So You Failed Your Driving Test...

SO YOU FAILED YOUR DRIVING TEST...

Yesterday I had my practical driving test. After learning for nearly a year and a half, on and off, yesterday was my big day. The moment of truth. Time to prove to not only myself but the driving test examiners also, that I could do it. Needless to say, as you probably knew instantly from the title, this did not happen, and unfortunately I didn't pass. Now I'm not going to beat around the bush here and say that everything was fine, that I handled it with dignity and emotional maturity, that I smiled, nodded my head and that was that. Because the fact of the matter is I cried. I succumbed to my human emotions, that overwhelming natural response and I cried my little heart out. I only managed to hold it together and maintain my composure for so long, just enough for my lovely, lovely examiner to leave the car actually, before the flood gates started to open. The emotional tidal wave was released upon my poor driving instructor who couldn't understand why I did what I did and subsequently failed. And guess what? I didn't stop crying for two and a half hours. That nice gushing facebook status complete with matching pass certificate didn't happen. The thanking my driving instructor for everything she's done, for helping me do something I never thought I could, didn't happen (although hopefully one day soon it will). The calling my family and friends to let them know the good news didn't happen. But what did happen was I came back to an empty house and proceeded to sit in various spots of the house, all on my own, in need of a hug and crying a seemingly infinite amount of tears for quite a long time till I went to see my best friends, and we made cake together. And from that point on things started to get considerably better.

Now you might wonder why I'm telling you all this, and I understand it isn't the nicest thing to read. Most people keep these things quiet after all. But I felt it was really, really important, and a really good idea if I spoke up, because if what I write helps even one person feel a little bit better and less alone, should the same thing happen to them, then that will make this all so worth it. I want to share my experience in the hopes that it helps make a difference to the life of someone, somewhere in this world. Get rid of the taboo and say that it really is okay to fail. It isn't the end of the world. You will overcome this minor set back and you will be just fine. So let me share a little bit of my story with you first. For me taking this test had to happen because 1) I was ready to take it, and I knew it, and 2) I go back to university in a couple of weeks time, and if I didn't do it now then when would I ever really do it? I don't know. But I had that pressure riding on me, and that's what pushed me to take my test ultimately. It was important for my career, I had to try and pass before going back to uni, and my confidence and driving ability were finally good enough for me to at least try and take my test. But honestly, even the night before my test I was still nervous that I wouldn't be able to do it. I wasn't hungry for it like other people I knew. The thought of passing and actually having to drive on my own still scared me. I was still questioning whether I was actually really ready for it still, or was I forcing myself into it on the hopes of passing on a whim, and just getting it all out the way. Plus even if I had passed, I wouldn't be driving or getting my own car for another three years or so.

Two weeks before my test I failed my mock test, and that really threw me. It shook me up completely and had me questioning was I really ready to do this, and all these doubts were swarming my head. It was horrible. But I cried it all out, picked myself back up again and put my all into overcoming the setbacks, correcting where I'd gone wrong and mentally preparing myself for what was to come. Even today, after dancing and singing around the empty house for an hour to get rid of the nervous energy, I was feeling good. Ready. Confident. Even when I was waiting for my name to be called at the test centre I was feeling pretty good. Might as well crack on with it and give it a go. How I felt surprised me even. But as you can probably guess, it all went a bit tits up from there. I consider myself to be a good, safe, capable driver now, but one thing I have always suffered with is my confidence and self belief, as well as my frustrating overthinking, and that's ultimately what let me down. As soon as I walked out that door and the lovely examiner asked me the 'tell me, show me' questions, I was panicking because for some reason my English language abilities failed me and I just couldn't understand the question. He worded it in a way that just threw me, and I knew I answered the question wrong, but from that point on I was convinced I'd failed. And I was frustrated because I knew I might mess up, but I hadn't expected to mess up so soon, before I even got in the car. Not to mention this was then followed by an episode where I just couldn't figure out how to open the car door for some reason. Oh the joys of driving.

The rest of the test I was blighted by all this negativity in my mind. I felt I wasn't doing myself justice. I was critiquing every move I made. I thought the examiner felt sorry for me. Every time we pulled over I was convinced he'd tell me I'd failed. Heck, I thought I'd failed before I'd even begun. I was frustrated, annoyed, a little bit upset. I'm also a bit of a control freak, though I don't like to admit it, and it felt like I was losing my grip on everything. I'd lost control of the situation and didn't know how to regain it, and naturally that didn't sit too well with me. But the irony is that all the time I thought I'd already failed, for the first ten to fifteen minutes of the test, I actually hadn't failed. Made a few minor mistakes, yes, but I hadn't actually failed. I still had a fighting good chance, unbeknown to me. And I only ended up actually getting my serious major, the thing that failed me, because of all that negative thinking I'd been doing in the first place. I failed today because I believed I already had so strongly, that negativity was brewing so vividly, that it actually ended up coming true. I set myself up for my own downfall, and although that should probably annoy me, it doesn't because it proves to me that I failed not because of my driving ability, but because of my negative thought pattern. At the end of the day, I only got three minors, plus my one serious, and that was enough for me to know in terms of driving ability, I am ready to do this. It's my confidence I need to get into gear (pardon the pun). Controlling my thinking patterns, overriding that overthinking, cutting the negative thoughts, stop letting it affect my driving, believe in myself and my abilities. Confidence is something I've struggled with all my life, but you know what, yesterday made me realise that I'm just so tired of letting it hold me back. I don't want my lack of confidence and belief in myself to hold me back anymore. From doing myself justice. Proving what I know to be true. 

I didn't deserve to pass yesterday granted, because what I did was stupid and potentially dangerous, and I've already learnt from it. It was the wake up call I needed. My confidence issues can't carry on affecting my driving like this. It has to stop.  But I know, I know that although I didn't deserve to pass yesterday, I do deserve to pass my driving test. I can do this! Heck, even my examiner said it. He told me I needed to come back and get this test sorted, done, dusted, and if he believes in me, if he knows I can do it, then who am I to question that? So after having a good old cry and panic, worrying till I physically couldn't take any more, crying on the phone to my mum and messaging my driving instructor to apologise, I decided to once again fight back and try again. Ever tried. Ever failed. Get back up. Try again. That kind of thing. I won't let this episode bring me down and get in my way, although I sure as heck am going to learn from it. It sounds crazy but I'm actually so happy that this happened. Passing my test yesterday wasn't meant to be, but learning and experiencing all these things to help me be a better driver and get my confidence finally sorted, definitely was. So I'm going to re-do my test, maybe in a few weeks, maybe a few months time. Try again. What will be will be. But I know that my time will come, and I know and fully believe that I can do this now. It's time to achieve what I set out to do all those months ago, and I won't let anything hold me back any more.

So with that, I thought it would be a good idea to share with you guys some of the important things I learnt yesterday, in the hopes that they might help you, reassure you and make you feel better. And if your driving test is coming soon, I wish you a massive good luck! Just believe in yourself and your abilities and you're giving yourself the absolute best chance of succeeding!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHAT FAILURE TAUGHT ME...

1) Don't be afraid or ashamed to cry it all out. It feels really good to get it all out the system. Once you've done that then you're freeing yourself up to wipe the slate clean, draw a line over what happened, get back up and start afresh. 

2) Likewise don't be ashamed to tell people you failed and don't suffer on your own. There's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. You think it'll be better if nobody knows but actually, you'll feel so much better just by talking to people, sharing how you feel and allowing them to help you.

3) You should be so proud of yourself for having the courage and determination to give your test a go. And remember that just because you failed, that doesn't mean you're a bad driver. You're a bloody amazing driver actually. You just need to sort a few things out is all. This wasn't your time, but that is okay. Your time will come. Things happen for a reason, so figure out what those reasons are and use them to help you succeed in the future. 

4) Obviously you've failed for a reason, so look at what the examiner says, find the root of where you went wrong and use it to help you, learn from it, fix things that need fixing. It might be something that needs practice or adjusting, it might be a mistake you just need to learn from and remember for next time, it might be your confidence or it might be something else entirely.

5) If your driving instructor thinks you're ready to try for your test, then go for it and see what happens. Don't hold back. Give it a go. It's worth at least trying because if you pass, you've passed for a reason and clearly you were ready, as well as capable of being a good, safe driver. And if you fail, then the test will highlight exactly what it is that's stopping you passing, and it might surprise you where your faults actually lie.

6) Once you've stopped crying, go make a cup of tea of coffee, get on the DVSA website and start looking at when you can redo your test. Get back out there and put things right. Put the past behind you, don't succumb to negative thinking, and give yourself another chance. 

7) If you find that it's another two months till you can retake, don't panic like I did because it does you absolutely no good. Stop thinking the world is against you because it's not. Instead, you can 1) book a test a few months later and take it then, 2) book a test a few months later but keep checking for cancellations which you can take instead, or 3) keep checking and checking the DVSA site. Although I'm yet to find a cancellation, and I know I might not get lucky, numerous people have told me that cancellations do come up. You just have to be persistent, keep refreshing that page, check a few times a day and act quick when something comes up. Apparently the evenings are a good time to check, especially Friday evening, as can you call up the DVSA to find out more information which might help you secure a new test date. 

8) Don't freak out thinking it's going to be ages till you resit, and worry that you're going to forget everything you've spent the money and last few weeks on perfecting in that time. For starters, if you're a good driver who is ready to pass, then all those driving skills and mentalities will now be ingrained within you for life, never to be forgotten. You won't be forgetting any time soon. And secondly, you have to accept that what will be will be. If you manage to resit soon after failing, then that's great. But likewise if you have to wait a few months, then that's okay too. Your time and chance will come. Don't you worry.

9) I know I already said this, but it's so important that you talk to someone, anyone. It's awful sitting there suffering and hurting all on your own. After you fail your emotions are prone to getting a bit out of control, and with no-one there to calm you down or comfort you, you might find yourself descending further than normal. It's also a confusing time because you're not sure what comes next, who to turn to, what to make of everything, you don't want to bother anyone but you really, really need someone right now. And if you're like me, you think your driving instructor must hate you too. But don't think that because they really don't. They're behind you 100%. So tell your instructor how you feel, what went wrong and get advice. Call your mum, dad, sister, brother, boyfriend, girlfriend, grandparents, whoever, and cry your little heart out, let their words and advice comfort and guide you. Don't suffer any more than you have to! Be nice to yourself.

10) It doesn't matter if your driving instructor believes in you. It doesn't matter if the examiner believes in you, although it does help. It doesn't matter if your family or friends or partner believes in you. The most important person who needs to believe in you is yourself. You need to want it for yourself. You need to know and fully believe that you're a good driver who deserves to be on that road with everyone else. You need to do it only for yourself, no-one else. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Their words are nice but they mean nothing until you start to believe in yourself. And the difference you'll feel when you achieve that is remarkable. The difference to your driving is remarkable. It changes everything for the better. So give yourself that gift. You deserve it!