It's All About Perspective

IT'S ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE

Last night, something rather nice happened. It was gone half ten. My friend and I were watching Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. The plates scattered in crumbs from the nutella brownies we made earlier, were piled up on coffee table. The blind were drawn. It was quiet, peaceful, nice. Perhaps not your typical Saturday night, but still enjoyable just the same. Nick and Norah had found Caroline and were on their way to find Fluffy. It was great, especially because I adore that film. And then out of the blue, my friend just started talking to me about something that was bothering her, playing on her mind. So my attention was drawn away from the film and focused towards my friend instead, and somehow, from that point onwards, the film and everything else in our lives was cast away to one side, and for the next hour and a half or so, until the early morning, we ended up having this massive, deep, sometimes emotional, wonderful conversation that seemed to sprout from nowhere and nothing, to instead become something rather special. By the end of it, when we were both curled up on our chairs, stifling yawns, and we were reflecting on the mammoth conversation that had unintentionally come about, we realised that there was only one way to perfectly summarise just what that conversation had unexpectedly been to us, and that one thing was this: fulfilling. 

You're probably sat there reading this, thinking well what on earth could they have been on about then, and to answer your question, we spoke about a lot of things. We talked about friendship, getting to know people, different people and their varying personalities, the ball ache that is growing up, how we've changed as people, relationships and all the different kinds there are, the different kinds of love you can find, as well as finding the most special love of all. Realising what you want in life, being a good person, what makes us happy and how to be happy, overcoming the tougher times in life, qualities we admire in each other, politics, war, photography, next week's food shop, the pain in the arse that is social media. We talked about this whole host of things, with one topic somehow transitioning so perfectly and effortlessly into the other. It felt similar to those late night/ early morning conversations you have at sleepovers, where you don't know if it was those sweet treats you had, drinks you drunk, the fact you're actually rather tired, the magic of the film you're watching, the comfy chair or bed your lying on, the beautiful mystery and honesty that comes with the night, the people you're with, but whatever the reason may be, you just find yourself opening up and being so honest, so real, so true. You talk about anything and everything, and you lose any of that self consciousness or fear that normally might hold you back and stop you truly speaking your mind. Last night felt a bit like that. Where one person just starts talking, then the other starts, and like a ping pong ball going back and forth, the conversation continues without any sense of stopping, until some considerable time later you realise you've been talking for hours without even realising. 

The conversation we had wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but it felt special because we were sat there talking about real things. Things that matter to us. We were talking about what we were thinking, what was on our minds, giving each other advice, sharing our opinions, being really honest, insightful, thoughtful. The conversation felt important somehow, and I guess that's because we were each taking so much from it whether we realised it or not. For example I realised that I actual seem to have some pretty decent opinions and views about politics, and that it matters more to me than I had previously thought. I realised how much I've changed for the better the last year or so, and how much I've changed since my early teenage years. I realised that even though I sometimes think otherwise, I am actually very, very happy right now, just as I was last year but for some slightly different reasons no. And I realised again that I have once again achieved all this happiness, and become this person I really like and am so proud of, without having any of that romantic love in my life. I used to think that finding that special someone would be the key to happiness, the solution to all my problems, but the irony is that the happiest I've ever been is when I've had none of that romantic input in my life at all. I don't feel like I'm missing anything right now. I feel very complete and whole, and it's wonderful. As did last night make me realise again how strong and wise I am now, which was quite a nice way to feel. 

And it's weird because last night, I could've spent my evening in a manner of different ways. Manchester is as big, vibrant, buzzing city with a million and one things to do after all. As am I student, supposedly living out my best years right now at this moment in time. So yes, originally, I did have this overwhelming desire to do something, anything. Just get out there and live. Do things. Enjoy being young and free and independent. Make memories. Have fun. And don't get me wrong, I love doing all those things, really, I do. But last night, it just didn't happen. My friends and I stayed in, watched a film, made brownies, chatted instead, and for a while I was distinctly aware of what everyone else must be out there doing whilst I was sat there not doing those things. Whilst I was sat there spending my night doing something different to that. I thought I needed to be out there doing what everyone else was doing, because somehow in my head, if I was doing those things too, living my life that way, subscribing to that ideal that I often feel is constantly expected of me, then that would equate to me being happy. It would equate to me living a good, fulfilling, happy, carefree, ideal kind of life, which I could then share with everyone else so that they would know I was living that kind of wonderful life too. But instead, I had a different kind of evening, and actually, as I was sat there gone past midnight, still talking to my friend, I was glad that things had turned out a little differently to how I'd hoped they would.

I was so glad that I'd watched that film, made those brownies, spent time with my friends, had a laugh. I was even more happier that I'd had that conversation, and spent my night having one of those amazing, deep, meaningful, unforgettable conversations about anything and everything for a good few hours. It was time well spent, in my opinion. And though I thought I needed to be out there living life to the max, I realised that actually, what I needed most of all was that conversation. As did my friend really need it too. It felt like it changed everything. Lately I've been getting too caught up in social media, too caught up in that hopeless, destructive, cruel psychological cycle of expecatiations versus reality. I've been getting stuck in that web, falling so effortlessly into that trap, feeding the monster that bites exactly what it needs to hurt me, bring me down. I love social media, but that constant need to prove yourself, showcase that amazing, ever happy life of yours that doesn't actually exist, let people know of all the wonderful things you're doing, how great you look these days, how super duper darn wonderful you are right now, is sooooooooo destructive. It's so unhealthy. This constant comparison, constant striving for a perfect ideal that doesn't actually exist, constant need to one up everyone else, have the best life, body, friends, likes, hobbies, family... I like to think I'm someone who's better than all that, who doesn't fall into that trap, but it still gets me just the same as it gets everybody else. Even though I'm actually very content, happy, confident, at peace, eternally grateful right now, and I wouldn't change a thing, although there are some positive tweaks I'd like to make here and there, I still find myself obsessively looking at social media. I still unconsciously compare my everything to that of others and manage to end up falling flat on my face, convinced I'm doing everything all wrong, that I'm not actually happy, that my life is awful, that everything is awful, all going to pot even when I don't actually believe that drivel in the slightest.

I don't understand why it happens, or where these feelings come from, or how they seem to arise so effortlessly, especially because they couldn't be further from the truth, but it drives me crazy because I find myself sat on my bed, spending all my time worrying about things I don't need to worry about, wondering about how I can attain and achieve the unattainable, feeling so ridiculously sorry for myself. Feeling a dissatisfaction that doesn't actually exist. And it stops me from actually appreciating and being grateful for everything that I am lucky to have in my life. It stops me from feeling that happiness that I know is there within me. It stops me realising how amazing my life actually is, how much I actually love my life, irrespective of what anyone else may think. It stops me from feeling everything that I want to feel, it can stop me from enjoying those wonderful moments of life, whatever they may be, it makes me and my life into someone and something that I don't know. A falsification of myself. I forget who I am and what matters to me most of all. And that's not okay. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of letting these menial things hold such significance, power, influence over my life. And last night was so wonderful because it reminded me of all these things. It made me see sense. It made me realise what actually matters and should count. It was like a splash of ice cold water being thrown in the face to awake you from a trance you've somehow find yourself drawn into. The simple act of just talking to somebody else. Discussing things that matter. Speaking the truth. Speaking your mind. Feeling the words come out your mouth, the emotions swirling within you, saying the thoughts in real time, interacting with another person and enjoying the simplicity of the moment. Expressing yourself in the right here, right now, without the permanency, the thinking everything over first, the pondering over what reaction you might receive. Being you, and having that be enough.

I realise that all of this sounds so cheesy, so deep, so whatever, but I had to share all these thoughts with you because I know that most of this generation has felt somewhat similar at some point or other. And I want you to know that you aren't alone in feeling that way, we all feel it too, even if we don't want to.We just don't want to share it or admit that it's not alright sometimes. That we worry about meeting an ideal that doesn't actually exist anywhere in this world except in the depths of our imagination. And I want you to know that those feelings you feel aren't permanent, they aren't a true representation of your life or you as a person. If you strip them away and take a peek underneath, you'll realise that the true story is often a lot different. As I realised last night, it's good to take a step back from social media, from everyone else and their lives, what's going on in the world, and instead focus on you, your life, the world around you. It's good to just sit down and talk to somebody. It's good to do those things that you like to do, that make you happy, even if it doesn't fit in with everyone else's. It's good to take a moment to think things over, regain clarity, remember what should matter most of all. Likewise it's good to throw your hands up when something goes wrong and say, yes this has all gone tits up and it isn't right, so please can I talk to you about it, please can you help me. Because after all, it's all about perspective at the end of the day, and it's easy for yours to become clouded by other things, other people's opinions, judgements, pressures. It's easy to lose sight of things. But remember that ultimately, you're in charge of the way you see the world, the way you perceive things. You don't need to let it rain when you can so easily fill your world with sunshine. You don't need to sit alone in the darkness when all you need to do to make it better, is simply turn on the light instead.