LIFE AFTER UNI
Believe it or not, dear readers, this is my third time trying to write this post.
The first time, I was feeling a bit sad. I'd just moved back home, and the stark contrast to the life I had literally just been living in the days, weeks before, had hit me all at once. I remember it was a Friday night that it happened, and I had my first big cry, alone in my room, after going out for dinner with my parents.
I cried like there was no tomorrow. I was devastated.
So I decided to write about my feelings, and when I went to write this post, my aim was to write about the reality of life after uni, focusing mostly on the not so good things. The things no-one really warns you about when you sign up to the whole uni experience.
But you know what, I found I couldn't do it, because half way through writing, I realised life after uni wasn't all that bad. There were good things too.
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So the second time I tried to write this post, I was feeling really happy. And I wanted to write how actually, life after uni was pretty good, and how that's another thing people don't really tell you when you sign up to the uni experience either.
It was the middle of summer. I had lots of plans. Lots to do. People to see. Life to live. Every week, and near enough every day, was filled with something. Lots of distractions to keep me busy, and my mind occupied. It was great. Just like any other uni summer. Long and lazy and lovely. Perfect.
I was so buzzed to write about that side of the coin. All the good things.
But again, when I was writing, I found that I just couldn't finish the post. I didn't fully believe in what I was writing, because I knew from my previous experience that life after uni isn't always happy and positive either. Sometimes, it's pretty shite too.
So I left it for another few weeks, which brings us to now.
And I've finally realised that the post I want to write for you dear readers, not a negative post, nor is it a positive post. No, the post I want to write, is simply an honest post. The kind of post, I now realise, that you can only really write when you've lived a little. Experienced things a bit more. The post you write with the wisdom of knowing both the positives and the negatives of a situation.
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Strangely enough, over the last week I've actually been experiencing both those things in parallel.
My days have been happy, filled, satisfying. No complaints. Yet in the last week, I've cried about my new life three times already, the most recent being this morning. And it's making me realise that this new predicament I've found myself in, is both good and bad. It has its positives, and its negatives. I wouldn't necessarily choose this life for myself, yet at the same time, it's not the worst thing either. It's quite a satisfactory life, but likewise, I know it's not my best life.
Every time I cry, I have to remind myself that it's okay, because effectively I have lost my old life, almost overnight, or at least that's how it feels. And more than that, I've lost a way of life too. At the moment, it's starting to dawn on me that after summer is over, I won't be going back to Manchester again, after four years of that routine. No more studying. No more uni house. No more amazing social life. No more korfball. No more Freshers Week. No more student finance. No more seeing all my friends in one place. No more seeing my boyfriend whenever I want to. And more than that, after 18 years in consecutive education, I won't be starting a new academic year come September.
This year, there is nothing to distinguish my August and September. There is no-one waiting for me to turn up for class. No more studying or learning or working towards something bigger. I'm all done, and it feels amazing and terrifying at the same time. At the time of writing this post, I don't have anything bigger lined up, and it's strange not knowing what will happen next. Moreover, come September, almost all my friends and loved ones will go back to different places across the country. And this year, I won't be one of them. The solace of at least having my loved ones nearby, or having the time to see me, will go, which is probably the thing I'm struggling with the most right now.
But despite all this, I know in my heart, even in the hardest times, that my new life is still pretty awesome.
I get to see my family a lot more, especially my grandparents, which has been amazing. I have a job, which gives me structure and routine, money (!!!), purpose and where I get to work alongside some really amazing, lovely people. I get to see my friends from home more. I see the countryside and travel to other places a lot more. I have time to chill out and do things I enjoy. I can keep in contact with loved ones by Skype and phone calls, and make trips to go and see them. I feel a lot more relaxed. I have lots of things to look forward to. And of course, I finally get to hold the pen and draw out my life, decide what will happen next, imagine what this next chapter will hold.
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But perhaps more than that, I move into this next chapter with four incredible, magical, cherished, life-changing years behind me. Four years that no-one and nothing can take away from me. Four years that turned my life into something I never believed or dreamt it could be. And I know that's pretty remarkable. Even though my life right now is quite different to what it used to be, I'm very lucky in that some of the best bits of my old life have carried on through.
My friends. My boyfriend. My degree. My love of Korball and Manchester. The experiences and skills and memories that I've gained, too many to name. And the many ways I've changed fundamentally as a person. The Tasha who's landed back in Derby, is very different to the one who left it four years ago to embark on the biggest adventure of her life, and that actually makes me quite proud to say. I carry this beautiful, gorgeous experience within me, and always will, as it's made me the person I am today. The best version of me.
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I'd be lying if I said I'd figured out how to live my best life post-uni, and I'd be lying if I said life after uni was better than uni itself, because it's not right now. One day it will be. But if anything, it feels like someone has taken the snow globe of my life and given it a good old shake, and I'm waiting to see how everything falls into place. Trying to adjust to all the changes. Taking every day, along with all the happiness and the hiccups, as it comes. All of which I'm realising is ok.
I don't have all the answers, and I know this journey is still in its beginnings. Who knows that the future looks like.
But in the last three months, I have learnt to cherish what I had, see the positives in what I have now, be kind to myself, and look forward to what comes next (whatever that may be), and I don't know about you, but I think that's a pretty good start.
Here's to the future.
