Looking After Myself

LOOKING AFTER MYSELF 

When I was in my teenage years, I always used to assume that by the time I reached my twenties, I would be a fully functioning, competent adult.

And I definitely thought I would've gotten the hang of one very important thing: looking after myself.

Therefore, one of the greatest surprises of turning 18, 19, 20, then 21, and 22 next year, is that these things don't just happen overnight. They aren't just a given. Who you are doesn't magically transform. The insecurities remain. The questionable personality traits remain. The beliefs, attitudes and values remain. The person inside remains. The child within you still pops up to say hello. Yet the context around you changes. And somehow, you have to find a way of fitting into this new world that is asking you to be someone you've not quite transformed into yet.

Adulting is hard. 

And one of the most difficult things I've encountered, is the looking after myself part. 

I'm a naturally anxious person, so that tends to rear its head on a daily basis. Then there's the love of cheese, wine, sticky toffee pudding, potato waffles etc. which makes the neurones in my brain go wild with excitement. My self esteem is eternally stuck on an endless roller coaster of ups and downs, so some days I feel like the best person in the whole entire world, and others I feel like I will never be good enough for anything or anyone. I can be sensitive. I can be impulsive (like that random Sunday afternoon where I bought a drum). I find it hard to chill out.

I wake up in the morning and gormlessly scroll through Instagram. My posture is stuck somewhere between a chimp and a sloth. I forget to check my bank account and make sure I have enough to pay my rent. I end up in A&E because I think the antibiotics are meant to make my infected finger become more swollen. I end up spending a weekend in Lancaster without money, ID, student card, bank cards, my Brownie Points loyalty card, because I was too preoccupied with buying my egg and sausage McMuffin and my purse got nicked. I keep drinking milk even though it makes my tummy funny every morning. I vary between being a stingy and excessive spender. I get too conscious about my dry skin. And worst of all, I still pick my spots.

Sure all these things make me me, and I know I'm not going to have nailed being an adult just yet, but the difficulty is, I am now responsible for all these things. These are all my choices. Nobody else's. And that means I am ultimately responsible for my own wellbeing, something I've always struggled with. And I'm not afraid to admit that that scares me.

But this year has been a good year, a very good year, because it has made me realise that, not only should I take looking after myself more seriously, I am also capable of doing that, and I get better at it with every passing day, month, year. I am listening to my body and being kinder to it. I am trying to help my mind be a health, happy, relaxed place. I eat relatively ok. I do exercise. I'm trying to get better a opening up, apologising for my mistakes, treating myself, taking a break, and putting things into perspective. I'm trying to fight my corner, be nice to myself, and trust that I can do anything and everything that I set my mind to. And even though I don't always get this adulting thing right, and some days I just love a good argument, a pity party, or the chance to unleash my inner child, when I look at my life as a whole, I don't think I'm doing too badly.

And as a new year dawns, and more milestones are ticked, changes are made, and new unknown awaits with many a story to tell, I want 2018 to be the year when I start looking after myself properly. Intertwine all those separate little strands together, so that I give myself the best chance of being happy, healthy, content, and ready to take on this great adventure with a spring in my step and sparkle in my eye. 2017, a little firecracker of a year, was all about the new, it was all about big changes, and it was all about the bigger picture. And I'm hoping 2018 will be about making the most of the present, and every single day that comes my way, championing myself, creating small but meaningful changes, and focusing on what matters most of all:

Happiness. Friendship. Love. Resilience. Health. Positivity. And not loosing my bloody purse in McDonalds. 

Happy New Year folks!

What I've Learnt: 2017

WHAT I'VE LEARNT: 2017

This year has been a strange but wonderful year for me. 

 So much is new. So much is unexpected. So much has been learnt. 

I have had such a brilliant time, and part of me is wondering where the year went. More than ever, I want to hold onto this year, because next year is when things change all over again. Regardless of what happens, or where I end up, what I want more than anything is to land on my feet. I want stability, some familiarity, a green light. Go. But I guess only time will tell.

Meanwhile, back to 2017, of course there have been the usual iffy moments. We all get our fair share. But this year, I've noticed they've been more focused and intense, rather than lots of little regular episodes. Is it me? Is it circumstance? I don't know, but I think I prefer it this way. My mind is happy most of the time, I feel more in control of my mental health and well-being, almost like I can decide which way the tide turns, whether the sun shines, how long the rain has to fall.

And of course, alongside the iffy moments, there have been lots and lots of joyful moments, a new harvest of memories to add to the burgeoning collection. Earlier today I was thinking about what my life will be like 10 years from now, and how I'll feel when I look back at these times. Even though I don't know what my future holds, I just know that I will always cherish these university years. What a wonderful chapter to add to my life, the story of me. How lucky I have been.

But likewise, great as this chapter has been, and despite being better than I ever could have dreamed, I'm hoping that it is not my Golden Age. 

I know it's unlikely things will ever be this good again, but I'm hopeful that my life will evolve into another kind of good, another kind of happiness, in the years to come. Maybe not as heightened or intense, but just as fulfilling, adventurous and magical. So with that, here are the most important things 2017 has taught me, and which I hope to carry through as another chapter dawns and a new sun rises.

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LESSONS:

001. Say yes to the opportunities that come your way, or make them yourself.

002. When it comes to love, take matters into your own hands. Forget about the rules. Create your own happiness.

003. Cherish the people you love. See them, talk to them, hug them, as much as you can, because one day you will realise that they aren't going to be here forever. Our time is limited, so make the most of it.

004. Remember to take a step back and see the bigger picture. 

005. Work is important, but it is not the most important thing. 

006. Relaxation is just as crucial as eating, sleeping, breathing, drinking, so don't feel bad for doing it. 

007. Always make time for your friends, value each person and what they bring to your life, and remember the best people will never leave you.

008. Apologise for and accept your mistakes, and then do what you can to learn from them.

009. Be kind to people.

010. Volunteer when you can- even an hour of your time can make such a huge difference to someone else's life.

011. Trust that you will cross that finish line, and in the mean time, enjoy the ride.

012. An egg & sausage McMuffin, and taking a selfie with it, is not worth losing your purse over

013. Compromise.

014. Nip that finger infection in the bud, before your finger balloons to the size of a golf ball.

015. Believe in yourself and your worth because no-one else will, and most of all, be resilient (because you might just end up as captain of a sports team, or getting that summer job). 

016. Don't go to bed without resolving an argument- sort it out as soon as you can and move on.

017. Get a waterproof bag.

018. It's ok to dwell and not feel good, but keep pushing yourself back up and fighting back.

019. A relationship is not always easy, but the right person is worth all the hard times a million times over. 

020. Butternut squash, homemade bread, bean burgers, mulled wine, Crazy Pedro's pizza, rosemary cheese and seasalt toasties, halloumi fries, tequila= all amazing

021. Let your guard down and open up.

022. Be someone that people can trust and talk to. 

023. Treat yourself.

024. Don't let your sister cut your hair.