Dear 15 Year Old Me

DEAR 15 YEAR OLD ME

Hey there, 15 year old Tasha. It's 20 year old Tasha here, just popping by to say hello, even though the logistics of time and space mean you are highly unlikely to see this (unless you exist in some distant parallel universe, in which case wow, excuse me whilst I try to stick the pieces of my exploded head back together). I thought I'd write because recently I've read some really brilliant 'letters to my younger self', e.g the lovely and very talented Anne, or the wonderful Victoria Beckham. And also because you're never too far from my mind, 15 year old me, even now, and there's a few things I'd like to hypothetically tell you, if that's alright, because I think you might like to know how things turn out. 

I'm writing to you in particular, 15 year old Tasha, because I know that you are in a bit of a rut, and in your opinion things aren't going too great. You've recently had the important realisation that styling yourself on Selena Gomez in Wizards of Waverly Place just isn't going to work, and that buying bootcut jeans from ASDA is perhaps not the wisest decision either. And that maybe it's time to see what other music exists beyond Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift and The Killers 'Day and Age'. Even though you've had your braces off for a year, and your fashion sense has marginally improved, you still don't really feel comfortable in your own skin, and I'll admit that yes there's still a few more iffy haircuts and outfit decisions to go. There's a while to go till you look in the mirror and really like what you see. But you're on your way my friend. Things are looking up, even if you don't quite see it right now.

I know you fancy yourself as the next Taylor Swift, and I have to say, I do admire your persistence with the songwriting, but I think we both know it isn't really going to happen. But that's not to say that you won't keep up the guitar playing, because as time goes on you'll come to realise how cathartic it is, and you'll be so buzzing when you finally own a capo. Heck, you'll even buy a drum spontaneously after listening to 'The Sound' by this pretty cool band called The 1975. And you'll sing all the time at home, because it helps you to relax, but unfortunately you still haven't nailed 'And I Am Telling You' from Dream Girls. But it's cool. You'll just stick to fangirling (yes, that's a real word, as is 'selfie' and 'lit'), over Jennifer Hudson's insane vocal talents instead.

Going back to the rut you've found yourself in, I'm afraid you'll find yourself stuck there for another year or so. And I'm also sorry to tell you that it will get worse too. You're soon going to find yourself falling to a not-so-great place that you've so far only seen on Spongebob Squarepants: rock bottom. And you won't really know why it happens. And you won't realise when it happens either. It just happens gradually over time, and the ball has already begun rolling. You've probably already noticed it happening. The mood swings. The irritability. The loss of perspective. That horrible low feeling that seems to come on out of nowhere. The negative thoughts. The way you sometimes don't feel strong enough to face your own life. And because you can't figure out why these things are happening, you can't figure out how to stop it from happening. And that's really shit, because you don't know if and when and how things will get better. All I can tell you, from five years down the line, is that they do. 

In time you will start to find those reasons why, and there will be a fair few contributing factors, and in time you will start to piece them all together and realise what you need to do to stop this happening again. But I won't tell you now, because I think it's important that you learn them for yourself, but I will tell you that this experience will make you stronger, and wiser, and better. And when you leave school, things will start to change for you. Things will look up. Your last year of school is not without it's difficult moments, but you get your first set of GCSE results, and you will be so happy and proud of yourself. You work hard at all your other subjects, and again, 15 year old Tasha, you won't believe this now, and you still won't believe it 5 years later, but you are actually one smart cookie when you want to be. This is the year that you start to realise you're so much more than that girl who's good at art. This is the year you discover you've actually been a science and language nerd all this time. And that changes everything for you, because suddenly your future becomes something bigger. Suddenly, anything seems possible.

You'll do a photography course at school, and discover Dad's old film camera, and you will love the freedom that comes from having a camera in your hand. It's liberating, being able to highlight the beauty in the world for others to enjoy, and it will start to make you appreciate the little things in life, a realisation that will set you up well for the rest of your life. And next year, you'll discover this thing called Instagram, and if you thought you were addicted to taking photos now, just wait 15 year old Tasha. A mild obsession is on its way. During your last year of school, you will make some friendships that are really important, mostly for the hope and comfort they give you. They will be healing and fulfilling, and they will help you to find yourself, and help you to be yourself too. And that growing strength and independence inside you is soon going to lead you on an amazing path of self-discovery. Just you wait and see.

I know that at 15, you don't really know what your life will be like, or who you want to be, and because of your striking ability to over-think, a trait you are yet to realise you have, you will get a bit stressy about these things. And as your interests grow, and you discover more skills that you never knew you had, picking one path, when there are so many you'd like to go down, is something that will cause you additional stress. You have some important decisions to make, and it will take until you're almost 20, to finally feel like you made the right one. But let me just tell you, some higher power is going to be very insistent that you end up in this magical place called Manchester, a mystical place you've so far only heard of in Take That's Beautiful World album. And the degree you end up doing (yes, you make it to uni in the end) is something you won't even realise exists until you're 17. But when Mum mentions it to you one day (you know how she likes to excessively Google everything on our behalf), and what it involves,you'll experience that light bulb moment that only cartoons ever seem to experience. Just without the actual lightbulb.

Uni seems like a long way away right now, but it will come one day, and honestly 15 year old Tasha, it will be one of the best things that ever happens to you. It changes everything. You even join a sports team- yes, you- and of course you're shit (at the time of writing, you still haven't scored in a match after 1 and a half years) but it doesn't even matter, because you'll have the best time. And right now, I know you think uni students are smug, arrogant, pompous, stupid, annoying people whose small talk only consists of what degree are you doing and where do you study. And you don't know if you can be bothered to do a degree, or if instead you're going to do something hands on and creative. But you'll figure it out, and when you do experience it all for yourself, you'll become one of those very people. Gladly, in fact. And it seems scary to think of uni right now, but by the time you finish college (yes, that happens too), you'll be ready. I promise.

And as for your love life, well 15 year old Tasha, that's a tricky one. I don't think you'll be surprised to learn that 5 years down the line, things haven't changed much, or at least superficially. I know you'll be a little disheartened to know that what you're looking for at 15, still eludes you at 20 too. But before you run away and do a Taylor Swift with your ASDA notebook and electric guitar, let me just explain. Although it looks like nothing changes between 15 and 20, under the surface, it really does. You will not feel or think or act the same way. Yes some annoying things persist, like your difficulty with letting someone love you, and opening up and making yourself vulnerable. But 15 year old Tasha, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the things you manage to achieve in the next five years.

Your 17th birthday is an important day, and that A Level subject you consider dropping- don't. Something is going to happen. And at some point in the future, you're going to make a right hash of things, and it involves Draco Malfoy riding an alpaca. But make all those mistakes, because regardless of what happens, you will reap the rewards for the rest of your life. You're also going to learn more about what love means to you, and importantly, how to love yourself, even when you're being a mardy little poo. You're going to recognise the blessings of independence and solitude. You're going to actually give someone your number, but be nice to the guy when this moment comes.. Karma is real my friend. Someone will ask you out for a drink, and on the date you'll lose your voice, but revel in the awkwardness my dear. And even more barmy, you actually ask someone out for drinks, admittedly after having too much to drink and indulging in a late night cheese toastie (some things don't change girl). And when they say no, I promise you it isn't the end of the world, and you'll soon realise that all isn't as it seems.

There's so many things I want to tell you, 15 year old Tasha. If I could actually go back in time, I would do it in a heartbeat, purely so that I could give you a hug and tell you that everything really is going to be okay. I know what you're like. I know what we're like. Some aspects of us will probably never change, and at 20 you will start to accept that whilst these things make us who we are, we don't have to let them define or limit us. But my god Tash, I wish I could show you what the future has in store, and all the amazing, incredible, fulfilling, beautiful things you're going to discover and experience. If your life right now is a banana, hold it in your right hand and that upwards trajectory is a visual metaphor for the trajectory your life. You are moving onto bigger and better things my girl. And yes, you will still be eating one banana a day, and you're also going to develop a taste for red wine too. How exciting!

So I guess I'll be off now, 15 year old Tasha. It was nice to pretend to talk to you, and last but not least, I love you, ya big noob. Keep smiling (and keep wearing those retainers too- the dentist wasn't lying when he said your teeth will move out of place again).

xoxo