Looking After Myself

LOOKING AFTER MYSELF 

When I was in my teenage years, I always used to assume that by the time I reached my twenties, I would be a fully functioning, competent adult.

And I definitely thought I would've gotten the hang of one very important thing: looking after myself.

Therefore, one of the greatest surprises of turning 18, 19, 20, then 21, and 22 next year, is that these things don't just happen overnight. They aren't just a given. Who you are doesn't magically transform. The insecurities remain. The questionable personality traits remain. The beliefs, attitudes and values remain. The person inside remains. The child within you still pops up to say hello. Yet the context around you changes. And somehow, you have to find a way of fitting into this new world that is asking you to be someone you've not quite transformed into yet.

Adulting is hard. 

And one of the most difficult things I've encountered, is the looking after myself part. 

I'm a naturally anxious person, so that tends to rear its head on a daily basis. Then there's the love of cheese, wine, sticky toffee pudding, potato waffles etc. which makes the neurones in my brain go wild with excitement. My self esteem is eternally stuck on an endless roller coaster of ups and downs, so some days I feel like the best person in the whole entire world, and others I feel like I will never be good enough for anything or anyone. I can be sensitive. I can be impulsive (like that random Sunday afternoon where I bought a drum). I find it hard to chill out.

I wake up in the morning and gormlessly scroll through Instagram. My posture is stuck somewhere between a chimp and a sloth. I forget to check my bank account and make sure I have enough to pay my rent. I end up in A&E because I think the antibiotics are meant to make my infected finger become more swollen. I end up spending a weekend in Lancaster without money, ID, student card, bank cards, my Brownie Points loyalty card, because I was too preoccupied with buying my egg and sausage McMuffin and my purse got nicked. I keep drinking milk even though it makes my tummy funny every morning. I vary between being a stingy and excessive spender. I get too conscious about my dry skin. And worst of all, I still pick my spots.

Sure all these things make me me, and I know I'm not going to have nailed being an adult just yet, but the difficulty is, I am now responsible for all these things. These are all my choices. Nobody else's. And that means I am ultimately responsible for my own wellbeing, something I've always struggled with. And I'm not afraid to admit that that scares me.

But this year has been a good year, a very good year, because it has made me realise that, not only should I take looking after myself more seriously, I am also capable of doing that, and I get better at it with every passing day, month, year. I am listening to my body and being kinder to it. I am trying to help my mind be a health, happy, relaxed place. I eat relatively ok. I do exercise. I'm trying to get better a opening up, apologising for my mistakes, treating myself, taking a break, and putting things into perspective. I'm trying to fight my corner, be nice to myself, and trust that I can do anything and everything that I set my mind to. And even though I don't always get this adulting thing right, and some days I just love a good argument, a pity party, or the chance to unleash my inner child, when I look at my life as a whole, I don't think I'm doing too badly.

And as a new year dawns, and more milestones are ticked, changes are made, and new unknown awaits with many a story to tell, I want 2018 to be the year when I start looking after myself properly. Intertwine all those separate little strands together, so that I give myself the best chance of being happy, healthy, content, and ready to take on this great adventure with a spring in my step and sparkle in my eye. 2017, a little firecracker of a year, was all about the new, it was all about big changes, and it was all about the bigger picture. And I'm hoping 2018 will be about making the most of the present, and every single day that comes my way, championing myself, creating small but meaningful changes, and focusing on what matters most of all:

Happiness. Friendship. Love. Resilience. Health. Positivity. And not loosing my bloody purse in McDonalds. 

Happy New Year folks!