How To Survive Moving Away From Home A Second Time

HOW TO SURVIVE MOVING AWAY FROM HOME A SECOND TIME

A month ago, I moved away from home for the second time.

The first time was for university. I moved to a big, brand new city with lots of other people my own age, all seeking something new, exciting and different to our mundane lives back home. That classic rite of passage. 

The first time I moved away from home was a shock to the system, and the first couple of weeks I got homesick once or twice. But from day one I was mixing with more people than I'd done in quite possibly the five years of my life before that. I must've met at least 30, 40 people on my first night alone, and I kept meeting new people for a long time after that too. 

I was always surrounded by people. I lived with eight people, eight!! There was so much to do, so much to explore, so many people to talk to, so many opportunities. The change was big, but it was just enough change, and I was supported from every possible angle to make that change not only possible and smooth and easy, but also enjoyable. There was so much positivity around me. Yes, it was a new start, a lot of newness, but everything and everyone was telling me this was the right thing to do. This was living the dream.

But perhaps more than that, I was so hungry to move away from home and try something new. I had been waiting for it my whole life. And I had had chosen where I would study, what I would study, where I would live. I had it all sussed out. It was all my doing. I was so ready to start a new life, a new adventure, and gain my independence.

Moving away the first time was one of the best things I ever did. 

But moving away a second time has been quite a different experience.

---

The second time I moved away was as a graduate, and it was for a job.

I had settled back at home and had unknowingly started re-building a new life for myself there. I was starting to get comfortable. Life was so lush, something hindsight has really helped me see. I had all the time in the world. A little job to earn some money and give me a routine. Family and friends a stone's throw away. I travelled back up to my uni city every couple of weeks to see friends, loved ones and have fun. I was quite contented, and even though I moaned sometimes and worried about my next steps, it was enough. 

Moving away a second time was different, because all these reasons meant I wasn't hungry for it this time. Ready for a change, yes. Ready for a new something to focus on, yes. But the amount of change I was willing to endure was not as large as it had been four years ago. I was happy at home, happy with my life. Technically speaking, nothing really needed to change, which of course made moving away a lot harder than it was the first time. So instead of being this overwhelmingly positive, necessary, must-do experience,  I saw moving away as something of a chore. Something I just had to do. It was expected of me. The done thing. That's what happens when you grow up and become an adult.

This time, I wasn't moving because I wanted to. It was because I had a job, a foot in the door, and everyone said I should take it, so I did. This time, I wasn't moving somewhere I really wanted to move to. It was because that's where the job was, and so I had to follow it. This time, I wasn't moving along with lots of other people from all over the country. I was moving on my own, into a house with new people of all ages, all local. This time, I didn't have that same support system in place, because I was an adult now, not a student, and everyone, myself included, assumes you'll be fine coping with all the change.

---

Moving away the second time was so much harder than moving away the first time.

My first weekend in my new home was one of the toughest things I've experienced in quite a long time, to the extent I couldn't even remember the last time I ever felt that lonely or upset. I suppose somewhat naively, I thought moving away a second time would be so much easier because I had done it all before, and knew that it was possible. I knew that I could do it.

What I didn't expect, was for the experience to challenge me as much as it did.

I didn't realise that actually, even though yes, I had moved to a new city and had done it all before, that was over four years ago, and in the last three years of university I had grown roots and built myself a new home. So in theory, I hadn't gone through all that upheaval in quite a long time, something I didn't even think to give myself credit for. I didn't realise that this time I was leaving not only one home, but two homes, two places I felt so settled and comfortable in. Exchanging them for one I had hardly any connection too, hardly knew anybody, over two hours from home.

I had forgotten how it felt to know nobody. Forgotten how it felt to be lonely. Forgotten how it felt to miss your loved ones so badly it physically hurt. Forgotten how to look after myself. Forgotten why I had even made this crazy, spontaneous decision in the first place. What on earth was I thinking? So many times I shook my head in frustration and confusion as to why I had ever decided to move. Accept the job. Completely turn my life on its head. And I was so distraught, so unhappy, that for a while nobody could even give me an answer to my soul-searching. All they could tell me was to keep my head up and get through it.


---


My university experience had caused me to set my expectations for adult life way too high.

In reality, adult life is not as fabulous, filled or fun as you might expect it to be. And starting again is even harder, because it might not always turn out how you want it to. I'm really not lying when I say how challenging this new chapter has been.

BUT... it's getting better.

Little by little, things are looking up.

I've started to settle into my new home and new job. I'm adapting to my new circumstances, and being on my own a lot more than I'd like, and hey, isn't it funny how we do that? How somehow, even the toughest situation starts to get a little easier, a little better, a little more bearable? That survival instinct kicks in and the love and self-care click into action. I've met some absolutely wonderful, genuinely amazing people who have welcomed me with open arms and given me numerous olive branches whenever I've needed one. People who I feel like I've known forever, and who I get the feeling I somehow needed to meet, yet wouldn't have done if I hadn't had the guts to get up one day and change my life.

A new home, a new town, a new everything, has given me the time, space and distance to start figuring out who I am now, who this new adult Tasha is, and reconnect with myself all over again. Heck, I didn't even realise I'd changed so much in the last six months. And work. Work is challenging at times, and on numerous occasions I've sworn my head is going to explode, but every day I wake up with a purpose, make a difference in some kind of way, talk to some fabulous, generous people and make enough money to buy nice orange juice and cute animal mugs from the supermarket.

 Radio and TV, but especially radio, help fill the silences and keep the loneliness at bay. Seeing loved ones is a precious and much appreciated, anticipated and adored treat. Exercise has become the perfect stress buster. Weekends are for living my best life. I can buy nice presents for Christmas (finally). I can go on adventures and explore new parts of the country that I never even knew existed. The tough times were actually something of a blessing in disguise, because they reminded me how important it is to reach out and be honest, and how gloriously lucky I am to have such caring, kind people in my life. And above all that, I am so proud of myself for not only pushing myself out my comfort zone, but for persevering through the difficult times. Those times when I just really really wanted to quit and make a run for it. I've surprised myself with how strong I actually am.


---

Moving away is never easy. But if you can hold on through the tough times, accept it will be a bit shit every now and then, find all those little positives and hold onto them as tightly as you can, be nice to yourself, try to be open minded, see it as a new chapter in your life (another stop on the road map of life, if you will) and enjoy the damn ride... well, it might just be that much better than you expected. And hey, you might even realise it's one of the better decisions you've made in life. 

But if not, well that's ok, because that's life. That's adulthood. We're all just trying to figure out where we belong in this big old batty universe. How will we ever become who we're meant to be, if we always stay the same? And as F Scott Fitzgerald once wisely said,

'For what it's worth, it's never too late or too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit. Stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you've never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. And if not? I hope you have the strength, to start all over again'.

Long Distance Relationships

LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS

What do you think of, when you hear the words 'long distance relationship'?

Some people think of them in quite a romantic, nostalgic, dreamy way, and I suppose truth be told, there is something quite endearing about two people separated by space and time, but still bound together by the love they have for one another. A love so strong that it defies all those boundaries. It's a reassuring notion in this day and age, that love can still be that fearless and bold and enduring.

And then you get some people who view long distance relationships as something that just happens. A practicality, a necessity, a something you just have to get on with and endure. There's no rose-tinted glasses around here. Only a good old fashioned suck it up and carry on mentality.

And then... you get some who think long distance relationships are awful. The worst thing in the world. What could be worse than being away from the one you love for days, weeks, months at a time? What's the point in being in a relationship if you hardly see each other? How do you put up with it when you don't know if it's ever going to end? Why would you put yourself through it? How are you meant to have any kind of meaningful relationship when your lives are so different and separate, and you miss out on all the little things that happen? How do you keep the spark alive whilst also embracing your independence too?

---

I didn't really have much of an opinion of long distance relationships  until recently, when I suddenly found myself in one. 

I discovered that actually, I'm a mixture of all three of these things. I think long distance relationships are great, I think they're just something to get on with, should you find yourself in one, and I also happen to think they're just really really shit.

I never appreciated what long distance relationships are actually like until I experienced it myself, and I suppose that's true for a lot of things, isn't it? You just can't know for sure, or fully empathise, until it happens to you. 

Over the last four years, I've had to live away from a lot of the people I love. A good chunk of my important relationships have been long distance, and I found that surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. If anything, it was pretty nice, because every visit felt that much more special. And with endless minutes, Skype, Facetime, social media, you never have to feel that far away from someone you love. You can still connect and share in each other's lives, and when you do meet up, it feels as if you've never been apart. Time away can be amazing, because it teaches you how to nurture your relationships, and shows you just how strong they really are, which in itself is quite a heartwarming feeling.

But long distance romantic relationships... for me, that's been a complete other ball game entirely. Nothing could have prepared me for it. 

---

Even though I'd never been in a relationship until a year and a half ago, I always kind of knew that I didn't want to be in an long distance relationship. In fact, it didn't even occur to me that I might find myself in one at some point. That it might happen to me. My idea of love and relationships was quite limited, in hindsight. Of all the relationships I'd encountered in my life, hardly any were long distance, and the ones that were, the couples didn't live too far away from one another, so it wasn't so bad. 

For the majority of our relationship, my boyfriend and I saw each other almost every day. We did the same sport together. We shared a friendship group and many of our social activities. We lived a 10 minute walk away from one another. We studied together. We made dinner together. We chatted all the time. We visited each other every couple of weeks in the holidays. The most time we ever spent apart was three weeks over Christmas, and that was tough.  

We were regular fixtures in one another's lives, and more than that, we were building our lives together. We were becoming something. Working towards something. Things were happening. It was exactly how I imagined and hoped being in a relationship would be. Looking back on it now, it may seem a bit intense actually, but the simple truth is we just loved being around one another. We were best friends. We were in love. And it was wonderful.

And then I graduated this summer. 

And I moved back home, two hours away.

And I got a job, and he had another year of uni.

And suddenly, the whole dynamic of our relationship changed.

---

I think one of the things I struggled with most, was that after a year and a bit of our relationship moving forwards and growing into something so beautiful and amazing, it suddenly felt like we'd taken a million steps back. If we had to go long distance at all, I felt like it all should have been the other way round. Long distance than short distance. Not short distance then long distance. Not having a taste of something so wonderful, the exact life you want, and then losing it for the foreseeable future and having to replace it with the second best option. No, no thank you. 

I miss seeing my boyfriend for more than two, three days at a time. I miss seeing his face. I miss his hugs. Laughing with him. Holding his hand. I miss sharing our lives together. I miss cooking dinner with him. Watching films together. Having someone lying next to me in bed. Being able to pop over to his house whenever I want or need to. I even miss just sitting next to him, and being near him. All those little insignificant things you take for granted so easily. 

Long distance relationships are hard. Even now, almost five months in, I still have moments where I miss him so badly it physically hurts, or I end up crying out of loneliness, frustration, sadness. I'll get myself in right old funk of self-pity and self-doubt, moaning like there's no tomorrow, and nothing anyone says can make me feel better, because sometimes I don't want to feel better. I want to mope around and feel sorry for myself and my situation.

Many times I've found myself wondering how our relationship can work and keep going when it's up against all these obstacles, all this distance, all this change. I wonder if I myself can get through the challenges it presents us. I wonder when it will all end, because right now we just don't know. And I worry, god I worry, like there's no tomorrow. Endless unhelpful thoughts and fears trickling through my mind like an annoying tap you can never quite switch off. 

Then there's other times, when I get so used to being independent and on my own 90% of the time, and I get so comfortable with it, that I worry I've gone too far in adjusting to being long-distance. I adapt too well, because it's what I have to do to feel alright with everything, to keep myself going, to not miss him too much, and I end up creating an existence where there's not much space for him. And it begs the question, how do I feel ok on my own, and embrace it again, whilst also keeping my relationship alive, and my love, my boyfriend, a central, important, precious part of my life? 

---

I've come to realise that actually, there is no right or wrong way of doing long distance relationships. I've also realised they're not the best thing in the world, but then again, neither are they the worst either. It's the just the way things are sometimes. And at the end of the day, it all comes down to your perspective, how much you love one another and want to be together, and how you're going to shape your relationship to ensure you still feel loved and content in spite of the distance. 

I'm realising that if I want my relationship to carry on, I need to view my situation positively. Remember how much I bloody love my boyfriend and the love we share, and how much he loves me. And that we both need to make the time and effort for one another. Whether it be talking on messenger. A phone call. Arranging our next visit, whenever that will be. There has to be a lot of compromising. A lot of resilience. A lot of positive thinking. A lot of remembering why all the effort and struggle is so worth it. 

Communication is key, and it has to be initiated by both people. Deciding when you'll next see each other makes the wait bearable. Not putting too much pressure on meet ups to be perfect also helps, after all, arguing and winding each other up is completely normal. Treasuring the time you spend together, even if that means lying in bed all day or grabbing something for dinner from Tesco. Thinking about how nice it will be to be together again when the long distance is over. Understanding the needs of your partner and being selfless. Letting one other become your own people and flourish in your respective lives, whilst also making sure to hold on to one another in some kind of way. Recognising and remembering how this experience is making, and will make you and your relationship stronger and better.

In some respects, long distance relationships really are great because they highlight how strong your relationship is, what's important to you, and how much you believe in your relationship and its future. They don't call it a test for no reason I guess. And every month you get through feels like an achievement because you're making it work. You're believing. You're doing what you can, given the circumstances. It also gets easier once you establish a routine, and decide what's important to you. Whether that be phone calls every evening, facetiming at the end of the week, sending letters, meeting up once a week, every other weekend, for a month. 

So much easier.

---

Long distance relationships are tricky, there's no denying that, and some people find that it isn't right for them, and that's ok. You've got to do what works for you. You always, always have the choice. But if you do find yourself in one, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't despair. Give it your best shot. Believe in your love, believe in your strength, believe in your future. See all the positives. Recognise that it will be hard sometimes, but that with some patience, understanding and belief, you'll get through it. And always remember...

if you love and care for someone enough, and they love and care for you too, you'll always find a way to make it work.

Plant & Nature Photography

PLANT & NATURE PHOTOGRAPHY

I've always loved taking photos. And over the last year, I've also developed quite an affection for plants too. Combine them together & what do you get? Someone who gets a real kick out of photographing plants.

Ta-da!

Normally all these said pictures just pile up and accumulate, and never really see the light of day, so I thought that for a change, it'd be nice to share some of my favourite photos with you.

All of these photographs were taken over summer and early autumn, and in a variety of different places including Cambridge University Botanic Garden, Trent Lock Canal and Darley Park in the Midlands, Walpole Park and Greenwich Park in London, Fletcher Moss Gardens in Manchester, Sandown in the Isle of Wight and Planten un Blomen in Hamburg. 

There's just so much beauty to be found wherever you go in the world, whatever the weather, and I love attempting to capture that beauty and do it justice as best as I can. It really gives me such a buzz. And what's more, these days it's so easy to take and edit high quality pictures too. For all my photos below, I used either my iPod touch camera or Samsung phone camera, and touched them up a little on Windows Photo Gallery. Amateur photography at it's finest eh.

Taking photos, especially of nature and plants, is such a worthwhile hobby, because if anything, it really forces you to stop, look and appreciate the world around you, in all its glory. Something I find is so healthy for the mind, heart and soul. If you ever find yourself wondering whether or not to do it, give it a try, find your inner photographers eye, and soon you will be taking so many photos that people are begging you to stop (fact). And that's no bad thing.

So with that, I hope you enjoy my photos, and if you'd like to use one for any purpose, just let me know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

---

---

Life After Uni

LIFE AFTER UNI

Believe it or not, dear readers, this is my third time trying to write this post.

The first time, I was feeling a bit sad. I'd just moved back home, and the stark contrast to the life I had literally just been living in the days, weeks before, had hit me all at once. I remember it was a Friday night that it happened, and I had my first big cry, alone in my room, after going out for dinner with my parents. 

I cried like there was no tomorrow. I was devastated. 

So I decided to write about my feelings, and when I went to write this post, my aim was to write about the reality of life after uni, focusing mostly on the not so good things. The things no-one really warns you about when you sign up to the whole uni experience. 

But you know what, I found I couldn't do it, because half way through writing, I realised life after uni wasn't all that bad. There were good things too.

---

So the second time I tried to write this post, I was feeling really happy. And I wanted to write how actually, life after uni was pretty good, and how that's another thing people don't really tell you when you sign up to the uni experience either. 

It was the middle of summer. I had lots of plans. Lots to do. People to see. Life to live. Every week, and near enough every day, was filled with something. Lots of distractions to keep me busy, and my mind occupied. It was great. Just like any other uni summer. Long and lazy and lovely. Perfect.

I was so buzzed to write about that side of the coin. All the good things. 

But again, when I was writing, I found that I just couldn't finish the post. I didn't fully believe in what I was writing, because I knew from my previous experience that life after uni isn't always happy and positive either. Sometimes, it's pretty shite too.

So I left it for another few weeks, which brings us to now.

And I've finally realised that the post I want to write for you dear readers, not a negative post, nor is it a positive post. No, the post I want to write, is simply an honest post. The kind of post, I now realise, that you can only really write when you've lived a little. Experienced things a bit more. The post you write with the wisdom of knowing both the positives and the negatives of a situation. 

---

Strangely enough, over the last week I've actually been experiencing both those things in parallel. 

My days have been happy, filled, satisfying. No complaints. Yet in the last week, I've cried about my new life three times already, the most recent being this morning. And it's making me realise that this new predicament I've found myself in, is both good and bad. It has its positives, and its negatives. I wouldn't necessarily choose this life for myself, yet at the same time, it's not the worst thing either. It's quite a satisfactory life, but likewise, I know it's not my best life.

Every time I cry, I have to remind myself that it's okay, because effectively I have lost my old life, almost overnight, or at least that's how it feels. And more than that, I've lost a way of life too. At the moment, it's starting to dawn on me that after summer is over, I won't be going back to Manchester again, after four years of that routine. No more studying. No more uni house. No more amazing social life. No more korfball. No more Freshers Week. No more student finance. No more seeing all my friends in one place. No more seeing my boyfriend whenever I want to. And more than that, after 18 years in consecutive education, I won't be starting a new academic year come September. 

This year, there is nothing to distinguish my August and September. There is no-one waiting for me to turn up for class. No more studying or learning or working towards something bigger. I'm all done, and it feels amazing and terrifying at the same time. At the time of writing this post, I don't have anything bigger lined up, and it's strange not knowing what will happen next. Moreover, come September, almost all my friends and loved ones will go back to different places across the country. And this year, I won't be one of them. The solace of at least having my loved ones nearby, or having the time to see me, will go, which is probably the thing I'm struggling with the most right now.

But despite all this, I know in my heart, even in the hardest times, that my new life is still pretty awesome.

I get to see my family a lot more, especially my grandparents, which has been amazing. I have a job, which gives me structure and routine, money (!!!), purpose and where I get to work alongside some really amazing, lovely people. I get to see my friends from home more. I see the countryside and travel to other places a lot more. I have time to chill out and do things I enjoy. I can keep in contact with loved ones by Skype and phone calls, and make trips to go and see them. I feel a lot more relaxed. I have lots of things to look forward to. And of course, I finally get to hold the pen and draw out my life, decide what will happen next, imagine what this next chapter will hold.

---

But perhaps more than that, I move into this next chapter with four incredible, magical, cherished, life-changing years behind me. Four years that no-one and nothing can take away from me. Four years that turned my life into something I never believed or dreamt it could be. And I know that's pretty remarkable. Even though my life right now is quite different to what it used to be, I'm very lucky in that some of the best bits of my old life have carried on through.

My friends. My boyfriend. My degree. My love of Korball and Manchester. The experiences and skills and memories that I've gained, too many to name. And the many ways I've changed fundamentally as a person. The Tasha who's landed back in Derby, is very different to the one who left it four years ago to embark on the biggest adventure of her life, and that actually makes me quite proud to say. I carry this beautiful, gorgeous experience within me, and always will, as it's made me the person I am today. The best version of me.

---

I'd be lying if I said I'd figured out how to live my best life post-uni, and I'd be lying if I said life after uni was better than uni itself, because it's not right now. One day it will be. But if anything, it feels like someone has taken the snow globe of my life and given it a good old shake, and I'm waiting to see how everything falls into place. Trying to adjust to all the changes. Taking every day, along with all the happiness and the hiccups, as it comes. All of which I'm realising is ok.

I don't have all the answers, and I know this journey is still in its beginnings. Who knows that the future looks like.

But in the last three months, I have learnt to cherish what I had, see the positives in what I have now, be kind to myself, and look forward to what comes next (whatever that may be), and I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty good start.

Here's to the future.

72 Hours in Hamburg

72 HOURS IN HAMBURG

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling spontaneous & very generous (as were Ryanair apparently, with flights going for  a gorgeous, pocket-friendly, £9.99 one way). 

So with my boyfriend's 21st fast approaching, I decided to bite the bullet, scrape together the remains of my student finance and book a surprise, last-minute city break. With my options comprising of Cologne, Hamburg and Brussels, all of which looked so alluring on Google Images & happened to be cities my boyfriend and I had never visited before, it was Hamburg that eventually won. 

And in true student style, with a 6:40 am flight out, we went to the airport straight from our friend's beach inspired house party, meaning we (well mostly my boyfriend) arrived in Hamburg at 10am clad in leis, Hawaiian prints, sandals and running on 24+ hours of no sleep. If there was ever a time to live a little recklessly and make overly-ambitious decisions, as well as impress the locals with rather bold and garish clothing, the end of your student years must surely be the best time, right?

Needless to say, we ended up having an absolute ball in Hamburg (despite the lack of sleep), and came away feeling very lucky and glad that we had the chance to explore Germany's second biggest city. Located in the north of the country, and nestled on the banks of the River Elbe, Hamburg is a unique blend of various influences.

---

The Sternschanze district is very much Berlin-inspired. Lots of graffiti, colourful buildings, quirky independent shops and eateries, many a bicycle and a chilled yet assured vibe. And the district tails off into Hamburg's notorious Reeperbahn, aka. red light district, filled with neon lights, buzzing nightlife and promiscuity. Around Binnenalster lake, Monckebergstraze, the Rathaus and Hamburg train station, however, is a lot more classical European. Gorgeous, refined, impressive architecture. Stone paved walkways and roads. And down by the harbour and docks near the recently developed Hafen City, Elbphilharmonie Concert Hall and Landungsbrucken, is an inherent nautical vibe, inspired by the city's rich and continuing maritime history. 

Unfortunately, we didn't get to see Hamburg in its entirety, but three days was more than enough time to immerse ourselves in the city, and appreciate what a gem it really is. And even as students on a budget, it still felt like we got to do and see so much.

When we first arrived, I admittedly wasn't impressed by the city, which isn't quite as bustling as other major European cities, and after a day or two I really thought we'd seen it all. But by the end of a trip, having gotten to grips with what Hamburg is about and discovered more of its beauty and secrets, I didn't really want to go home.

So with that, here's our mini itinerary and some photos for you to take a little peek at...

Ist gut ja?

https://www.hamburg.com/visitors/
---


ITINERARY


Day 1




-McDonalds Adenaurallee 
-Wandering around the canals & little eateries in Hammerbrook (we stayed at the Hammerbrook Hostel)
-Watching the German version of The Chase (ours is definitely better)
-Walking near the train station, library and Museum of Kunst and Gewerbe
-Most amazing burgers at Burgerlich
-Wandering around Binnenalster lake, the Rathaus and Jungfernstieg
-Exploring St Pauli Nightmarket (only open Wednesday nights) and the Reeperbahn district


     



---


Day 2



-Breakfast at Schanzenbackerei
-Wandering around Hafen City, the Elbphilharmonie Orchestra concert hall, Deichtorhallen art & photography museum (well the gift shop), and along the River Elbe
-Takeaway pizzas from Schanzenbackerei (can you spot the recurring theme here...)
-Walking down the Elbe Tunnel under the River Elbe, and admiring the view of Hamburg from the opposite side of the river
-Riding the S-bahn
-Dinner in the amazing food court at the equally amazing Europa Passage shopping centre and a trip to the coolest underground supermarket
-Watching the new Jurassic Park film (in English) at Hamburg Dammtor cinema
-Walking around Binnenalster lake in the rain, admiring the beautiful architecture around the Stephansplatz district 
-Getting the train back to the main station at night, and seeing all the lights and amazing views on the way (plus German trains are sooo cool)


       


---

Day 3





-Breakfast at Schanzenbackerei (again)
-Looking in shops down Monckebergstraze (the main shopping street)
-Watching the World Cup in a little stone paved square eating currywurst and drinking Fanta
-Exploring the amazing Planten um Blomen park and the free Botanical Garden ( a real must see, such a beautiful park!)
-Walking around the gorgeous Sternschanze district and Schanzenviertel Quarter and eating delicious homemade ice creams for only 1 euro 20 
-Exploring near Gansemarkt, Hanseviertel Shopping Centre and Grozneumarkt 
-Going to the top of St Michael's Church (admittedly by lift) for only 5 euros and admiring the amazing panoramic view of Hamburg city in the sunshine
-Walking through the Portuguese Quarter and Michelwiese Park
-Evening schnitzel at Schweinske in the beautiful Hamburg Station, overlooking the trains coming and going

     

     

    

Say Yes To Love

SAY YES TO LOVE

The other day, I was doing some pretty impressive procrastination, and one of my procrastination tasks happened to be reading through old blog posts (cos obviously knowing what you were thinking in October 2015 is a lot more important than revising for your last ever uni exam).

It was so strange reading through my old posts, even the ones I only wrote a year ago, because it made me realise how much I have changed since then, and more so, how much my life has changed. 

A couple of posts that really resonated with me, were the ones about love.

Up to April last year, I had never been in a relationship, let alone kissed a guy, and to put it bluntly, I was a) very picky and sure of the kind of person I was looking for, 2) sceptical that I would ever meet somebody, and 3) just very scared of love in general. 

And I guess I never really thought my situation would change.

 But last year, some weird transformation happened to me, and I a) met somebody who I really really liked, who b) was a guy I never would have imagined myself with, and 3) I stopped being afraid of love.

It was life changing, and in the best way imaginable.

 And I'm telling you this now, over a year into my first ever relationship, because I was watching the Royal Wedding on Saturday with my boyfriend, and to be honest, it made me feel very soppy and lovey dovey, and reminded me how amazing, healing, magical and special love is. It also made me feel so happy, relieved and proud, for finally allowing myself the opportunity to experience all these incredible milestones, feelings and daily happiness, with someone who I care for and love so very deeply. Someone who has changed my life irreversibly for the better.

Love isn't always easy, it's true.

Me and my boyfriend have argued plenty of times (mostly around food, for some reason) and pissed each other off plenty of times too. We don't always share the same opinions or interests, or ideas about how to cook a meal right. He has little quirks that annoy me, and many things about me annoy him too. 

And if we're not winding each other up, another thing that's difficult is when we have to go long distance. Until my relationship, I didn't realise how hard it is, and how much it can physically hurt, to be away from someone you love. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone that much!

But all of this, all of it, is so very worthwhile.

By saying yes to love, and pushing myself out my comfort zone, taking control of my own happiness, and letting myself follow this incredible new adventure, despite not knowing where it would lead me, I have experienced happiness like no other.

I've laughed so hard. Made soooo many memories (it's amazing how much you can do in a year). Ate some bloody fantastic food. Discovered Game of Thrones!!! Finally understood what it's like to love and be loved in return. Experienced the incredible healing power of bear hugs. Found the best dancing partner you could ever ask for. Found someone who I can share all aspects of my life with. Found someone who makes my future seem so much brighter and beautiful and happier.

And what's more, I've become a better version of myself too. 

I'm more thoughtful, more able to compromise. More resilient and more generous. More relaxed and more content. Braver. Positive. More trusting and open and appreciative. More likely to say yes... 

Being in a relationship, you learn, and have the opportunity to learn, every day. My boyfriend is such a character, a unique individual unlike any other. I find him so fascinating and inspiring, and I love being able to grow alongside and with him, and see how our relationship changes as a result. Somehow the clunks and the catches get ironed out, the insecurities and worries fade away, and everything seems to click better. And we appreciate and understand each other better too.

Sometimes, I still can't quite believe this is actually happening to me. That this is my reality. I count my lucky stars every day in gratitude. 

And granted, sharing all this soppiness with you might make you want to vom. 

But I really felt like I had a duty to, because just over a year ago, I didn't know what this kind of love felt like. I had never allowed myself to experience it. I didn't quite get the value of a relationship- for me it was all about celebrating, enjoying and embracing the single life (which I would also highly recommend). And to be quite honest, I had no bloody idea what I was doing. 

I stuck to the same thinking, the same routines, that I had always known, and I found it hard to step outside of those confines. I was comfortable there. But likewise, inside I was craving that companionship, that new change to learn and grow, that opportunity to love somebody else so fully and deeply. To prove to myself that I could love and be loved.

And saying yes to love, changed everything for me.

I have no idea what the future holds for us, what the constellation of us looks like, but one thing I have always known, from the very start of the magnificent adventure, is that I will treasure these memories, and this love, for the rest of my life. I will never regret saying yes, and allowing this next chapter of my life to happen. 

So my advice to you, whoever you might be reading this, is to say yes to love too, whenever it next comes knocking at your door. Say yes to that person, whoever they may be. Let yourself love with an open and honest heart. Be vulnerable. Be hopeful. Remind yourself you deserve to be happy, so so happy, and see where that road could lead you. You can do it.

And it just might be the best decision you ever make.

(Ok I've finished now- you can put down the sick bucket)

Saying Goodbye to Uni

SAYING GOODBYE TO UNI

Earlier this week, I had my last ever lectures. Next week is my final exam. I move out in a month, and in two months I should, hopefully, graduate. 

My university life, these blissful, wonderful, magical four years, are gradually coming to an end. 

I'd be lying to you if I said I was okay with all of this, because truth is, although I'm excited about what comes next, and what the future holds, I'm also pretty terrified. Even though my heart knows it's time to move on, heck, the idea of doing another lecture, another module, revising for days in the library... ugh, just no... leaving all of this behind isn't easy. Manchester, and university, have been my home and world for the last for years. My life is literally written and embedded into this city. 

And I don't want to say goodbye. 

People I love and care about very much, will still live here. The activities and places that have defined my life will continue to run, start again, carry on, whether I'm there or not. The world, the city, the university... they aren't going to stop. And I get that. But it's just hard to accept that after the next couple of months, there's not really going to be a place for me anymore, maybe not at all.

And along with trying to grapple for acceptance with all this, make my peace, process the fact that they'll be no more lectures, no more Korfball, no more avoiding council tax, no more living in my student home of three years, no more independence, no more seeing friends, housemates, my boyfriend whenever I want to... along with all this, I'm trying to figure out what my next step looks like. Listening to everyone's advice and opinions about what I should do, where I should be. Dealing with people's responses as I tell them I have no idea what happens next. 

It's exhausting. And scary. And sad.

I wish it wasn't happening to me, but it is, and I have to accept that.

Every year thousands upon thousands of people end up in my position and get through it somehow. I just wish I knew how they did it, or that I had a heads up, just to let me know things will be ok. They'll work out. Even though I know a couple of people graduating, they seem to have their lives sorted, and I feel like the only one without a plan. Or perhaps more accurately, I did have a plan, and I have potential plans, but it feels like I can't do what I really want to do because people say it's not the best idea, or because of factors beyond my control. And on top of all that, I have those old doubts which make me question if I'm really ready to graduate and be an independent, self-sufficient, kick-ass professional.

It's all just one big emotional pickle that can be hard to overcome and get to grips with on my own.

But recently, I've found a couple of things that are helping me.

The first, is remembering and being reminded that I'm not alone in all this. For starters, there's so many people in my position, but also, I've got a truly amazing support network of family and friends who always have my back, and who I know will support me whatever I do, lift me up whenever I need that boost. I just need to remember that they're there, and reach out a little more.

The second, is taking a deep breath and forgetting about what comes next. Instead, I'm choosing to really enjoy and celebrate these last few weeks. Say yes to things. Make plans. Spend time with people. End my uni days on a high. I'm giving myself time to rest, time to relax, time to say goodbye, and get in the right head space to focus on my future, so that I can make sure I'm in the best place I can possibly be to begin this next chapter.

The third, is taking back control of my future. So many people are giving me advice and sharing their opinions with me, which I really do appreciate. But I suppose I've got to the point where that's bogged me down a bit, and I lost touch with what I want and what I want to do. I keep forgetting that ultimately, it's my choice. It's my life. And I need to take ownership of it.

The fourth, is remembering that a year really isn't that long. It isn't forever. And looking at my immediate future in that way helps me to feel okay with whatever comes next. It makes me feel calmer and more in control.

The fifth, is trusting in my relationships with people I care about. I've made some amazing, phenomenal friends during uni, and somehow managed to find the most incredible boyfriend too, and part of me is scared of losing them all. But having spoken to people, and having been reminded of how important, special, and wonderful these people are, I trust and I know that everything is going to be ok, and I'm going to make sure that happens.

And the sixth, is pretty simple.

It's focusing on all the positives. All the good things that have happened, and all the amazing things that will happen, and feeling excited about what is yet to come.

The next big old magnificent, mysterious, wondrous adventure...