Embracing My Sensitivity

EMBRACING MY SENSITIVITY

All my life I've been a sensitive person. It's a characteristic I've always known I possess, and one that people have always recognised in me. "Don't be so sensitive" or "you're so sensitive" were phrases often directed my way growing up, and it's true, I was, and I still am, a very sensitive person.

And that's ok. Except, the thing is, maybe it's not. 

Over the years, it's been instilled in me that this spectacular trait of mine isn't a good thing. To be a sensitive person isn't desirable, nor is it beneficial. My sensitivity means I often get migraines because the light is too bright, a smell too strong, or taste not quite right. I feel the emotions of others too strongly, their worries become my worries, and I can put myself in their shoes too vividly.

I find it hard to let things go, meaning things often fester away in my mind for far too long. I think very deeply and thoroughly, meaning it takes me longer to process information and reach conclusions. Or more often, it means I think too much about something, and end up down the wrong path, or trying to seek an answer that doesn't even exist.

 I have been known to take things extremely personally, and I can find criticism soul destroying, although over the years I've been teaching myself how to not take things to heart so much. I pick up the tiniest of cues off other people and instantly attach meaning to it, like they're an enigma, a code, that I'm trying to crack, and it immediately dictates how I act, what I say, what I do. 

I get overwhelmed easily, which can cause my body to accidentally slip into fight or flight mode, or what I now know to be a panic attack. As for switching off and relaxing, the moment I'm most relaxed is when I'm flat out in bed. But even then, I might randomly wake up at 3 in the morning because I heard someone open the bathroom door for a late night loo break. 

When you put all these features together, it doesn't make for the prettiest of pictures. Even now, writing them out, I know I'm not selling myself to you. I myself, am not pitching sensitivity as a positive trait, which saddens me in a way, because if I can't see the value in this dominant trait of mine, then how can I expect anyone else too?

I never even realised I viewed my sensitivity as a negative, an undesirable trait, until just last week. 

My mentor on placement, having listened to me talk about some of these features, asked me if I considered myself a highly sensitive person, a statement to which I agreed. She then went on to identify herself as a highly sensitive person, and told me how she has come to value these same qualities that I seem to devalue in myself. She spoke about how all these qualities, are actually a good thing. Something to be proud of, something to shout about.

And it made me realise that all this time, I have been viewing these qualities, my sensitivity, as things to apologise for, things to feel bad about, things to despise. And having thought about it, and after watching a few awesome TED Talks, I realised that the reason why I think and feel this way, is because until now, I haven't viewed my sensitivity as beneficial. Valuable. Important. Precious, even. 

I haven't yet recognised or exerted the worth in myself.

And I suppose that isn't surprising, given that the world places value and esteem on those who are not as sensitive, and makes it harder for sensitive people to prove their worth, make an impact, find their place. Not unless they toughen up and forego the very things that make them wonderful, worthwhile, important. Heck, I know this to be true because to get where I am today, I've had to develop a thicker skin, a protective shell, a steely determination, an alter-ego, almost. If I hadn't, I don't think I would be have been able to cope in this world. 

And now that I think about it, I don't think that's right. Necessary, yes, frustrating as that may be, but likewise, I don't think it should mean having to sacrifice and devalue myself and who I am in the process. I don't think I should be seen as any less, just because I'm a sensitive person.

So starting from today, I want to start embracing my sensitivity. Celebrating it. Being proud of it. Because, although it can be a right ball ache sometimes, there's also so many positives that come with being a sensitive person. And the more I start to recognise that, the more I can use this trait, and its accompanying qualities, to change the world around me. Make it a better place. 

And the more value I place on these traits, the more other people will start to value them, and the more I can help change people's attitudes towards sensitivity. 

But beyond all that, the main reason I felt so inspired to write this post, is for my fellow sensitive souls out there who feel to much, think too much, worry too much. If you're reading this, and you can identify with something I've written, I want you to know your sensitivity is something to be proud of. It's an incredible trait to possess. And you are all the better for it. 

But more so, the world around you is better for it too.