Trying To Be More Open

TRYING TO BE MORE OPEN

The other day, I realised that I am a bit of a coward when it comes to love. Whilst I have my reasons for why I haven't done things, and I know they are valid, deep down, I know that I am guilty of using these reasons to mask the fact that actually, I'm afraid. I'm scared. I'm clueless. And I would rather keep pretending and hiding and shying away, instead of doing something about it. I often think that by making the choices I have done, and not doing things because it's not the right time, person, etc., I am doing the right thing. And that makes me someone to be admired, because I'm sticking to what I want to do, and doing things my own way, so much so that I'm waiting for Destiny's Child to holla at me for being the independent woman they celebrate so much. Yet when it becomes apparent that the underlying reasons for my decisions have stronger origins in fear, instead of strength, confidence, and assuredness, I actually start to feel a bit like a fraud.

If it seems that someone might like me, it usually makes me feel a bit chuffed, but predominantly, it makes me feel uncomfortable, sometimes even irritable. It causes me to pull away. I become introverted and distanced. I start looking for flaws that will give me a reason to run. I get inexplicably annoyed at the person when they haven't even done anything wrong. And it's all just me finding reasons to justify the way I am telling myself to feel. 'He keeps standing next to me' equates to clingy. 'He keeps looking at me' equates to creepy. 'He's blushing when he talks to me' equates to overly-sensitive. Granted, sometimes these things really are the case, but most of the time, the way I react is unjustified, judgemental, silly and a little bit cruel, and I do it so automatically that it is only very recently that I even realised I do it. It makes me wonder how I appear to people, particularly when I'm trying so hard to disconnect my inner and outer beings, so as not to give away how I feel inside.

And if by chance I'm not feeling these feelings, then on the converse, I become paralysed by emotion, and I can't reach out to close the distance. I'm scared of what will follow if I do. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm scared of being impulsive and reckless, and hurting someone else as a result. I want to be sure before I do anything, but the problem is that I never am. There's always the 'what if' in the back of my mind. I'm scared of finding myself in a situation that I don't know how to get out of. I'm worried about what other people will say. And I think at the heart of the it all, I'm scared of letting someone else into my life, and I'm scared of letting them love me.

When I'm going out somewhere, and I try to make myself look nice, and I look in the mirror and feel beautiful, that all changes as soon as I step out the door. I immediately begin to feel self-conscious and self-depreciating, because I don't expect anyone to actually find me attractive, and if they do, I have no idea what to do with that. It surprises me that someone could feel that way, and again, I reject it because it scares me to think of that 'what if', and what could be. I can't seem to take that compliment at face value. I can't graciously accept it. And I definitely can't let it progress into something else.

I ask myself why all the time. Why do you put yourself on the sidelines? Why do you resist love and affection? Why do you reject it? Why are you so afraid? Why is it so hard for you to accept that someone could love you? Why is it so hard for you to let someone in? Why do you believe that love is only something that should happen to other people, and never to you? Why shouldn't it happen to you? It's no wonder I'm doing a scientific degree, what with all these incessant questions that I sometimes don't have the answers for. 

I always like to think I know what's right for me. My Mum said that by the age of 3, she knew I was a very stubborn and strong-minded little madam, and I don't think that's changed much over the years. Whilst that quality is beneficial for many reasons, it is also a very limiting quality to have too. It's also kind of scary when life starts sending curveballs my way, and I realise that actually, I might not know what's right for me. What I want, and think I need, is not so. When it comes to love, I'm insistent on finding someone who I can see myself building a future with. Someone who I can easily see in my life. Someone older. Someone wiser. Someone who brings into my life everything that I'm missing. Someone I trust completely and who I feel totally at ease with. Someone who will justify the wait. Someone who has that something special about them. 

When I read all that back, it makes me realise how many people I exclude without even giving them a chance. It makes me realise how unrealistic my expectations are, because no-one can be all of this for me, and to expect them to be all of this, is actually kind of selfish. I realise how this criteria makes it so easy for me to shut people out. And I realise all the other things that I am missing. All those other wonderful things that people could bring and do bring to my life, but I choose to overlook. All those amazing things that make them who they are, and makes them a valued, unique and awesome individual. It also makes me question why I want these things, and why I want that certainty, but I guess it's because like most things, I don't cope with the unknown very well.

One of the most important things I've learnt over the last few years, is that people surprise you. You just can't call who is right for you and who isn't. Who would make a good friend and who wouldn't. Who would be the best partner and who wouldn't. Who would you get on best with, and who would drive you up the wall. What I keep coming back to, is that it's often the people you least expect to forge a good relationship with, that always seem to be the ones with whom you have the very best relationships. Isn't that funny? It makes me wonder why I always seem to forget that, and how different my life could be if I didn't. What could my life be like, if I started letting people in, giving them a chance, and then seeing where we could go together? What if I stopped having expectations, and instead let people surprise me? What if I just let go, and let myself be carried along on the wonderful breeze of life, having faith that it would take me wherever I needed to go?

Far too often, I look at the people who are trying their best to let love into their lives, and I pity them for it. I strive to be the opposite. Independent. Self-sufficient. Distant. Guarded. And I think I'm doing the right thing. I think I'm doing something really good. Now, I realise that I have got it wrong. I am the one who should be pitied, because I am the one who can't let love into her life. I am the one who doesn't know how to love another person. I am the one who doesn't know what it's like to be loved. So truthfully, I think I envy those people I try to distance myself from, and I try to be the opposite of them because I'm scared to be like them. In fact, I greatly admire their ability to open their arms to love, embrace it, and let it into their lives. I would like to be more like that.

And it's strange, because usually, by the end of these long, rambling posts, I seem to talk myself into an answer. Usually, I would know how to be that person. I would know what to do next. Yet instead, I find myself with no answers, and a better understanding of myself and why I do the things I do. Even though I'm not sure how to start putting things right, being aware of your faults is one of the first steps in making change happen, right? And funnily enough, I feel better already. I feel like I've accepted my faults, and that now is the right time to finally do something about them. I can't pinpoint my destination for certain, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get there either, but I do feel like I'm heading in the right direction. And I think that's a pretty good place to start.