Say Yes To Love

SAY YES TO LOVE

The other day, I was doing some pretty impressive procrastination, and one of my procrastination tasks happened to be reading through old blog posts (cos obviously knowing what you were thinking in October 2015 is a lot more important than revising for your last ever uni exam).

It was so strange reading through my old posts, even the ones I only wrote a year ago, because it made me realise how much I have changed since then, and more so, how much my life has changed. 

A couple of posts that really resonated with me, were the ones about love.

Up to April last year, I had never been in a relationship, let alone kissed a guy, and to put it bluntly, I was a) very picky and sure of the kind of person I was looking for, 2) sceptical that I would ever meet somebody, and 3) just very scared of love in general. 

And I guess I never really thought my situation would change.

 But last year, some weird transformation happened to me, and I a) met somebody who I really really liked, who b) was a guy I never would have imagined myself with, and 3) I stopped being afraid of love.

It was life changing, and in the best way imaginable.

 And I'm telling you this now, over a year into my first ever relationship, because I was watching the Royal Wedding on Saturday with my boyfriend, and to be honest, it made me feel very soppy and lovey dovey, and reminded me how amazing, healing, magical and special love is. It also made me feel so happy, relieved and proud, for finally allowing myself the opportunity to experience all these incredible milestones, feelings and daily happiness, with someone who I care for and love so very deeply. Someone who has changed my life irreversibly for the better.

Love isn't always easy, it's true.

Me and my boyfriend have argued plenty of times (mostly around food, for some reason) and pissed each other off plenty of times too. We don't always share the same opinions or interests, or ideas about how to cook a meal right. He has little quirks that annoy me, and many things about me annoy him too. 

And if we're not winding each other up, another thing that's difficult is when we have to go long distance. Until my relationship, I didn't realise how hard it is, and how much it can physically hurt, to be away from someone you love. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone that much!

But all of this, all of it, is so very worthwhile.

By saying yes to love, and pushing myself out my comfort zone, taking control of my own happiness, and letting myself follow this incredible new adventure, despite not knowing where it would lead me, I have experienced happiness like no other.

I've laughed so hard. Made soooo many memories (it's amazing how much you can do in a year). Ate some bloody fantastic food. Discovered Game of Thrones!!! Finally understood what it's like to love and be loved in return. Experienced the incredible healing power of bear hugs. Found the best dancing partner you could ever ask for. Found someone who I can share all aspects of my life with. Found someone who makes my future seem so much brighter and beautiful and happier.

And what's more, I've become a better version of myself too. 

I'm more thoughtful, more able to compromise. More resilient and more generous. More relaxed and more content. Braver. Positive. More trusting and open and appreciative. More likely to say yes... 

Being in a relationship, you learn, and have the opportunity to learn, every day. My boyfriend is such a character, a unique individual unlike any other. I find him so fascinating and inspiring, and I love being able to grow alongside and with him, and see how our relationship changes as a result. Somehow the clunks and the catches get ironed out, the insecurities and worries fade away, and everything seems to click better. And we appreciate and understand each other better too.

Sometimes, I still can't quite believe this is actually happening to me. That this is my reality. I count my lucky stars every day in gratitude. 

And granted, sharing all this soppiness with you might make you want to vom. 

But I really felt like I had a duty to, because just over a year ago, I didn't know what this kind of love felt like. I had never allowed myself to experience it. I didn't quite get the value of a relationship- for me it was all about celebrating, enjoying and embracing the single life (which I would also highly recommend). And to be quite honest, I had no bloody idea what I was doing. 

I stuck to the same thinking, the same routines, that I had always known, and I found it hard to step outside of those confines. I was comfortable there. But likewise, inside I was craving that companionship, that new change to learn and grow, that opportunity to love somebody else so fully and deeply. To prove to myself that I could love and be loved.

And saying yes to love, changed everything for me.

I have no idea what the future holds for us, what the constellation of us looks like, but one thing I have always known, from the very start of the magnificent adventure, is that I will treasure these memories, and this love, for the rest of my life. I will never regret saying yes, and allowing this next chapter of my life to happen. 

So my advice to you, whoever you might be reading this, is to say yes to love too, whenever it next comes knocking at your door. Say yes to that person, whoever they may be. Let yourself love with an open and honest heart. Be vulnerable. Be hopeful. Remind yourself you deserve to be happy, so so happy, and see where that road could lead you. You can do it.

And it just might be the best decision you ever make.

(Ok I've finished now- you can put down the sick bucket)

Saying Goodbye to Uni

SAYING GOODBYE TO UNI

Earlier this week, I had my last ever lectures. Next week is my final exam. I move out in a month, and in two months I should, hopefully, graduate. 

My university life, these blissful, wonderful, magical four years, are gradually coming to an end. 

I'd be lying to you if I said I was okay with all of this, because truth is, although I'm excited about what comes next, and what the future holds, I'm also pretty terrified. Even though my heart knows it's time to move on, heck, the idea of doing another lecture, another module, revising for days in the library... ugh, just no... leaving all of this behind isn't easy. Manchester, and university, have been my home and world for the last for years. My life is literally written and embedded into this city. 

And I don't want to say goodbye. 

People I love and care about very much, will still live here. The activities and places that have defined my life will continue to run, start again, carry on, whether I'm there or not. The world, the city, the university... they aren't going to stop. And I get that. But it's just hard to accept that after the next couple of months, there's not really going to be a place for me anymore, maybe not at all.

And along with trying to grapple for acceptance with all this, make my peace, process the fact that they'll be no more lectures, no more Korfball, no more avoiding council tax, no more living in my student home of three years, no more independence, no more seeing friends, housemates, my boyfriend whenever I want to... along with all this, I'm trying to figure out what my next step looks like. Listening to everyone's advice and opinions about what I should do, where I should be. Dealing with people's responses as I tell them I have no idea what happens next. 

It's exhausting. And scary. And sad.

I wish it wasn't happening to me, but it is, and I have to accept that.

Every year thousands upon thousands of people end up in my position and get through it somehow. I just wish I knew how they did it, or that I had a heads up, just to let me know things will be ok. They'll work out. Even though I know a couple of people graduating, they seem to have their lives sorted, and I feel like the only one without a plan. Or perhaps more accurately, I did have a plan, and I have potential plans, but it feels like I can't do what I really want to do because people say it's not the best idea, or because of factors beyond my control. And on top of all that, I have those old doubts which make me question if I'm really ready to graduate and be an independent, self-sufficient, kick-ass professional.

It's all just one big emotional pickle that can be hard to overcome and get to grips with on my own.

But recently, I've found a couple of things that are helping me.

The first, is remembering and being reminded that I'm not alone in all this. For starters, there's so many people in my position, but also, I've got a truly amazing support network of family and friends who always have my back, and who I know will support me whatever I do, lift me up whenever I need that boost. I just need to remember that they're there, and reach out a little more.

The second, is taking a deep breath and forgetting about what comes next. Instead, I'm choosing to really enjoy and celebrate these last few weeks. Say yes to things. Make plans. Spend time with people. End my uni days on a high. I'm giving myself time to rest, time to relax, time to say goodbye, and get in the right head space to focus on my future, so that I can make sure I'm in the best place I can possibly be to begin this next chapter.

The third, is taking back control of my future. So many people are giving me advice and sharing their opinions with me, which I really do appreciate. But I suppose I've got to the point where that's bogged me down a bit, and I lost touch with what I want and what I want to do. I keep forgetting that ultimately, it's my choice. It's my life. And I need to take ownership of it.

The fourth, is remembering that a year really isn't that long. It isn't forever. And looking at my immediate future in that way helps me to feel okay with whatever comes next. It makes me feel calmer and more in control.

The fifth, is trusting in my relationships with people I care about. I've made some amazing, phenomenal friends during uni, and somehow managed to find the most incredible boyfriend too, and part of me is scared of losing them all. But having spoken to people, and having been reminded of how important, special, and wonderful these people are, I trust and I know that everything is going to be ok, and I'm going to make sure that happens.

And the sixth, is pretty simple.

It's focusing on all the positives. All the good things that have happened, and all the amazing things that will happen, and feeling excited about what is yet to come.

The next big old magnificent, mysterious, wondrous adventure...