Life Right Now

LIFE RIGHT NOW

The idea for this post came to me the other day, when I was thinking about the things I've been enjoying recently, and the things that are currently defining my life, as it is right now. I've been so excited to write it, and I've been adding little things to it day by day. I guess you could say it's an important post for me. It's a post I needed to write, if only for myself. 

I'm one of those people who either hankers for the past or eagerly has their head stuck in the future. It can be hard to find the happy medium, and it can be incredibly hard to take a step back from it all and just enjoy the present. If I'm not hypothesising about the future then I'm dwelling upon past events. If I'm not freaking out about that video exam in January or where I'm going to live after I graduate, then I'm missing that guy I used to know, wishing I could relive year seven again, reminiscing about Copenhagen, reliving times in my past where I wasn't as happy. And I know it's unnecessary, and I know it's silly, because both these concepts are way out of my reach and out of my control. I can't go back to the past. I can't do anything about the future. All I have, every single time that I open my eyes in the morning, is a new day ahead of me. I have today. That is it. No yesterday. No tomorrow. No ten years ago. No ten years in the future. 

To be constantly living in a time that isn't the right here and now, is exhausting. It completely warps your perspective on the present, and what's right there in front of you. It colours your perspective. It blindsides your vision. It leads to unnecessary emotional baggage. It confuses you. It makes you forget to appreciate and value the present. Appreciate that you woke up in the morning. That your heart is beating. That you're safe and well. That the sun is shining. That you didn't spill milk or toothpaste down you. That you have a life to lead. That you are you. That you're even here on this Earth to begin with. When we're walking through a pretty wood, and we need to take lots of photos of it for Instagram, instead of simply enjoying the beauty of the sight before us. When we're sitting in a lesson, being taught all this exciting new information, but we can't concentrate because we need to check our emails, check our inbox, check our Snapchat. When we're with our family, laughing and talking and singing, but we're also on the phone making plans for tomorrow, or flicking through our Instagram, Twitter, Facebook feed, and feeling inexplicably compelled to take an unnatural and sudden interest in the lives of other people. It just makes me feel so sad that this is what modern life has become, and none of us even realised it until it was too late.

Sometimes I don't know if it's just me being me, or whether we're somewhat conditioned into living our lives this way. If I could remove certain factors from my life, would I be happier? Would I live in the present? Would I think and process differently? Would I feel more confident and content? Would my mind finally learn how to be peaceful and quiet and relaxed? I don't even know. But the older I get, the more tempted I get to change the way I live my life. Change it for the better. I sometimes feel like my wellbeing depends on it. Especially as some of my experiences this summer have opened my eyes to the other ways I can live my life. Reminded me of what is really important. Helped me regain a focus and perspective I didn't even realise I'd lost. Truth be told, it's been quite a liberating and refreshing experience. And so, whilst I use my last few weeks of freedom to really think about these things, and I make a conscious effort to really make sure I'm living in the here and now, I thought I'd make a start by compiling a list that summarises my life as it is right now. What I'm thinking. What I'm enjoying. What I'm doing. What means a lot to me. In some ways, it's part snapshot of my life as it currently stands on its continuum, and in other ways, it's a note to self, and a reminder that although I might be feeling a little lost right now, I have everything I need to find my way back.

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LIFE IS...

001. Bingewatching Gilmore Girls on Netflix
002. THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE OFF. NEED I SAY MORE
003. Patti Smith & her amazing bible of a book Just Kids, both of which have changed my life for the better
004. Stevie Nicks (how gorgeous is her voice when she sings Gypsy?)
005. Festivalling (my recent stint was at the fab Just So)
006. Volunteering at the Stroke Association
007. Shortbread biscuits (still)
008. Still loving camping, even when slugs try and join the partaay
009. Spending quality time with my family
010. Enjoying the bursts of sunshine and warmth
011. Drinking rosé in the garden in the rain
012. Living out of a suitcase
013. Making new, lovely, fabulous friends from all walks of life
014. Wearing flower crowns a la Lana del Rey
015. TRYING TO SOLVE PRETTY LITTLE LIARS AND DEAL WITH THE FEELS
016. Fangirling over Tavi Gevinson again in this Teen Vogue vid
017. Still trying to comprehend how my lil sis is moving to London in the next couple of weeks
018. Rediscovering the joy that is swimming in a swimming pool
019. Developing a taste for red wine (v.fancy eh)
020. Unintentionally playing outfit snap with my Nana
021. Thinking about my childhood, in particular around 2006, when I was age 10
022. Finding lots of new gems to put on the old ipod, especially those I used to love as a child but never knew the names of
023. Growing out my fringe and my hair in general, and trying to decide how to style it next
024. Old school Kanye (hello The College Dropout)
025. Swooning over all the gorgeous tulle and pleated skirts in Zara right now
026. Digging all the new swanky eateries in Derbados (eg. The Carnero Lounge or MEXIco)
027. Feeling very very proud to be British and very lucky to be living in this gorgeous, bonkers country
028. Thinking about and drawing possible tattoo designs
029. Lots of train rides
030. Feeling super excited for Freshers and excited about doing Korfball again (and finally mastering how to score goals)
031. Wondering what the future will be like and thinking about what I want from life and how I want to change the world
032. Talking Spanish with my Nana
033. Catching up with dear friends I haven't seen in a while
034. Getting my arm humped by a dog, oh the joys
035. Acquiring even more freckles on my face
036. Making mental lists about all the places I still want to visit in the UK
037. Practising being calm, happy, and keeping my perspective on life and what's most important
038. 60% freaking out about 3rd year, 40% excited to learn more new things and to actually prove myself
039. Inexplicably feeling like I'm on the right track
040. Laughing lots and lots and lots
041. Enjoying the simple pleasures in life
042. Trying to channel the brilliant Danish concept of hygge into my life
043. Embracing what appears to be a pull to the savoury side of life. So long, farewell troublesome sweet tooth of mine.
044. Learning to put my bloody phone down and stop going on bloody social media, or at least be responsible when using it
045. Giant hot chocolate with a mountain of whipped cream and a waterfall of marshmallows
046. Sitting on a bench by the sea and admiring the beautiful simplicity of the view
047. Appreciating my body and all the incredible things it does (this book, recommended to me by my Grandad and which we now both own, is just fabulous)
048. Remembering that what will be will be
049. Trying to find the time to watch Richard Linklater's Before Sunrise movie trilogy, after not managing to do so for the last four years
050. Reading up about Buddhism
051. Singing and dancing to happy music
052. Starting my new notebook
053. Branflakes. They're actually amazing.

August Music

AUGUST  MUSIC

Hello dear readers, I hope you're all well and enjoying this glorious summer weather as much as I am. I've even got my toes out, it's that nice today, so summer must really be well and truly in the air. I can't quite believe that August is already almost over. It feels like I haven't properly appreciated it, and secretly I'm kind of hoping that this rewind button will pop up from out of nowhere, so that I can go do a Coldplay a la The Scientist and take it back to the start. I've been waiting for this summer for so long. I can't even begin to count the amount of times I was at uni, slogging my way through an assignment, revising laboriously for an exam, trying not to fall asleep in lectures, doing my food shopping at Lidl, getting soaked in that good old Mancunian rain, bleaching the toilets, hoovering my room, trying to resist laying idly by and doing absolute nothing, and all this time just wishing so badly that it was summer already. I don't think I've ever anticipated a summer as much as I did this one.

And honestly, it's been a right corker of a summer. I've loved every single minute of it, and I'm so happy and proud and satisfied with all the things I've managed to squeeze in and accomplish. It feels like I've done so much, seen so much, (ate so much), met up with lots of people, spent time doing things I love and make me happy, visiting new places, trying new things, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, doing things to help other people. So much has changed in such a short space of time. Last summer, great as it was (I'm still dreaming about Copenhagen), I felt a bit like I was stuck in a rut, a little bit lost, and my heart wasn't always in it. This summer, however... well I guess you could say it's felt like my summer. Everything I've done, I've done it for me, nobody else. A gift from me to me. I've been trying to make my soul and heart happy, in whatever form that may take, and it's really been absolutely amazing. I know that I will always remember this special summer, for as long as I live. It will be a bit like Bryan Adams' Summer of '69, except that it will be Summer of '16, and though it may not be quite as catchy, it has still been just as good. If not better. Sorry Bryan.

So to celebrate this funky, glorious, happy summer, I've thrown together a playlist of all the songs that have caught my attention lately. All the ones that have been scribbled down in my notebook to look up at a future date, as well as a few I've found through actively scouring le internet, in search of gems to bulk up my already burgeoning iTunes library. Admittedly, most of them are golden oldies because as I so often find, there's just so much good music already out there, and when you stumble across some of those timeless wonders it's impossible not to rave and swoon and want to show the world how dazzling they are. They deserve just as much appreciation as those equally fabulous new tunes and artists, making the music industry just as exciting now, as it was back then. So the random mix I have for you today includes Dionne Warwick, Sister Sledge, Amy Winehouse, Otis Redding and Etta James, bringing in that motown and soul. There's the Ramones and Ram Jam adding that rock and roll electricity. DNCE, Nelly, Boyzone, The Doobie Brothers, for that feelgood factor. Old school Kanye and Fleetwood Mac, a hint of Latino from the Orishas, and exciting new beauties from Izzy Bizu and Billie Marten. 

It's such a mash up, and all the songs are just top notch masterpieces in their own right. They also make me want to relive summer all over again too, but I guess they'll just have to get us dancing, boogieing and singing into September instead. So with that, make a brew, nab some hob nobs, take a listen and see what takes your fancy.

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*TUNES FOR DAYS*

THEN CAME YOU

DIONNE WARWICK & THE SPINNERS

LISTEN TO THE MUSIC

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS

GYSPY

FLEETWOOD MAC

IT'S MY PARTY

AMY WINEHOUSE

MAYBE IT'S A GOOD THING

KT TUNSTALL

MR PITIFUL

OTIS REDDING

A LO CUBANO

ORISHAS

GALADRIEL

BARCLAY JAMES HARVEST

ROCKAWAY BEACH

RAMONES

MAIN STREET

BOB SEGER

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH

BOYZONE

LITTLE BIT OF LOVE

JACK JOHNSON & JOHN CRUZ

THINKING OF YOU

SISTER SLEDGE

HEY HEY WE'RE THE MONKEES

THE MONKEES

BLACK BETTY

RAM JAM

TWO PRINCES

SPIN DOCTORS

CITY LIGHTS

THE WHITE STRIPES

STORMY WEATHER

ETTA JAMES

A SUNDAY KIND OF LOVE

ETTA JAMES

WE DON'T CARE

KANYE WEST

(listen here)

AUSTRALIA

THE SHINS

PINK AND WHITE

FRANK OCEAN

LES FLEUR

4HERO

TOOTHBRUSH

DNCE

WHITE TIGER

IZZY BIZU

MILLIONAIRE

CASH CASH & DIGITAL FARM ANIMALS FT NELLY

LIONHEARTED

BILLIE MARTEN

FRIENDS

FRANCIS & THE LIGHTS FT BON IVER & KANYE WEST

(listen here)

More Than That

MORE THAN THAT

The other night I got a taxi to the local station, having finished a week spent volunteering at a festival.  I had packed all my things, said goodbyes to all these lovely, lovely people I'd been lucky enough to meet, I was feeling pretty content and at one with the world, and I was looking forward to going home and seeing my family again. The only little niggle playing on my mind, was making sure that I got the taxi to the station in time for me to catch my train. I didn't anticipate anything else to be worried or stressed over. What could possibly go wrong? Over the last five years I have caught numerous taxis without any hassle or bother, and in more recent years I have taken to talking to taxi drivers whilst on the journey, as I consider it to be a polite, friendly and generally nice thing to do. And usually everything is absolutely fine, and it quite often makes the journey more enjoyable for both parties, so you know, nothing wrong with that.

However the other night when I got picked up, as soon as my taxi arrived and I went over to talk to the driver, I could sense something was a little amiss. As I said, normally I have no issue whatsoever with taxi drivers, and I've never had a problem with them, which is why I think I picked up on this particular taxi driver so quickly. Something about the way the way he was looking at me and replying to my questions made me feel a bit uncomfortable, especially as he was easily old enough to be my father. This guy lingered too long, paused for too long. Something just seemed unclear about him. It felt like both of us were approaching this taxi journey from two very different angles: me as a paying customer wanting to get from A to B, him with what felt like some kind of ulterior motive. But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. So I got in the car, made polite conversation, and away we drove as people waved me off. 

However on the way out of the festival site, we got stuck behind a car that was having problems. Initially that was fine. The taxi driver asked me questions about what I'd been doing at the festival, I asked him about how long into his shift he was. Again, that was totally fine. But I quickly began to notice how he was relaxing against his window and looking over at me with this weird look in his eye. There was something a bit off about the smile, and his whole body language in general. I started to feel uncomfortable in his presence and it was only a couple of minutes into the journey too. After a pause, he asked me how old I was, so I told him reluctantly and I could sense him looking me over with that weird smile, and I didn't like it one bit. I knew this wasn't normal.

Something about the whole situation made my survival instinct quickly kick in. I tried to keep calm and logical whilst my heart was hammering in my chest, my brain was formulating all these questions like a checklist: where's my phone, where's the door handle, is the door locked, how long to the train station, what would Mum say, who could I call, what should I do in case, is this taxi being monitored. What do I do, what do I do? Eventually we got moving again, and I felt it was important that I stay calm and rational. I could just about remember the route from the campsite to the train station, so I kept my eyes peeled on every single turn, just to be safe. For a couple of minutes I relaxed a bit, and stuck to asking carefully selected, neutral questions about boring but safe topics. After a while we stopped talking, but I began to worry about what he might ask next. I don't know why, but I suddenly thought; what if he tried to approach the topic of boyfriends, and literally seconds after, there came the question, and I felt myself freeze in my seat. 

Often when people ask you a question like that, you can tell by a whole host of signs like body language and tone, what they mean by it, and often you sense no hidden meaning. Just natural curiosity. But when a middle aged taxi driver who makes you feel uncomfortable just by looking at you, asks you that question, you know that things really aren't okay. So I considered my response at lightning speed, sensing that I had to be very careful about what I said. Do I lie, do I tell the truth, do I tell him it's none of his business. I didn't want to aggravate the situation or put myself in danger. I just wanted to say as little as possible, keep things as neutral as possible, and make sure I safely made it to the station. So I told the guy curtly I didn't, all the while expecting my tone to give him the hint that I really didn't want to talk about my love life with him. 

And if he'd stopped there, then that would have been just about bearable. But the taxi driver began questioning why an attractive girl like me didn't have a boyfriend, asking if I got up to any fun with guys whilst I was at uni, pushing me to justify why I felt like I didn't need a man, before going on to imply that I was boring and no fun and not living my life properly because I didn't have a boyfriend or go around sleeping with people for fun. By that point I felt really uneasy, as was part of me questioning why I was here justifying my personal life choices to my rather sleazy taxi driver, and essentially being called a prude. I didn't know where he was going with it, and I didn't even want to think about it. All I wanted was to get out the car, but I knew we were very near the station, so I tried to stay calm and keep the situation as neutral as possible. I replied curtly, firmly and vaguely, all the whilst preparing myself to react if anything more happened. 

After that particular bout of questions, the manner of the driver changed. He became sullen, quiet, mardy. I knew that I hadn't replied how he was hoping I would, but it was a relief to know that my answers had been enough to put a stop to it all. When we finally got to the station, I paid the him, thanked him for the lift, and wished him a good night. Obviously that didn't quite reflect how I was feeling inside, but at the same time, to me it felt like an act of defiance, an act of strength, an act of humanity. Something to counteract the negative energy of the situation. Something, just something, to perhaps prick his conscience. In spite of everything, I wanted to be the better person. 

After the taxi had pulled away, I felt so on edge and I guess a bit stunned, shocked, and scared too. My heart wouldn't stop racing, my body felt tense and uneasy. I tried to keep my distance from any man I could see. I don't know why, but all I wanted to do was call up in a ball and cry. I didn't know how to process what had happened. I didn't know what to think, feel, do. I knew I was safe. I knew that in theory nothing had happened. I knew that I had made it to the station. I knew that all I had to do was get on the train and then I'd be home. I knew all these rational, logical things, but it didn't make me feel any better. I needed a hug. Someone to tell me it was all ok. The only thing I could think to do was call my sister and tell her what had happened, partly for the comfort and reassurance of a familiar voice, partly for verification that I hadn't overreacted to the whole situation. I didn't dare call my Mum.

On the train home, I started thinking again about what had happened, once again attempting to process it all and decide what to do next. The whole situation was wrong on so many levels, and I hated how vulnerable and scared and trapped I had felt. I hated how all I had wanted was a lift to the station, not an interrogation of my love life and being forced to reject the inappropriate attention from my taxi driver. I hated how I hadn't given that man a piece of my mind. I hated how I hadn't known what to do. I hated how he thought it was ok to do that in the first place. I hated how outdated and sexist his views were, are. I hated how he made the idea of being a happily independent young woman, something I am very proud to be, seem like a bad thing. I hated thinking that he might do all that to another girl. I hated that I had been subjected to it, simply because by the sheer chances of fate my chromosomes are an XX, not an XY. I have boobs. I have curves. I have a vagina. I have a higher pitched voice. I have feminine features. And even when my hair was a greasy mess and my boots were caked with mud and I was covered from top to toe, this middle aged man still thought he'd give it a go, despite it being completely inappropriate for so many reasons. I was pretty sure that if I had been a 20 year old guy, that taxi drive would have been completely different.

Part of my stress came from wondering if I had just overreacted to the situation, and it got me thinking about how when it comes to being a woman, you really can't win either way. Whatever you do, think, feel, you're going to get a label for it. It gets hard to differentiate how you feel, and how society dictates that you should feel. Am I wrong to have felt afraid? Am I wrong to have reacted so acutely? Am I wrong to have considered this guy's behaviour to be offensive and inappropriate? I know some men I know would say yes to that question. And heck, as a human being irrespective of gender dictations, am I even allowed to feel the way I do? It's all so confusing, and being a woman is still as much of a pain in the arse as it's ever been. 

You can't help but wonder why there's even room for sexism in this modern age. You can't help but wonder about how women are still presented and addressed within society. We're continually being goaded and pushed into an inferior status and position from so many different angles, whether that be consciously or unconsciously, even though we demonstrate our equality, and dare I say it, our superiority, time and time again. Even though we are proving time and time again how strong, intelligent, amazing, fierce, compassionate, skilled we are as a gender. Although being a woman can still be tough, in ways that many men just cannot understand, I still feel so incredibly proud to be one. I refuse to allow my gender to define who I am as a human being. I refuse to be limited by it. I refuse to feel inferior because of it. Why should I? Why should you? 

A while later on the train home, I began thinking about the whole idea of refusal, and how even though it didn't feel like it in the moment, I had a choice. I have a choice. I always have a choice. I get to choose how I respond and process things. I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to be the weaker one. I realised that I could refuse to acknowledge myself as vulnerable or weak, because in reality, I am more than that. Way more than that. I had been clever, I had been strong, I had looked after myself and ensured my safety. I handled the situation calmly and maturely and sensibly, even though I felt the complete opposite on the inside. And thinking about it like that helped me to feel a lot better about everything. I then started thinking about how that taxi driver had no idea how his actions had made me feel. No idea about the repercussions. No idea about how outdated his views towards women are. No idea whatsover. And how wrong that actually was, is.

In those fifteen minutes, that taxi driver wanted to feel superior to me. He saw me objectively. He saw me as my gender, and consequently considered me vulnerable because of it. He didn't see me as a fellow human being. He didn't even consider that there was more to me than merely my appearance. He didn't know that I'm at a top university, half way through a degree and coming out with firsts too. That I know so much information about a wide range of different topics, as do I have opinions, feelings, perspectives, and I could easily have intelligent conversations and debates and hold my own. That I run my own online art store, write a blog, did a radio show, play for a sports team. That I regularly volunteer with stroke survivors, that I volunteered at a camp for disadvantaged kids, that I peer mentor, that I helped raise over £10,000 for charity. That I can paint and draw and write and drive and play the guitar. That myself and a whole host of other amazing women just spent a week heavy lifting and putting together and taking down a festival. That I try to be a good person and see the positives in every situation, every person. That one day I hope to change my corner of the world in some kind of way. That I want to pioneer, advance things, make a difference. He didn't know. He just didn't know. But I did. I knew, I know, that I am more than what he saw me as. And if I know, well then that's all the power I need right there.

Sometimes being a woman feels a bit like being a tiger that has long since outgrown and broken out of its cage and confinement, yet people still try to force you back into it all the same. They don't realise that you're already free, and sometimes you forget it too. They don't realise that it's impossible to go back to what used to be. They can try and force you into that position all they like, but guess what? It's just not going to work. It can't work. It's not happening. End of story. Us women, we're smarter than we realise, stronger than we realise, more kick ass than we realise. We are so. much. more. than the dictations of our bodies, the weights that try to drag us down, the labels we're latched with, the outdated views we're plagued by. I'm more than that. You're more than that. We're more than that. We're not a star in somebody else's universe. We're the bloody universe itself. We stand right there beside our male counterparts, and we do one heck of a marvellous job at holding our own. And the older I get, the more I realise how foolish I am for allowing myself to be tricked into feeling weak, when in fact I have that glorious, gorgeous, intelligent, burgeoning, kick ass, female strength within me all along. And as The Smiths would say, it's a light that never goes out.

Still Trying To Figure It All Out

STILL TRYING TO FIGURE IT ALL OUT

The other day I met up with my darling friends for pudding (u know how we do it down 'ere in Derbados), and at some point we somehow ended up talking about that elusive notion of what comes next once university is finished, and we transition into actual proper grown ups living actual proper grown up lives. For me, all this talk is strictly no go area. It's bury your head in the sand, drown it out with Beyonce, do a Forrest Gump and run across all the US continents kind of stuff. To be quite honest, it freaks me out a bit, and I thought that everyone else felt the same way too. Turns out that this isn't always the case. 

I didn't even realise, but so many of my friends are so on it with life that it actually kind of blows my mind. They're absolutely killing it. Even today I met up with some of my uni friends, and guess what, they're on the so on it bandwagon too, and once again it made me realise just how. many. people. around me actually have their shite together. And how I most definitely do not. These people are everywhere, and I can't help but be in awe of them for figuring out all the grown up, adult fandango that always seems to elude me. I don't think these people realise how amazing they actually are. Long term relationships. Starting families. Taking out mortgages. Doing proper jobs. Earning proper dollar. Owning cars. Marriage. Engagements. Buying houses. Saving to buy houses. Five year plans. Career goals. Settling down. All these grown up, scary things, they've got it sorted. They know what they're doing and where they're going, and the future doesn't seem to scare them because they at least have some idea of what to expect.

Sometimes I really do think I'm doing pretty alright in life. I'm not doing too bad a job. You know me, ambling along nicely, and yes it's true, I have been known to do that sassy gal walk down the street, during one of those rare moments where everything in life seems to come together, and you're all like beep beep, honk honk, watch out world, gal killin' it at lyf coming thru. Sure I know how that feels. Don't we all. But lets be honest now, do I really have my shite together? Am I really, truly owning it? Do I even really deserve to be called an adult? Erm.... let me get back to you on that m8. There's a reason why Bridget Jones is my homegal you know. 

Whilst everyone else seems to have got it all mapped out, and they have that gorgeous assurance and trust in the future, I don't even feel like I'm scratching the surface. I only know what to expect from life, up until summer 2018. After that it's anybody's guess. I have absolutely no clue, and to be honest I don't realllyyy see that changing in the immediate future either. For the last sixteen years of my life, education has been the driver of my life. That's what sets the markers and paths and determiners. So in a couple of years time, when I finally, hopefully, finish my long term affinity and dedication to education and get that snazzy degree, that's it. Hello real world. Let's be having ya.

I used to feel in control of my future, and fairly certain about what I wanted and expected. But as I've gotten older, and I've lived a bit, gained more experiences, had a taste of what's actually out there, I've come to realise that nothing is quite as it seems. Nothing quite goes as planned. And when it all comes down to it, your whole life is essentially at the mercy of chance and fate. The  things you expect to happen don't. Something else happens instead. You believe everything will go hunky dory, then lo and behold, something goes completely and utterly tits up. The road you always thought you'd travel down, well it turns out you get in a bit of a gander and you end up taking a completely different one instead. The milestones you thought you'd tick off like a nice little checklist don't occur in a neat and tidy chronological order without any fuss or bother. 

Life is this big old hunky melting pot of unpredictability, possibility, wonder, tough shite, karma and everything else in between, and at the age of 20, I'm so acutely aware of the fact that I can only predict and plan my life up to a certain extent. Life will inevitably get in the way. And I guess that I've come to accept that, perhaps prematurely, and therefore I wholeheartedly trust that what will be will be. Whether I end up where I somewhat expected to, or I end up somewhere else entirely. I'm okay with that. I don't have my designs on life. In the short term yes, I can formulate plans and give life a nudge in the direction I want it to, and yes I am trying to live my life how I want it to, but the difference is that I don't have a clue where all these things will lead me. I don't know what the end result will be. I don't even really care to see it. Right now, I guess you could say I'm doing things because I want to do them, not because I have to or because there's an ulterior motive driving it all. There is no greater plan to attest to.

And sometimes, I think that this is absolutely the best way to live life. The unpredictability and the uncertainty and the unknown is exciting, it keeps you on your toes. It forces you to live in the here and now. It gives you freedom. There's less pressure. Less stress. Less hurt, frustration, anger, sadness if things don't go how you planned or expected them to. Anything could happen. What will be will be. Focus on what's important. But sometimes, sometimes it does my absolute nut in. Not having your shite together sometimes feels like taking a massive gamble. All the things that make it great are also all the reasons why it's not so great. I don't know if I choose to live this way because I'm just a ditz and a scatterbrain and not in a position to take control of my life. I don't know if it's because I'm scared of commitment and certainty and having everything mapped to a T. I don't know if it's because in a way I don't want to have it all figured out, because actually, I don't even know what I want anymore. Or maybe it's because I actually quite like the uncertainty. Maybe it's something I need. Thrive off.

In my life right now, I'm pretty certain about the next two years because I know that this is my ticket to the life I hope to lead one day, it's a tool to get me from A to B, wherever B may be. The institutional format of education gives your life that certainty. But after that, the ball is in my court, and that's precisely when I feel myself switch to easygoing, relaxed, what will be will be territory, just at the thought of it. Because I know that my life will suddenly become this blank canvas, and I'll have this selection of paints I've acquired over the years, and it will finally be my job to decide how the story goes next. And that's the bit where I guess I get a bit stuck, and I just can't understand how people have got all this figured out already.

Even though I absolutely love my course, I still don't know if I'll get a job as a Speech Therapist, or if I'll do a massive U-turn and decide I want to be a plumber or a world famous singer instead. I have no idea where I want to live after uni. I don't know if I want to travel or not. Will I take out a mortgage and actually buy a house which will then be mine and mine alone, or will I just pay rent forever cos who needs to own a house anyway, right? I only learnt what a mortgage is the other day, for Pete's sake. Meanwhile, when it comes to partners and marriage and families and all that jazz, forget barely scratching the surface, I haven't even got within an 100 mile radius yet. This is the girl who, when asked by a guy how her holiday is going, replies that it's all good, been a bit busy, and that I have a tanned nose. This is the girl who asked a guy out for drinks at 3am in the morning and sent waaaay too many winking faces whilst insisting that she definitely wasn't drunk. This is the girl who thought it was totally acceptable to send emojis of Mexican men holding beer, and pictures of Draco Malfoy riding a llama, to a guy she liked. So forget about wondering if it's a choice not to have my life in check, and instead lets question if I'm even ready to do such a thing.

My life at the moment is such a farce that I don't even think it's possible to plan any kind of long term future. Just getting through each day without making a complete tit out of myself, and laughing when the inevitable happens, is hard enough. Even today I was in a pub, went to the loo and didn't lock the toilet door properly, so I got caught out mid-pee by a complete stranger. These embarrassing episodes happen so frequently that I've actually come to expect them, and when they do happen, I have to ask myself is it any wonder that I don't really have a clue what I'm doing, and is it really such a surprise that other people don't expect that of me either?

Growing up, there's just so much expectation and pressure to live this textbook life, but what happens if you've taken the path less travelled by? What happens then? For me it's all I've ever known. There's still a good handful of things that I haven't done yet and sometimes wonder if I ever will. People want to present this perfect life and maintain this image, and they strive to achieve it too, but honestly I'm not even sure that perfection exists. I don't even think that perfect life exists, and to be quite frank, I don't think I care for it either. I know this stuff gets to me sometimes, and when I'm walking around or on public transport or amongst friends, I often think about these things and wonder why my life has never followed the same linear chronology as everybody else's. Why did I end up doing things differently, even though it was never my intention?

But you know, when it comes down to it, if I could trade in my life for somebody else's I know I would never do it in a million years. My life might be a bit of a mismatch, and most definitely a big old farce, and sure there's still an awful lot of things to figure out and get done and think about, but I'm starting to realise that that's okay. I'm happy with the way I've done things. I'm happy being me. And in time I'll figure out what I want, what I need and where I want to go. Maybe one day I'll have my own five year plan, or maybe I won't. One day in the distant, distant future, I'm talking light years here, I might just stop being a Bridget Jones and instead be more of a Carrie Bradshaw. At some point I'll experience the things I'm yet to experience. Things will fall into place when the time is right, and sure they might fall apart a few more times before then, but that's okay. I can live with that. 

At this time in my life, I'm very lucky in that I have so much freedom, so much energy, so much hope and possibility. I'm surrounded by so much love and support. There's all these opportunities to seize, people to meet, place to go, things to do. I can't stop marvelling at this incredible feeling of knowing that the whole world is lying right there at my feet. And I know that if I really, really wanted to, I could sit down and write out the story of my life right here, right now, at the age of 20. I could do that. But I don't want to. Whilst 20 year old me is pretty great, I don't want her deciding and planning my whole life. She hasn't lived enough. Experienced enough. Seen enough. She's still learning how to lock toilet doors properly and not spill toothpaste down her tshirt in the morning. She's still figuring out how to talk to boys and use bleach and not knock over everything that lies in her path and wondering why her life is essentially a ready made sitcom. There's so much she doesn't know. And sure, in time she'll learn, maybe, just maybe, but for now, you know what, I'm actually pretty content with writing the story of my life as I go along. The pen is in my hand, the page is blank, there's a whole world out there in front of me, and I can't help but think that that's a pretty darn groovy feeling. 

Nana Carmen's Spanish Omelette

NANA CARMEN'S SPANISH OMELETTE

The other day my Nana & Grandad called me up to invite me round for the day, and naturally they tried to lure me in with the promise of delicious food, just like the always do. Now I don't want you getting the wrong idea here- of course I don't need bribing to see my grandparents, and they know that as well as I do. I love them to the moon and back. But I can't deny that going round to their house is always something of a massive treat, as far as food is concerned. This is also something they know only too well, and there is an important reason for this. I've mentioned a couple of times on le blog before, (eg. in this post here), that whilst my Grandad hails from good old Kent, the Garden of England and all that, my Nana hails from Galicia in Spain, somewhere near Santander to be more precise.

This interesting nugget of information is important, because my Nana's Spanish origins means she is the renowned cooking queen of my family. Did someone mention needing dessert? Oh look, Nana's casually made two crumbles and a pie for good measure. Inexplicably hungry after that three course meal Nana casually prepared? Oh there goes Nana making you some fried potatoes as you munch on that plate of digestives she just flung on your lap. Did someone say there was a family get together happening next weekend? Oh fancy that, Nana's just whipped up 3 vegetable lasagnas, 10 meat lasagnas and a Shepard's pie too, even though only 16 people need feeding (and I'm not exaggerating with this last one). I think you get the idea.

When it comes to the kitchen, my Nana really is in her element and even walking around the countryside with her, it becomes evident what a pro she is when it comes to food. This is a lady who can spot a sage plant a mile off, who knows which berries are poisonous and which aren't, who grows her yearly runner beans in a specific plot in the back garden, who is known to go apple scrumping (basically throwing large sticks into apple trees and catching the apple trees as they fall) in the local park every Autumn time. Just being around her is an education in itself, and I greatly appreciate and treasure the time I spend around her, learning all these little snippets of information about the world, food, nature, the art of cooking. How to get the most out of a chicken. How to make hearty, healthy soups. How to cook potatoes the right way. How to make the bae of all baes that is empanada. How extra virgin olive oil is a gift of the gods. I soak it all up like a sponge, every little bit that I can, and it in turn makes me a better cook myself, as does it make me view food, cooking and nature itself in a completely different way. I'm more appreciative, I'm more respectful, I'm more knowledgeable.

Over the years I've been very lucky in that, being one of Nana's grandchildren, I've been subjected to hundreds upon hundreds of her cooking pursuits, whether I'm hungry or not. Even the other day, she managed to get homemade breaded fish, Spanish rice down, and sticky toffee pudding down me, even after I'd been moaning to my Grandad about how not hungry I was, and silently, poignantly wondering if I would ever feel hungry again. This is a woman with many talents, or so it would appear. Many times I have remarked to my Nana that she needs to get all these recipes and tips of hers into a cook book, and share it with the world so that they too can experience the wonders and joys of Nana Carmen's cooking. Currently this idea still seems to be stuck in the pondering phase, so till that day hopefully comes, I thought I'd share with you this lil gem of a recipe that I managed to coax out of her the other day.

Nana casually made this heavenly babe of a Spanish omelette for me the other day, and it was so damn tasty that to go back home without the recipe seemed absolutely bonkers. It's a traditional recipe, oi oi, it only takes 5 minutes to make, it's cheap, it's Instagram worthy and it tastes so good that your taste buds will be exploding with such joy it will be like a symphony went off in your mouth. Now how about that. So if you're wondering what to have for tea tonight, or lunch tomorrow, or even breakfast (oh the versatility of the omelette), why not take a gander and have a crack at this yourself? Go on. Unleash your inner Nana Carmen.

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RECIPE

INGREDIENTS

3 X POTATOES

1/2 RED ONION

2 X LARGE EGGS

1/4 OF A CHORIZO SAUSAGE, DICED 

OR 6 CHORIZO SLICES CUT INTO 

SMALLER PIECES

METHOD

001. Peel the potatoes, then cut into fine slices (around 1cm thick or less so that they cook in the frying pan) and wash. Pat the potatoes dry using kitchen towel.

002. Slice the onion and chorizo into small pieces. It's up to you how much chorizo you want to use!

003. Heat up a splash of extra virgin olive oil in a frying pan on a medium heat. When it's warm (and not bubbling or spitting), add the potatoes, onions and chorizo.

004. Put a plate or lid over 3/4 of the pan to help lock in moisture. Cook until the potatoes have started to get a bit of colour.

005. In a bowl, whisk the eggs together using a fork. Turn off the hob.

006. Use a spatula to lift out the contents of the frying pan, leaving the oils and juices still in the pan. Put contents in the egg mixture and stir together using a fork.

007. Turn the hob back on, medium heat, then tip the mixture back into the frying pan. 

008. After a couple of minutes, when it looks like the top side is starting to firm, get a plate similar in size to the frying pan. 

009. Take the pan off the heat, cover it with the plate, and flip over so that the omelette goes onto the plate, cooked side up. 

010. Slide the omelette back into the frying pan and cook the remaining side, using the spatula to check.

011. When both sides are a nice golden brown, turn off the heat, slide the omelette onto a plate and season with a dash of salt and pepper. Then marvel at how clever you are, take a pic for the old IG, and devour like the food luvin' monster I know you are.

Why Camping Is The Best

WHY CAMPING IS THE BEST

Up until last week, I had never ever ever been camping in my whole entire life. Aside from camping out in my best friend's garden for her birthday one time, way back in primary school, and a camping trip in year 7 where we stayed in a bunker, I had never done the whole camping thing. Family holidays were always spent sleeping in some kind of hotel or B&B or caravan or villa or hostel, and usually involved getting as far away from Blighty as possible, hence my whole entire childhood was a camping-free zone. Woo. Some of my friends used to go every summer, and obviously there were those who did camping as part of the good ol' festival ritual, but apart from that, no-one I knew really did it. Mum and Dad never owned a tent or anything camping related, bar a sleeping bag, and they never once said 'come on kids, we're going camping in Wales/ Derbyshire/ Devon/ The Middle of Nowhere!'. So by some miracle, when it came to camping, I guess you could say I had a get out of jail free card.

For most of my life, I considered this to be a very good thing indeed. The thought of camping in a tent, at complete mercy to the liberties of the great outdoors, namely the British weather system, didn't really appeal to me. I was relieved that I'd never had to do it. Never had to stick my feet in the ground and protest, as my parents tried to drag me out into the car whilst trying to convince me that this would absolutely be the best holiday of my whole entire life. Never had to endure being at one with nature. Lucky me. I always thought I wasn't missing out on anything special. I always thought I'd got off scot-free. My brain just couldn't fathom why camping would be anything special,something worth doing and continually doing. What was the point? Why would you willingly subject yourself to camping when you could do a package holiday in Majorca, save up and have a gander in New York City, stay in a hostel on Scarborough coastline? Why would you live in a field, surrounded by cows and sheep and nothingness?

Obviously, as I usually am with most things, I was wrong, as I found out last week twenty years too late when I went camping in my beloved Derbyshire with the charity Derby Kids Camp. My recent first introduction to camping has completely changed my perspective and opinions on the whole matter. I'm not lying here when I say that I have completely, 100% fallen in love with it. Hello number one fan over here. Give me tent poles and canvas and a mallet and I'll be over the moon. Give me a portable loo and I'll be on my way. Give me some wood and a lighter and by George I'll be on it with that bonfire and toasted marshmallows and campfire songs. Stick me in a field in the middle of nowhere and I'll cry with happiness. The camping bug, that nifty little thing I looked down on and opposed for so long, has caught me well and truly. There's just something about camping that has undoubtedly changed me for the better, and now I just want to spend every free moment pitching up in random fields and spending my days and nights immersed in the simple beauty of the world around me.

So with that, I'd love to share with you my top reasons for why I am now considering investing in an 'I <3 CAMPING' t-shirt, in the hopes that it makes you think twice about camping too, and join me in purchasing said t-shirt too.

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MY REASONS:

001. Being able to watch the morning sunrise and sunset over the architecture of the countryside, and marvelling as all the pretty lil colours flood the sky.

002. On a clear night, the whole entire sky is filled with stars, and they all shine so clearly and brightly. It's definitely worth looking like a tit as you walk around everywhere with your had at a -90 degree angle. Oh and you can actually see shooting stars too! 

003. Bonfires in the evening are a lovely way to spend time with people, as are campfire songs a great way to raise spirits. 'Honk honk round and round and crash beep beep' is a personal favourite.

004. NO WIFI OR 3G/4G= NO COMPULSIVELY CHECKING EMAILS OR SOCIAL MEDIA OR CONNECTING WITH THE REAL WORLD= REALISING THAT NONE OF IT MATTERS!!!

005. It's incredibly cathartic and cleansing for the soul. Hello  Miss Revitalisation.

006. You actually communicate with the people around you, and have proper decent and real conversations with facial expressions and everything.

007. You eat three nice, sizeable meals a day, meaning no desire to snack and anyways, camp food in my opinion is super delicious.

008. Every day feels like an adventure.

009. You can literally go anywhere and everywhere. There are no limits. The world is your oyster.

010. You can set up home in the most stunning places of natural beauty and be immersed right within it, instead of just visiting them in passing.

011. Being able to really enjoy and appreciate and live in the moment.

012. Getting back to basics (eg. portaloos, no showers, no washing machine, washing hair over the sink, not having a kitchen, no TV), makes you realise what really matters, as do you appreciate these things a whole lot more.

013. Being at mercy to the elements is actually not so bad, because you already feel somewhat at one with nature. So you realise that things will pass, and even this super heavy rain which you swear is actually a tornado which will blow the whole world into pieces, will pass too. 

014. Dressing up in super cosy clothes and wrapping up super warm before bedtime, then lying there contentedly, snug as a bug.

015. IT'S SO CHEAP AND EASY TO DO. HELLO 365 DAY HOLIDAY.

016. It teaches you a lot about yourself, who you are as a person, what matters to you most and what you want in life.

017. Going on long walks in amazing parts of the countryside and coming back with a relaxed mind and body, and sleeping like a baby come night time.

018. Spending quality time with people, and laughing and bonding lots as you moan about your camping experience, eg. how you fell over in the rain last night as you nipped out for an emergency pee and that time you crouched under the hand dryer to dry your hair.

019. Becoming at one with nature. That means getting over any bug related fears and gaining a new opinion on cows and roosters, especially when they wake you up at 6am in the morning for no apparent reason at all.

020. You live your days to the full (again, mostly thanks to those cows, sheep and roosters)

021. It's actually quite nice to sleep in a tent, even when your tent is the size of a cupboard and everyone else's tent is 10 x bigger complete with double bed and living area, and you have to deflate your airbed so you can even fit inside the tent. 

022. It's also kind of nice, knowing that it's all that separates you from the great outdoors is that tent canvas.

023. When you eventually make your way home, you feel a bit like Bear Grylls, or an evicted contestant from I'm A Celeb, and that first cup of hot tea tastes like God prepared it for you himself.

024. You actually feel like you've been on a holiday, like an actual holiday where you completely leave your everyday life behind and just focus on relaxing your mind and body and enjoying the simple pleasures in life.

025. You do lots of exercise = keeping fit.

026. It's a great time to get out the Adele and Beyonce and practice your singing talents= hello future record contract

027. YOU ACTUALLY GET MORE TANNED THAN WHEN YOU GO ABROAD AND EVERYONE WILL NOTICE. THIS IS A LEGIT FACT.

028. You're completely aloud to slob out and be lazy and sleep and be wined and dined and live in your pjs and have that 10 hour bath complete with Lush bath bomb when you get back, because you survived the elements, you clever clogs you. Best tell Bear Grylls to watch out.

The Start of Something Beautiful

THE START OF SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

Hello dear readers, I hope you're well. I wanted to write today because it feels like agggeessss since I last had the chance to write a nice, meaty, sizeable post. It's been a while since I've sat down in front of my computer screen and exercised my fingers, so I can channel and express all the feelings and thoughts fleeting around my heart, mind and soul. So here I am, and what a day it has been. Today I went to the airport with one of my best friends to see our other best friend off on her travels. Today she begins the incredible experience that is her year abroad. And so today marks the moment when things really do begin to change. Today is when the ball begins rolling. Today is when the snow globe of life begins to shake, and all the little sparkly pieces contained within it will fall and land in different amalgamations. Today marks a new beginning, as well as the beginning of the end. Today is when life switches to the fast lane, and the road ahead expands and extends itself until the future is just a distant speck on the horizon once again.

I know I always write about change, and I try to dissect it and analyse it and plot it like coordinates on a map. I don't know why, but it seems to fascinate me so truly and deeply. In the last five years my life and myself have changed massively. So much has happened in between then and now, and I guess it feels like one massive whirlwind that blew threw the plains and lands of my life and swept everything up in a handful. And gradually, as time has gone by and the winds have settled and the transformation emerges, I start to see how different everything is. Nothing is as it was. It's like my life was set to acceleration, and it's only now that it feels like this first huge series of changes has finally come to its resolution. A chapter has been finished. A fully finished document signed off upon completion. A contently fading moon has set into the sky and a new sun has soared high up into the blue, ready to commence the new day that awaits me.

Before this particular period of my life, things were pretty stagnant and predictable, and I was getting by alright but I wasn't as happy as I knew I could be. I was yearning for something more. Then this huge wave of change was set into to motion, and little by little all these aspects of my life began tweaking and turning and evolving into something new. And it was brilliant, wonderful, sometimes difficult, but also so unfathomably life changing, and it felt like it would never end. I would ride this one particular wave of change forever. Numerous times in the last few years I have tried to anticipate when this wave of change, and all those little changes embedded within it, will finish. I'm always trying to guess the endings and beginnings like it's a game set out to be played. It's hard sometimes to let things be. But it's strange because this time round, I'm starting to sense a natural and eventual ending occurring. I'm realising that the conclusions I pinpointed were merely pauses on the road of life, and it is now when the road finally reaches an intersection and the direction is changing. Destination: unknown.

I know that this time is different because it feels like these last few changes have exploded like massive, incredible, blooming fireworks in the sky. Out with a bang, a shot of light, a mirage of colour. They're still changes, but something about them just feels different. They're stronger, more forceful. There's something about them that seems more powerful, more significant, more pointed. If I'm looking for that all important dividing line to separate an old from a new, an end from a beginning, a before from an after, this feels like the exact time. A new wave of change is beginning. This moment of time and space is when the stars of my life have once again aligned. The orchestra of my life has reached that last all important crescendo. The athlete has reached the last leg of the race. It's a moment of transition as loose ends are tied up, and I gradually metamorphose from today into tomorrow. It's all so peculiar and surreal.

So many things have happened recently, and will be happening soon too: The other week my heart  finally, finally let go of someone that has been stubbornly occupying it for a number of years now. I had forced myself to believe that it was just never going to happen, until one day I just woke up and something had irreversibly changed. I volunteered on a kids camp last week, an incredible experience in itself, and I learnt an awful lot about who I am as a person, when everything else is stripped away. I also realised how far I've come, and the kind of person I still want to be. It left me feeling very proud of myself and everything I have achieved so far. It made me realise that I'm not doing too badly, as am I so very happy with the person I am right here, right now. It felt a bit like making peace with myself, and now I subsequently feel a lot happier in myself.

Camping in general has also helped to realign my perspective and reconnect with the things most important to me. I really do believe it has changed me for the better, and been an incredibly formative experience too. I've been volunteering at the Stroke Association, and will soon be volunteering a stammering event, as well as with the transgender community up in Manchester, things I never dreamed I'd feel ready to do. My confidence and skills have improved. My way of thinking and responding is noticeably changing for the better, and my attitude is improving too. I've been thinking about all the things I've learnt this last year at uni, and how I've finally put all the puzzle pieces together and ended up with a solid foundation from which I can grow from, during these last two years of my degree. 

My mind feels a lot calmer and healthier. I'm a lot better at figuring out what I need and finding ways to help me achieve that. I feel like my energies are being focused on the right things now, and I'm caring less about the trivial things and more about what matters most. I'm being a friend to myself. I'm creating a mental check list of things I intend to achieve in the near future. Meanwhile the distant future is now starting to feel like something tangible, something real, something I can touch and see and believe in. My fear and insecurities are starting to weaken, and instead I'm starting to feel like a warrior gearing up for a fight, a star getting reading to launch itself into the night. 

I'm gradually teaching myself to let go of the weights that hold me down. I'm starting to carve out my place in this world. I'll be living with new people. I'll be coming back to what I already know and trying to do things better than I did last time, and not because I have to but because I want to. One of my best friends is now following her dream and living in another country. A plane ride and Skype call away, instead of a 2 minute walk or a 10 minute bus journey. We don't know what the future has in store, and so for once we're just along for the ride. Another of my best friends's course is stepping up a gear, and she won't be back home as much, whilst another best friend has decided to set up home 5 hours away from me, and I don't think she'll ever come back for good. Come back to these cities and places filled with memories of our childhood and friendship that continues to evolve and persevere. These cities and places we call home in the truest sense.

My sister will soon be moving to London and following her dream too in the big city, and I don't think she'll ever really come home after that. We'll be the furthest away we've ever been. People are leaving my life whilst others are coming right back in. I'm reconnecting with people who meant a lot to me and still do. My opinions on matters are evolving and I like feeling as though I have a better understanding of things now. I have more respect, more time, more compassion. My understanding and grasp of what's possible has deepened and broadened in scope. I'm not feeling so limited anymore. When it comes to love, for the first time in my life I feel absolutely clueless as to what will happen next, and the strange thing is I rather like the unpredictability and the unknown. What will be will be. In the mean time I have a content and very happy relationship with myself to focus on. 

I'm growing my hair out and I have no idea what I'm going to do with it next. I can feel my personal style shifting towards a new aesthetic. It's like I'm becoming another reincarnation of myself yet again, and I so desperately want to meet her because I keep thinking back to who I was, who I used to be, and feeling so grateful that everything that happened to me happened. I'm in a really good place, and even if things still have the capacity to go a bit tits up, which I'm sure they will at some point, I feel like I have the strength to take it. I can do this. 

Of course change is the essence of life, and I will always maintain that it has been the making of me. And I'd be lying if I said that I don't resist it or fear it anymore, because I do. Of course I do. Of course I wish all the people I love most didn't have to leave. Of course I wish I could go back to my younger years and live it all over again. Of course I'd rather not get older and have to take on all the many responsibilities that come with it. Of course things happen that I don't like, things I wish I could undo. I still make mistakes. I still trip and fall. I still make a tit out of myself. I still secretly wish I'd done some things differently. Of course I wish that my life as it is right now could stay this way forever too.

But then I know that I've said that before, countless times. I wanted to stay right where I was, right where I was comfortable, but life had other plans and I let myself get carried along right with it. And the best of times morphed into new best of times, and things were still amazing and fulfilling and treasured, just in different ways. And the other week I was watching a Brian Cox documentary, and he was explaining about the difference between time and space. He said about how the Earth always does a 365/366 spin on its axis, yet every day it spins it moves forwards in space and every complete cycle occurs in a different part of space. Where we are on the 8th of August 2016 will be different to where we are on the 8th of August 2017, even if next year the weather is exactly the same and the places and people we visit still look the same as they've always done.

So in a way, we do lose the past every time we close our eyes and a new day begins, and it's true that things will never return to how they were, and we never quite return to where we were either. It's impossible. In life we're meant to continually keep moving forwards to this unknown and elusive destination. Things are always changing. Change is a constant. And it's so hard to let things go and leave them behind you. Have the best days of your life become simply memories. But the laws of time and space mean that to some extent, the moments of past that we treasure still exist somewhere out there in the universe. Somewhere in the debris and tell tale tracks of where we've been, these moments and times and versions of our lives still exist. So even though we have to physically leave them behind, I think it's rather nice to know that we never leave them fully. They're out there somewhere.

It's like leaving footsteps in the sand, whilst we carry on walking towards whatever comes next in the weird and wonderful workings of our lives, and it makes me realise that change is a good thing. Every day we wake up and we begin again, and the world keeps spinning and we keep moving forwards. And little by little we leave our mark, our own special signposts and markers and footprints saying we were here, this is who we were, this is how we lived our lives. And we carry ourselves forward into the great unknown, launching ourselves into the pool of wonder and magic that awaits us. We trust that our feet will find solid ground once again, and that we will discover the next adventures and times of our lives, lying embedded in the depths of time and space, just waiting to be found.