These Times They Are A-Changin'

THESE TIMES THEY ARE A-CHANGIN'

Where do I even begin? This week has really been quite something. A rollercoaster bursting to the brim with ups and downs and highs and lows. As you may or may not know, I'm still on placement for my course, and this week I've been finding the whole experience somewhat challenging. Some aspects of my week have been great, really great, so much so that in that very moment in time I feel I could quite literally burst with happiness. Other aspects, however, have been rather difficult to say the least, and I guess you could conclude by saying that overall, I've had a pretty tough week. It's just one of those weeks that as much as you hate to say it, you can't wait for it to be over. Although like I said, many good things have happened, beautiful little moments in life which I won't forget, I know that when I look back on this week in a few months time, a year from now, some point in the distant future, I'll remember it because it was a week that ultimately broke me right down. Knocked the building blocks of who I am to the floor. In this week alone I must've learnt at least thirty + different things that I need to change about myself, plus a couple of hard hitting home truths too. Earlier on I couldn't understand quite why I was finding everything so mentally exhausting, but then I realised that the nature of this whole thing is to hold a mirror to your face, whether you like it or not, and show you the truth. It's one huge learning experience. And I guess you aren't doing any learning if you're not making the mistakes to learn from in the first place, and you're not being told where you're going wrong and how to make it right. 

The way I felt when I began this week, and the way I felt when I ended this week are two entirely different things. When I started this week, I thought that I was doing okay. I was happily going along in the same way I always have, just getting by, reacting how I always would, trying to figure things out the best I could, thinking I was doing fine, just fine. Then I happened to stumble across that nice little zone called total meltdown, completely out the blue, and in order to find my way out of it again, I had to position myself in the firing line and await a few home truths to be thrown my way. At the end of the day, I'm doing this course in order to become this one very specific thing. A speech and language therapist. And it's a job that requires a surprisingly large array of skills, experience, knowledge. Although there's room for manoeuvring, it's a job that ultimately comes with a set criteria and if you want to do this job, by the time you graduate you need to be ticking all those things. The whole course prior to that, is of course designed to help you become that person, to fit that bill, to build you up, tweak parts about you, change things about you, so that irrespective of who you are, where you came from, what you knew before hand, you're the kind of person who can do that job. And I think that that's something I never fully appreciated until now. When they said that this course would be challenging, I thought it would be because the content and theory was hard to learn and understand, however if anything, learning those things so far has overall been an enjoyable and somewhat easy experience so far. I just didn't understand what the fuss was about. And then I began placement, and that, I suspect has been where the real learning began. Where the hardest part starts, where the terms 'challenging' and 'tough' become the most prominent words in your daily vocabulary. Starting my placement, I was naive enough to believe that it would just consist of watching the speech therapists, observing what they do, having a go myself, doing a bit of reflection, basically learning the ropes of the job. I thought that that would be the only learning I'd do. I was wrong.

Although you do placement to learn how to physically perform a certain job correctly, that's not all there is to it. A lot of jobs require you to be a certain kind of person, or have a certain level of skills, experience and knowledge. And seeing as no-one comes out a perfectly formed professional, the only option is to somehow get from A to B. I suspect that until very recently, I have been fooling myself that I would quite literally leap frog over from A to B. You need to be a certain kind of person with certain experiences and abilities to even get on to this course in the first place, which I think lulls you into a false sense of security. You think that you're basically already there before you even begin. But the harsh truth is that you really, really aren't. In fact, you're nowhere near, and that transition from A to B is a long and winding road filled with many ups and downs. It sure as heck isn't an easy ride. It's an incredibly tough ride, because in order to become the person you need to be, bit by bit you have to break down and rebuild who you already are. Slowly but surely you become the person you need to be, but some things are a lot, lot harder to change than others. Likewise coming to the realisation that things actually need to change, and finally opening your eyes to truly see the road you have ahead of you, as well as facing the harsh truths of the job and the journey to get there, is also pretty tough to take too. I don't think I fully understood the lengths I need to go to for this course, this profession, so I wasn't prepared at all for the icy cold splash of realisation when it came and hit me in the face earlier this week.

As I mentioned previously, this week I have basically been given an intensive tour of who I really am, and consequently been awarded a list of all my positives and shortcomings. These people who have only met me very recently, have somehow managed to extract a perfect representation of who I am as a person. They have figured me out perfectly, something which is very unnerving when you're a person who prides herself on thinking she has a few secrets kept securely behind closed doors. Am I really that transparent? In particular they've hit on a few nerves as well, as well as a few of my long time insecurities and flaws that I have always struggled with. And though I am trying my best right now, and I know that they are aware of that too, it obviously isn't enough. They've figured me out, cross analysed me, they seem to know everything. As do they see where I am right now in my progression, and of course they know where I need to be in a few weeks time, and where I need to be in a few years time too. I naturally don't. Which is why I'm here in the first place, because what I keep forgetting is that the whole reason I'm even here is because I decided that I wanted to do this job and I wanted to learn how to do it. These people at uni and on placement are consequently here to help me do that, help me become exactly the kind of person I need to be. So of course they have to figure out who I am right now, in order to best advise and guide me on how I can become the person that I need to be. If I was perfect already, I wouldn't even need to be on this course to begin with. And because I'm not perfect, I need to learn, things need to change. And in order to change, I need to know where I'm falling short, where I'm going wrong, what needs to be improve, even if it does mean hitting a few home truths and triggering a bit of an emotional meltdown too.

Yesterday afternoon when I was told everything that I need to work on, one consecutive thing after another, I changed instantly before my mentor's eyes. I was so overwhelmed, so afraid, so at a loss. My confidence was shot to pieces, my mind was going into overdrive, the much needed voice of reason took the slow train round and didn't arrive till much later. It felt like everyone wanted me to fail. Everyone was trying to break me down. Pointing out everything that's wrong with me. No-one was understanding how far they'd pushed me already, how much they were asking of me, how hard I'd been trying already, and it felt like it could never be enough. A hopeless swimmer being continually pushed back by the beating tide, no mater how hard she tries. I felt like saying 'for Pete's sake, if I'm not good enough to do this job, just tell me already!'. And honestly, they did almost break me. They very almost convinced that dramatic, hopeless, negative part of my mind that this was it. Game over. Almost. But not quite. Because when given the time to process and reflect, and being forced to swallow the overwhelming ball of emotion instead of letting it come flooding out, I was forced to reconsider a few things, which is when everything suddenly started to make sense. I understood why everything has been so hard, so draining, so tough. I understood what my mentor's were and are actually doing. They're there to help me, and this is the only way they can do that. I understood the whole point of this course. I understood finally what's expected of me, what my part to play in this whole game is, and at this particular point in my life, I feel like I'm at a crossroads. I have been awarded a poignant, important choice. On the one hand, I can admit defeat, take the easy road out and decide I'm not willing to make the changes, sacrificing who I am now for who I could be. I'm not going to take on the challenge and put myself through it. After all, no-one is forcing me to do this.

However on the other hand, I can see the road ahead of me. It's tough, it's long, it's an uphill climb and I'm only just beginning my ascent now. If I choose that road, things will have to change starting from now. It's going to get harder, a lot harder. But at the same time, the reward is so sweet. The view at the top so magnificent. And when I make it to the top, I will know how hard I worked and that I deserved the victory so fully and wholeheartedly. Even getting to this point of this whole journey has been difficult. It has never been easy for me. In choosing to be a speech and language therapist, I quite literally went against the grain, did a big old U-turn and headed off in another direction. I went where my skill set was weaker, not where it was strongest, because I wanted the challenge, I wanted to learn, I wanted to see what else I was capable of. In theory, I should be somewhere completely different in life right now, had things gone the way I and everyone else initially expected them to. Life had other plans for me, but I had plans for myself, and so I chose to upset the balance and pick the road less travelled by. And now, a few years down the line, I'm finally truly feeling the consequences of that decision. This is where the going really does get tough. But over the last couple of years I've been changing a hell of a lot. I've been working on things, I've been discovering a lot about who I am, I've made a lot of positive changes. And I'm no longer someone who admits defeat and accepts that that's just the way things are. I'm a fighter, I rise to the challenge, I'm braver, I believe in myself so wholeheartedly now, and so I decided just this morning in fact, that I'm not going to give up now. This is something I know I'm meant to be doing. I need to be here. I want to become the person I need to be, but likewise I want to hold onto what makes me unique and put my own spin on things when the time is right. There's things I want to do, changes I want to make, and if I need to become a certain person to do that, then so be it. 

As Bob Dylan once said, these times they are a-changin'. From here on out things will be different, and I'm ready to embrace and make those changes, work hard, keep fighting. At this turning point in my life, aside from writing out long, rambling, heartfelt posts like this, I'm choosing the long road, the uphill climb, in order to discover just what I'm capable of and ultimately, what I could become. Life, I'm finally ready for you. Please do come at me.