Review: The Adventures of Vaclav The Magnificent & His Lovely Assistant Lena

REVIEW: THE ADVENTURES OF VACLAV THE MAGNIFICENT 

& HIS LOVELY ASSISTANT LENA

Wow. What a big title. But wow. What an amazing book. I read it in two days. I just couldn't put it down. And when I eventually did put it down, I knew that I had to tell you lovely readers all about it, because this is a really special book. The first novel by American author Haley Tanner, The Adventures... is a compact 292 pages long and divided into four main sections: Together, Apart (focused on Vaclav), Apart (focused on Lena), and Together Again. Within each section there are no chapters. Instead Tanner employs an interesting literary device of labelling each paragraph according to the most significant that happens within it, eg. Riding on the Q Train for when Lena, Vaclav and Valcav's Mum take a ride on the Q Train. I personally really enjoyed this method of delivery. It's almost like breaking down the story into its constituent components and then assembling them together one by one, to gradually build up the bigger picture. It means that you as the reader subsequently have less information to focus on, thus allowing you to greater appreciate these smaller yet equally significant and important details that otherwise may succumb to being overlooked. And in many ways, these important little details are exactly what makes this unique story so compelling and brilliant.

The main plot line of The Adventures... revolves around two young Russian immigrants, Lena and Vaclav, who have been brought to America by their families in search of a better life. With their respective families settling in Brooklyn, NYC, Lena and Vaclav's lives intertwine at the age of 5, when a series of events lead to a play date that cements the special bond that will irrevocably bind the two friends together for life. Tanner's 3rd person narrative initially begins by sketching the outline of the daily life of a 10 year old Vaclav and 9 year old Lena, highlighting the difficulties they face, the premise of their lives up until this very point in time, and the unique friendship that they share together. We hear about Vaclav's dream to be a magician, with Lena his loyal and much loved assistant. We begin to learn about the difficulties that prevail and hinder Lena's life. We start to realise how their respective pasts are shaping who Lena and Vaclav are, and who they will be. We gain an insight into the daunting, challenging and surprising difficulties that immigrants face upon arrival in a new country. We view life through Lena's eyes, Vaclav's eyes, as well as from the perspective of Vaclav's parents, in particular his doting mother Rasia. We see how the two central characters divert and greatly differ in personality, aspirations, abilities, chances, potential, obstacles, circumstance, and how natural evolution is slowly pulling them apart again. Yet there's this core indescribable similarity, a unification of souls, perhaps, that resolutely binds them together, and means the unique bond they share can never truly be broken, no matter what challenges they may face.

The story then takes a turn when one day, Lena suddenly disappears, right on the eve of the special magic show that her and Vaclav have been plotting for weeks. Even though I read the blurb prior to reading the story, and was aware that something would happen to Lena, I wasn't prepared for the suddenness with which Lena's disappearance strikes. Tanner captures the acuteness and perplexity of the situation, and all the provocation of subsequent emotion, perfectly. You just don't see it coming until suddenly it's happened. Lena has gone. Vanished from the story without a trace or indication. And as a reader, you find yourself sympathising with the exhausting, terrifying, momentous and unfair loss that Vaclav feels at the sudden inexplicable loss of his best friend. The heart break he feels is so honest and powerful and saddening. However Tanner is careful not to reveal too much information about Lena's disappearance, instead choosing to use Vaclav's mother as a point on which to focus our attentions and emotions and perplexities until later in the story, when the truth is finally revealed. 

Fast forward seven years, and we are greeted with 17 year old Vaclav and Lena, each living separate lives yet unable to forget one another and their shared past, which was abruptly paused and left behind. The awkwardness and rigidity of their younger years, reflected in Tanner's linguistic choices and prose, which perfectly capture Vaclav and Lena's attempts to refine their innate Russian characteristics to fit the new dictations of American life, as well as that infamous adolescent struggle for social acceptance, is gone. Instead we're greeted by two mature and refined young adults who have fully acclimatised and assimilated into their new lives and culture. Both Vaclav and Lena are extensions of their younger selves, and I loved how Tanner accentuated and preserved certain characteristics, and developed and recast others, all the while staying true to the heart of each character. You fully believe the orientation and direction that each character's development takes, something that certainly can't have been an easy feat to achieve. In the current day, Vaclav and Lena are still trying to adjust to a life without the gravitational pull of each other, and in their separate sections, we learn about where life has taken them in the passing years, as do we learn more details about the past that has shaped who they are today.   

Somewhere along the way, you become so invested in the story and destinies of these characters, that you can't help but believe in their integrity. They feel so real, so imperfectly perfect, so rounded, so honest, so beautifully flawed and rich, that you can't help but care about them. The concluding section of The Adventures... is perhaps the most emotional and moving because it's moment in which we finally learn the truth. It's the moment when the past finally catches up with the future, when the fragility and power of Vaclav and Lena's relationship is truly demonstrated, when the paths of all the central characters finally intersect at a junction, when everything falls catastrophically apart and the healing process begins. I won't spoil anything for you here, because I don't want to take that joy or right of finding out for yourself away from you. But the ending truths, when interwoven with the rest of Lena and Vaclav's stories, really do the whole story arch justice and round it off completely, taking the whole thing full circle. It leaves you understanding and accepting the most frustrating and elusive question of all: why. The ending was so heartbreaking, so pensive, so cleverly done, so beautiful, so hopeful, so poignant. A real testament to Tanner's literary skills. And most importantly, it makes you think, and I adore books that leave me feeling like a slightly different, and hopefully better person, to who I was when I prior to reading it.

The Adventures... made me think about so many different things, and reconsider my current views or add depth to the ones that aren't so well fleshed out. I was left with this notion about how life can be so cruel, and yet so wonderful. I felt a lot more sympathetic and understanding about what it's like for immigrants, and the difficulties that they face, all in pursuit of a better life. It was interesting to see how these two different cultures collided and interacted with one another, and how the upheaval can create these seismic waves of effect in so many different ways. It reminded me of the importance and power of love and hope and friendship and family, and how these small little gifts are often more powerful than anything else in this world. It made me realise how just because your past has been dictated by misfortune and obstacles and hardship, it doesn't mean your present or your future have to be dictated by those things too. Wrongs can be righted, things can turn around. You have choices, chances, opportunities. You can be better, stronger, wiser. There are people who care, and fate to play a hand when the timing is right. The world is full of bad, yet it is also balanced and often outweighed by all the goodness that resolutely prevails. 

This books is easily one of the best I have ever read, and I don't say that lightly. It's incredibly well thought out. You can tell Tanner has put her heart and soul into every word and page of this book, and that she evidently cares so much about telling Vaclav and Lena's story the right way. How it was intended. She uses all these clever literary devices that really make the book pop and fizz and shine and set it aside from anything else that could even marginally compare. The structure is unpredictable and exciting. The storyline is unique and addictively complex. The linguistic elements, from the word choices through to the sentence structures, are well thought out and supplement all the other literary components of the book perfectly. The characters are utterly fabulous in every sense, so 3D, so full of substance and depth, and in my opinion, unfaultable. The Adventures... is a story that keeps you guessing. Dancing on your toes. It's ingenious and inventive and intelligent. It's not what you expect and yet it's everything that you could ever want. It's a story filled with love and depth and integrity and resilience and hope. It's just amazing, and if you're looking for a story to connect with, a story to make you fall in love with reading all over again, a story to make you feel, a story unlike anything else you've read before, please go and find a copy of Hayley Tanner's wonderful book and experience Vaclav and Lena's story for yourself.

You can buy The Adventures... here!

That Time When I Saw Bruce Springsteen

THAT TIME WHEN I SAW BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

So something insane happened the other night night. My ultimate dream, which I have longed to happen for so many years, finally came true. I got to see Bruce Springsteen, The Boss himself, live in Manchester, one of my absolute favourite cities, at the Etihad stadium, which is insane enough as it is, and two days after my 20th birthday. If that's not amazing I don't know what is. I'm still in this weird state of shock, post-show. It's like my brain can't quite process the magnitude and amazingness of what I've been so very fortunate enough to bear witness to, nor can it understand how this longheld dream of mine has finally been made reality. Even during the show, I kept looking around, trying to take everything in and commit every last detail to memory, but the magnitude and importance of the moment kept dazzling me. I couldn't quite believe it was actually happening, and as the night went on, I knew that I would remember it for the rest of my life. I will always recall this night as being the best night of my life. I will remember it as the night when I experienced this joy and happiness and content and awe to an extent that I have never known before, and don't know if I ever will experience again. To put it simply, this night was incredible. I can die happy now. All is so, so good. So naturally I have to do so some excessive emotional splurging about it, as is only right, and try and preserve the moment, in all its sheer glory.

Till the other night happened, I'd been wanting to see Bruce for quite some time. I don't remember when I first truly connected with Bruce's music and proudly declared myself a fan, because I discovered Bruce in bits and pieces, strewn about here and there. So I had to put all the magical pieces together to create the bigger picture. It was reading a McFly tour programme, way back in 2004, which stated that my favourite band member Danny loved Bruce, and 8 year old me wondering who this guy with the cool surname was. It was discovering Mary's Place on my Dad's iPod, way back when. It was coming across the video for Dancing In The Dark on MTV, with Courtney Cox dancing across the stage at the end. It was finding this Mat Kearney cover of Dancing In The Dark on You Tube and listening to it on repeat on the bus to college. It was trawling through my Dad's record collection and finding all these Bruce Springsteen albums. It was reading about him in music magazines. And then it was listening to the Greatest Hits album my Dad owns, both discs all the way through, and suddenly feeling this surging connection and identification with what I was hearing, and realising that it was one of the best things I had ever heard in my whole entire life. And then, you know what they say, the rest is history,

I remember this one time, I was trying to write down on an old blog I had, just why I liked The Boss so much. I was trying to pinpoint exactly why I loved both him and his music so much, but I couldn't quite explain it, or put it into words. I didn't even know why for myself. Bruce's music is like this whole other entity that can't be defined or categorised or even spoken about. Nothing you say or do reflects or captures the magic. Nothing will do it justice. Nothing will convey to another person the magnificence and etherealness of his music. You can try, and you can succeed with some marginal success, but the only way to truly make somebody understand why so many millions of people essentially worship this amazing man, and how he fills stadiums to the brim, right across the world, is by getting them to listen to his music. Once you hear these songs, it does something really funny to you. It changes you as a person, very subtly but significantly, and you can't re-trace those steps, and honestly, you don't really want to either. The Boss is in a whole other league of his own, and he takes you right along with him.

 When you listen to his music, I think the best word to describe it is glorious. Everything about it is glorious through and through. Every last little part. It has great depth, richness, soul. The lyrics are narratives that can be honest, poignant, emotive, or on the converse, they can be filled with great hope, immenseness, power. They're real, and so beautifully written too. You can't help but feel something when you listen. It's like Bruce's lyrics wire straight up to your heart and soul and electrifies them with this amazing energy. And then you put them against that magnificent cascading waterfall of incredible music, courtesy of his mega talented E-Street Band where each instrument seems to talk and converse with one another in melodious harmony... And then you're so overcome with feeling, energy, soul, because this marriage of music and lyrics was surely crafted somewhere in heaven, that you literally feel poised to explode. So you sing and you tap your feet and you fist pump the air and you dance around, and you close your eyes to further the connection, and your fingertips play along to the invisible rhythm, and your thoughts switch off, and in that moment, you've never felt more alive. Nor have you felt more in debt to the incredible musician orchestrating it all: Bruce Springsteen.

When I realised how much Bruce's music meant to me, and how special and alive it made me feel, and the hope it gave me, it made me realise that I really, really, really wanted the chance to see him live. I had to hear these songs live with my own two ears. I had to see this hero of mine stood right before me, with my very own eyes. I had to be in that magical atmosphere Bruce creates around him. I had to listen to his E-Street band bring these iconic, timeless songs to life. I had to follow this sparkling curiosity to see how the magic so prevalent in recordings of his music translated on stage. I had to see him put on a show. However because of my young age, I wasn't around when Bruce was at the absolute peak of his juggernaut of success. I wasn't around when he was actually crafting and releasing these now classic songs into the world for the first time. I wasn't there to witness him building his career up, piece by piece, into what it is today. I missed it all. And when I finally discovered Bruce, he was into his 60's. He was already a legend of unparalleled and unrivalled heights. He didn't even need to tour any more, and when he did, his global superstar status meant his tours were worldwide, infrequent, limited. I didn't even know if he would ever come back to the UK, or if he would ever tour again, or ever release more music. My dream of seeing Bruce and his E-Street band perform was just that: a dream. And I had no idea if it would ever come true. If my stars would ever align. If that immense luck, and priceless once-in-a-lifetime opportunity would ever come my way.

To an extent, I think I'd accepted that it might never happen. And that was okay. Even having his brilliant back catalogue to listen to for the rest of my days was enough. But then the unthinkable, the unbelievable, the unspeakable happened, and in a stroke of pure luck, my Dad managed to get tickets. My dream finally came true. And then the other night happened, and if I thought I loved Bruce already, well now I'm pretty convinced he's an otherworldly creation sent down from the heavens to turn this life into a life worth living. When my housemate asked me how the concert was the following morning, I was unable to formulate or articulate anything. I just made a weird high pitched noise and flung my arms around and danced around on the spot. I think she got the jist of it, or there abouts. Because that's the thing. If you listen to Bruce's music, and think he's pretty mind blowing and dazzling on record, as are you pretty sure he really is The Boss, when you see him live it's something else entirely. It goes beyond anything you will ever know or witness.

On Wednesday, in true Manchester fashion, it was chucking it down all day long and well into the evening too. It was cold. A bit miserable. A bit iffy. Yet all these thousands upon thousands of people traipsed down to the Etihad, over on the left side of town, and poured into the gigantic stadium. And within a couple of hours it was full to the brim. And it kept on raining, and it kept on being cold, and we were all drinking cups of tea to keep us warm. And I had high hopes for the concert, of course I did, but o.m.g I was not even remotely prepared for what I was about to witness. When Bruce came on to the stage with his E-Street band, everyone went nuts, and I had to keep telling myself this moment was real. There was Bruce, right in front of me. And then the first song they played was the beautiful Atlantic City, which is a long time favourite of mine, and I really do think I died and went to heaven. I was so overcome with emotion and awe and admiration, that my brain didn't even know how to process it. I was fangirling so hard.

The songs were fleshed out with a magnitude and richness that recording equipment just can't capture. They became masterpieces, expertly executed. The crowd was electric. The setlist went on for 3 hours, and Bruce didn't stop once. He effortlessly transitioned between songs with such energy, grace, professionalism. He went here, there and everywhere without even pausing for breath, which at 66 years of age is just incredible. He collaborated with his fellow musicians in a harmonious and endearing partnership, consequently putting on a display of utterly breathtaking musicianship. Bruce was a true gentleman; polite, witty, humble. He spontaneously asked a man dressed as Santa in the crowd, to come up on the stage to sing Santa Clause Is Coming To Town, even though it was May. He sang my ultimate favourite, Waiting On A Sunny Day, because a young girl bore a placard requesting it, and he came into the crowd just so she could sing the chorus. It was utterly magical. And towards the end of the mammoth show, he requested everybody stand up and wave their arms, dance, sing, as he played hits like Dancing In The Dark, Born To Run, Glory In The Days and Born in the USA. And the whole stadium, literally every single last person was on their feet singing and dancing in unison, having the time of their life. I looked down at the people standing and they were all singing and dancing with one another in the rain, and the atmosphere was unlike anything I've ever known. Everyone was so happy and alive. It really was so utterly magical and joyful.

And I think for me personally, the absolute best part was that throughout the entire set, Bruce never stopped smiling once. His face in the photo above is one I took because I felt so compelled to capture his evident joy and contentment. I don't think I've ever been to a concert where the artist just looks so happy to be there, having the time of their life and playing their songs with a timeless, genuine enthusiasm, even though they've played them countless times before. Where the artist and their fans mutually feed off each other's energy and passion in a continuous cycle, each giving back to the other. Where as a fan, you feel like the artist you're watching is so genuinely pleased to be there, performing and sharing this magical, unique, unifying experience with you, that they're as fulfilled as you are. Both your souls more than satisfied. It's so rare, and it just goes to show even more, how one of a kind Bruce Springsteen is as a musician, entertainer, performer and human being. An indescribably lovely, kind, gorgeous soul, and I will always thank my lucky stars that this amazing, once in a lifetime experience happened to me. And if you ever have the chance to see Bruce live, dear readers, do not even hesitate about saying yes. I urge you with every ounce of my being, to say yes, and experience his magic, brilliance, humility and musicianship for yourself. 

Never Felt More Alive

NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE

Something really surreal happened to me last night. Even now, I don't really feel like it happened. The only evidence is an empty mug, a couple of entries in my call log, the indents in the sofa, the tiredness I feel from too little sleep, the conversation my friend and I had this morning, and those peculiar memories that were created in a rapid emotional blur. Part of me doesn't really want to dwell on what happened, nor do I want to over share. But I've never been in a situation like the one my friend and I found ourselves in last night, and I don't really know what's the done thing. However I feel this pressing need to address it in some kind of way, because ultimately, there's some important positive messages to come out of it.

Last night, I was sitting in my bed, writing a different blog post. The lamp light was on, my room was all cosy, and I was nice and snug in my thick blue jumper. I was settling down for the evening. There was no need for concern. Everything was hunky dory. Suddenly, my friend calls my name in a panic and comes into my room. She describes what she's just seen in an emotional rush. Someone is trying to break into the house next door, right now. She's just seen the person with her own two eyes, and they have seen her. She's afraid, I'm afraid. We don't know what to do. In that moment, life feels like a dream that isn't happening. We reach out to somebody, we have to tell somebody, somebody who can help us, who can do something about it. All our emotions and senses are heightened to an extent I've never known before. In that moment, it feels like everything you do next, every action, every word, every decision, is done with your life in mind. Nothing else matters. The horrible uncertainty fuels like nothing else, and the only thing on your mind is literally survival. It's that basic, premeditated instinct that roars like a lion when your safety and well-being is suddenly put at stake. It's an amazing, terrifying, electrifying feeling.

You're trying to keep calm, rationale, in control, even though your voice is shaking and you're shivering all over, even though you're not cold. You don't know what to do, your friend doesn't know what to do. You both stand paralysed in one spot, a place where time and daily life seems to cease to exist, and you're too afraid to move in either direction because you don't know what lies beyond, and you'll be damned if you're going to find out. Time disappears, every minute suddenly seems to count, and you cling to your phone like it's a lifeline. It feels like running a race against a mysterious, unknown competitor that you can't see, and you don't know if or when your paths are going to collide, and you're hoping with every ounce of your being that someone comes to your rescue before you have to find out. There's that urgency, desperation, shock. Your body becomes hypersensitive to every sound, every movement, every face, and it's impossible to relax. Even when the police come, and the nice policeman talks to you and tells you the danger has passed, and everything is going to be okay, and he tries his best to reassure you and make you feel better, even though you've screamed at him every time he's knocked on the door, you still can't quite turn that hypersensitivity and fear off. It's the uncertainty. It's still too strong. The shock is too powerful. Even when the logic kicks in, and you realise that you weren't in any immediate danger, life has never seemed so precious than when it's suddenly flashing and blinking right before your very eyes.

I think the most surreal part of the night though, was when I finally decided to go to sleep, and I thought back to earlier in the day, and what I'd done, completely oblivious to what would happen later on. I had been walking into town, and I happened to be thinking about a programme I'd seen earlier that week, which was all about people who had survived cancer. They were talking about how it was in that period of time, when life suddenly seemed so uncertain and death so imminent, that they suddenly felt this urge to do all the things they'd spoken about doing, but had been putting off till some vague point in future. I guess to put it simply, they suddenly experienced that fierce, powerful, overwhelming desire to live. They'd never felt more alive. And as I was walking, I was thinking about how it's so strange that it takes moments when a question mark suddenly hangs over your life, and you realise that life isn't permanent, that we aren't here for that long, and you never know when it could all be over.... It's moments like that which make us truly appreciate the value of our lives, and put everything into perspective. What matters and what doesn't. It fills us with this burning desire to live, not just exist. It's a powerful motivator to stop putting things off, stop living in fear, stop putting your head in the sand, stop talking in the language of possibility and instead talk and plan with the utmost certainty. 

With all these thoughts in mind, I couldn't help but wonder if one of those life illuminating moments would ever come my way. Would I ever experience anything that made me feel that way? Would I ever feel that electrifying, pulsating feeling in my veins? In many ways, I sincerely hoped not. As a healthy, young, happy, able young woman, in theory I should be seizing my life enthusiastically and appreciatively already, and in many respects, I am, and I'm very proud of how my attitudes and actions have changed for the better. But what I definitely shouldn't be doing, is anticipating and waiting on something bad to happen, in order to make me really sit up and start living with that powerful urgency, passion and fearlessness. Yet I do so anyway. I'm someone who draws heavily on real life experiences to help me become a better person. I need things to happen to me, both good and bad, because that's what makes me really sit up and listen and take notice. So awful as it sounds, part of me felt that an experience that makes you truly appreciate your life, might actually be good for me. But like I said, it was just a thought. And soon I was thinking about something entirely different. And I had no idea that a few hours down the line, I would have that very experience that only hours early had been merely a thought. Sometimes life literally blows my mind with its sheer perplexity and peculiarity. 

In the early hours of this morning, after the whole thing was over, and I was lying in my bed, mulling things over, I'll admit that part of me felt that strong urge to give into fear. Live in fear. Worry. Uncertainty. Let the bad guys win. Let them make me feel like this house is no longer a home, let this neighbourhood, my home, my little part of this big city become the place I fear most of all. Go to bed every night afraid of every sound, every movement. Be afraid of the night and lurks within it. When you're confronted with some of the negativity that this world breeds, and forced to admit that the danger really does exist, it's so ridiculously easy to let that negativity win. But the thing is, why should you? Why should you have to live your life in fear? Why should you have to walk with fear in every step you take? Why should you always feel fearful about what lies around every corner? Why should you have to life half a life, or even worse, merely an existence, instead of living your life to the full? We all have a right to live our lives exactly how we want to, and we have the right to feel free, safe, happy, fearless, content. To try and take that right away from someone else, is something that I find so sad. I personally believe the Nelson Mandela quote that nobody is born with hatred. It's something that's bred into people. That want to hurt, scare, be cruel, instil fear, is like a plague, a virus, that contaminates an individual right through to the very core. And the most frustrating thing, is that it doesn't need to be that way. Life is full of choices. Irrespective of your past, today is always a new day, and you always have the choice to start over, be a better person, do the right thing. It's never too late.

It's weird, because when the policeman was explaining to us the difference between robbers and burglars, and talking about all these people who make bad choices, even though I'd just been scared to an extent I've never known before, by one of these very people, I didn't feel hatred. I didn't agree with the negative terminology the policeman was using. I couldn't see things the way he did. All I kept thinking, was that this person was just that, a person. They were once a child, full of goodness and hope and innocence. They have a beating heart. A mouth with which to speak. The need to eat, drink, breathe. They have interests, talents, skills. They have potential, just like you or I. And even though they've made and are making bad choices, and they've got lost on a downward spiral somewhere along the way, they're still a person. They aren't a label. They aren't less of a person. They aren't a thing to fear, detest, scorn. We're both humans. They might have done the wrong thing, but that doesn't make me better than them, or them worse than me. Nobody is perfect. Often the people who make the worst choices are those who have been dealt the worst hand in life, and you just cannot judge the person you encounter today, without taking into account the past events that have gone onto shape this person, and made them who they are. For all I know, the person from last night may have lived a life full of difficulty and hardship and misfortune that I am lucky enough to never have known, as of yet. Although I don't agree with what they did, I understand why they might have done it, and more than anything, I wish I could just sit with that person and hear their story, and help them to realise that there's always another way. Help them back onto the right path. How will things ever change, if no-one gives these people a helping hand, a voice, a chance?

So I don't know. Maybe one day I will be in a position to do that. Maybe the course of my life will lead me to that point, and maybe one day I can make some kind of positive difference. Who knows. But for now, I'm choosing to look on the positive side. I'm choosing to use this experience in a positive way. I'm trying to learn what I can. I'm not going to fall into that trap. This experience, although bloody terrifying and not very pleasant all, has actually taught me a lot of important things. I've realised how precious and valuable life is. I've realised there's no point leaving things for another day, when you could do them now. There's no time like the present. I've realised how healing and gorgeous the simple act of laughter is. I've realised how there are some really amazing people out there in the world, some of which I'm so lucky to have close to me. I've realised how important it is not to judge people. I've realised how important it is not to live your life in fear, and if bad things do happen, you're strong enough to cope and get through them. I've realised what really matters in life, and I've gained a valuable insight and perspective that I hope I never forget. And the best thing of all, is I have been reminded of how much I love life, and how much I want to be here right now, doing my thing, making a difference, enjoying this world and all that's good about it. I've never felt more electrified with purpose and intent and understanding. I've never felt more thankful for my life. I've never felt more in awe of my body, and the amazing things it does to keep me alive. I've never felt more alive than I do right now. And I guess what I want most of all, is if you've been reading this, and you can relate to that feeling of waiting for that magic moment to come, when you really start living: stop. It isn't worth it. You're alive right now, this life is yours, the world is at your feet, your heart is beating, your mind is sparkling with energy and ideas. So don't wait for tomorrow to do everything you've ever dreamed of. Do it now. Start living now. 

May Music

MAY MUSIC

Woo. Time for another music post. I used to write these kinds of music posts all the time, way back in the day, whereas now they only seem to come round once in a blue moon, or at least that's how it feels. But hey, something is always better than nothing, right? It's weird because music is such a massive and extremely important part of my life, however I don't seem to feel as inclined to share my musical endeavours any more. It's not so much that I want to keep things to myself. I think it's more that I'm enjoying all this music so, so much, and I've got these same records on repeat, with the collection every growing, that I just forget to share my love for them elsewhere. So you can rest easy at night, dear readers, because although I may not write about music as much as I used to (the last time was back in March!), I'm definitely keeping up with my daily music intake, as my neighbours can vouch for me (I just know they love it when I start attempting my Beyonce).

Many of the songs on this list I have been playing non stop this month, to the extent that when I look back on May 2016, I know without question that these songs will automatically start playing in my mind. They will accompany the memories, and the things that I did, and reflect the way I was feeling. For many of the songs, I remember exactly when I heard them for the first time. I remember where I was, what I was doing, and how they made me feel. And that's always been one of my favourite things about music. As someone who struggles to recount specific past memories on the spot, I find that music is a gentle little alleviator that seems to magically illuminate the memories stored in the archives of my mind, and feed them through into my consciousness, one by one. In a way, music narrates my life. I listen to music and it takes me right back to very specific times, places, instances, almost like time travel. And it's weird how the songs we encounter today will be the songs that that define our yesterday, and all these specific instances in our lives, and when tomorrow comes, these songs that we're only just discovering will be recalled with meaning, nostalgia, affection. We form a connection with the music that we listen to, and it means something different to all of us. And I think that's really special.

As usual, the playlist below is completely bonkers and illogical and combines a whole host of different genres, artists, eras, but I think that every single song is so lush, and dazzling, and stunning, that they fully deserve a spot on this list. There's generally quite a happy vibe going on, and most of them are absolute t.u.n.e.s. So much so that when I heard them for the first time, I was nodding my head in eager approval, thanking the lord that I'm lucky enough to be alive in a time when all this amazing music is available for me to listen to, and especially glad that I'm here at the same time as Beyonce's Lemonade album. So as you can probable tell, from the list below there are a few stand out favourites for me, including The 1975 (they just keep getting better and better!), Queen B, Tom Odell, The Last Shadow Puppets, Meghan Trainor, First Aid Kit and Tame Impala. And in terms of old classics Elvis and Paul Simon are two favourites of mine at the moment.

But I won't harp on any more though, because music is for listening to, after all. So take a browse, see what takes your fancy, have a listen and make your world that little bit better.

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HAPPY LISTENING :-)

A CHANGE OF HEART

THE 1975

HOLD UP

BEYONCE

( follow this link guys 4 ur fix: http://junglesvibes1.net/tracks/beyonc%C3%A9_hold_up.html)

AMERICA
FIRST AID KIT

DIAMONDS ON THE SOLES OF HER SHOES
PAUL SIMON

SOMEHOW
TOM ODELL

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER
ELVIS & THE PHILHARMONIC ORCHESTRA

NEW PERSON, SAME OLD MISTAKES
TAME IMPALA

TILL I REGAIN CONTROL AGAIN
EMMYLOU HARRIS

NO

MEGHAN TRAINOR

GET READY
THE TEMPTATIONS

THIS WILL BE (AN EVERLASTING LOVE)
NATALIE COLE

LET EM IN'
PAUL MCCARTNEY & WINGS

WORK THIS BODY
WALK THE MOON

HERE I AM
TOM ODELL

THE BOURNE IDENTITY

THE LAST SHADOW PUPPETS

ONE DANCE
DRAKE

GET AWAY

BLOSSOMS

PIECE OF ME
MK & BECKY HILL

THERE WILL BE TIME
MUMFORD & SONS FT BAABA MAAL

OLD SKOOL
METRONOMY

ALL FOR ONE

THE STONE ROSES

FILL IN THE BLANK
CAR SEAT HEADREST

THE SUMMER
SPRING KING

19 Things I've Learnt at 19

19 THINGS I'VE LEARNT AT 19

Hello dear readers. I hope you're well. If you're reading this post today, you might recognise that it kind of links on from the last post I did, entitled 'The End of an Era' which I wrote because I was feeling nostalgic about the impending end of my teenage years (oh the feels), and also somewhat buzzing but petrified about the start of my twenties. Evidently, I have the whole ageing and circle of life (hello Lion King) thing going round in my mind at the moment, and I'll happily admit that I've been thinking about it a lot lately. This whole turning 20 thing is quite an important and significant deal to me, even though everyone is telling me that 21 is supposed to be the big deal, not 20. You're probably already aware that I'm a deep thinker and over-analytical individual, and this time in my life is essentially turning me into a submarine, because these thoughts I'm having right now are so reflective and deep and inquisitive. I guess I feel like there's all this processing I need to finish up, so that I can confidently and contently close the chapter on my teenage years, and start my twenties on a fresh foot. I want to gather all my thoughts together, and sift through what I should keep and what I should store away for safe keeping. What is going to be of use to me in this next decade of my life, and how can I use it to make all these things happen, and turn these ideas and dreams into reality?

 I know I've harped on about all this stuff for a while now, but there's just one more thing I'd like to do before I turn my sights elsewhere. Around this time last year, I wrote a post called '18 Things I've Learnt Whilst Being 18' and in a way, it acted like a little marker on the road of my life. A snapshot of who I was at 18, and what my year was like. Since the age of 15, I think, I've been writing a little summary of my year in some form or another, so in a way it's like a tradition. There's notebooks I can think of, which I know have an entry featuring me doing some serious emotional splurging about the year gone by, and what I've learnt and how I've changed. And I personally quite like the tradition, and I love looking back and pinpointing my progression bit by bit, step by step. It's a nice way to remember the good things, and feel pretty happy about life in general, as is it a nice way to see in another year and make it a good'un. So in keeping with my tradition, I wanted to share with you guys the most important things I've learnt this last year of my life. I hope you enjoy reading it, and that it makes you smile. I know I certainly did.

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001. How true the Nelson Mandela quote "it always seems impossible till it's done" is. There's a lot of things I've done this year, that at the time I never thought I'd be able to do. Fast forward a couple of months though, and what do you know, I did it. I got through it. And I'm all the better for it.
002. The art of good time-keeping and organisational skills. You think you're living life to the full, and then you get yourself a personal planner and you get a few more things down on the to-do list, and you suddenly realise how much extra time you actually have in life.
003. The following things are actually really nice: squid, pepper, peanut butter, wine, mushrooms, carrot sticks, olives, lentils, honey, weetabix. I feel like a changed woman.
004. How important it is that I have good self-esteem, look after myself, give myself time to process & not freak out, don't be overly sensitive & don't be too hard on myself.
005. A hell of a lot about the head and neck regions, and what can go wrong with them and how to make them better. Eg. I now know what the pharynx is, and how the voice works, and hey did I just hear an articulation problem over there? Well I can give you some therapy for that. Ba-dum cha, can you tell that I'm a speech therapist in training.
006. I'm becoming a cooking/ baking pro, especially when it comes to winging it. It appears that all this time spent cooking for myself is starting to pay off, so someone give Jamie Oliver & Mary Berry a ring and tell them to watch out.
007. I should never be allowed to talk to guys I like online, or by text. Sending too many winky faces, and pictures of cheese, and emojis of Mexican men holding beer, and sending messages as long as a Harry Potter novel, and asking people out in the early hours of the morning when you're still a bit tipsy, will never get you anywhere in life.
008. That being said though, when it comes to love and seeing what and who is out there, don't be afraid to say yes and see where it might lead you (even if you end up going for a drink when you've lost your voice, and any time you laugh you sound like a wheezing old woman on her deathbed), and don't be afraid to do the asking either. Even if you do get an answer you weren't hoping for, at least you know you've tried! And anyway, weird as it sounds, for quite possibly the first time in my life, being in a relationship isn't actually a big concern for me any more, so ya know, c'est la vie mes amis.
009. Always try and make time for everybody, and be nice, take an interest, and let them know that you appreciate and care about them.
010. If something is grinding your gears, or you're struggling, or you're feeling like you've got a lot of things you'd like to say to somebody, be the one to start the conversation. Be the better person. Say what you've got to say and talk about it. Get advice, hear the other person's side, and work together on how to make things better.
011. Give people a chance, as many people will surprise you. 
012. There's no time like the present, as illustrated perfectly by this Hugh Laurie quote: "It's a terrible thing, I think, in life, to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no-one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any." So if you want to do something, or your thinking about it, just do it, even if you haven't got the money, the company, the skills, whatever. Impulsiveness is a beautiful thing, so don't let your life pass you by.
013. Hard work pays off. Just make sure you're putting your energies in all the right places.
014. Try and act with dignity, maturity, kindness and grace.
015. Don't let yourself get too swayed by all the negativity in the world. There's a lot of reasons to be unhappy, but life is a blessing and there's still so much good out there. Still so many reasons to smile and be positive, so no matter how hard it is, find those reasons and hold them close to your heart, and do your best to share that positivity with those around you. Put some good back into the world!
016. Dreams really do come true, especially on a Thursday morning in March when you find out that you're finally going to see Bruce Springsteen live in person, right before your very two eyes.
017. How to be a proper grown up *flicks hair effortlessly over shoulder in a babe like fashion*
018. It's quite rare that reality meets your expectations, especially if like me your expectations are naturally sky high, but it's okay. It's good to re-align your expectations to make them more realistic, but likewise, it isn't wrong to hope for, and believe in more. There's too much cynicism in this world, and even though high expectations often lead to a fall, they're also a powerful motivator.
019. Give yourself time to just chill, relax, switch off and do the things that make you happiest. It's super duper important and it will make you feel a million times better, because after all, life is all about finding that balance.

The End of An Era

Me at 13 // Me at 19

THE END OF AN ERA

I was just reading this lovely little post by one of my fave bloggers Hannah, all about how brilliant the teenage girls of today are. And all throughout the post I was feeling all girl power/ you go girl/ work it sister, and actually rather proud and pleased to be a teenage girl myself. As much as teenage girls get slack and iffy stereotypes and reputations, and usually not enough credit where we're due either, and as much as being a teenage girl can be a right pain and constant uphill battle, I don't know about you but I bloody love it. Which is why, after reading Hannah's post, I happened to look at today's date, only to realise that my own teenagedom will be over in nine days time. In nine days, I will officially be a 20 year old woman, beginning the next all important phase of my life; my twenties. Excuse me whilst I go dig a hole and hide in it.

At the start of this year, when I realised how close my twenties actually were, it proper freaked me out. I could literally feel the fear accumulate in my heart. All throughout our lives, the media impose this idea of your twenties being the best, and in many respects the most important, years of your life. It's the time when you're officially an adult, and the whole world lies at you feet, ready in wait. It's the time for meeting partners, getting married, having babies, getting a house, deciding where to live, where to settle down, finding a career, progressing through your career, earning your own money and independently supporting yourself. It's a time to be young and free and wild and energetic, a time to seize life by both hands, a time to make yourself, prove yourself, develop yourself. It's the time when you're as old as the characters in Friends, except this is your version of that special time in life when friends are your family, and you're trying to find your way in the world. You're the same age as all the girls in the rom-coms, all the celebrities that you looked up to and aspired to when you were a teenager... And all of that is both incredibly exciting and very, very scary, because if like me you get nervous when faced with the looming expectation at the start of every new year, to make it as good, or if not better than the year before it, imagine what it's like when faced with a whole decade to make as good as the last.

When you're a teenager, it feels like it's going to last forever. You will always be caught in this infinite stage of pre-adulthood, the security of what feels like a prolonged childhood, feeling almost ready to launch yourself into the waiting world but just not quite there yet. There's still more things to learn and figure out, there's still some growing up and deciding to do, there's still some more development that needs to take place. Even now, I feel like I still need to be a teenager for a while longer. Yet admittedly as this year has progressed, and my twenties get increasingly closer, I've begun to warm to the idea of being 20, and more recently I've actually begun to eagerly anticipate it. Although I adore being a teenager, I can sense within me that it's time to move on and leave it all behind. Time to start a new chapter. I feel ready for my twenties, especially because so may people I know are already there, long since crossed that boundary from childhood to adulthood. And now it's finally my turn. Being a teenager can't offer me much more. My formative years are very almost over, and so now it's time to be the grown up version of me. 

In many ways, turning 20 to me symbolises reaching an age that better reflects who I am as a person, and how I'm feeling about myself nowadays. I feel maturer, and more sure of myself. I feel like a woman, instead of a girl. I walk with more confidence and grace. I dress differently. I carry myself differently. I feel stronger and wiser and tougher. I know how to defend myself. I have my own opinions, ideas, plans, dreams, interests. I'm drawn to the world, and I love to explore it. I've got experiences and advice to share. I can listen to two sides of an argument and make an informed decision of my own. I have my own little online business and plans to create another. I've learnt an awful lot of things. I take care of myself. I have my own house. I can drive. I pay bills. I'm half way through my degree. I wear lipstick and perfume. I have a smart coat. I constantly bake. I bleach toilets. I take the rubbish out. I  can wear heels without falling over (or just about). I can be very professional when I want to be. I converse with people much older than me and hold my own. I have a good idea of what I want and I know what's important to me, and what I believe in. I have routes mapped out, determining where I want to go next. I feel like I want to change the world, and I'm already coming up with ideas about how to do that. Granted I still have my Bridget Jones moments, and I know I will probably never be the height of sophistication, but that's okay. Bridget does end up with Mr Darcy after all, and he loves her just the way she is. So you know. All hope is not lost.

As I get closer to 20, and more people I know are in their twenties than not, I sometimes feel like my teenage status goes against me. Sometimes I wish I was 20 already so I could have a bit of weight behind me. Another reason to make people take me seriously. I've had it before where a guy asks me how old I am, and when I say 19 they visibly recoil and express their surprise at how young I am, even if we're only a couple of years apart in age. They still think I'm just a child, that I'm still trying to find who I am, that I don't know anything about the world, don't know what I'm on about, inexperienced, naive, lost. That I haven't even begun to experience life yet. I'm only just getting started. And I guess in many respects, they would be right. For me life is only just beginning, or at least my life as I want it to be, with me living it as the best version of myself. The me who's all grown up. The me who my parents could only dream of one day meeting, when they looked at me as a newborn baby for the first time, wondering who I would become, and what secrets I would reveal in the passing years. In a way, it's almost like being re-born. This is when my life really begins. But that being said, I've already experienced so much. I may only be 19, but I've done an awful lot of living in those 19 years, and none more so than in my teenage years.

When I think back to who I was when I was 13, and who I am now at 19, the sheer difference between the two leaves me in awe. I can't believe that in spite of the massive changes and transitions that have happened in between, I'm still a teenager. That I was and am both these versions of myself within the same time period. Part of me genuinely can't comprehend how that's even possible. I feel like a completely different person, even though parts of me have stayed the same throughout. I've gone from a being a stubborn little argumentative madam, to someone who is a lot more in control of her emotions, and can think logically about things, stay calm, understand other people better, understand the impact of my actions better, and act maturely and diplomatically. I've passed GCSE's, A-Levels and my first year of uni (and hopefully the second too!). I've gone from looking rather hideous, and sporting that typical awkward teenager look complete with Selena Gomez inspired fringe, slogan t-shirts and boot cut jeans, thinking I looked like an absolute babe, to being a lot more fashion aware, embracing my figure, developing my own unique personal style, honing my inspirations, and most importantly, making good clothing choices. I've grown in confidence and bravery and perseverance. I've come out of my shell and out of my comfort zone. I've learnt how to defend myself and to not take things so seriously, personally or sensitively.

I've tried to do good in the world, be a good person, and make a difference to the lives of other people. I've overcome obstacles, navigated my way through difficult times, learnt how to forgive and move on, how to make peace, how to let people go and how to welcome them back. I've come to understand who I am as a person, and how that impacts my life both negatively and positively, as have I tried to make changes to the things that aren't so great, in order to make myself the best I can be. I've been my own worst enemy and experienced that horrible self-destruction, but on the converse, I have also learnt how to help myself, be kind to myself, love myself, and subsequently become my own greatest friend. I've learnt how to understand other people better, and accept their flaws and celebrate their goodness. I've lost friends and gained friends. I've made difficult choices. I've proven myself and unleashed my potential. I've made my mark. I've seized opportunities and expanded on my talents and experiences. I've tried to stick to what I believe in, and stay true to who I am, whilst also being open to new ideas and perspectives. I've become independent, and strived to be a leader, not a follower. I've seen lots of different parts of the world. I've expanded my musical horizons. I've read god knows how many books. I've become more physically active, improved my health and fitness, discovered the joy of vegetables and now willingly eat salmon of my own accord.

I've gone on to love and embrace my body, flaws and all. I've educated myself and sought new information with which to fill my mind. I've learnt how to drive a car. I've become a fully fledged architecture nerd. I've learnt how to appreciate the small things in life, and derive happiness from the simple little everyday joys. I've learnt how to see the beauty in the world. I've got better at my drawing. I've learnt how to apply make-up, and I actually own it too. I've learnt how to be more open, how to start and maintain conversation, how to close the distance, how to let people in. I've come to realise that nobody is perfect. I've been lucky enough to experience that once in a lifetime connection with another person. I've developed a sense of humour, and smiled so much that I have dimples. I've also adopted a laugh that sounds like how Jimmy Carr would laugh if he was a seal. I've left home. I've lived in a big city. I've learnt how to see the positive in every situation, and followed my mantra that everything happens for a reason. I try to be nice to everybody I meet, and treat them right, make them feel loved and valued and listened to. I've developed a strong work ethic. I don't take things for granted. I know how and when to say sorry. I try to help other people whenever I can. I know what makes me tick, and what grinds my gears. I've made so many wonderful, amazing, cherished memories that I hope I remember for the rest of my days. I've had fun. I've worked hard. I've lived my life exactly how I wanted to live it, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.

Of course being a teenager has its sucky times without a doubt. It isn't always great, and at the time you just don't realise how much you actually have to contend with, nor do you realise just how fabulously you're handling it all. It often feels like a million obstacles are constantly placed in your way, and you have no idea how to get through them all, and if you ever will. But in time things change, you change, and one by one you knock those obstacles down and carry yourself forwards into the future. You just keep getting better and better, and you don't even realise it. And sometimes it takes you two weeks before your 20th birthday to realise just how far you've come, and realise that actually, you haven't done too badly, as far as handling the tricky roads of adolescence goes. Being a teenager is easily one of the best things to ever happen to you. These years of my life have been somewhat extraordinary, especially when I pause to think about them and truly appreciate just what I've done, and what I've achieved, experienced, learnt too. Even now as I write, all these memories are reeling through my mind, all tinged with a beautiful nostalgia, and I realise now how happy these last six years of my life have been. In the eyes of another, they might not seem that special or amazing, but to me they are. It's like a dream. A perfectly imperfect dream.

Youth is such a beautiful, magical, wonderful, pure, simple, exciting time in a person's life. I sometimes wish I could go back and live it all over again, all the bad and all the good. And never in a million years would I change a single thing about it all. I don't have a single regret, because all of it, every last part, has lead me to where I am now, and I know it all happened for one reason or another. And when I bore my future children and grandchildren to death with these fondly recalled teenage tales, I will do so with the biggest smile in my face and warmness in my heart. In this collective of memories, I have stored many a lesson, many a mistake, lots of things to make me smile, reminders to be strong, reminders of my potential, advice to pass on, special moments that shine brightly, and the blueprints of who I am now, and why I am the person I am today. And to me that's rather amazing. These last six years of my life have been a true joy, and the best journey I ever could have been on. My teenage years have not disappointed.

But naturally life moves on, I've moved on, and as I previously said, I think the time has finally come to let it go. I don't think I've ever felt so ready to turn a certain age, as I do right now. Even though I would happily be a teenager forever, when I look at the young people just entering their teens now, I realise that there's such a difference between us. They suit the definition and criteria of teenager, just like I once used to. But I don't think I do any more. Your teenage years are like an insurance policy, in that you're allowed to make mistakes, venture down different roads, try out new things, push boundaries, and it's all okay. It's accepted. Even though you feel like an adult, as soon as your age gets a 'teen' on the end, and you try and pledge your case to anyone who will listen, everyone knows that really you're only still a child, and that's okay, because it means that they understand what it's like for you. They know you'll make all those mistakes. They know you're still finding your way. They know that you still need love and support and guidance, even when you insist you don't. And in my case, it will take till the cusp of your 20th birthday for your Mum to finally accept that actually, you really are an adult now.

In many ways, I wish I could stay in this nice little teenage bubble forever. It's a nice, secure, safe, happy, relatively stress free place to be. And my twenties seem so uncertain and grown up in comparison. The thought that I could be married and have a child within the next ten years makes me feel sick with nerves. I don't think I'll ever feel old enough for that. But in the school of life, this is my next stage, my next learning curve, just as many have experienced before me. And so I guess come by birthday, it'll be with a poignant reluctance that I let go of my teenage status, but with a happy, excited, hopeful heart that I embrace this next period of my life, and all the adventures, possibility and wonder just waiting to be found. And with that, whilst I get on with enjoying my last few days of being a mardy, spotty, argumentative teenager, I'll leave you with this lovely little quote by Kyoko Escamilla, that gives me hope about what is yet to come, and is waiting for me just around the corner.

"Your twenties are your 'selfish' years. It's a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground."

Amen to that.

Pictures of Me

PICTURES OF ME

Hello dear readers. I hope you're swell and dandy and spiffing and enjoying this delightful premature summer. Isn't it just wonderful to wake up to blue skies and sunshine every morning? I don't even mind that I have to wear my factor 50 suncream from Superdrug. It's defo worth it. And what's more, as if life couldn't get any better, I've been able to wear my sandals 24/7, and the citizens of Manchester seem to love seeing me get my toes out, judging by all the looks I've been getting as I walk around town. I've also been able to go for some delightful early morning runs, so as if seeing my toes wasn't enough, the citizens of Manchester have also been treated to me red faced and panting with my hair sporting the electrocuted look. You can't say I don't do my bit for the community eh.

Anyhow, back to the blog post before I start gushing to you about another thing I'm loving right now, The One Show. I came up with the idea for 'Pictures of Me' a couple of weeks ago, and it originated from a variety of different sources that just kind of amalgamated together somewhere in the depths of my mind. One of those sources was this wonderful little Zoella 'draw my life' video (isn't she just a fabulous drawer!), another was this video featuring one of my fave girl power icons Jemima Kirke from Girls, and the last was my own thoughts which occurred over a couple of days. I was walking down a road near where I live, and reflecting on recent life events, as I always seem to be doing, and it got me thinking: how could I perfectly encapsulate the most definitive aspects of my personality and characteristics, in the most concise and simple way? How could I give someone the most accurate and to the point summary of who I am as a person? And that's when I started coming up with these little doodles in my mind to represent just that. I didn't know what I'd do with them, but I kept a mental note somewhere in the depths of my mind, and decided that I would come back to it later.

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking of more of those little images, and today is the day I decided I would do something with them, and turn them into a nice old blog post for you dear readers to enjoy. I don't recall seeing a blog post doing something like this before, so I thought it would be something a bit different, a bit innovative (hopefully), as will it give you a little bit more insight into who I am, in a more creative and engaging way than you reading twenty million paragraphs of word vomit and emotional splurging. I also think that drawings are such a personal, beautiful and insightful way to communicate with someone, and to truly express who you are inside, because you know what they say, a picture often speaks a thousand words. So with that, I hope you enjoy, and if you're a fellow blogger and you want to do something like this too, leave me a link and I'd love to see what you've created!

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SOOOOOOOOOO........................

001. 2 + 2 = 5

Because that's exactly the way my mind seems to work. It puts two and two together and comes up with the most imaginative, far fetched, and least logical answer. The kind of answer that seems totally reasonable and probable at the time, but in hindsight you're just like eh? How on earth did I get that? I also have the tendency to put two and two together and end up with a conclusion that's as far away from the truth as is humanly possible, and I don't even realise how wrong I am. It sucks.

002. Wallflower

I never used to realise I was a wallflower until I read the best book ever, 'Perks of Being A Wallflower' and it completely changed my self-perspective. My default setting seems to be sitting on the sidelines. I just do it instinctively, and that's mostly because I love listening to what other people say, and taking note of their opinions and the transmission of them. I also love watching how other people interact with one another, how they present, carry and conduct themselves, how they hold back, how they dive into the deep end, how different personalities combine. In that sense I'm very perceptive, and I find it very easy and extremely interesting to read people and pinpoint the distinctive markers and characteristics that make them who they are. In a group of people, I don't have an overwhelming desire to attract attention, make my voice heard, my actions known. I like to settle into the background, I like to be the observer, I like to drink in as much of the scene before me as possible, and as much as I'm enjoying my attempts to get out on to that dance floor and actively participate, I must admit that a part of me will always treasure being a wallflower, and probably will do for as long as I live.

003. Hand

This one came about whilst I was walking home one day. I was thinking about what I'd say if someone asked me what my favourite part about me was (aka the most important questions in life). And for years it's been a cross between eyes, freckles, smile and figure. But the other day, I randomly thought, 'but what about my hands?', and that's when I realised how bloody awesome my hands are. As someone who loves to be creative, my hands are essentially my most treasured possession, and their dexterity literally leaves me in awe. Especially when it comes to drawing, the fact that my hands have the ability to translate these abstract notions and designs in my mind, into real life physical entities right before my eyes, is just insane. And it's not just that, there's an incredibly long list of other things my hands let me do, but I won't bore you with that right now. All I'll say, is hands= amazing, and I'd be utterly lost without them.

004. Everything Happens For A Reason

This is literally my life mantra. I'm not a particularly religious person, and I'm personally not keen on organised religion, but I am drawn to the notion of higher beings, higher powers, something far bigger than us and this world in which we live. I believe there's so much more out there that transcends this life, and for me I like to think of it all as fate. Fate is the power influencing and guiding our lives, and hey maybe it's because I'm an analytical person, but I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Whatever may happen, good or bad, there's always a reason. Always a purpose. And I'm a massive advocate of this belief, because I think that being able to spot those reasons, or make your best assumption as to what they are, is crucial in helping you to become a better, happier, stronger, wiser person and to enjoy your life as much as you possibly can. This way of thinking absolutely changed my life for the better, and I'd highly recommend it.

005. Sunshine

I chose to draw a sunshine because not only do I love the sun in general, but because to me it represents optimism, and I like to think that I'm quite an optimistic individual. It's looking on the bright side of life, choosing to be happy, enjoying the life you have irrespective of how perfect it is, trying to find the positive out of all the negatives and holding on to it. It's believing that tomorrow will be a better day, the relentless hope that your time to shine is just around the corner, trusting that life has your back, and everything will be okay in the end. 

006. Book

Obviously I had to choose a book because I am always reading.As someone who finds it very, very hard to sit still and do nothing, as do I get bored doing things that don't stimulate my mind, I always need to be doing something. And 99.9% of the time, that thing is reading. I will literally read anything and everything, and I read whenever and wherever. I read leaflets, magazines, cookery books, fiction, newspapers, online websites, blogs, social media, my own diaries and journals, CD inserts, textbooks, the back of cereal boxes... essentially anything that is lying around. I always have a book on the go, and I always carry a book around with me in my bag. The day I forget to bring a book is a bad day. And when I do have a book with me, you can find me reading it in the park, on the bus, at the table, in my bed, beneath the table in lectures... I just adore reading. And one day, in the distant future, I would love to summon the energy, drive and determination to sit down and write a book of my own. Proper dream come true.

007. Eyes

I did this drawing to represent the term 'go-getter', because tbh I didn't really know what else to draw. The eyes are meant to be looking into the distance, searching for the next possibility, action, plan, idea. As I previously mentioned, I'm not one for sitting still and letting my life pass me by. Even when I have time off, the thought of sitting around and chilling interests me for about 5 seconds, because I'm already feeling like I'm wasting my life sat there doing nothing. I want to get out and do things, make things happen, be a part of the world, have things to show for my time. To put it simply, I just want to live. And that in turn, has made me into a go-getter. I'm always seeking out my next opportunity, planning ahead for the short term and long term, thinking of ways I can make change, push myself, explore, dream. Even when I'm afraid, I think 'oh what the heck' and just do it anyway. And I love to look back on my life, and the things I've already done, both big and small, because even if they didn't work out as I would have liked, it makes me so happy and proud that I've seized my chance at life, instead of letting it pass me by absent-mindedly.

008. Person with an exploding head

Two words: over thinker. And when you put that into an equation, over + thinker = head that always feels on the verge of a massive explosion. Hence the drawing above. Over-thinking is the bane of my life. Although in some respects, it's actually a very useful skill to have for certain things, for the majority of the time it's a tiring, debilitating, draining, pointless, and sometimes very harmful weight on your shoulders. I've definitely got better at controlling it over the years, and I'm still trying so hard to not let it affect me, as am I trying to find ways to chill the heck out and give my mind a rest. Sometimes I just wish my mind was a white, blank, quiet, peaceful space, but I know deep down that would drive me bonkers, because as much as the over activity in my head is grinding, and an exploding head feels like a tantalisingly close possibility, it's also the very essence and driving force of who I am. I wouldn't be who I am without it.

009. Why

This one ties in with the over-thinking, and may in part be responsible for it. Growing up, I was one of those annoying kids that always wanted to know why. And I used to believe my Ma & Pa knew everything and anything.The day when my Ma said to me 'I don't know everything', in reply to one of my questions, was a sad but exciting day, because it alerted me to the fact that there is just so much out there to experience and learn. And Ma & Pa might not know the answers, but someone out there does.And that person might even be me, and I just haven't realised yet. And it's weird because at school I didn't really like solving equations or figuring out problems, and finding the answer has never been much of a motivator for me either. It's more convenience, if anything. But I still love to mull over things, find out and learn as much information as I possibly can about a whole host of different things. 'Why' is my favourite question word because it gives justifications, reasons, explanations. It makes you really think about things at a deeper level, in order to gain more insight and clarity. In my eyes, it is synonymous with knowledge, and I'm a right sucker for that. I want to understand, I want to learn, I want to form those links, I want to know this world, and I want to question everything like crazy, because to accept without giving in to that curiosity to go beyond... well as Skepta once said so beautifully, 'that's not me'.

010. Love heart

This one is a simple one. I have a lot of love in my heart. I can't be bothered with negativity and bitterness, and as Charles Dickens once said, 'have a heart that never hardens'. I think people are awesome in their own individual ways, and I think everyone deserves to be loved, respected, cared for, accepted, welcomed, valued. I also think that everyone should try to be kind to others, that whole treat people how you want to be treated. It isn't hard to fill your heart with goodness and positivity, and the difference it makes, when that's the fuel you choose to power you, is immense. Personally, I love to make sure the people I surround myself with know how much they mean to me, as do I like to make sure that I'm nice to people I don't know, just to give them a bit of hope if they should need it, because I know how much it means to me when a stranger even just smiles at me. So I try to put that back into the world myself. 

011. Music

.... is life. I always have music on the go. At home, I've always got my tunes on. When I'm out and about, always got my headphones on with sweet music playing through. There's something so beautiful and comforting about the way music can fill a room, fill your mind, fill an open space, and electrify it with life. Ever since I was little, I've always adored music, and as I've gotten older the importance of music in my life just keeps on growing and growing. It's a core part of my soul, I swear, and I always say this but I don't even know who I would be if I didn't have music. I don't even know if I would be here now, if it wasn't for music. It's a beating heart, a solid and reliable backbone, your oldest friend, a journey of exploration, a light in the darkness, a living, breathing entity, the sunshine illuminating the skies, a medicine, a beam of hope and goodness. Music is everything.