GETTING OVER WHAT NEVER WAS
I wanted to write about this subject dear readers, because it is something that has basically been the bane of my life since I realised, at the age of 11, that boys were actually somewhat attractive. You all probably know by now that I've never had a boyfriend (cue Bridget Jones singing All By Myself) because I harp on about it enough on here. I'm very happy and content with being single, and so aside from that, why I've never been in a relationship before is down to a multitude of reasons which I fully accept, acknowledge and respect. So that's not really the problem. As one of those 'everything happens for a reason' types, as you can imagine once I find my reason, I'm largely satisfied. When 'why' has an answer, then that's all well and good. The difficulty, however, comes when you realise that you now have to accept and get over what never was. Every guy I've ever liked in my life so far, has basically been a 'never was'. But with 90% of them, I knew the reason why, as did I manage to to accept that it just wasn't going to happen. It wasn't meant to be. And in hindsight, I was actually rather glad. So even though teenage me responded very dramatically at the time (scathing diary entries, woeful diary entries, writing songs about all those love of my lifes in a Taylor Swift like manner complete with accompanying chords in D,G or C), she got off her high horse, brushed herself down and carried on in pursuit of what might be awaiting next. And that was great.
The problem came with that remaining 10%. The 10% with whom nothing ever happened, in spite of the fact that 1) I really wanted it to and 2) I thought it should have, could have, would have. They are the people who have got me in a right old spin and got my knickers in a twist. And if I said that it was all alright, not that much of a problem, well then my nose would be as long as Peter Crouch and I would definitely be on fire. And that would be because these people are very hard to forget, and very hard to get closure with. I think that as I've gotten older, and I'm more aware of what I need and what I'm looking for, I seem to have gotten better at filtering out the people I want in my life and think would be good for me. So that's great because I don't waste my time and energy like I used to, and it means I'm only really interested in people I can actually see myself with, in some shape or form. What's not so great, is that when you're swooning for people you're actually serious about, and who you care for and would actually rather like to stay in your life for a while longer, losing them for whatever reason is much, much harder to deal with. When you can envisage this person in your life, in your future, to have them fall of the face of the earth, turn you down, friendzone you, move away, disappear suddenly, is pretty, well, shite. It also leaves you in a nice little rut which can be rather difficult to get out of. What a bonus eh?
So what are you supposed to do when it happens? More recently in my life, the loss has felt devastating at first. When love is so hopeful and optimistic, especially at the beginning, and you feel like you're walking on clouds and the sun is always shining, and you want to sing a la Julie in Sound of Music, harsh cynical reality with all it's devious twists and turns can be alarming and destructive and cruel. It's like having the rug pulled from under you. It's like getting the wrong train and realising too late. It's like missing that very precise bus you needed to catch. It's like dressing for the sunshine, only to end up caught in a thunderstorm. It's that thing that you never really see coming. The alternative that you never really anticipated, because you didn't think you needed to. Love is often all or nothing, and you can't get very far until you jump right into the deep end and give it your all. I've never known what it's like to actually lose someone you were once in a relationship with, but I can't help but wonder if it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have that chance to love at all. When you had something, but you lost it, didn't work out, whatever the reason, at least you have the comfort of knowing what it was like. You have memories, experiences, connections. You wondered and you dreamed, and your dream came true. You know what it was like to be with that person you cared about and loved. You often know why it went wrong, why it ended, what you did, what they did. You can find answers. You know.
However to lose something that never ended up happening means you never know. You often don't ever get that closure. You don't know how that other person felt. You don't know the reasons why. You don't know what it would have been like, what could have been, even if it all would have just gone tits up anyway. You don't know that other person in the way you wanted to. You don't know if you've lost the best thing that could have ever happened to you. You don't get answers, which makes it harder to understand and accept. There's a lot of unknowns, a lot of unfulfilment, a lot of wondering and fantasising, a lot of clutching at straws. I guess in some ways the not knowing should make it easier because in theory you have nothing to miss. You don't know, so how can you miss something you've never known? And that's right. It's the fact you never knew it to begin with that's the pesky little problem.
As a person, I already find it hard enough to accept things that never were. I'm not saying I can't do it, because often I find it within me to accept it and move on as best I can. And sometimes I really do just move on, and it's really great. But let's bear in mind here that this is the girl who had a massive tantrum in a French supermarket, aged 2, because she wanted to buy some rabbit meat but Mum said no. When I have my heart set on something, I can be somewhat reluctant to let it go, although luckily the pining is introverted now, not extroverted. You won't see me throwing a tantrum on the floor because that guy I liked turned me down or vanished into thin air. Babe I got this. Don't worry. For me personally, it's the internal conflict I struggle with most. I frequently yearn for answers and closure. Even years after, I will be on a bus, on a train, on a dancefloor, in a lecture, and I will wonder about that person and what could have happened, if things had been different. Some days I feel hopeless and so sorry for myself. Sometimes I have to conduct an emergency Adele singing session, with my no1 choice being the aptly named Someone Like You. I can go for long periods of time where it's all cool, everything's fine, I'm loving life, feeling like I'm queen of the world. Then something will trigger a memory, a feeling, and bam, there I am wondering all over again.
I'm a very inquisitive person, and I like to know why. Or make that I need to know why, in order to help me understand. As I have never gotten those answers, I have had to come to a lot of my own conclusions, good and bad, yet the nagging feeling that it still may not be right, is always there. I'll freely admit that I envy those who dance and twirl throughout life without a care or worry or regret. Those lovely lot who can say 'oh well' and carry on towards the future, leaving the wreckage and unfinished chapters of their past behind. I want to be that person so bad it can sometimes physically hurt. That aching, longing in your heart for your mind to please just let go and move on for good. It's tiring, exhausting, and completely unneeded. The wondering when it will all be over. The fear that you'll get married, have kids, get old, and still always wonder what if. The persistent certainty that this was the one and this was definitely supposed to happen so why has it not and no-one else will ever compare and what if I never find someone else like this ever again and I'm going to be a tragic spinster who will never ever love anyone else, as a proclamation of my undying love and devotion. It drives me nuts. It really does.
The weird thing is though, many of us have actually experienced those almost-but-not-quite's (ABNQ). For a long, long time, until very recently in fact, I thought it was just me. I'd look at people and think they just did not understand what it was like. They couldn't. It's only me who's unlucky and all aloney on my owney and can't find someone who wants to stay and knows what it's like to lose out right before you cross that finishing line. How could anyone else possibly understand the feeling? Well it turns out most people do, and most people have an almost-but-not-quite to their name. Even those happy loved up couples might have a secret lock in their heart where an unrequited or unfulfilled love still resides. I'm not alone. You're not alone. There's a whole country's worth of us out there pining away and trying to move on, sometimes succeeding, sometimes having to accept that it's probably always going to be there like that pesky eyebrow hair that grows in a different direction to all the others.
For me, finding out that I'm not the only one has been somewhat cathartic. That other people can share in this experience with me is actually rather helpful. It makes me believe we can get through our own personal battles. Strength in numbers and all that. And the fact that the other person, the one that 'got away' may also find themselves wondering what could have been, may also be experiencing this maddening internal conflict, is something we don't even think to consider because embarrassingly we're too absorbed in our own self-pity. When I think about the guy who I miss the most, my most important almost-but-not-quite, to think that he too might sometimes wonder about what could have been, makes me feel a lot less stupid and actually a lot more accepting of our fate. The whole convincing yourself it's only you chick, you little loser you, is unsurprisingly, not very good for your mental health and it only makes matters worse. So even if you think it's just you, remember, there's practically a 9/10 chance that you aren't alone. And I think that's pretty nice.
As for what else we can do to help ourselves, well lo and behold, there's actually lots of things:
1) If you can handle seeing your ABNQ on social media and things went tits up in an amicable way, be friends with your ABNQ. It makes it feel like you're still connected in some way and it can be nice to see what they're up to, and that they're doing well. And if you're really brave, and still friends with your ABNQ, catch up with them now and again at group gatherings or informal places like McD's.
2) If you can't handle seeing your ABNQ, just block them or even unfriend them, and don't text, call or meet up with them anymore. Sometimes that clean break is exactly what the doctor ordered.
3) If you're brave enough, why not try contacting them and asking them those questions that are bothering you most of all. Sometimes you just need that one answer which helps everything to suddenly make sense.
4) Try and avoid reading old texts, diary entries etc. cos not helpful innit.
5) Be nice to them if you still have to see them, be the bigger person and all that.
6) If you feel a nice cringey memory coming on, stop it in its tracks, shake your head and laugh cos all you were doing was living your life and there ain't nothing wrong with that.
7) If you feel a cute, special, favourite moment coming on, either allow yourself to appreciate how nice it was, and how lucky you were to experience it, or send it away and think about something happening to you in the present. Retrain your brain to focus on the here and now.
8) Think about all the great things that you gained from the experience (trust me, there will be something!), and how it changed you for the better. These are the gifts that you're left with. Yours and no-one else's. So keep them close and use them. That way you've gained something, even if it isn't the thing you were hoping to!
9) Make sure you also pay some attention to the not so great things that happened. It's a healthy dose of reality, a reminder that nobody is perfect and that this wasn't the perfect fairytale in waiting that you might have thought it was.
10) Sing sad, mopey songs (you can channel the emotion into them now- remember Adele crying at the Brits 2011 when she sung Someone Like You and now she's a trillionaire).
11) Sing happy, sassy, positive songs (eg. Backstreet Boys, Take That, Beyonce, Boyzone- can't help but feel like there's a common theme here)
12) Splurge to someone about how you feel. Tell them your story, your fears, your hopes. Sometimes you just need someone to listen and understand and tell you how amazing you are.
13) LOOK AFTER YOURSELF. Don't sacrifice yourself to a life lying face down in the gutter. You've been hurt, so now you need some love and attention, and who better to give that to you, than you? So eat well, do exercise, do things that make your heart and soul happy, surround yourself with good caring people, treat yourself, be kind to yourself.
14) Turn the feelings into a song, a story, a blog post, advice, a picture, motivation to achieve something important to you.
15) Respect and accept their wishes and feelings. They're a human with feelings, hopes, dreams just like you. The way they feel is not always a reflection on you. So be mature, act with dignity, grace. Do yourself proud, you amazing human being.
16) See what answers you can find for yourself, but don't get sucked into it. Don't beat yourself up over it. If you start getting stressy and emotional and woe is me, just stop what you're doing, take a deep breath, imagine all your cares and stresses and feels are a cannon ball and feel it drop away from you. As Elsa would say 'Let It Go'. It can really help.
And what I think is most important: remember that things happen for a reason, and what will be will be. If it wasn't meant to be, well then congratulations babycakes there's another amazing human out there with your name written all over their heart. This is a stop in the road. A new building brick in the structure of who you are. A learning curve shooting you up to your next destination. And if it was meant to be, remember only time will tell. In the mean time you've got some living to do my friend. The union of two people is like a fine-tuned chemical reaction. Lots of variables need to be accounted for and set to just the right parameter in order for that spectacular reaction to happen. It takes time, patience, mistakes, learning. Sometimes you just need to wait a while longer. But whatever happens next, remember life is a funny old thing. It will bite you in the bum and soar you to the stars. It will conduct a thunderstorm to fall upon your head and then wash it away with endless blue skies and sunshine. It's unpredictable and it's beautiful, and I have the strangest conviction that life is an orchestra and someone's the conductor and we might not know or like the tune being played, but the beauty of the whole thing is there's a world of possibility out there. Anything can happen. Anything can change. Just wait and see.
