Looking To The Future

LOOKING TO THE FUTURE

I've spent the last few months just trying to forget and move on. Build that bridge at long last, and just get the hell over it already. And I feel like I've finally reached the stage where I can truly feel the distance arching between me and the past, and everything tightly contained within it. Me and 'it' are in two separate places, and I know that now because I can feel it within myself. I didn't even realise I was making progress, because in my eyes it looked as though I hadn't moved onwards at all. It still felt like I was rooted to that exact same spot, as always. Returning to those sad little remains of what used to be, over and over again. Refusing to let it go once and for all. Refusing to let it disintegrate into ashes of nothing. Sitting there hoping. Sitting there wishing. Sitting there waiting. I could've waited for an eternity. I would've made all the time in the world. 

But somewhere along the way, life began to take hold and carry me with it. Every day was so full of living, that I ended up travelling further and further away from that place without me even realising. Every day I left that place far, far behind, with the rhythm of life propelling me onwards to a future that won't reveal itself just yet, but I know is lying in wait ready for me to find. Every day presented new problems, new challenges, new experiences, new things to learn, a new to-do list that needed addressing. I was unknowingly building an escape route from that place, little by little, brick by brick, until one day I stopped and turned around, only to realise just how far I'd come. I'd built a foundation that could lead me out of the past and into the future. Little by little I'd been shaking off the confines of emotion, escaping the constant relay of memories, and starting to see a version of me that could happily and confidently exist, without the very thing that I thought I needed most of all. After being trapped in the whirlwind for what felt like so long, I'd finally been deposited on the other side.

And for the first time, I felt like I could finally look to the past without the bittersweet wealth of emotion that had always accompanied me previously. I was looking at it through clear, bright eyes. All that seemingly endless processing had been completed. It was time to be free. I had finally found the perfect way to say goodbye to and make peace with the past, and the ghosts that still lurk there. I didn't feel bitter or sad anymore. I didn't feel the loss so strongly anymore. I didn't want to let it weigh me down anymore. I didn't want to keep thinking about it all the time. I wanted to let it go, and yet on the converse, I didn't feel like I could completely sacrifice everything to the breeze of life, and let it be carried away from me forever. I guess I wanted to be free of the negativity, but I wanted the positivity to remain and empower me. I wanted to forget the bad and instead focus on the good, and use it constructively within my future. So somewhere along the way, I realised that I didn't have to carry the weight around with me everywhere I went, yet conversely I had the choice to decide what aspects I did want to keep close to me. What I was willing to take responsibility for. What I was willing to carry forwards with me in to the future, and what I was ready to finally leave behind. I realised that in order to move on, I didn't have to sacrifice everything, I just had to use my new found perspective and liberation to re-assess what, within that something, was most important to me now. I only wanted to take the good things forwards with me, so I had to decide for myself what those things were. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't all for nothing.

It's been so hard to let the past go because until now, I always believed that in order for me to do that, I had to say goodbye to everything. I had to fully close the chapter and place the book onto the dusty, endless shelves of my memory, not to be re-visited or re-opened for a long, long time to come. I had to tick that sheet, saying that this was a matter that had been dealt with and closed for good. Declare my oath that I would never go back down that road again. Leave everything and anything to do with the past behind me in my wake. It was that or nothing. And I guess that I just didn't realise that that wasn't the only way. I didn't realise that there was another way of dealing with the past, and moving on from it in a constructive way. There didn't need to be an element of sacrifice. Like a glittering star falling down from the sky, right before my moving feet, I suddenly saw the way out. And in retrospect is seems to easy, so logical, so obvious, but as is always the case with life, I just couldn't see it till now. Because I realised that from my experiences, even though things ended how I never wanted them to, there were a lot of good things that I could take away from it. 

There were the important life changing lessons that I learned. The times that, hard as they were, taught me how much potential I have, as did they reveal to me that I'm a lot more capable than I lead myself to believe. There were the happy times that make me smile even to this day, and make me feel lucky that I was the one who got to be right there experiencing them first hand. There were the moments that validated my beliefs and reminded me that I'm not crazy to think the way I do. The positive changes that consequently changed me and my life forever. There was the overriding hope, I still remember how that feels. I remember the little things that were said, and it makes me feel lucky that someone once said those words to me. I remember what I found then, its significance and what it meant to me, and it helps guide me as I go about my life now. No-one can take any of this away from me, nor do I have to take it away from myself. All of this is mine to keep forever and always, and if I want to keep these things close to my heart, then that's okay. It's what I'll do. But the two most important things that I want to keep inside my heart, to keep my heart beat pumping stronger than ever as I race ahead into my future are: 1) the promise to myself that I will never again lose sight of the person you helped me to become. That I will always strive to be that person, that best version of myself, and use all those positives to remind me and fuel me onwards. I won't let any of this go to waste. You showed me my potential, who I really am, and I'd be a fool to let that all go. It's a reminder that all of this, everything about it, was worthwhile, if it's helping me to keep this glowing, happy future of mine alive. And 2) I will store that love up in my heart and keep it safe, keep it with me always, so that I know that I am never alone, so that it could never be deemed pointless, so that I am empowered in a way that I never was before. Fulfil the unfulfilled. As a thank you for everything, as a promise that I will never forget. 

Now I know that you've probably read this entire body of writing and wondered firstly what on earth I'm on about, and who on earth I'm on about. And the mystery is something that will remain. These words are an externalisation of how I feel, it's a way of freeing the feeling, and putting things into focus. However the reason I wrote them out on here in the first place, is because I hope that although you read them not knowing who or what they were about, just like I had something in mind the whole time I was writing this post, I hope that you too had something or someone in mind. I hope that they struck a chord within you somewhere, and that they might help you make sense of something important to you, in the same way that they've helped me make sense of something important to me. And most importantly, I hope it helps you to realise that nothing is ever as bad as it seems. There's always, always good to be found, and I truly hope that you find it and use it to empower you as you embark into your future. I really, really do.