Shifting

SHIFTING

In the last couple of weeks or so, my life has felt like it's changing in these subtle but significant ways. The word I feel best describes it, is shifting, because that subtlety is so small and fragmental, incremental, tentative, and it feels like I keep edging towards something more, something bigger, something substantial. It's almost like I can feel that movement, that nudge, and the pause that follows before another nudge happens and moves me forwards yet again. It's a really peculiar feeling. In life I always anticipate these changes and expect them to happen, but the difference is I expect to know when something will change, and that I will then be able to plot it, prepare for it, have some degree of control over it. But lately it feels like I've been bumped over to the passenger seat, and I'm just receiving change after little change, causing my life to keep shifting forwards. I'm not sure if I like the feeling or not, but conversely, part of me is quite enjoying surrendering control for once.

I know I haven't written much lately, but that's mainly because these shifts are moments in life that I really want to be present for. I feel this compelling need to be right there, contained within the very heart of everything. To be a passive bystander somehow doesn't feel right, nor does having one foot in and one foot out. When these shifts happen, I know they are happening for a reason, and I might not know the answer yet, but one day I will. And till that day comes, I want to enjoy these moments as they happen to me. And I want to try to figure out the reason so that I'm ready for the next shift, whenever it should happen.

There have been shifts that make me realise the road ahead is going to be difficult, bumpy, unpredictable and sad at times, and that some of the things I have feared are likely to happen. There have been shifts that make me realise that whatever does happen in the future, I am part of such a strong, loving, tight support network, and that together we can get through absolutely anything. There have been shifts that have felt enlightening and life changing, such as discovering the voice of logic and reason, and having it tell me that it's time to stop reacting in these silly ways I do, stop with those destructive and pitiful automatic behaviours, stop being so damn hard on myself. It's time for a new way of thinking, doing, being. There have been shifts that made me realise I am not perfect, and that instead I have strengths and weaknesses, things to work on, things to do more of, and that this is a good thing. A really good thing.

There have been shifts that have helped me to open up, soften, and be fearless, brave, impulsive. There have been shifts that have changed the way I feel inside, and taken me to realms and wonders and magic that I never knew existed. There have been shifts that have brought me closer to people, and helped me to better understand and know who they are. There have been shifts that have helped me to better understand what I want to do in life, what interests me most, what piques my curiosity and sparks something inside me, and I'm starting to feel like I know which path I should go down. There have been shifts that have prompted me to reach out at particular times to particular people. There have been shifts that made me realise I'm not alone anymore. There have been shifts in the way I now understand the world, and how it works, and I've realised there is no logic- it's all just cosmic and unpredictable and mysterious and somehow always right.

There have been shifts that have made me realise my potential and power to evoke change, whether for myself or others. There have been shifts that have helped me to better respect and empathise and embrace diversity, and really appreciate the fact that we are all just human at the end of the day. There have been shifts in my inner voice, and what it tells me, and I'm trying really hard to help myself, be kind to myself, be my own biggest motivator and supporter. There have been shifts that just feel instinctive and right and telling and meant to be. There have been shifts that made me realise everything, and I mean everything, in my life has happened for a reason, and is happening for a reason, and that it all had to happen that way, almost like the stars aligning perfectly in the sky, for a reason. There have been shifts that have closed old wounds. There have been shifts that make me feel like I don't need to worry so much anymore, or be so anxious about everything, and that there isn't much I can do about the future, but there is so much I can do right here in the present, every single day I wake up and have a new day in front of me. 

So many things have stayed the same, yet so many things have also changed. And it sounds like that change is monumental, when it's all written down like that. But I promise you it isn't. Significant, yes, but also so very, very subtle, like an undercurrent of electricity that keeps surging and sparkling every now and again. And this week alone I have felt every feeling under the sun, from good to bad, to all those different shades along the spectrum. And I have wondered. I have tried not to wonder. I have felt. I have fought on. I have gotten myself through it all. And I just keep on moving forwards. The shifts keep on coming, and I know they will stop at some point, or then again, maybe they never will, maybe they never do. Maybe it's just that right now, at this time in my life, I'm more perceptive and aware of them. Who knows. But what I do know, is that in spite of the hardships, struggles, and difficulty that I have faced, do face, and will face, today, right here in the present moment, I feel so happy, alive, loved and whole. And that is enough. That is everything.