and senses are heightened to an extent I've never known before. In that moment, it feels like everything you do next, every action, every word, every decision, is done with your life in mind. Nothing else matters. The horrible uncertainty fuels like nothing else, and the only thing on your mind is literally survival. It's that basic, premeditated instinct that roars like a lion when your safety and well-being is suddenly put at stake. It's an amazing, terrifying, electrifying feeling.

You're trying to keep calm, rationale, in control, even though your voice is shaking and you're shivering all over, even though you're not cold. You don't know what to do, your friend doesn't know what to do. You both stand paralysed in one spot, a place where time and daily life seems to cease to exist, and you're too afraid to move in either direction because you don't know what lies beyond, and you'll be damned if you're going to find out. Time disappears, every minute suddenly seems to count, and you cling to your phone like it's a lifeline. It feels like running a race against a mysterious, unknown competitor that you can't see, and you don't know if or when your paths are going to collide, and you're hoping with every ounce of your being that someone comes to your rescue before you have to find out. There's that urgency, desperation, shock. Your body becomes hypersensitive to every sound, every movement, every face, and it's impossible to relax. Even when the police come, and the nice policeman talks to you and tells you the danger has passed, and everything is going to be okay, and he tries his best to reassure you and make you feel better, even though you've screamed at him every time he's knocked on the door, you still can't quite turn that hypersensitivity and fear off. It's the uncertainty. It's still too strong. The shock is too powerful. Even when the logic kicks in, and you realise that you weren't in any immediate danger, life has never seemed so precious than when it's suddenly flashing and blinking right before your very eyes.

I think the most surreal part of the night though, was when I finally decided to go to sleep, and I thought back to earlier in the day, and what I'd done, completely oblivious to what would happen later on. I had been walking into town, and I happened to be thinking about a programme I'd seen earlier that week, which was all about people who had survived cancer. They were talking about how it was in that period of time, when life suddenly seemed so uncertain and death so imminent, that they suddenly felt this urge to do all the things they'd spoken about doing, but had been putting off till some vague point in future. I guess to put it simply, they suddenly experienced that fierce, powerful, overwhelming desire to live. They'd never felt more alive. And as I was walking, I was thinking about how it's so strange that it takes moments when a question mark suddenly hangs over your life, and you realise that life isn't permanent, that we aren't here for that long, and you never know when it could all be over.... It's moments like that which make us truly appreciate the value of our lives, and put everything into perspective. What matters and what doesn't. It fills us with this burning desire to live, not just exist. It's a powerful motivator to stop putting things off, stop living in fear, stop putting your head in the sand, stop talking in the language of possibility and instead talk and plan with the utmost certainty. 

With all these thoughts in mind, I couldn't help but wonder if one of those life illuminating moments would ever come my way. Would I ever experience anything that made me feel that way? Would I ever feel that electrifying, pulsating feeling in my veins? In many ways, I sincerely hoped not. As a healthy, young, happy, able young woman, in theory I should be seizing my life enthusiastically and appreciatively already, and in many respects, I am, and I'm very proud of how my attitudes and actions have changed for the better. But what I definitely shouldn't be doing, is anticipating and waiting on something bad to happen, in order to make me really sit up and start living with that powerful urgency, passion and fearlessness. Yet I do so anyway. I'm someone who draws heavily on real life experiences to help me become a better person. I need things to happen to me, both good and bad, because that's what makes me really sit up and listen and take notice. So awful as it sounds, part of me felt that an experience that makes you truly appreciate your life, might actually be good for me. But like I said, it was just a thought. And soon I was thinking about something entirely different. And I had no idea that a few hours down the line, I would have that very experience that only hours early had been merely a thought. Sometimes life literally blows my mind with its sheer perplexity and peculiarity. 

In the early hours of this morning, after the whole thing was over, and I was lying in my bed, mulling things over, I'll admit that part of me felt that strong urge to give into fear. Live in fear. Worry. Uncertainty. Let the bad guys win. Let them make me feel like this house is no longer a home, let this neighbourhood, my home, my little part of this big city become the place I fear most of all. Go to bed every night afraid of every sound, every movement. Be afraid of the night and lurks within it. When you're confronted with some of the negativity that this world breeds, and forced to admit that the danger really does exist, it's so ridiculously easy to let that negativity win. But the thing is, why should you? Why should you have to live your life in fear? Why should you have to walk with fear in every step you take? Why should you always feel fearful about what lies around every corner? Why should you have to life half a life, or even worse, merely an existence, instead of living your life to the full? We all have a right to live our lives exactly how we want to, and we have the right to feel free, safe, happy, fearless, content. To try and take that right away from someone else, is something that I find so sad. I personally believe the Nelson Mandela quote that nobody is born with hatred. It's something that's bred into people. That want to hurt, scare, be cruel, instil fear, is like a plague, a virus, that contaminates an individual right through to the very core. And the most frustrating thing, is that it doesn't need to be that way. Life is full of choices. Irrespective of your past, today is always a new day, and you always have the choice to start over, be a better person, do the right thing. It's never too late.

It's weird, because when the policeman was explaining to us the difference between robbers and burglars, and talking about all these people who make bad choices, even though I'd just been scared to an extent I've never known before, by one of these very people, I didn't feel hatred. I didn't agree with the negative terminology the policeman was using. I couldn't see things the way he did. All I kept thinking, was that this person was just that, a person. They were once a child, full of goodness and hope and innocence. They have a beating heart. A mouth with which to speak. The need to eat, drink, breathe. They have interests, talents, skills. They have potential, just like you or I. And even though they've made and are making bad choices, and they've got lost on a downward spiral somewhere along the way, they're still a person. They aren't a label. They aren't less of a person. They aren't a thing to fear, detest, scorn. We're both humans. They might have done the wrong thing, but that doesn't make me better than them, or them worse than me. Nobody is perfect. Often the people who make the worst choices are those who have been dealt the worst hand in life, and you just cannot judge the person you encounter today, without taking into account the past events that have gone onto shape this person, and made them who they are. For all I know, the person from last night may have lived a life full of difficulty and hardship and misfortune that I am lucky enough to never have known, as of yet. Although I don't agree with what they did, I understand why they might have done it, and more than anything, I wish I could just sit with that person and hear their story, and help them to realise that there's always another way. Help them back onto the right path. How will things ever change, if no-one gives these people a helping hand, a voice, a chance?

So I don't know. Maybe one day I will be in a position to do that. Maybe the course of my life will lead me to that point, and maybe one day I can make some kind of positive difference. Who knows. But for now, I'm choosing to look on the positive side. I'm choosing to use this experience in a positive way. I'm trying to learn what I can. I'm not going to fall into that trap. This experience, although bloody terrifying and not very pleasant all, has actually taught me a lot of important things. I've realised how precious and valuable life is. I've realised there's no point leaving things for another day, when you could do them now. There's no time like the present. I've realised how healing and gorgeous the simple act of laughter is. I've realised how there are some really amazing people out there in the world, some of which I'm so lucky to have close to me. I've realised how important it is not to judge people. I've realised how important it is not to live your life in fear, and if bad things do happen, you're strong enough to cope and get through them. I've realised what really matters in life, and I've gained a valuable insight and perspective that I hope I never forget. And the best thing of all, is I have been reminded of how much I love life, and how much I want to be here right now, doing my thing, making a difference, enjoying this world and all that's good about it. I've never felt more electrified with purpose and intent and understanding. I've never felt more thankful for my life. I've never felt more in awe of my body, and the amazing things it does to keep me alive. I've never felt more alive than I do right now. And I guess what I want most of all, is if you've been reading this, and you can relate to that feeling of waiting for that magic moment to come, when you really start living: stop. It isn't worth it. You're alive right now, this life is yours, the world is at your feet, your heart is beating, your mind is sparkling with energy and ideas. So don't wait for tomorrow to do everything you've ever dreamed of. Do it now. Start living now.