The Urge To Create

THE URGE TO CREATE

When I was three years old, legend has it (well okay, so my Mum told me), that I decided to draw a picture of our conservatory. What was the appeal of a conservatory to a three year old child? I don't really know. Why did I decide to draw it? Again, I don't really know. I'd never explicitly been taught how to draw, and I wouldn't be explicitly taught how to draw till I was age eleven, by which point I already had a rough idea of what I was doing anyway. It was just something I seemed to do instinctively. And when I drew that conservatory, apparently I drew it rather well. So well in fact, that it was quite a surprise to my Mum. She didn't quite know what to make of me. I personally don't remember this incident, but when I look back over the last nineteen years of my life, all I remember is drawing, creating, art. Although of course I remember other things too, the most constant, prominent feature of my life, aside from my family, is creation, and the act of creating. I have always been an 'artist' of sorts, a creator, an inventor. I always see potential and what could be. I'm always inquiring, wondering, searching. I find it impossible to sit still. The pull and urge to create is too strong.

Whenever I pick up a pen, something magical and creative instinctively flows out the end of it. When I'm holding a material in my hand, I can't help but start using it to create something, sometimes without even realising I'm doing it. I see the world in colour, emotion, light, design, motion, structure, shape, pattern, possibility, beauty, sound. To me the world is full of creation, the tools needed to create, and the potential of what is still waiting to be created. I don't remember a time when that wasn't a case. Every room I've ever inhabited ends up being turned into an arresting, vivid array of colour, photos, shapes, visuals, stimuli. I seem to thrive off stimuli. It seems to feed something within me that I can't ever truly pinpoint or name, It's like my soul and my brain just yearn for it. So naturally I seek it out wherever I can, almost like a hunter seeking his food, because not only do I need it to feel whole, fulfilled, peaceful, but also for the simple fact that it makes me very happy. I take great joy in creation, whatever its form may be. Art, writing, music, fashion, photography, and anything else beyond that. And it's strange because to me I just can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to fill their world with all these beautiful, simple things. Why wouldn't anyone take such immense joy from them? What would life be without creation? We wouldn't even be here it at all without it, it's the very essence and shaper of our being and existence. And I often feel very grateful that someone up above decided that I would be lucky enough to be an instigator of creation, and that I would be lucky enough to form such close, deep, wonderfully rich bond with it. That out of all the virtues we have in this life, creation would be the one thing that drives me most of all.

Creation, and the urge to create, is my driver. It overrides everything, even the other things that are important to me, and that I care deeply about. Recently I find that I keep feeling grateful that I was given a brain that thrives of sensory stimulation, and is so adept at perceiving it, creating it, seeing the potential in everything. When I look at colour, pattern, objects, I just seem to instinctively know where everything should go in order to look the most aesthetically pleasing. My brain is so sensitive to the sensory stimulation that creation provides. I see it everywhere I look. Likewise I'm so grateful that I have such intricate manual dexterity and fine motor skills that allow me to translate the whirling, dazzling, flowing wealth of creation in my mind, into something tangible and real, that is present right before my very eyes. I often take these skills and abilities for granted. I assume that everyone and anyone can do what I can do, think the way that I think, see the world the way I see it. I've never considered myself special. The ability to create feels like a very humble gift to me. Yet ever since I was a little girl, I've always been labelled an 'artist', and always had my artistic abilities commented on, always been asked time and time again if I'm going to be an 'artist' when I grow up. For some reason, it's a profession that never fully appealed to me. To make my fortune out of creating 24/7, for my livelihood to depend on my ability to create, having to market and put a price on my creative abilities, creating on demand, always putting my work up for scrutiny... it never really felt right. I always wanted something more than a life dedicated to creation could provide. I always felt like it was the easy option. I always felt like there was more of myself left to prove, left to find, left to work on.

To me, the urge to create is as natural and instinctive as brushing my teeth, breathing, eating my food, walking. It's part of who I am, my creative make-up, an escape and skill that I find great solace and comfort in, and I've never really known otherwise. It's always been there, and I know it always will be till the day I die. It's something that is a constant in my ever changing and evolving life. An anchor that keeps me grounded to the core of my being as I too change and evolve. I don't really understand the hype my artistry gathers, and sometimes the attention puts me off being creative, and doing the very thing that feels so natural to me. You wouldn't praise someone for breathing, or look at them intensely whilst they swallow their food, so what's the attraction of someone creating? Of course I do understand the intrigue. I've felt it millions of times over for the creators I personally admire. But when you're on the receiving end of it, it almost feels wrong or fraud-like, to receive such acclaim for doing something that comes so naturally to you. It doesn't feel like you're being extraordinary enough. Like I said, I forget all the time time that what I'm able to do is pretty unusual, a gift or talent of sorts that not many people have. Most people are simply fascinated by creation and those who instigate it. It's like an instinctive human predisposition, to marvel at creation, and in some respects, I guess that those moments are when we as a species are our most humane. Rendered to our basic primeval instincts and emotions.

Being deemed an 'artist','the creative one', 'the really good drawer' from a very young age meant that growing up, although I always felt a bit like an outsider for reasons I'm not even sure of myself, I essentially always had my social role mapped out for me. There was and is always that position ready for me to fill, should I choose to do so. And I guess it's quite a nice, neutral role to have. I was never particularly popular for it, but I always sensed that my creative abilities were something that I was admired and respected for, and from people all over the social hierarchy. And I loved that my creations could mean something to so many different kinds of people. It sometimes felt like a free pass to social acceptance, because for some absurd reason people always seem to greatly accept, admire and respect those who can create. And they especially seem to like you if you're very humble and modest about it all, which most creators are because in most cases, your creative abilities simply feel like an extension of yourself. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. Just something that is, and you don't ever question it. Being a creator, and being blessed with the ability to create, is something that has always and continues to give me great joy, especially as my abilities have improved and become more fine tuned over time. I can see myself progressing, through hard work and constantly pushing myself, and also in part from the guidance I've received over the years. And it's strange because I never see myself reaching a pre-ascertained goal. My progression is infinite, never destined to be perfect or complete, because there's still so much I can do, improve, create. I'll always be striving for this goal I don't even know for myself, never 100% satisfied.

When I look at my creations, I nearly always see the improvements I could make, even when I'm largely satisfied with my efforts and others are telling me how great it is. But then other times, I surprise myself with just what I'm actually capable of. It's a bit like Elsa in Frozen, where my ability and urge to create is almost larger than me, hard to get a hold on. But at the same time, it's a challenge I so wholeheartedly rise to and accept. Creation is part of the blood that powers my being, keeps my mind thriving, heart beating, soul alive. It gives my life and added meaning and depth that nothing else can. And the thought of discovering what I still might be capable of, pushing myself even further to see where my talents lie, is something that greatly excites me. Likewise I feel like my creative abilities are the tools of my dreams, they will be the definitive making of who I am, in which way I am yet to know, and they truly make me feel fully equipped to take on the world, and leave my mark on it in some way. I don't know if I'll ever feel like an artist, or accept the label that's given to me, but the recognition of others is something that I value immensely. And though my creations and creative abilities are both things I find incredibly fulfilling myself, the absolute pinnacle of everything I do, is when I get to use my creativity to make other's happy, make their world a little bit better, share with them the magical gift of creation and joy I too feel inside. Is there anything better?