Cheers to 2015

-Loving life, drinking our chocolate milk in Copenhagen, July 2015-

CHEERS TO 2015

Hello dear readers. I hope you're all fine and dandy today on this beautiful News Years Eve. I don't know about where you are, but here in Derby, Derbyshire, middle of the UK, furthest from the sea, the god-awful rain and wind have finally, finally stopped. We be ending the year with sunshine and blue skies over here in the East Midlands, and I hope it's the same for you, wherever you may be. Now it comes as no massive surprise that with me being a somewhat reflective, inquisitive, introspective, optimistic and incessantly grateful individual (I am forever thanking people, life, myself, fate for all the good things in my life, in a Mary Mary 'I just wanna praise you, I just wanna praise you' kind of fashion), I wanted to write one of those deep, meaningful posts to celebrate and say goodbye to this last year. No, actually, I lie, there was no 'want' about it. It was inevitably going to happen, and I'm sure that if you've been kind enough to read Moustashie for any significant length of time, you will know that me not writing one of these posts... well as Skepta would say, 'that's not me'. So hold tight, here we go, I'm lifting up the emotional barricades.

2015... I don't even know where to begin. To be precise, I have been very, very happy and grateful with my lot the last three years of my life. Now that total has risen to four. These last four years of my life have been a big ass rollercoaster of discovery in more ways than one. 2012 began with me in my last year of school, still unsure what to do with my life, where I would go, doing my GCSE's, in the midst of a rather negative mindset, which left me feeling down quite a lot of the time, and also on the cusp of what I now realise to be the beginning of all this change. That was when the shackles of who I was (sorry, I seem to be on a Mary Mary thing today), were starting to loosen, the world was starting to spin at an increasingly faster rate, and I could just feel this sense of change looming on the horizon. Now fast forward to 2015, and everything has changed beyond my wildest dreams. In between then and now I got my GCSE results, went to college, decided what to do with my life and where I wanted to go, applied to university and did all the interviews, passed all my A Levels and did kind of alright, started university, passed my first year of university. And that's not to mention all the other amazing things that happened along the way too, things that I will never, ever forget for as long as I live. Now I'm in my second year of university, studying a course I love increasingly more as time passes by, in a city I absolutely adore, surrounded by amazing people, doing lots of things I love, I know who I am completely, and I'm the happiest I have ever, ever been.When 2012 began, I was tired with the way things were and always had been. I had this hunger for more. I was tired with just existing. I wanted to live and hopefully find myself in the process. That gorgeous youthful optimism, where you feel like you can take on the world, the galaxies, the universe. That was what fuelled me. And now, when I think back over these last few years of my life, and try to pinpoint just why I consider them to be so special, why I felt so damn content and grateful at the end of them, the only reason I can think of, is that's it's all because of one thing: I finally got out there and with a bit of help along the way, I bloody lived and worked for the very life that I wanted to lead.

So what relevance does all the rambling have to 2015? Well I guess it's because as 2015 draws to a close, I get the most distinct feeling that that revolutionary, so very important process of change, spanning four years filled with amazing memories, people. experiences, places, stepping stones, adventures, a multitude of highs and lows, a magical whirlwind of excitement and possibility, has finally come to an end, or more like it's the beginning of the end. The revolutionising is almost complete. Maybe it's because at 19, I'm living out the last of my formative teenage years. Maybe it's because my twenties loom increasingly closer on the horizon (but lets not think of that right now...). Maybe it's because I've reached the exact place where I'm meant to be, and there's no more I can do right now. Either way, there's only a few more loose ends left to tie up, and the sheer difference between who I was then, and who I am now is to me just remarkable. I haven't necessarily lost who I was, it's more like I've changed who I am for the better, and discovered a whole lot more about myself too. For me, 2015 is a year that not only cemented that change, and added a few more into the mix, but it's also the year I believe I finally, truly came into my own, and could 100% hold up my hand and say I really am very happy right now. I never expected to reach this place four years ago, yet somehow I made it. 2015 hasn't been that extraordinary, in comparison to other years, in fact it's been quite mediocre yet I've honestly enjoyed every single last minute of it. I've never felt so happy, so grateful, so excited to be alive. I've loved the last four years of my life more than I could possibly express to you with words, but 2015 is definitely the special one. The one I will hold the most dearly to my heart. It's the only year I've actually full out documented in various ways, because I knew at the very start that I never wanted to forget this time in my life. It's the only year that every memory seems to be tinged with this magic and added life, so every time I reel those memories like a film in my mind, I get this feeling larger than life itself. It's the only year I've found myself feeling continually grateful for everything that happens to me. And everything, all of it, every last bit, it's all been bloody wonderful. Life happened in all it's perfection and imperfection, all the ups and downs, the to and fro, and I still can't help but be left with the continued realisation that I AM SO DAMN HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

Sometimes I wonder if and when all this 'luvin lyf 2k12, 2k13, 2k14, 2k15' fandango will come to and end, because it's only a snapshot of my life right now, an added signpost and marker on a journey that I hope will last for many more years to come. Things won't stay this way forever. In the future there will be times when things won't feel this good, when I probably won't feel this happy, when I might not be as content, when I might lose touch with who I am all over again. I'm probably going to change some more, as will my life. Ten years from now, I imagine a post like this would look and read very differently to the way it does today. Sometimes, I feel like I've been almost too lucky the last four years. I've gotten away with something I shouldn't have. Surely I can't feel this way after yet another year. I'm aware there might be a looming down to counteract this continued upwards trajectory. And yet, simultaneously, part of me doesn't feel like that's the case. Although I have finished the last four years very happy indeed, and I have increasingly been loving my life more and more, and I've gained a hell of a lot, been incredibly lucky in more ways than one, I, just like you, have had those crappy moments too. Some worse than others. Life hasn't always been kind to me. If my life was a school dinner tray, and fate the dinner lady, I still get those nasty brussel sprouts and lumpy custard, alongside that nice sticky toffee pudding and roast dinner. I haven't got off scot-free. 

So I don't know. Maybe I've got it all wrong. Maybe it's not that my life has gotten increasingly better, and the gods of fate have designated me a favourite. Maybe the reason why I've loved the last four years of my life so much, and why I feel so happy and lucky to be alive, is because over the last four years, I  learnt how to do the following things: become the instigator of my own happiness, make decisions that I knew would change me or my life in some way, do things that scare me, saying yes, love who I am (warts and all), appreciate the fact that I'm alive on a daily basis, be thankful for the good things that do happen to me, enjoy the good and learn from the bad, think positively, see the silver lining in everything, remember everything happens for a reason, consciously choosing to be happy and doing more of what makes me happy, becoming a nicer person, enjoy the little things (of which there are many, if you take the time to look). 

Maybe it's not that life has been nicer to me the last four years. Maybe it's that I've been nicer to myself. Maybe it's not life and fate that has been changing me, but me who's been changing my life, and therefore myself in the process. And 2015 is the year that I've finally realised that. Finally learnt the secret to my own happiness, or at least for now. So to celebrate this gorgeous, wonderful, amazing, bad ass, kick ass, beautiful, perfectly imperfect year, I'd like to end by sharing with you some of the best things, dear readers. And I truly, truly hope that 2015 was an amazing year for you, and whether that was or wasn't the case, I wish you a very happy 2016.

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-MY BEST BITS-

Cheese fest. Turning 19. Going to London a few times. Watching Billy Elliott. Seeing a Yayoi Kusama art installation with my own two eyes. Discovering lots of amazing new music. Discovering Fleetwood Mac. Discovering Elvis. Going to Copenhagen, my version of heaven on earth. Going to Sweden for the day. Learning how to spell Sweden properly. Celebrating Stromae's birthday. Going to Pangaea Festival twice. Going to Blackpool for the first time. Our little family holiday to Wales. Our family meet up in Ross on Wye. Moving into my first ever house. Living with my friends. My beautiful first year flamily (flat 68 represent). Discovering the library in town. Doing my radio show. Seeing my Bluboca store do well. Finally confronting the past and moving on from it. Forgiving. Starting anew. Failing my driving test (for what it taught me). Passing my driving test. Getting my driving license. Reconnecting with old friends. Getting Spotify. Discovering 10 Things I Like About You. Watching Spectre. Doing my two course placements and passing them. Being surrounded by the best friends ever in the world ever. Being surrounded by the best family in the world ever. Keeping up with my running and actually really enjoying it. Getting fitter and healthier. Actually really liking my body for the first time. Passing my first year of uni. Learning how to make soup and shortbread. Helping to do up an old building at uni. Volunteering with the Stroke Association some more. Learning more about the Chinese culture. Doing my first one to one volunteering sessions. Doing work experience at a school nearby. Making Christmas dinner for the first time with my friends. Celebrating Mum's 50th Birthday. Going to Sketch, London. Cutting my hair shorter and giving myself a fringe. Buying my first two lipsticks. Working the christmas parties. Talking to lots of new people. Achieving the position of social secretary for the UoM Blog Society. Organising social events and bringing people together. Seeing Chesney from Coronation Street at the station. Finally understanding how uni actually works. Helping out at Freshers Fair (felt just like Pitch Perfect!). Seeing my sister do so well with her stage management dreams. Still keeping in contact with my Spanish penpal. Watching the amaing Memphis in London. The big family reunion we had in April. Read so many good books. Repeatedly going to Kebab King.

Going out in Manchester. Going out in Notts. Watching Kodaline twice. Watching the insane The War On Drugs. Trying out Korfball. Going to my first house party, and a few more after that. Making an amazing new friend at a house party, who is basically my twin. That day we went to watch 50 Shades of Grey. That day we went shopping in Manchester. When I won two games of pool consecutively. Learning how to bleach a toilet. Discovering the joys of peanut butter and mushrooms and wine. Getting my new phone (adiós Nokia brick). Getting Instagram back. Taking part in Sketch-o-matic at HOME MCR. Running 9k for the first time. Taking part in our Flat Quiz. Going dancing at The Ram. My best and oldest friend coming all the way from Portsmouth to Manchester to take me home for Christmas. Forgetting my purse and having to go back to Manchester to get it the next day.Pub Quiz at Squirrels. Brownie & film nights. Frisbee in the park. Dad had another seizure but thankfully has been okay since! Discovering First Dates. Going on what I believe was a date, for the first time. Giving my number to a boy for the first time. Asking a boy if he wanted to meet up, for the first time. Discovering the gifs on facebook. House karaoke night. Day trips to Liverpool. Having my sister come stay with me in Manchester. Manchester Christmas Markets. Becoming a peer mentor. Discovering £1 cookies at Sainsburys. Going walking for the day with my friends in Derbyshire. When everyone went out in Derby for my friend's 18th. Seeing Moustashie turn one. Seeing Moustashie get over 20,000 views! Getting my waffle maker for Christmas. Discovered the amazingness of Audrey Hepburn & Gregory Peck in 'A Roman Holiday'. Roadtrips with my dad. Dad taking me to the pubs in Derby. Mum being an absolute angel, always there for me. SLT Summer Ball. A fun night we had in China town. Eating in lots of nice places in Manchester. Discovering Castlefield. Seeing my drawing get better. Re-discovering the joys of photography. Going to Meadowhall with my best friends & singing in the car on the way home. Me & my friends getting to share this amazing time of our lives together. Getting my Modern Family boxset. Finding my perfect coat. Having my friends round for tea at my house, and going round to theirs. My two best guy friends and I calling ourselves Dandruff, Jizz and Gash and having it stick. Laughing lots and lots and lots and lots. Learning how to talk clearer and better.When my friend came to stay for her birthday and we lost her in Manchester city centre. Spending time in Devon.

The Urge To Create

THE URGE TO CREATE

When I was three years old, legend has it (well okay, so my Mum told me), that I decided to draw a picture of our conservatory. What was the appeal of a conservatory to a three year old child? I don't really know. Why did I decide to draw it? Again, I don't really know. I'd never explicitly been taught how to draw, and I wouldn't be explicitly taught how to draw till I was age eleven, by which point I already had a rough idea of what I was doing anyway. It was just something I seemed to do instinctively. And when I drew that conservatory, apparently I drew it rather well. So well in fact, that it was quite a surprise to my Mum. She didn't quite know what to make of me. I personally don't remember this incident, but when I look back over the last nineteen years of my life, all I remember is drawing, creating, art. Although of course I remember other things too, the most constant, prominent feature of my life, aside from my family, is creation, and the act of creating. I have always been an 'artist' of sorts, a creator, an inventor. I always see potential and what could be. I'm always inquiring, wondering, searching. I find it impossible to sit still. The pull and urge to create is too strong.

Whenever I pick up a pen, something magical and creative instinctively flows out the end of it. When I'm holding a material in my hand, I can't help but start using it to create something, sometimes without even realising I'm doing it. I see the world in colour, emotion, light, design, motion, structure, shape, pattern, possibility, beauty, sound. To me the world is full of creation, the tools needed to create, and the potential of what is still waiting to be created. I don't remember a time when that wasn't a case. Every room I've ever inhabited ends up being turned into an arresting, vivid array of colour, photos, shapes, visuals, stimuli. I seem to thrive off stimuli. It seems to feed something within me that I can't ever truly pinpoint or name, It's like my soul and my brain just yearn for it. So naturally I seek it out wherever I can, almost like a hunter seeking his food, because not only do I need it to feel whole, fulfilled, peaceful, but also for the simple fact that it makes me very happy. I take great joy in creation, whatever its form may be. Art, writing, music, fashion, photography, and anything else beyond that. And it's strange because to me I just can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to fill their world with all these beautiful, simple things. Why wouldn't anyone take such immense joy from them? What would life be without creation? We wouldn't even be here it at all without it, it's the very essence and shaper of our being and existence. And I often feel very grateful that someone up above decided that I would be lucky enough to be an instigator of creation, and that I would be lucky enough to form such close, deep, wonderfully rich bond with it. That out of all the virtues we have in this life, creation would be the one thing that drives me most of all.

Creation, and the urge to create, is my driver. It overrides everything, even the other things that are important to me, and that I care deeply about. Recently I find that I keep feeling grateful that I was given a brain that thrives of sensory stimulation, and is so adept at perceiving it, creating it, seeing the potential in everything. When I look at colour, pattern, objects, I just seem to instinctively know where everything should go in order to look the most aesthetically pleasing. My brain is so sensitive to the sensory stimulation that creation provides. I see it everywhere I look. Likewise I'm so grateful that I have such intricate manual dexterity and fine motor skills that allow me to translate the whirling, dazzling, flowing wealth of creation in my mind, into something tangible and real, that is present right before my very eyes. I often take these skills and abilities for granted. I assume that everyone and anyone can do what I can do, think the way that I think, see the world the way I see it. I've never considered myself special. The ability to create feels like a very humble gift to me. Yet ever since I was a little girl, I've always been labelled an 'artist', and always had my artistic abilities commented on, always been asked time and time again if I'm going to be an 'artist' when I grow up. For some reason, it's a profession that never fully appealed to me. To make my fortune out of creating 24/7, for my livelihood to depend on my ability to create, having to market and put a price on my creative abilities, creating on demand, always putting my work up for scrutiny... it never really felt right. I always wanted something more than a life dedicated to creation could provide. I always felt like it was the easy option. I always felt like there was more of myself left to prove, left to find, left to work on.

To me, the urge to create is as natural and instinctive as brushing my teeth, breathing, eating my food, walking. It's part of who I am, my creative make-up, an escape and skill that I find great solace and comfort in, and I've never really known otherwise. It's always been there, and I know it always will be till the day I die. It's something that is a constant in my ever changing and evolving life. An anchor that keeps me grounded to the core of my being as I too change and evolve. I don't really understand the hype my artistry gathers, and sometimes the attention puts me off being creative, and doing the very thing that feels so natural to me. You wouldn't praise someone for breathing, or look at them intensely whilst they swallow their food, so what's the attraction of someone creating? Of course I do understand the intrigue. I've felt it millions of times over for the creators I personally admire. But when you're on the receiving end of it, it almost feels wrong or fraud-like, to receive such acclaim for doing something that comes so naturally to you. It doesn't feel like you're being extraordinary enough. Like I said, I forget all the time time that what I'm able to do is pretty unusual, a gift or talent of sorts that not many people have. Most people are simply fascinated by creation and those who instigate it. It's like an instinctive human predisposition, to marvel at creation, and in some respects, I guess that those moments are when we as a species are our most humane. Rendered to our basic primeval instincts and emotions.

Being deemed an 'artist','the creative one', 'the really good drawer' from a very young age meant that growing up, although I always felt a bit like an outsider for reasons I'm not even sure of myself, I essentially always had my social role mapped out for me. There was and is always that position ready for me to fill, should I choose to do so. And I guess it's quite a nice, neutral role to have. I was never particularly popular for it, but I always sensed that my creative abilities were something that I was admired and respected for, and from people all over the social hierarchy. And I loved that my creations could mean something to so many different kinds of people. It sometimes felt like a free pass to social acceptance, because for some absurd reason people always seem to greatly accept, admire and respect those who can create. And they especially seem to like you if you're very humble and modest about it all, which most creators are because in most cases, your creative abilities simply feel like an extension of yourself. Nothing special or out of the ordinary. Just something that is, and you don't ever question it. Being a creator, and being blessed with the ability to create, is something that has always and continues to give me great joy, especially as my abilities have improved and become more fine tuned over time. I can see myself progressing, through hard work and constantly pushing myself, and also in part from the guidance I've received over the years. And it's strange because I never see myself reaching a pre-ascertained goal. My progression is infinite, never destined to be perfect or complete, because there's still so much I can do, improve, create. I'll always be striving for this goal I don't even know for myself, never 100% satisfied.

When I look at my creations, I nearly always see the improvements I could make, even when I'm largely satisfied with my efforts and others are telling me how great it is. But then other times, I surprise myself with just what I'm actually capable of. It's a bit like Elsa in Frozen, where my ability and urge to create is almost larger than me, hard to get a hold on. But at the same time, it's a challenge I so wholeheartedly rise to and accept. Creation is part of the blood that powers my being, keeps my mind thriving, heart beating, soul alive. It gives my life and added meaning and depth that nothing else can. And the thought of discovering what I still might be capable of, pushing myself even further to see where my talents lie, is something that greatly excites me. Likewise I feel like my creative abilities are the tools of my dreams, they will be the definitive making of who I am, in which way I am yet to know, and they truly make me feel fully equipped to take on the world, and leave my mark on it in some way. I don't know if I'll ever feel like an artist, or accept the label that's given to me, but the recognition of others is something that I value immensely. And though my creations and creative abilities are both things I find incredibly fulfilling myself, the absolute pinnacle of everything I do, is when I get to use my creativity to make other's happy, make their world a little bit better, share with them the magical gift of creation and joy I too feel inside. Is there anything better?

Female Heroes

FEMALE HEROES

Throughout my teenage years, there have been particular female icons who've had a rather big influence on me, leaving an imprint upon both my life and the makings of who I am. Women I've come across that have inspired me in some way, struck a chord deep within me. Women I have strongly identified with, or who have made me feel like I belong in some kind of way, or who I aspire to be like. Who make me feel like somewhere across the world, is a person who is a leaving, breathing representation of something that is important to me, or on the converse, there was someone who once embodied something important to me. Finding people who you relate to in some way is quite a comforting notion, and I personally always find it makes me feel just that little bit more invincible than I did before. Just knowing that people like you, or people who embody something important to you, exist, is something I've always found does wonder for my inner happiness. Likewise it also inspires me to be myself, or strive to cultivate particular values or aspects within me, because other people are doing just that and absolutely killing it. Or it inspires me to be bolder, more adventurous, to dream without the limitations, to live the kind of life I want to lead and without restrictions. That kind of thing.

As I previously mentioned, there are particular female icons that provoke that special something within me. Icons that almost act like little markers upon my life, a stamp gathered along the way, a signpost appearing at certain avenues of my life to guide me as I proceed forwards, just like I suspect you have. People that resonate with you in some way, who make you want to fist pump the air when you hear their name, whose very existence is a reason for celebration, and probably always will do and be. Below I've collated an twelve point list of my own personal female heroes for you to peruse, along with a little explanation as to why they deserve hero status in my eyes, because I thought they deserved some recognition and gratitude. Us women are very skilled at bringing one another down. It's about time we celebrated the goodness and things we admire in one another instead, so with that, dear readers, it gives me immense pleasure to present to you my female heroes...

-All photographs are linked and accredited to their original source-

I JUST WANT TO PRAISE YOU...

001. TAVI GEVINSON

Tavi is the same age as me, and ever since I discovered her aged 13, when she attracted fame for dying her hair grey, I've always been somewhat dazzled and in awe of her. Until then I'd never really come across someone so proud to be who she was and so sure of herself too. Brave enough to push limits, make bold, proclaiming statements, go out there and take the world by storm. I'd never come across someone like Tavi, let alone someone my own age who was seemingly so different to anyone else I knew. Tavi was so unconventional, so individual, a go-getter, and within her I saw a lot of myself too. She made me realise that it's okay to do things a little differently, that there's another way to go about life that's just as amazing, if not better, that there were other people out there like me, that the world can be mine for the taking. In my younger teenage years, I always felt like I never fully identified with other girls my own age. I suspect it was because they were on that fast track to adulthood, whilst I was perfectly content enjoying my youth still, plus we had different values and ideas about what was important. But finding Tavi and her absolutely amazing Rookie empire was like finding exactly where I belonged. It was like breathing a sigh of pure relief and feeling complete and utter peace. For the first time ever I felt like I belonged, and I felt proud to be me, proud to be a girl, proud to be a teenager, and it was just incredible. Even now Tavi still inspires me, and still makes me feel like I'm not a lone, lost wildflower, but a wildflower rooted in a field of other wildflowers. Finding Tavi was one of the most important things to happen to me, and I don't even want to know who I would be now, had I not.

 

002. STEVIE NICKS

I've written (gushed) about how amazing Stevie is before, and once again I will proudly proclaim that to me, Stevie Nicks just is queen. In my eyes she is just incredible in every kind of way, and she's one of those people that I'm so happy is alive. Discovering Stevie for myself gave me such hope and relief. She's exactly the kind of woman that I aspire to be like. I call her a queen because I'm so flummoxed as to what other term could be as fitting. I love her creativity, her lyrical and musical expertise, the strength, power and prowess that she emits, her individuality and strong sense of self. I love how she's an avid supporter of girl power, demonstrating how we can be firecrackers blazing our paths upon the world, we can be a force to be reckoned with whilst simultaneously loving and supporting one another. I love how she's made her fair share of mistakes and can admit to every single one of them, likewise I admire how she's always picked herself up and made amends, fought back, never given up. I love her resilience, her wisdom, her insight, her artistry, her perspective on life, her honesty. Knowing that someone like Stevie is out there in the world right now, doing her thing, being the kind of person I want to be too, is a great comfort to me, and I hope that one day I will be just as kick ass as her. (And that one day I will meet her too #dreams, #punintended).

003. PATTI SMITH

I didn't know who Patti was till I randomly decided to read her hit book Just Kids one day, and my life seemingly changed forever. Another advocate of girl power, Patti is just a dream and I really do wish she was my best friend. I imagine I'd feel something beyond invincible, if she was. In Patti I see a lot of both myself in the present day, and a lot of who I want to be in the future. She's the perfect combination of the two, someone I resonate with so strongly, so discovering Patti was both a reassuring, inspiring relief, and also something of a guide as to what I can do to become even better. If I was to form a girl squad, Patti would be one of the key members. She's like the most fabulous force of nature. So strong yet so emotive and vulnerable, so creative, so inquisitive, so bold, so daring. The perfect contrast. I find her perception of the world so inspiring, she sees a beauty and honesty in it that I often see too, and I could sit and talk to her, or rather sit and have her talk to me, for an infinite number of hours. I just think she's fabulous, such a vivid inspiration.

004. TAYLOR SWIFT

Where do I even begin with Taylor? Aged 14 when I was looking to expand my musical horizons, and also secretly longing to find an artist that understood and could help me make sense of my hopeless teenage romanticism, I happened to hear Love Story on the radio. And with that, my world changed for the better, because through Love Story, I found Taylor Swift and her catalogue of beautiful music. To me, it was like finding the mouthpiece of my emotions. Taylor seemed to have felt every feeling I had felt, she seemed to perfectly understand and summarise the way I was feeling, in a way I just couldn't do for myself. Her musical style belonged to this exciting genre called Country, which till then I had never been exposed to, and she wrote so beautifully, accurately, honestly. Likewise Taylor herself was so positive, so kind hearted, so inspirational, a ray of sunshine and an anchor of hope within my life. Throughout my teenage years I would always, always turn to Taylor for guidance, reassurance and the musical equivalent of how I was feeling. It was almost like self-medicating with music, selecting the appropriate song depending on each crush or situation. I even decided to learn the guitar and tried to write my own songs too, just like Taylor. And as my relationship with love has progressed and matured, I still find that Taylor is the one artist I continually turn to and admire, and probably always will do.

005. BEYONCE

A female heroes list just wouldn't be right unless it had Beyonce on it. Beyonce is another queen in my life, just like Stevie Nicks, but even sassier and fierce, if that was even possible. I loved her when I was younger, with Crazy In Love naturally being an anthem of sorts. However throughout my teenage years, my fangirling went right through the roof. I've previously mentioned how I've always been resolutely single, and when I was a young, naive, awkward teenager, I used to feel so hung up about it. I always longed to feel empowered by my single status, not weighed down by it. Be that sassy independent woman who's happy on her own, not that sad, mopy, lonely girl hung up over boys. And with that, Beyonce became my inspiration. In my eyes, she was and still is the most perfect sassy, independent, empowered, fierce woman. The ultimate goal. And so I made it my aim to somehow leave awkward teenage me behind and embrace my inner Beyonce, wherever she may be hiding. Naturally becoming a sassy independent woman didn't happen till I actually reached adulthood and gained more experience and wisdom, but still, it happened. I became the person I always longed to be, and I still remember how glorious that realisation felt. Of course I still listen to Beyonce, whenever my sass levels dip, and recently I've really been into Destiny's Child too, so from now till forever more, all hail the sassy independent women, all hail indeed.

006. AUDREY HEPBURN

Audrey is someone who's magic and appeal I never really understood until I slowly began to discover her for myself, mostly through her quotes and photographs taken of her. I loved how wise and perceptive she seemed to be, and how she was such a natural beauty too. So graceful, so full of poise and elegance, so kind hearted, so caring. Her words inspired me to see the world differently, and her take on beauty inspired me to embrace who I am, and remember that beauty comes from within. However it was watching Audrey for the first time in 'A Roman Holiday'  when my adoration for her was truly cemented. Audrey was an absolute pinnacle, a glorious individual, someone so deserved of her. A true inspiration.

007. FRIDA KAHLO

I discovered Frida Kahlo though my A Level Art, and fell in love with her beautiful artwork and aesthetic. The colours, the flowers, the patterns, the infusion of Mexican culture, the hidden messages embedded within each painting. Her artistry has had a huge impact on my own artistry, and what inspires me as I draw. Likewise I greatly admire her courage, her bravery, her strength, her creativity, her legacy.

008. ADELE

I remember being utterly captivated by Adele when she sung 'Someone Like You' at the Brit Awards 2011. It rendered me speechless. Completely in awe. I've been lucky enough to see music live on many occasions, and yet it was watching Adele's live performance on TV that I first truly experienced that breathtaking awe and power of music. And ever since then I've remained somewhat in awe of Adele. I love the honesty and simplicity of her lyrics, as well as the emotion embedded within them. I love how she perfectly translates the ups and downs of life into musical form. I love her classic, elegant aesthetic, a nod to times gone by. I love the richness and power of her magnificent voice, which simply stuns people into silence as soon as she opens her mouth to sing. And on the converse, I love how down to earth Adele is. How she doesn't apologise for who she is, nor does she comply with the pressure to change who she is either. How as soon as the set finishes, a seemingly suppressed cackle is released, and a bubbly, buoyant, humble individual emerges with that trademark Cockney accent. How honest and real she is in interviews, almost as though she's an ordinary individual like you or me, not an insanely talented, worldwide superstar. It's like her stage presence is merely an intensified projection of who she really is. A persona seemingly cultivated by her music, almost like she feels the emotion and power so strongly within her,that it causes her to become someone else entirely. She's a modern day superstar, and I think she's bloody marvellous.

009. ALEXA CHUNG

Alexa is someone who I've always had a soft spot for, ever since way back in the day when one of my best friends used to point out the similarities between Alexa and myself. At the time I didn't really see it, and even now I still don't see how I could possibly compare to Alexa. She's just so cool and I most definitely am not. A lot of people diss Alexa but I've never understood why, and I feel like those who do diss her are definitely missing the point. I've always admired her unique, unapologetic, bold style, and the way she so effortlessly compiles the most perfect outfit combinations, with what I swear is a touch of magic. It always makes me want to be more creative and bolder with my own clothing choices. Likewise she's always been my hair inspiration, and I'd definitely be doing a Pinocchio if I said that I wasn't trying to channel Alexa when I gave myself a fringe this summer. Oh, and the fact that she dated my beloved Alex Turner from Arctic Monkeys is also another reason why I love Alexa- she has a fantastic taste in men.

010. LORDE

Lorde is another headstrong, sassy, fierce hero of mine. Again she's the same age as me, and seeing someone my own age be so sure of herself, who she is, her abilities, her talents, is something I find so inspiring. What she's managed to achieve is just incredible. And people try and bring her down yet she rises so valiantly above it and won't let anyone or anything compromise who she is and what she wants to do. Her aesthetic, her power, her aura is so damn fierce. Likewise her music is so kick ass and so unique. If Lorde has a girl squad at all, I definitely want to be a part of it. 

011. JENNIFER SAUNDERS

I thought that Jennifer was an absolute legend in Shrek 2, back in ye olde days, and similarly I thought she was a pure comedy gem on Ab Fab too. She's a constant comedy firecracker, fizzling with witty one liners, punchy jokes and she has a sense of humour that's dryer than the Sahara Desert. I love it. Jennifer is such a smart, fabulous, strong woman who knows how to hold her own, and does so with such magnificent prowess and confidence. A lot of people assume that women can't be funny, or aren't anywhere near as funny as men, yet Jennifer is a blazing example of how wrong that presumption is. And if all that wasn't enough, she beat cancer too, and fought it so courageously and valiantly. What a truly amazing woman.

012. BRIDGET JONES

I know Bridget is fictional, but oh my god you don't understand how much comfort I seek in Bridget Jones these days. The older I get, the more I seem to relate to Bridget and the more I seem to become her. Out of all these amazing female heroes I've listed, Bridget is my biggest female hero of all, because she gives me hope that people like me, big clumsy idiots that we are, will find a happy ending one day, and reminds me that I'm not alone. There are (hopefully) other people out there doing a big of a Bridget in their own lives too, or at least I bloody hope so!

Embracing My Spanish Heritage

EMBRACING MY SPANISH HERITAGE

Dear readers, as you can probably gage, this isn't a very Christmassy post, and if I'm being honest, I  shouldn't even be writing this post at all. In fact, I should be using this time to write about how Parkinson's Disease is diagnosed for my uni essay, but alas, I am throwing my caution way into the wind. Sam Smith is singing 'Have Yourself a Very Merry Christmas' on the radio as I write, and writing an essay two days before Christmas doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas to me, but writing an overdue blog post most certainly does. So here we are, a post about my Spanish Heritage. And why might I be writing about that, I hear you say. Well it's something that I've been thinking about a lot recently, so I thought I would externalise all those thoughts cascading around my mind, and write about something that has become increasingly important to me over the years (can you tell by my writing style that I'm currently in 'essay mode'?).

My Spanish heritage stems from my Mum's side of the family, as my Mum's Mum, aka my Nana, is a proud, fiery, sparkling Spaniard hailing from Galicia, on the north-west coast of Spain. Therefore my mum and my uncles are a half Spanish, whilst me and my cousins are a quarter Spanish. The fact that I'm a quarter Spanish is something that never really concerned me when I was growing up. I knew my Nana was Spanish, but I'd never viewed her in terms of her heritage or original culture. I knew she had a different accent, I knew she pronounced some words different to the way I did, I knew that she made amazing food I could never find anywhere else, I knew that sometimes when the phone rang and my Nana answered, she would talk rapidly in a different language to the person on the other end, and in the process, almost transformed into an entirely different person. I knew she was a bit different to everybody else's Nana, but that was as far as it went. I didn't realise that every time I saw my Nana, I was unknowingly being exposed to a different culture, a different heritage. I didn't realise that in my Nana, I was fortunate to have a special connection to another country and culture so different to my own. Silly as it sounds, I never thought of my Nana as Spanish, nor did I consider her Spanish origins or previous life in Spain. To me she was a hybrid of cultures, in a league of her own, and I guess I just took it all for granted, because she was and is my only Nana, so I never knew otherwise. And although I was aware that her being Spanish embedded some of that Spanish heritage into me too, I don't remember it ever being of particular importance to me. It was just the way things were.

All that began to change when I had to learn Spanish at secondary school. It started to open my eyes to Spain and my Spanish heritage, and started to shake that bell of recognition within my mind. Although I didn't really care for Spain or its language, nor did I particularly like being forced to learn Spanish against my will, I couldn't help but feel its relevance to me. It felt like I had a personal link to this language, that no-one else had. It was tied to me in some way. To everyone else it was merely another class they had to do, but to me it was not only that, but also a tentative gateway to part of my heritage that I had essentially ignored until then. This was the language that defined my Nana, this was the language that some of my ancestors communicated with, this language was something of great importance to what makes my family who we are. I still didn't really enjoy or particularly like learning Spanish at school, but when I had to choose between French or Spanish for my GCSE, although I was impartial to both languages, to go against Spanish, when part of my heritage was so closely bound to it, when I had a living, breathing native Spaniard within my immediate family, felt very, very wrong. There really was no choice in the matter. I simply had to choose Spanish. It was the only choice that felt right, and ultimately, that choice is what came to define a very important time of my life. It changed everything for me.

When I started learning Spanish at GCSE, I experienced a light bulb moment, when suddenly everything about the language just suddenly made sense to me, in a way that no language ever had before. I still remember that moment so vividly now, and it's something that has stayed with me ever since. I suddenly started to enjoy learning Spanish, shock horror, not only because I really, really enjoyed exploring the mechanics of the language, and because I could order a drink of coke and understand some of the menu whenever we went on holiday to Spain, but also because it was bringing me closer to my heritage and my Nana. I felt more in touch with both those things, than I had ever done in my life, and strange as it sounds, it was quite a liberating experience. My Nana has never explicitly said it, but I think that she's always been very relieved, and secretly a bit proud, that I chose to learn Spanish both at GCSE and at A Level. It's definitely brought us closer together, and strengthened my relationship with not only my Nana, but my Grandad too (he's an avid learner of Spanish too). And I love how my choice to connect with my heritage means so much to my Nana, likewise I love how it makes me feel so much more in touch with my origins, which compose a quarter of my being. When I look across my family, and the nine of us that are lucky enough to have a segment of Spain embedded within us, only me and one of my uncles have chosen to fully embrace and connect with it. Currently only two of us have allowed it to become an important part of who we are, and allowed it to become an important defining factor of our lives, but even then, the Spanish heritage that threads through our family still remains evident, and so beautifully ties our family together.

For me personally, when I look back over my teenage years, my encounters with the Spanish culture have always been very definitive. Alongside learning the language, visiting Spain for myself, and also meeting numerous Spanish people, including my two Spanish teachers and friends from my Spanish exchange, were all very influential experiences. When I was growing up, I really struggled to find my identity and who I was. Though I was and still am very proud of my English heritage and culture, I never fully identify with it. It never felt fitting enough. There was a part of me that my English heritage and culture just couldn't account for, and solely subscribing to it in turn made me feel very distinctively average, and also rather lost. It was like I was always searching for that something else to define me, or unlock the potential I felt was buried deep within me. Being 100% English through and through just didn't seem to bring out the best in me. But it was when I had increasing exposure to my Spanish heritage, that I felt I truly came to life, and like I was connecting with a very important component of who I am. It was like I had some Spanish left in me from generations past, and I needed the Spanish influences in my life to help nurture it and grow it, because as it turns out, it would ultimately form a very essential, core part of who I am. What I find in the Spanish culture, and Spaniards I've met, the solace I find, the things I identify with, are all things I could never find in the English culture and my English origins. There's just something about Spain that gives me a very strong sense of belonging and comfort, and embracing the Spanish within me helped me finally come into my own and set myself free.

For example, discovering Dolce & Gabbana, who actively celebrate the Italian/ Spanish aesthetic, and looking to the Spanish women I've met or see in the media: the way they dress, the way they present and carry themselves, the way they encapsulate their beauty, their prowess and fierceness... I identify with it all so much more than I do with my English counterparts. They're the kind of women that I want to be too, and because of my Spanish link, I feel like I am one of those women, or I at least have the potential to be. My Spanish heritage makes me feel so connected to it all; it was and still is like a lifeline, a passport, to another world, a licence to explore that important 25% of who I am. Embracing my Spanish heritage helped me to celebrate my own aesthetic, and feel comfortable in my own skin for the first time ever. It made me glad that I look the way I do, and feel confident in myself and what I believe in. Likewise continuing to maintain my link with the Spanish culture through their music, books, magazines, fashion, art, food, language, culture, talking to my Spanish friends, the country itself, talking to my Nana about her life in Spain and learning all I can... it all helps to fuel the fire and keep that link alive.

As I've harped on about this entire post, embracing my Spanish heritage is something I believe truly was the making of me, and I suspect will continue to define me as I complete my transition into womanhood. I can't stress to you how proud and grateful I am, that I've been lucky enough to have my origins stem from this beautiful, amazing country, as well as my beloved England, and that I can identify so vividly with both cultures. I'm so lucky that my link with Spain makes me part of who I am, and that I will always have this tie that no-one can ever take away from me. And although people are often surprised that I'm a quarter Spanish, because I don't often look it, I don't even mind because I can feel my Spanish blood pulsing through my veins, and that's all that matters to me.

When Time Is Fleeting

WHEN TIME IS FLEETING

I mentioned in my previous post ten days ago (gasp, shock, horror- not posting regularly feels so wrong to me now!) how I was on the cusp of a very busy few weeks, having already just come out of an equally busy week already. I don't understand why I'm busy, or how it's come to be that I have so much on right now, as Christmas looms precariously close upon the horizon, but somehow it's happened. Life has ramped itself up even further than before. And honestly, although I feel like my brain is about to explode, because there's so many little things I need to think about and do, and prioritising it all is a mighty old task, I really am loving it. As someone who finds it impossible to sit still (I'm the one drawing pretty pictures whilst chatting on the phone, reading a book whilst simultaneously watching a film, updating my Instagram whilst jotting down lecture notes) being busy is something that I thrive off. Though does it do my already over-active mind any good? Probably not. However I love feeling that I'm really getting the most out of my life, and truly living it to the fullest. 

When I was younger, I used to think I was living life to the full. Surely this had to be it, for what more could I do to live any fuller? Yet I still always felt that inkling of dissatisfaction. Fast forward a few years, and suddenly I completely understand it all. I can confidently say that I know how to live life to the full, because that's exactly what I'm doing right now. I get the absolute most out of every day, and it's wonderful when I go to bed, knowing that although I'm crazy tired, I've accomplished and done so much. Sometimes, my days are so full that when the end of the day comes, it feels like I've lived two days in one. The start and the end feel so far apart. Actively doing things in my life has been something of a lifeline for me, because it's helped to satisfy the over-active part of my mind that thrives of productivity, as does it make me incredibly happy, make my life seem a lot more fulfilling and purposeful, and it's helped me to elevate myself out of a sticky little rut I'd been stuck in for so long. It's helped me move from who I was, to who I want to be. It's almost as though I've been busily building my escape route to happiness and fulfilment, and it's helped me to reach a really good place. A really good place indeed.

So as a little nod of the head to all that, and to also give you dear readers a little taste of what I've been up to the last few weeks, I got up early this morning, beat my housemate to the shower, and then started compiling this post, full of photographs and little sentence to share with you. A memento to add to the collection. I hope you like flicking through the photos, and I hope that you too are enjoying the little joys within your own life. And I also really hope that you are listening to Christmas songs everyday and dutifully wearing your Christmas jumper wherever you go, from now until December 25th.

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-MEMORIES-

Tagged along with the wonderful UoM Dance Society to watch the Northern Ballet School's absolutely INCREDIBLE performance of the beautiful ballet 'Giselle'

Went to Moose Coffee on Manchester's New York Street for the first time, after wanting to go for so long, and had this bad boy and unfortunately didn't finish it

We had our course year Christmas Meal at a nice Indian place in town called Scene. Almost everybody made it, which was really nice as we don't normally do lots together in our year group. Was a lovely way to end the year with the best coursemates one could ever wish to have

My family finally made it up to Manchester this last weekend to see me, after not being able to come all semester. It was a really lovely, lovely day and I was over the moon to see them all again, as was I so grateful that they had made the effort to travel up to see me. And even though it rained heavily near enough all day, it didn't manage to dampen our very happy spirits :) :) :)

Tried my first ever mulled wine, which my friend bought two bottles of from Lidl, and it was just beautiful. So delicious. A moment I'll never forget, and the perfect accompaniment on a cold winter night

Did my last radio show of the year on Fuse FM, and it was a super cosy, lovely show. My friends came in with me, and one did some very... contemporary music in the form of munching her carrot into the microphone live on air. I also played some of my favourite songs, squeezed in a few Christmas songs, dimmed the lights so that the dashboard lit up, and just enjoyed myself very, very much. If you want to listen back, just scroll through here till you find The Melting Pot.

Randomly, at a house party a few weeks ago, I got talking to a girl who is literally my twin, we are absolutely crazy alike. So last week we met up for pudding at Wetherspoons near where we live, and had a good old chit chat for a good few hours, and it was a really nice evening.

At the start of this week we had our house Christmas meal, which was a mighty success with everybody doing their bit as we sang along to Christmas songs. We started with cheese fondue and bread, had a big ass, delicious typical Chrimbo main course, and finished with apple cake, chocolate cake, mulled wine and watched Frozen and Friends as well.

Last night me and two of my best friends from home met up for the cutest Christmas evening ever. We had curry (my second of the day) and ate mince pies, and the most delicious rocky roads courtesy of my multi-talented friend, who I swear is an angel sent down from heaven. It was all topped of with a good old chit chat, a cup of tea and watching the heart warming Love Actually. A truly perfect evening.

Went to the craziest house party in this huge house, saw some friends from home there, and found a room with the craziest, most amazing balloon ceiling. Top night.

Finally made it to the brilliant, crazy big Christmas Markets in Manchester, where I obviously had strudel, as always.

Our friend came up for her 21st birthday, so we all went out to Factory and had the most random night ever, which included dancing with the best male dancers I've ever seen (those slut drops!), walking home in the pouring rain, losing our friend somewhere in Manchester, ordering take out at 5 in the morning and staying up chatting in our pyjamas till 6.

Another curry, this time from the curry mile. Again, another lovely and extremely filling evening!

Found more beautiful fairy lights in Manchester. They're everywhere right now, and as you can imagine, I'm very much in heaven. Beautiful lights make my soul very, very happy indeed.

Found my way to Gelato Passion again, and had the usual Nutella waffle with banana. This time it was with the wonderful UoM Blog Society (oi oi), for which I am Social Sec, and although the turn out wasn't massive, I still had such a fabulous time and it was great getting to know everyone better, and obvs the food was a big, big plus

This last week I had the privilege of sitting in the Home MCR Sketchomatic booth, being an artist in residency with the chance to draw quick 5 minute portraits of the public, from behind a one way screen. They would sit and smile, just like in a normal photo booth, and I had to draw them super quick, and turn an arrow so they could see how long was left to go. When I was done, I had to blow the image through a chute with a hairdryer, for them to collect, and if they were happy with the result, they could donate a pound or two through a little hole for me to collect. It was hands down one of the best things I have ever done. I loved every minute of it, and I feel so blessed that I got the chance to take part in it. It was simply amazing. So, so wonderful.

Had a day full of Christmas shopping and a nice coffee and cake break at Ziferblat in town with my friend from home and her housemate. Was super duper lovely :)

Tom Craig

TOM CRAIG

Next week I am super crazy busy, or at least that's what it feels like. A lot of things going on in this seemingly rapid run up to Christmas. So with the new found me being very proactive and organised, I thought I'd account for the lack of blogging time I will have next week, by writing a lovely little quick post for you dear readers tonight. In theory I should be starting to write the 3,000 word essay I've been tasked to do over the festive period (oh the joys!), but that didn't happen. Instead I've spent all my time trawling through realms and realms of photographs by the acclaimed British photographer Tom Craig. And as you can probably imagine, I absolutely do not regret this decision because the happiness I feel right now, purely due to looking through these beautiful, beautiful photos, is immense. I'm currently in the mental escape that is my happy place, lounging on a hammock drinking pina coladas and it's great. I adore it when a creative medium does that to you, when it hits that special place in your soul like a dart to a bullseye, and unleashes that feeling of utter content and blissfulness. Amazing.

And amazing is definitely the right word to label Tom Craig too. Originally born in the stunning Cornwall, and now residing in London, Tom has worked for everyone from Vanity Fair, Vogue, Esquire, The Sunday Times, Louis Vuitton, Alice Temperley. Mr Porter and The Independent. His subject matters are varied and diverse, ranging from documenting worldwide conflict to serene high fashion shoots, however irrespective of the focal point in front of his camera lens, Tom always seems to put a very unique, alerting and aesthetic spin on things, something that is consistently infused in his entire body of work. His work, to put it quite simply, is a dream. When I look through his portfolio, the one thing that flashes prominently in my mind is that this is the work of a real photographer. Anybody can take a photograph these days. Photography is accessible to millions, whereas it once was only the tool of a select chosen few, and we're so overwhelmed with photography of a surprisingly high standard, that it becomes hard to distinguish talent from ability. Who is purely taking a photo. Who is using the camera for purposes seemingly beyond that. Who is focusing on the superficial. Who is focusing on the hidden depth. Who is using the camera to capture the world before their eyes. Who is using the camera to capture the world in a way that hasn't been seen before. 

When I look at Tom's work, I see pure talent in its finest, most richest form. Someone who is seemingly at one with their chosen form of expression, the photographer and his camera combined as one extensive body. Someone who understands and can beautifully and cleverly manipulate colour, texture, architecture, the human form, posture, alignment, light, shadow, contrast, focus and meld it all together in such a breathtakingly stunning way. I've always maintained that my favourite photographers are those who can capture the world in its most wonderful, dream like, beautiful, vivid way. The kind of photographers whose work makes you happy to be alive and living in a world like this. The kind of photographers whose work makes you want to chase that dream, that fantasy. Enrol on an infinite pursuit to find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or that seemingly magic fantasy land in front of the photographers lens. Tom Craig is most certainly one of those special people, and I hope you enjoy his stunning work as much as I do.

You can view more of Tom's beautiful photography here.

All photography featured belongs to Tom Craig & is linked to its original source.

http://www.clmus.com/photography/tom-craig/fashion