Plant & Nature Photography

PLANT & NATURE PHOTOGRAPHY

I've always loved taking photos. And over the last year, I've also developed quite an affection for plants too. Combine them together & what do you get? Someone who gets a real kick out of photographing plants.

Ta-da!

Normally all these said pictures just pile up and accumulate, and never really see the light of day, so I thought that for a change, it'd be nice to share some of my favourite photos with you.

All of these photographs were taken over summer and early autumn, and in a variety of different places including Cambridge University Botanic Garden, Trent Lock Canal and Darley Park in the Midlands, Walpole Park and Greenwich Park in London, Fletcher Moss Gardens in Manchester, Sandown in the Isle of Wight and Planten un Blomen in Hamburg. 

There's just so much beauty to be found wherever you go in the world, whatever the weather, and I love attempting to capture that beauty and do it justice as best as I can. It really gives me such a buzz. And what's more, these days it's so easy to take and edit high quality pictures too. For all my photos below, I used either my iPod touch camera or Samsung phone camera, and touched them up a little on Windows Photo Gallery. Amateur photography at it's finest eh.

Taking photos, especially of nature and plants, is such a worthwhile hobby, because if anything, it really forces you to stop, look and appreciate the world around you, in all its glory. Something I find is so healthy for the mind, heart and soul. If you ever find yourself wondering whether or not to do it, give it a try, find your inner photographers eye, and soon you will be taking so many photos that people are begging you to stop (fact). And that's no bad thing.

So with that, I hope you enjoy my photos, and if you'd like to use one for any purpose, just let me know.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

---

---

---

Life After Uni

LIFE AFTER UNI

Believe it or not, dear readers, this is my third time trying to write this post.

The first time, I was feeling a bit sad. I'd just moved back home, and the stark contrast to the life I had literally just been living in the days, weeks before, had hit me all at once. I remember it was a Friday night that it happened, and I had my first big cry, alone in my room, after going out for dinner with my parents. 

I cried like there was no tomorrow. I was devastated. 

So I decided to write about my feelings, and when I went to write this post, my aim was to write about the reality of life after uni, focusing mostly on the not so good things. The things no-one really warns you about when you sign up to the whole uni experience. 

But you know what, I found I couldn't do it, because half way through writing, I realised life after uni wasn't all that bad. There were good things too.

---

So the second time I tried to write this post, I was feeling really happy. And I wanted to write how actually, life after uni was pretty good, and how that's another thing people don't really tell you when you sign up to the uni experience either. 

It was the middle of summer. I had lots of plans. Lots to do. People to see. Life to live. Every week, and near enough every day, was filled with something. Lots of distractions to keep me busy, and my mind occupied. It was great. Just like any other uni summer. Long and lazy and lovely. Perfect.

I was so buzzed to write about that side of the coin. All the good things. 

But again, when I was writing, I found that I just couldn't finish the post. I didn't fully believe in what I was writing, because I knew from my previous experience that life after uni isn't always happy and positive either. Sometimes, it's pretty shite too.

So I left it for another few weeks, which brings us to now.

And I've finally realised that the post I want to write for you dear readers, not a negative post, nor is it a positive post. No, the post I want to write, is simply an honest post. The kind of post, I now realise, that you can only really write when you've lived a little. Experienced things a bit more. The post you write with the wisdom of knowing both the positives and the negatives of a situation. 

---

Strangely enough, over the last week I've actually been experiencing both those things in parallel. 

My days have been happy, filled, satisfying. No complaints. Yet in the last week, I've cried about my new life three times already, the most recent being this morning. And it's making me realise that this new predicament I've found myself in, is both good and bad. It has its positives, and its negatives. I wouldn't necessarily choose this life for myself, yet at the same time, it's not the worst thing either. It's quite a satisfactory life, but likewise, I know it's not my best life.

Every time I cry, I have to remind myself that it's okay, because effectively I have lost my old life, almost overnight, or at least that's how it feels. And more than that, I've lost a way of life too. At the moment, it's starting to dawn on me that after summer is over, I won't be going back to Manchester again, after four years of that routine. No more studying. No more uni house. No more amazing social life. No more korfball. No more Freshers Week. No more student finance. No more seeing all my friends in one place. No more seeing my boyfriend whenever I want to. And more than that, after 18 years in consecutive education, I won't be starting a new academic year come September. 

This year, there is nothing to distinguish my August and September. There is no-one waiting for me to turn up for class. No more studying or learning or working towards something bigger. I'm all done, and it feels amazing and terrifying at the same time. At the time of writing this post, I don't have anything bigger lined up, and it's strange not knowing what will happen next. Moreover, come September, almost all my friends and loved ones will go back to different places across the country. And this year, I won't be one of them. The solace of at least having my loved ones nearby, or having the time to see me, will go, which is probably the thing I'm struggling with the most right now.

But despite all this, I know in my heart, even in the hardest times, that my new life is still pretty awesome.

I get to see my family a lot more, especially my grandparents, which has been amazing. I have a job, which gives me structure and routine, money (!!!), purpose and where I get to work alongside some really amazing, lovely people. I get to see my friends from home more. I see the countryside and travel to other places a lot more. I have time to chill out and do things I enjoy. I can keep in contact with loved ones by Skype and phone calls, and make trips to go and see them. I feel a lot more relaxed. I have lots of things to look forward to. And of course, I finally get to hold the pen and draw out my life, decide what will happen next, imagine what this next chapter will hold.

---

But perhaps more than that, I move into this next chapter with four incredible, magical, cherished, life-changing years behind me. Four years that no-one and nothing can take away from me. Four years that turned my life into something I never believed or dreamt it could be. And I know that's pretty remarkable. Even though my life right now is quite different to what it used to be, I'm very lucky in that some of the best bits of my old life have carried on through.

My friends. My boyfriend. My degree. My love of Korball and Manchester. The experiences and skills and memories that I've gained, too many to name. And the many ways I've changed fundamentally as a person. The Tasha who's landed back in Derby, is very different to the one who left it four years ago to embark on the biggest adventure of her life, and that actually makes me quite proud to say. I carry this beautiful, gorgeous experience within me, and always will, as it's made me the person I am today. The best version of me.

---

I'd be lying if I said I'd figured out how to live my best life post-uni, and I'd be lying if I said life after uni was better than uni itself, because it's not right now. One day it will be. But if anything, it feels like someone has taken the snow globe of my life and given it a good old shake, and I'm waiting to see how everything falls into place. Trying to adjust to all the changes. Taking every day, along with all the happiness and the hiccups, as it comes. All of which I'm realising is ok.

I don't have all the answers, and I know this journey is still in its beginnings. Who knows that the future looks like.

But in the last three months, I have learnt to cherish what I had, see the positives in what I have now, be kind to myself, and look forward to what comes next (whatever that may be), and I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty good start.

Here's to the future.

72 Hours in Hamburg

72 HOURS IN HAMBURG

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling spontaneous & very generous (as were Ryanair apparently, with flights going for  a gorgeous, pocket-friendly, £9.99 one way). 

So with my boyfriend's 21st fast approaching, I decided to bite the bullet, scrape together the remains of my student finance and book a surprise, last-minute city break. With my options comprising of Cologne, Hamburg and Brussels, all of which looked so alluring on Google Images & happened to be cities my boyfriend and I had never visited before, it was Hamburg that eventually won. 

And in true student style, with a 6:40 am flight out, we went to the airport straight from our friend's beach inspired house party, meaning we (well mostly my boyfriend) arrived in Hamburg at 10am clad in leis, Hawaiian prints, sandals and running on 24+ hours of no sleep. If there was ever a time to live a little recklessly and make overly-ambitious decisions, as well as impress the locals with rather bold and garish clothing, the end of your student years must surely be the best time, right?

Needless to say, we ended up having an absolute ball in Hamburg (despite the lack of sleep), and came away feeling very lucky and glad that we had the chance to explore Germany's second biggest city. Located in the north of the country, and nestled on the banks of the River Elbe, Hamburg is a unique blend of various influences.

---

The Sternschanze district is very much Berlin-inspired. Lots of graffiti, colourful buildings, quirky independent shops and eateries, many a bicycle and a chilled yet assured vibe. And the district tails off into Hamburg's notorious Reeperbahn, aka. red light district, filled with neon lights, buzzing nightlife and promiscuity. Around Binnenalster lake, Monckebergstraze, the Rathaus and Hamburg train station, however, is a lot more classical European. Gorgeous, refined, impressive architecture. Stone paved walkways and roads. And down by the harbour and docks near the recently developed Hafen City, Elbphilharmonie Concert Hall and Landungsbrucken, is an inherent nautical vibe, inspired by the city's rich and continuing maritime history. 

Unfortunately, we didn't get to see Hamburg in its entirety, but three days was more than enough time to immerse ourselves in the city, and appreciate what a gem it really is. And even as students on a budget, it still felt like we got to do and see so much.

When we first arrived, I admittedly wasn't impressed by the city, which isn't quite as bustling as other major European cities, and after a day or two I really thought we'd seen it all. But by the end of a trip, having gotten to grips with what Hamburg is about and discovered more of its beauty and secrets, I didn't really want to go home.

So with that, here's our mini itinerary and some photos for you to take a little peek at...

Ist gut ja?

https://www.hamburg.com/visitors/
---


ITINERARY


Day 1




-McDonalds Adenaurallee 
-Wandering around the canals & little eateries in Hammerbrook (we stayed at the Hammerbrook Hostel)
-Watching the German version of The Chase (ours is definitely better)
-Walking near the train station, library and Museum of Kunst and Gewerbe
-Most amazing burgers at Burgerlich
-Wandering around Binnenalster lake, the Rathaus and Jungfernstieg
-Exploring St Pauli Nightmarket (only open Wednesday nights) and the Reeperbahn district


     



---


Day 2



-Breakfast at Schanzenbackerei
-Wandering around Hafen City, the Elbphilharmonie Orchestra concert hall, Deichtorhallen art & photography museum (well the gift shop), and along the River Elbe
-Takeaway pizzas from Schanzenbackerei (can you spot the recurring theme here...)
-Walking down the Elbe Tunnel under the River Elbe, and admiring the view of Hamburg from the opposite side of the river
-Riding the S-bahn
-Dinner in the amazing food court at the equally amazing Europa Passage shopping centre and a trip to the coolest underground supermarket
-Watching the new Jurassic Park film (in English) at Hamburg Dammtor cinema
-Walking around Binnenalster lake in the rain, admiring the beautiful architecture around the Stephansplatz district 
-Getting the train back to the main station at night, and seeing all the lights and amazing views on the way (plus German trains are sooo cool)


       


---

Day 3





-Breakfast at Schanzenbackerei (again)
-Looking in shops down Monckebergstraze (the main shopping street)
-Watching the World Cup in a little stone paved square eating currywurst and drinking Fanta
-Exploring the amazing Planten um Blomen park and the free Botanical Garden ( a real must see, such a beautiful park!)
-Walking around the gorgeous Sternschanze district and Schanzenviertel Quarter and eating delicious homemade ice creams for only 1 euro 20 
-Exploring near Gansemarkt, Hanseviertel Shopping Centre and Grozneumarkt 
-Going to the top of St Michael's Church (admittedly by lift) for only 5 euros and admiring the amazing panoramic view of Hamburg city in the sunshine
-Walking through the Portuguese Quarter and Michelwiese Park
-Evening schnitzel at Schweinske in the beautiful Hamburg Station, overlooking the trains coming and going

     

     

    

Say Yes To Love

SAY YES TO LOVE

The other day, I was doing some pretty impressive procrastination, and one of my procrastination tasks happened to be reading through old blog posts (cos obviously knowing what you were thinking in October 2015 is a lot more important than revising for your last ever uni exam).

It was so strange reading through my old posts, even the ones I only wrote a year ago, because it made me realise how much I have changed since then, and more so, how much my life has changed. 

A couple of posts that really resonated with me, were the ones about love.

Up to April last year, I had never been in a relationship, let alone kissed a guy, and to put it bluntly, I was a) very picky and sure of the kind of person I was looking for, 2) sceptical that I would ever meet somebody, and 3) just very scared of love in general. 

And I guess I never really thought my situation would change.

 But last year, some weird transformation happened to me, and I a) met somebody who I really really liked, who b) was a guy I never would have imagined myself with, and 3) I stopped being afraid of love.

It was life changing, and in the best way imaginable.

 And I'm telling you this now, over a year into my first ever relationship, because I was watching the Royal Wedding on Saturday with my boyfriend, and to be honest, it made me feel very soppy and lovey dovey, and reminded me how amazing, healing, magical and special love is. It also made me feel so happy, relieved and proud, for finally allowing myself the opportunity to experience all these incredible milestones, feelings and daily happiness, with someone who I care for and love so very deeply. Someone who has changed my life irreversibly for the better.

Love isn't always easy, it's true.

Me and my boyfriend have argued plenty of times (mostly around food, for some reason) and pissed each other off plenty of times too. We don't always share the same opinions or interests, or ideas about how to cook a meal right. He has little quirks that annoy me, and many things about me annoy him too. 

And if we're not winding each other up, another thing that's difficult is when we have to go long distance. Until my relationship, I didn't realise how hard it is, and how much it can physically hurt, to be away from someone you love. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone that much!

But all of this, all of it, is so very worthwhile.

By saying yes to love, and pushing myself out my comfort zone, taking control of my own happiness, and letting myself follow this incredible new adventure, despite not knowing where it would lead me, I have experienced happiness like no other.

I've laughed so hard. Made soooo many memories (it's amazing how much you can do in a year). Ate some bloody fantastic food. Discovered Game of Thrones!!! Finally understood what it's like to love and be loved in return. Experienced the incredible healing power of bear hugs. Found the best dancing partner you could ever ask for. Found someone who I can share all aspects of my life with. Found someone who makes my future seem so much brighter and beautiful and happier.

And what's more, I've become a better version of myself too. 

I'm more thoughtful, more able to compromise. More resilient and more generous. More relaxed and more content. Braver. Positive. More trusting and open and appreciative. More likely to say yes... 

Being in a relationship, you learn, and have the opportunity to learn, every day. My boyfriend is such a character, a unique individual unlike any other. I find him so fascinating and inspiring, and I love being able to grow alongside and with him, and see how our relationship changes as a result. Somehow the clunks and the catches get ironed out, the insecurities and worries fade away, and everything seems to click better. And we appreciate and understand each other better too.

Sometimes, I still can't quite believe this is actually happening to me. That this is my reality. I count my lucky stars every day in gratitude. 

And granted, sharing all this soppiness with you might make you want to vom. 

But I really felt like I had a duty to, because just over a year ago, I didn't know what this kind of love felt like. I had never allowed myself to experience it. I didn't quite get the value of a relationship- for me it was all about celebrating, enjoying and embracing the single life (which I would also highly recommend). And to be quite honest, I had no bloody idea what I was doing. 

I stuck to the same thinking, the same routines, that I had always known, and I found it hard to step outside of those confines. I was comfortable there. But likewise, inside I was craving that companionship, that new change to learn and grow, that opportunity to love somebody else so fully and deeply. To prove to myself that I could love and be loved.

And saying yes to love, changed everything for me.

I have no idea what the future holds for us, what the constellation of us looks like, but one thing I have always known, from the very start of the magnificent adventure, is that I will treasure these memories, and this love, for the rest of my life. I will never regret saying yes, and allowing this next chapter of my life to happen. 

So my advice to you, whoever you might be reading this, is to say yes to love too, whenever it next comes knocking at your door. Say yes to that person, whoever they may be. Let yourself love with an open and honest heart. Be vulnerable. Be hopeful. Remind yourself you deserve to be happy, so so happy, and see where that road could lead you. You can do it.

And it just might be the best decision you ever make.

(Ok I've finished now- you can put down the sick bucket)

Saying Goodbye to Uni

SAYING GOODBYE TO UNI

Earlier this week, I had my last ever lectures. Next week is my final exam. I move out in a month, and in two months I should, hopefully, graduate. 

My university life, these blissful, wonderful, magical four years, are gradually coming to an end. 

I'd be lying to you if I said I was okay with all of this, because truth is, although I'm excited about what comes next, and what the future holds, I'm also pretty terrified. Even though my heart knows it's time to move on, heck, the idea of doing another lecture, another module, revising for days in the library... ugh, just no... leaving all of this behind isn't easy. Manchester, and university, have been my home and world for the last for years. My life is literally written and embedded into this city. 

And I don't want to say goodbye. 

People I love and care about very much, will still live here. The activities and places that have defined my life will continue to run, start again, carry on, whether I'm there or not. The world, the city, the university... they aren't going to stop. And I get that. But it's just hard to accept that after the next couple of months, there's not really going to be a place for me anymore, maybe not at all.

And along with trying to grapple for acceptance with all this, make my peace, process the fact that they'll be no more lectures, no more Korfball, no more avoiding council tax, no more living in my student home of three years, no more independence, no more seeing friends, housemates, my boyfriend whenever I want to... along with all this, I'm trying to figure out what my next step looks like. Listening to everyone's advice and opinions about what I should do, where I should be. Dealing with people's responses as I tell them I have no idea what happens next. 

It's exhausting. And scary. And sad.

I wish it wasn't happening to me, but it is, and I have to accept that.

Every year thousands upon thousands of people end up in my position and get through it somehow. I just wish I knew how they did it, or that I had a heads up, just to let me know things will be ok. They'll work out. Even though I know a couple of people graduating, they seem to have their lives sorted, and I feel like the only one without a plan. Or perhaps more accurately, I did have a plan, and I have potential plans, but it feels like I can't do what I really want to do because people say it's not the best idea, or because of factors beyond my control. And on top of all that, I have those old doubts which make me question if I'm really ready to graduate and be an independent, self-sufficient, kick-ass professional.

It's all just one big emotional pickle that can be hard to overcome and get to grips with on my own.

But recently, I've found a couple of things that are helping me.

The first, is remembering and being reminded that I'm not alone in all this. For starters, there's so many people in my position, but also, I've got a truly amazing support network of family and friends who always have my back, and who I know will support me whatever I do, lift me up whenever I need that boost. I just need to remember that they're there, and reach out a little more.

The second, is taking a deep breath and forgetting about what comes next. Instead, I'm choosing to really enjoy and celebrate these last few weeks. Say yes to things. Make plans. Spend time with people. End my uni days on a high. I'm giving myself time to rest, time to relax, time to say goodbye, and get in the right head space to focus on my future, so that I can make sure I'm in the best place I can possibly be to begin this next chapter.

The third, is taking back control of my future. So many people are giving me advice and sharing their opinions with me, which I really do appreciate. But I suppose I've got to the point where that's bogged me down a bit, and I lost touch with what I want and what I want to do. I keep forgetting that ultimately, it's my choice. It's my life. And I need to take ownership of it.

The fourth, is remembering that a year really isn't that long. It isn't forever. And looking at my immediate future in that way helps me to feel okay with whatever comes next. It makes me feel calmer and more in control.

The fifth, is trusting in my relationships with people I care about. I've made some amazing, phenomenal friends during uni, and somehow managed to find the most incredible boyfriend too, and part of me is scared of losing them all. But having spoken to people, and having been reminded of how important, special, and wonderful these people are, I trust and I know that everything is going to be ok, and I'm going to make sure that happens.

And the sixth, is pretty simple.

It's focusing on all the positives. All the good things that have happened, and all the amazing things that will happen, and feeling excited about what is yet to come.

The next big old magnificent, mysterious, wondrous adventure...

Some Recent Thoughts and Happenings

SOME RECENT THOUGHTS & HAPPENINGS

It feels like so long since I last wrote. I guess life just gets in the way sometimes, doesn't it?

I used to write this blog religiously, whereas now it only seems to be when I feel a pull to write, or a strong desire to share some thought or feeling with the world. Today is one of those days.

I don't have anything in particular that I want to share, just a random assortment of things that I want to share or talk about all at once. And by random, I mean random. In the post you've got everything from Fearne Cotton to gastroscopies to Samwell Tarly, to George Ezra to wondering what comes next after university. Life has, as always, been an unpredictable, glorious, wild rollercoaster. But that's just how it rolls.

So here we go, some recent thoughts of mine...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Fearne Cotton- Happy Place Podcast

I just listened to my first Happy Place podcast by Fearne Cotton, in particular the one with the brilliant Lena Headey from Game of Thrones, and I LOVED IT. I've never really been into podcasts, but I'd heard a lot of good stuff about the Happy Place, and I love Fearne Cotton, so I decided to give it a whirl. I listened to the podcast whilst I did some tidying up and had a shower, and not only did it make me feel like a very mature 21 year old, I also really enjoyed it. It was so nice to listen to a hearty, unscripted, honest conversation about lots of important themes all centred around mental health and wellbeing. It made me think, it made me laugh, and it made me feel more connected to the world around me. Would highly recommend!

http://www.officialfearnecotton.com/news/2018/2/26/happy-place-podcast 

2) Sam from Game of Thrones

The other day I was at a house party and I was talking to my friend about how I'd not really seen anyone famous in Manchester, well, apart from Chesney from Coronation Street that is. However, by some strange, fateful co-incidence, I was in the Arndale the next day, on my way to Wilko's, when I looked up and saw Sam from Game of Thrones right in front of me. I had a strong feeling that I knew him from somewhere, and I recognised his voice too, but I couldn't think where I new him from. And when I looked at him, his facial expression just seemed to say 'please don't say anything', a pleading look almost. But of course, it was only after I passed him that I realised who he was. It was the most surreal thing seeing Samwell Tarly outside Wilko's, when I've only ever seen him in Westeros, and having just binge-watched all of Game of Thrones. Life can be so strange sometimes...

3) Gastrocopy

A couple of weeks ago I had to have a gastroscopy, and I thought I'd share some tips in case you or someone you know ever has to have one. So a gastroscopy is a thin tube with flashing lights and a camera that is passed down your mouth, through your throat, and down to your stomach. By doing this, the consultant can see how everything is doing down in your pharynx, oesophagus and stomach. 

Now I'm not going to lie, having a gastroscopy is pretty shit. Until I had one, I didn't appreciate how weird and uncomfortable it is having a tube down your throat. But now having now had one myself, these are my top tips on how to get through it:

-As you can't eat and drink for six hours, and surprisingly, you'll miss drinking the most, carry your toothbrush and paste around with you so you can freshen up and experience the taste of something in your mouth

-You'll belch a lot during the procedure. This is totally normal (and funny in hindsight), and you just have to see the funny side and roll with it, because it will just keep on coming and coming...

-Try not to swallow saliva, as it will remind you you have a tube in your throat and make you gag

-Hold onto the nurse's hand as tightly as you can, until the consultant tells you to let go because she really needs the nurse for the next part of the procedure

-Get sedated if you can, because I've heard it makes the procedure a lot more bearable and calmer for all involved

-If you don't get sedated, I would highly advise you to do these two things: deep breathing and visualisation. Think of the calmest, happiest place you can and go back to it whenever you can. Imagine every detail and feeling, because it will help relax you and take you away from your current, rather shitty situation. And take deep breaths constantly because again, it will help relax you, and it's the only way you can re-gain conscious control over your body and stop that pesky gag reflex

Lastly, try not worry about the procedure and what it could mean. The anxiety ISN'T WORTH IT. So instead, see it as a positive, a proactive way of looking after yourself and your health. 

4) George Ezra

His new album, 'Staying At Tamara's', is brilliant. Pure summery, positive, spirited joy, that will be the soundtrack to your summer, and make you feel happy, calm and optimistic within a matter of seconds.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Staying-At-Tamaras-George-Ezra/dp/B07895V7V6

5) Running

Next month I'm doing the Manchester 10k again, and having not run since the last one I did a year ago, I thought it was time to start training this weekend. I used to love going for runs at the end of college and the start of uni, but it kind of fizzled out as my priorities and life changed. I forgot how great it is. And as I was running yesterday, it reminded me how positive and great running makes me feel, both physically and mentally. If you want to feel good about yourself, go for a run. If you want to see the power and difference that positive thinking can have, and in real time too, go for a run. If you want to feel in touch with nature and your body again, go for a run. If you want to eat a mega cooked breakfast, go for a run. The positives are quite literally endless.

6) Love

One important thing I've recently learnt about relationships, is to focus on, and remember all the positives about your relationship. Remind yourself of all the memories, the good times, the beautiful and loving times, the happy times, the difficulties you overcame. And celebrate the person you're with. Yes, you both have your annoying or less likeable attributes, but don't fixate on that. Instead, celebrate, recognise and indulge in all the things that make your partner so wonderful, so loveable, so special. Think about all the reasons why you love and care for them so bloody much. It's a fabulous way of putting things into perspective and making you appreciate this amazing gift and bond that you're lucky enough to share.

7) Uni

It's only a matter of weeks now till I finish my degree. Only two months till I move out. Three months till I graduate. After four long years of experiences, amazing memories, indescribable growth, a series of ups and downs, and having the absolute time of my life, this precious time of my life is almost at an end. I still can't believe it. Four years is such a long time, to the extent you almost feel as though it will last forever. How could it ever come to an end? How can anything follow this? How can anything top this? What does my next chapter look like? What does my future hold? 

I always thought I'd have it planned out by this point in my final year, but the fact is, I don't. And sometimes that's ok, and sometimes it's not. Part of me knows that whatever happens next, it will be okay. What will be will be. Life will continue. My world will carry on spinning. I'll find my way to the next stepping stone... 

It's just so strange because my life has seemingly always been mapped out and structured, and soon it will all come down to me. I will be responsible for dictating my story and my future. The paths I take, the roads I turn down. And this beautiful, blessed life I have been living for the last four years will look quite different, and I still don't know how I feel about that, and how I'll handle it. I love my life right now. It's as plain and simple as that. And having to give it up and say goodbye is so hard. I worry a lot about whether I'll ever be this happy and content again. But, at the same time, wow, what a ride. I'm so lucky to have had this experience. So indescribably lucky. 

These are my stories, my memories, my history. And I just hope that I can find it in me to keep on trusting life, because if fate gave me this, something I had never dared hope for before, never dreamed could happen to me, then surely, hopefully, there are still better things to come. 

Embracing My Sensitivity

EMBRACING MY SENSITIVITY

All my life I've been a sensitive person. It's a characteristic I've always known I possess, and one that people have always recognised in me. "Don't be so sensitive" or "you're so sensitive" were phrases often directed my way growing up, and it's true, I was, and I still am, a very sensitive person.

And that's ok. Except, the thing is, maybe it's not. 

Over the years, it's been instilled in me that this spectacular trait of mine isn't a good thing. To be a sensitive person isn't desirable, nor is it beneficial. My sensitivity means I often get migraines because the light is too bright, a smell too strong, or taste not quite right. I feel the emotions of others too strongly, their worries become my worries, and I can put myself in their shoes too vividly.

I find it hard to let things go, meaning things often fester away in my mind for far too long. I think very deeply and thoroughly, meaning it takes me longer to process information and reach conclusions. Or more often, it means I think too much about something, and end up down the wrong path, or trying to seek an answer that doesn't even exist.

 I have been known to take things extremely personally, and I can find criticism soul destroying, although over the years I've been teaching myself how to not take things to heart so much. I pick up the tiniest of cues off other people and instantly attach meaning to it, like they're an enigma, a code, that I'm trying to crack, and it immediately dictates how I act, what I say, what I do. 

I get overwhelmed easily, which can cause my body to accidentally slip into fight or flight mode, or what I now know to be a panic attack. As for switching off and relaxing, the moment I'm most relaxed is when I'm flat out in bed. But even then, I might randomly wake up at 3 in the morning because I heard someone open the bathroom door for a late night loo break. 

When you put all these features together, it doesn't make for the prettiest of pictures. Even now, writing them out, I know I'm not selling myself to you. I myself, am not pitching sensitivity as a positive trait, which saddens me in a way, because if I can't see the value in this dominant trait of mine, then how can I expect anyone else too?

I never even realised I viewed my sensitivity as a negative, an undesirable trait, until just last week. 

My mentor on placement, having listened to me talk about some of these features, asked me if I considered myself a highly sensitive person, a statement to which I agreed. She then went on to identify herself as a highly sensitive person, and told me how she has come to value these same qualities that I seem to devalue in myself. She spoke about how all these qualities, are actually a good thing. Something to be proud of, something to shout about.

And it made me realise that all this time, I have been viewing these qualities, my sensitivity, as things to apologise for, things to feel bad about, things to despise. And having thought about it, and after watching a few awesome TED Talks, I realised that the reason why I think and feel this way, is because until now, I haven't viewed my sensitivity as beneficial. Valuable. Important. Precious, even. 

I haven't yet recognised or exerted the worth in myself.

And I suppose that isn't surprising, given that the world places value and esteem on those who are not as sensitive, and makes it harder for sensitive people to prove their worth, make an impact, find their place. Not unless they toughen up and forego the very things that make them wonderful, worthwhile, important. Heck, I know this to be true because to get where I am today, I've had to develop a thicker skin, a protective shell, a steely determination, an alter-ego, almost. If I hadn't, I don't think I would be have been able to cope in this world. 

And now that I think about it, I don't think that's right. Necessary, yes, frustrating as that may be, but likewise, I don't think it should mean having to sacrifice and devalue myself and who I am in the process. I don't think I should be seen as any less, just because I'm a sensitive person.

So starting from today, I want to start embracing my sensitivity. Celebrating it. Being proud of it. Because, although it can be a right ball ache sometimes, there's also so many positives that come with being a sensitive person. And the more I start to recognise that, the more I can use this trait, and its accompanying qualities, to change the world around me. Make it a better place. 

And the more value I place on these traits, the more other people will start to value them, and the more I can help change people's attitudes towards sensitivity. 

But beyond all that, the main reason I felt so inspired to write this post, is for my fellow sensitive souls out there who feel to much, think too much, worry too much. If you're reading this, and you can identify with something I've written, I want you to know your sensitivity is something to be proud of. It's an incredible trait to possess. And you are all the better for it. 

But more so, the world around you is better for it too.