LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS
What do you think of, when you hear the words 'long distance relationship'?
Some people think of them in quite a romantic, nostalgic, dreamy way, and I suppose truth be told, there is something quite endearing about two people separated by space and time, but still bound together by the love they have for one another. A love so strong that it defies all those boundaries. It's a reassuring notion in this day and age, that love can still be that fearless and bold and enduring.
And then you get some people who view long distance relationships as something that just happens. A practicality, a necessity, a something you just have to get on with and endure. There's no rose-tinted glasses around here. Only a good old fashioned suck it up and carry on mentality.
And then... you get some who think long distance relationships are awful. The worst thing in the world. What could be worse than being away from the one you love for days, weeks, months at a time? What's the point in being in a relationship if you hardly see each other? How do you put up with it when you don't know if it's ever going to end? Why would you put yourself through it? How are you meant to have any kind of meaningful relationship when your lives are so different and separate, and you miss out on all the little things that happen? How do you keep the spark alive whilst also embracing your independence too?
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I didn't really have much of an opinion of long distance relationships until recently, when I suddenly found myself in one.
I discovered that actually, I'm a mixture of all three of these things. I think long distance relationships are great, I think they're just something to get on with, should you find yourself in one, and I also happen to think they're just really really shit.
I never appreciated what long distance relationships are actually like until I experienced it myself, and I suppose that's true for a lot of things, isn't it? You just can't know for sure, or fully empathise, until it happens to you.
Over the last four years, I've had to live away from a lot of the people I love. A good chunk of my important relationships have been long distance, and I found that surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. If anything, it was pretty nice, because every visit felt that much more special. And with endless minutes, Skype, Facetime, social media, you never have to feel that far away from someone you love. You can still connect and share in each other's lives, and when you do meet up, it feels as if you've never been apart. Time away can be amazing, because it teaches you how to nurture your relationships, and shows you just how strong they really are, which in itself is quite a heartwarming feeling.
But long distance romantic relationships... for me, that's been a complete other ball game entirely. Nothing could have prepared me for it.
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Even though I'd never been in a relationship until a year and a half ago, I always kind of knew that I didn't want to be in an long distance relationship. In fact, it didn't even occur to me that I might find myself in one at some point. That it might happen to me. My idea of love and relationships was quite limited, in hindsight. Of all the relationships I'd encountered in my life, hardly any were long distance, and the ones that were, the couples didn't live too far away from one another, so it wasn't so bad.
For the majority of our relationship, my boyfriend and I saw each other almost every day. We did the same sport together. We shared a friendship group and many of our social activities. We lived a 10 minute walk away from one another. We studied together. We made dinner together. We chatted all the time. We visited each other every couple of weeks in the holidays. The most time we ever spent apart was three weeks over Christmas, and that was tough.
We were regular fixtures in one another's lives, and more than that, we were building our lives together. We were becoming something. Working towards something. Things were happening. It was exactly how I imagined and hoped being in a relationship would be. Looking back on it now, it may seem a bit intense actually, but the simple truth is we just loved being around one another. We were best friends. We were in love. And it was wonderful.
And then I graduated this summer.
And I moved back home, two hours away.
And I got a job, and he had another year of uni.
And suddenly, the whole dynamic of our relationship changed.
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I think one of the things I struggled with most, was that after a year and a bit of our relationship moving forwards and growing into something so beautiful and amazing, it suddenly felt like we'd taken a million steps back. If we had to go long distance at all, I felt like it all should have been the other way round. Long distance than short distance. Not short distance then long distance. Not having a taste of something so wonderful, the exact life you want, and then losing it for the foreseeable future and having to replace it with the second best option. No, no thank you.
I miss seeing my boyfriend for more than two, three days at a time. I miss seeing his face. I miss his hugs. Laughing with him. Holding his hand. I miss sharing our lives together. I miss cooking dinner with him. Watching films together. Having someone lying next to me in bed. Being able to pop over to his house whenever I want or need to. I even miss just sitting next to him, and being near him. All those little insignificant things you take for granted so easily.
Long distance relationships are hard. Even now, almost five months in, I still have moments where I miss him so badly it physically hurts, or I end up crying out of loneliness, frustration, sadness. I'll get myself in right old funk of self-pity and self-doubt, moaning like there's no tomorrow, and nothing anyone says can make me feel better, because sometimes I don't want to feel better. I want to mope around and feel sorry for myself and my situation.
Many times I've found myself wondering how our relationship can work and keep going when it's up against all these obstacles, all this distance, all this change. I wonder if I myself can get through the challenges it presents us. I wonder when it will all end, because right now we just don't know. And I worry, god I worry, like there's no tomorrow. Endless unhelpful thoughts and fears trickling through my mind like an annoying tap you can never quite switch off.
Then there's other times, when I get so used to being independent and on my own 90% of the time, and I get so comfortable with it, that I worry I've gone too far in adjusting to being long-distance. I adapt too well, because it's what I have to do to feel alright with everything, to keep myself going, to not miss him too much, and I end up creating an existence where there's not much space for him. And it begs the question, how do I feel ok on my own, and embrace it again, whilst also keeping my relationship alive, and my love, my boyfriend, a central, important, precious part of my life?
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I've come to realise that actually, there is no right or wrong way of doing long distance relationships. I've also realised they're not the best thing in the world, but then again, neither are they the worst either. It's the just the way things are sometimes. And at the end of the day, it all comes down to your perspective, how much you love one another and want to be together, and how you're going to shape your relationship to ensure you still feel loved and content in spite of the distance.
I'm realising that if I want my relationship to carry on, I need to view my situation positively. Remember how much I bloody love my boyfriend and the love we share, and how much he loves me. And that we both need to make the time and effort for one another. Whether it be talking on messenger. A phone call. Arranging our next visit, whenever that will be. There has to be a lot of compromising. A lot of resilience. A lot of positive thinking. A lot of remembering why all the effort and struggle is so worth it.
Communication is key, and it has to be initiated by both people. Deciding when you'll next see each other makes the wait bearable. Not putting too much pressure on meet ups to be perfect also helps, after all, arguing and winding each other up is completely normal. Treasuring the time you spend together, even if that means lying in bed all day or grabbing something for dinner from Tesco. Thinking about how nice it will be to be together again when the long distance is over. Understanding the needs of your partner and being selfless. Letting one other become your own people and flourish in your respective lives, whilst also making sure to hold on to one another in some kind of way. Recognising and remembering how this experience is making, and will make you and your relationship stronger and better.
In some respects, long distance relationships really are great because they highlight how strong your relationship is, what's important to you, and how much you believe in your relationship and its future. They don't call it a test for no reason I guess. And every month you get through feels like an achievement because you're making it work. You're believing. You're doing what you can, given the circumstances. It also gets easier once you establish a routine, and decide what's important to you. Whether that be phone calls every evening, facetiming at the end of the week, sending letters, meeting up once a week, every other weekend, for a month.
So much easier.
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Long distance relationships are tricky, there's no denying that, and some people find that it isn't right for them, and that's ok. You've got to do what works for you. You always, always have the choice. But if you do find yourself in one, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't despair. Give it your best shot. Believe in your love, believe in your strength, believe in your future. See all the positives. Recognise that it will be hard sometimes, but that with some patience, understanding and belief, you'll get through it. And always remember...
if you love and care for someone enough, and they love and care for you too, you'll always find a way to make it work.
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